So she's in her second week of rehab. Every time I visit she just wants to "lie down". Plus she has a completely unbelievable fear of falling, I mean she's comfortably in bed and gripping the railings like she's on a boat being tossed at sea. She says there's no vertigo or dizziness there either. Today I merely tried to raise the bed a little so she could eat properly and see me and she starts carrying on like it's the worst torture imaginable.
So I was talking to the therapist and she tells me that on Friday they had to change the mattress so there was no other option but to get her in the wheelchair for a while. This has been a goal since day one. She tells me that after a brief struggle she did get in the chair and remained there for a few hours with no issues. I was astonished as Mom never mentioned it.
So today I'm there and we figure let's go for it again. They sit her up and immediately the death grip begins. This little old lady who's always too weak to move was fighting off three people and resisting with everything she had. There was no risk whatsoever of falling. Eventually the therapist had to give up and i could see the annoyance there, as I felt it too.
I'm wondering if maybe it's me. When I'm there she never stops with the hapless routine and the fear of falling, then I hear that while I wasn't she's actually doing something. Perhaps i should skip a few days and see if it helps?
My big worry now aside from her health is that the first twenty days that her Medicaid covers is halfway finished and the copay after that is way out of her range to cover. I'm planning on speaking to the admin who covers insurance matters tomorrow to see what kind of options we might have. I'm preparing to bring her home if there's no other option, as she doesn't have the assets to fund long-term care especially if she's just going to lie around all day anyway. And if she can recover somewhat, she'd need somewhere to come home to as well.
One thing I'm almost certain of is that if she can get into a wheelchair and be comfortable in it she can regain enough mobility to at least help in her care. She has the strength to push herself in a chair, it's just a matter of getting her in one. I won't give up on her, it's just discouraging at times is all.
dmanbro, your mother reminds me so much of my father that I am wondering if she might have some vascular dementia. My father was not incapable, but he had a learned helplessness that was hard to explain. He was very afraid. The 3 times he fell, I could have probably gotten him up, but he locked his abdominal muscles and pushed against me, instead of with me. The few times I was able to get him to get out of the house to go to the doctor, he had a death grip on the railings. One time I couldn't even get him maneuvered into his wheelchair. He tried, instead, to sit on the ground. I wouldn't let him, but it was a battle. He locked all the muscles and worked against me. I don't know why he did it and I doubt he did, either. He had not been diagnosed with dementia at this time, though I knew he had it. Your mother's behavior reminds me so much of his that I would suspect that she may have similar problems -- some dementia, great fear, and a feeling of helplessness. Everything is turned inside, so it is hard for them to trust someone trying to help.
The good thing is it may get better. My father was 90 with a very damaged vascular system and failing organs. He was also deaf and autistic, so hard to help. I hope that your mother fares better than he did with the help of her PT & OT people.
The sensation your mother is feeling is real, I imagine caused by some kind of imbalance in her inner ear that settles down once she's been in a sitting position for a short while? Weird! But she's not making it up. Has she had any change of meds or infection recently? What's she in rehab for?
She's always feared falling but the panic attack end of it is a new phenomenon that only started barely a month ago. There's no evidence that any sort of incident triggered it either. No sign of a fall, no sign of injury. It's a sudden terror that erupts over the mildest situations, like trying to raise the angle of the bed for her. She's on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds and thus far they've done nothing. Stronger anti-anxiety meds just make her fall out completely for the day, which is just as counter-productive as the attacks are. When asked to point out any specific pain or malady she denies anything is wrong and says she's "fine" which makes diagnosing her issues that much more difficult.
I think this is an issue to explore - what is happening during PT that her BP rises? Is it the anxiety, or is there a medical issue? Is her BP stable otherwise?
Therapists are creative; perhaps they can find a different approach to avoid BP spikes.
Options and activities can diminish, the focus begins to be on the immediate surroundings and issues, not seasonal or annual or long term plans. As the scope of planning and thinking begins to narrow, so does the focus on those issues. I think it becomes more like "just get through today!"
I think of the issue now as a cone shaped problem - as people slip to the bottom of the cone mentally, those thoughts, fears and preoccupations become more compacted as others are squeezed out.
This made sense to me, so I resolved to plan some massive garden programs for this year, as well as Fall and possibly winter activities so I can reset my focus to longer term and stop fussing about something that could take up to only an hour or so of my time.
Dmanbro, try to shut your mind to everything except being in rehab, being afraid of falling, and having a lot of strangers around you. Think about being in that situation, and think about it for several hours, making sure to block out thoughts of anything else. Perhaps you could even just spend several hours in one of the visitors chairs.
I wonder if it will allow you to enter your mother's world for awhile.
With all the technology being used for so many different things, I'm wondering if someone has created a holographic program by which caregivers could temporarily enter the world of their parents/relatives and experience first hand what it's like to have life slip away and become more and more confined.
JessieBelle: I suppose it really can't hurt, I'd really like to speak to the staff so I'm seriously thinking about just "spying" tomorrow without her knowing I'm there. A this point any idea are welcome. Thanks as always for all replies!
After reading this post and recalling your other posts, I don't really think your mother is stubborn or being uncooperative. I think she has a real fear of falling, and this needs to be recognized. And she should be treated with the respect of someone who does have a legitimate fear.
I think it's often so difficult to figure out what elders are doing or thinking and whether or not there's a legitimate issue. We can't switch places with them, and by the time we're old enough to be in a similar situation it'll be too late.
Your mother must be terrified of falling, for some reason or other. I can't help thinking there's something more to this.
The death grip does let you know she is afraid. Maybe if she doesn't feel the pressure to perform, she'll do better. It can be hard to know what is going on in their minds if they don't tell us.
My father had a bad fear of falling that went along with his mixed dementia and balance problems. He stopped getting up and down except when he had to. I hope the rehab people are able to give your mother back some of the confidence she needs to let loose the death grip she has on the things around her. I know it is miserable for her.
For some reason some people will put on an act, whether to get attention or to make us feel sorry for them.
Try skipping tomorrow but go the next day, tell Mom because of the time you spent at the