Many of us have our LOVED ONES living in Memory Care, Assisted Living or Nursing Homes all across the world. There are many reasons for it, too, most often because their care needs far exceed our abilities and they require a team of 24/7 caregivers at their disposal versus one single human being to tend to their myriad of chronic needs.
We should not, and do not, need to explain or justify our decisions to all the haters and bashers out there who love to tell us we 'owe' our parents for giving birth to us! That we should sacrifice our lives for them and convert our homes into hospitals! Tear down walls and stairs and build ramps and install cameras and baby monitors. Bring in hoards of adult briefs and wipes, lay down black rugs in front of doorways for those with dementia so they'll think it's a 'hole' and not run out into the night & get lost! Lock up chemicals under the sinks and unplug appliances so our mothers don't get electrocuted! Shut off the gas, empty out the refrigerator so dad doesn't eat himself up to 500 lbs after forgetting he's already eaten 5 minutes ago 30 times in a row!
Some are able to do these things with no problem. Some have the funds and the ability to quit their jobs and devote their lives to full time care giving. To stop going out for their OWN doctor appointments even so they can stay home 24/7 so dad won't fall and get hurt, even though he may fall and get hurt ANYWAY, because such a thing is not preventable. But that's another topic for another day.
Whatever we choose to do about caring for our loved one is FINE. We should never be judged or shamed for placing our loved one in Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing. We should not have to explain why we made that decision, or justify it to anyone, least of all someone bashing our decision on this FORUM! And we're seeing more & more & more of it lately! Day in and day out and it's infuriating!
Why do we never see a poster bashing someone for taking care of their loved one at home? Why is that fine? Why isn't someone telling the son that he's ruining his mother's life by hovering over her and not giving her socialization with people her own age in Assisted Living?
Yet people find it perfectly acceptable and JUSTIFIED to tell a poster her mother has been 'thrown away' in a nursing home and is 'lonely' and 'scared' and 'miserable' and being 'mistreated' and fed 'dog food' and not being cared for or showered or dressed in clean clothing. Really? How do YOU know how MY mother is being treated in HER residence? You don't!
There are bad Memory Cares & SNFs out there, of course there are...........I had my mother in one in 2019 for rehab and had to TAKE HER OUT OF THERE in short order and get her into a new SNF that was wonderful. I even moved both parents out of one so-so AL into another one that's terrific.
But guess what? There are bad PRIVATE HOMES out there too, where the sons and daughters are screaming bloody murder at their mother all day long, and leaving her alone like a dog in the bed, maybe not even feeding her or changing her soiled brief all day long! How do YOU know how the person is being treated in HER residence? You don't! Yet a poster is way more prone to applaud the son or daughter for 'keeping her mother at home' than for placing her in Assisted Living where there is transparency!
We read lots & LOTS of posts here about angry sons & daughters full of resentment over giving up their lives for their parent(s) care. Who knows WHAT is going on in those homes; who's looking out for the elder THERE? Nobody. Facilities each have Ombudsmen and each state issues a license to a facility after an inspection, typically conducted semiannually. Bad facility=license gets revoked.
Remember: In home CGs are not 'saints' & the rest of us 'evil'. Keep that in mind when posting.
Think before you post. Don't pass judgement on ANYBODY who's looking for support. If you leave ugly comments, YOU may wind up with an ugly reply to it.
What happened was a disaster. Incontinence, leaving the phone off the hook so we could not reach her, calling the police for no reason, medication errors, wandering at night, brandishing a blade to fend off an intruder who was not there and never was there, failing to lock doors, leaving doors not only unlocked but wide open, hiding financial documents from me that I needed in order to arrange care for her, leg wounds that needed care (I had already been providing this, but it got much worse), falls and other dire safety problems, moments of drastic disorientation which were hard to predict, and countless other things. She needed supervision and care at a level I could not provide. This was on top of cooking, laundry, shopping, dr appts, phone calls, etc. I had little to no backup. People would tell me to just "hire a visiting nurse" but that's costly and 24/hr care would not be covered by any insurance and she didn't have the money.
Sure, I agreed to help her. But it was supposed to improve or at least stay remotely the same for a while. I do understand that she wasn't going to be a 20 year old again, but the nosedive of a decline and all of the safety problems she had was something I didn't see coming. She had been in a rehab setting and in that protected setting, she SEEMED much better than she really was. I have cautioned people about this experience.... She was able to really work the room at the rehab center and she seemed very normal while there. Her home where she lived for decades was not that protected environment she'd adapted to at the rehab and her true condition became apparent once she was home. She would showtime for people I'd bring in to assess her - including one expert who looked right at LO and told her "No one can force you into a nursing home." Well, where did that leave us? I was still struggling and LO got to remain home and her lifelong entitled self had me where she wanted me - waiting on her and cleaning up her messes (including bodily fluids). I could not keep up and prayed either for an answer or for something to happen to me so I wouldn't have to keep trying. I fear that I'm not adequately expressing all that happened so that I can convey how it really was.
After she had an unwitnessed fall with likely loss of consciousness, I told the hospital she cannot live alone anymore. Hospital sent her to rehab. I told rehab that she cannot live alone anymore and I was not taking her home. Period. She was transferred to a NH bed in the same building. She has done well there. However, I really, truly do believe that it's the protected environment which makes her seem better than she otherwise would be.
Not everyone can be cared for at home. I had plenty of onlookers telling me "All you have do do is____" or "Why don't you just...." or "I have TOLD you how to handle that" and "You cannot just DUMP her in a nursing home so that you can ignore her" all of those other not-so-helpful statements.
I'm still new here, so I'd hate for anyone to delete their profile over others being insensitive/inappropriate. I have learned so much from all of you and I've tried to convey my experience as well when I have something to add. The majority of the comments are helpful and have come from experience and soul-searching. What could be better when trying to make decisions for those we love? Thanks to all of you.
Since no one individual knows someone's situation, judgement should not be passed. The individual in the active caregiving role has no use for it.
It isn’t like years ago when many wives were free to choose being at home.
That era did expect wives to remain home. I personally believe that ‘the good old days’ weren’t as good as people made them out to be. Every generation has their issues.
I wonder if many women in previous generations would have preferred to be working rather than taking care of the sick and dying elderly in their families.
They didn’t discuss things freely as it is discussed today.
It isn’t uncommon to have facilities these days. Yet, they are often criticized. Some are certainly better others. No one can argue that there is a clear need for care of the elderly.
I suppose the same happens when childcare is discussed.
Ask any school teacher and they will tell you that the children that don’t go to a preschool program are behind in socialization and academics. This is why Headstart was established for families below the poverty level. Moms do not have to be with children all day long. We have childcare.
We have nursing homes to care for those who can’t afford assisted living or if they need extensive care that perhaps an assisted living facility or a home caregiver could not provide.
In a facility they receive medical care and socialization. I hated that mom would not participate in the senior community center. For those seniors who don’t participate, the burden falls on the caregiver to be everything for them, leaving the caregiver drained!
It is a hardship on the family when a person refuses to go to a facility. Many here on this forum can testify to that, myself included.
People struggle and do their best in the situation that they are faced with.
As for me, I will never burden my daughters. I know first hand how hard it is after caring for my mom in my home.
It's very important for all of us with loved ones in care facilities to ADVOCATE for them always. To check up on them and to make sure their needs are being met, definitely. I had my mother in a horrible rehab SNF and it took me several days to get her out of there and reestablished in a lovely well managed SNF. There are bad ones and good ones, bad home environments and good ones, bad caregivers and wonderful ones, that's the point. It's not a one size fits all solution for everyone.
Joel, what happened in N.Y. with Covid and the LTCs was nothing short of murderous, and now the news is reporting the death numbers were greatly DOWNPLAYED. You have my deepest condolences over the loss of your beloved wife thru no fault of your own.
Worried, I was telling DH the other day that my mother would not be alive today if not for AL and MC. They caught pneumonia twice with her, immediately, and her life was saved 2x as a result. Plus the socialization she gets is instrumental for HER to thrive.
my FIL was dumped in a nursing home to die. It’s true. It was either one of the children he pretty much abandoned as children, take him home and take care of him with part time caregivers paid for by the state or a nursing home. We all have young children and active lives, all 3 of his children work and have mortgages to pay. He could not afford to hire a caregiver. He moved out here in the summer of 2018 and he did not tell us he had come out here to die. My husband saw the writing on the wall the day he pulled in to town. The rest of us did not. We thought he had retired and finally followed through on his plans to live closer to his children. He was very sick when he got here and before long he was hospitalized and after 4 months in the hospital, we were told there’s nothing they can do for him. Either take him home and care for him yourself with the help of caregivers or put him in a nursing home on hospice. As I said his children have families and jobs and he had no money. So there really wasn’t a choice. He went to a nursing home to die and 6 weeks later he died peacefully in his sleep. Sometimes responders forget that there are elders who have children that are still working and can not afford to quit their jobs, who have families and cannot put their lives on hold.
Many assisted livings across the country are taking precautions now to help their residents stay safe, so others don't have to go through that tragedy.
Blessings and all the best
What did I get for that? A few kicks in the @$$: 1, from a sibling who had hoped that the move to the second AL would result in a less expensive monthly cost (AL was/is private pay), 2, an intimidating threat from a financial official at the bank at which I'd parked her funds, when I was dumb enough to ask about Medicaid eligibility, 3, complete disrespect from the first elder care atty we hired (recommended by the sibling, very overpriced, and I severed that connection, got our money back, and went with someone else. If the first atty couldn't respect the DPOA who signed the checks to heck with it) 4, once we arrived at the second AL, a comment from a house care staffer there that she would have kept her family member home instead of placing them in a facility. Have to admit, I went completely ballistic for a moment.
At the time I was 50 years old and terrified of losing my job on the basis of inability to carry out elder care duties and work at the same time. My third-floor home at the time was an unsuitable environment for a frail elder who would need first responders in case of an emergency. My job required showing up at the office every day and staying there. If I lost that job I was sure I would not be able to get another one at my age. Then, more than a decade away from being eligible for Social Security and with what at the time was a pretty flinty retirement portfolio, who was going to help me? (things got much better over time).
So IMO all the clueless family members and judgmental outsiders can just take the next train out of town. If the person responsible for taking up legal, financial and health care proxy duties for an elder (that was me) needs to think of themselves as well as the elder, and gets disrespected, there is no need for the judgers in our lives and they can get their ticket punched somewhere else..
Some folks are caregivers and some are not. Some folks simply can't put a parent in a facility. Some may not want to, but they can't/won't disrupt their own life/household. Some had very rocky relationships or parent simply was not a good parent, so the child has no sense of debt in the way of providing caregiving for the parent now. It may be true that what you gave out in the early years is what you get back at the end.
There are so many things to be considered when a parent needs help as they age. The type of care they need, the type of care the child is still providing to their own immediate family, the logistics of where everyone lives, setting up a home to function for the ailing parent. I don't believe any of us should really dog the child if child can't/won't be a caregiver - we never really know the family dynamic or the situation.
However, with that said - many of us have dealt with rehabs, hospitals, etc and know what CAN happen in these facilities. If you can't be a caregiver, for whatever reason, and there is some type of meaningful relationship with the parent, you - at the very least - owe your parent visits, observation, and stepping in when the care is not up to par (even for those parents living in a child's home who is being neglected). Those who cannot speak for themselves, who may be mistreated by an understaffed facility, need someone to be an advocate for them.
Pretty much, in my opinion, it comes down to 'what you can live with'. If you have the ability to put mom in a nursing home, walk away and never look back. So be it. Saints and sinners will be determined by someone beyond our own judgement.
This is true--but I hope in this forum we can tear down that fence.
Yesterday the attorney of NY confirmed what all of us knew. All of the families want Cuomo to be prosecuted to the full extent of the Law. wright now the staff in nursing can refuse to be vaccinated and still work their, the monies that these private facility receive for the state are not being used properly to keep our loved
one's safe. Protocol needs to be enforced better. This assisted living facility have one thing in common profits over patients. The AARP INVESTIGATION OF NURSING HOMES will confirm all what I HAVE LISTED TO BE TRUE
Our loved one's did not need to die because Cuomo had the javits center and navy ship ready for positive patients to be sent but instead he sent them to nursing homes infecting thousand of poor seniors and covered it up.
Anyway you look at it, caring for our elderly LOs is a gut wrenching experience!!
We are not all meant to be Doctors or Lawyers and we're not all meant to be in home caregivers!! Furthermore, not all of our elderly LOs are compatible with in home care!
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Aunt and my Mother are much happier and safer being in ALF than they would be as latchkey kids locked away in my home alone for hours on end!!
We are ALL caring in different ways!! There is NO shame in how we go about doing it!!
Thought this myself many times.
She was always my go to person with any little bit of news I had. My best friend.
Bit little did I know what to expect with Alzheimer behaviors. It was not easy to say the least. She was not the mom she used to be. Although she did thank me many times a day for caring for her. She needed help with most everything. So I educated myself , reading books about the disease.
Ohe thing that I have not seen much of, if at all in these posts is the issue of money.
I know that many caregivers keep their LO at home because of selfish reasons. They do not want their inheritance going to a facility.
I know that many caregivers keep their LO at home because of promises they made to their LO to never place them.
I know that caregivers keep their loved ones at home because the LO does not have the money to be placed ...and it's not cheap. This reason to me is a good reason.
My mom always told me I don't want any of my kids taking care of me when I get old. I was always secretly glad when she said this because I never wanted to be a caregiver. But when she got Alzheimer's she couldn't remember she said that. She would waffle back and forth on telling me to put her in a Nursing home as she didn't want to take over my life to why can't I live with you. You are an excellent caregiver. At times she didn't know I was her daughter. Because I was her caregiver.
I have no family around me who can help me except my daughter who helped me whenever she could.
In those 2 years I saved my mom's social security check which was $1700 a month. After 2 years I had enough saved so that I could get her into Assisted Living. I found out though after 6 weeks that she needed more care than what they could give her. With the permission of the facility I had a camera installed and was able to see her and talk with her. She then went over to the Memory Care Wing which is wonderful. They have her up and engaged. They help her with everything.
When she was with me ..it just started to take over my life. I was crying a lot ...for her and for myself. I was terrified thinking...what if something happens to me...what will happen to my mom? I have one brother in PA. One brother who lives 1.5 hours from me..but he still works full time. It would be a mess. At least now if something happens to me, there would be time for my 2 brothers to talk and work it out. All 3 of us have our names on the POA.
So what started out as an honor for me, thinking my mom would stay with me..did not end up that way. But I believe I did the right thing for both of us. Yes. She only has so much money, which if she outlived her money, I will need to apply for Medicaid and find a Nursing home that accepts Medicaid.
Bashing and Judgement never helps anyone.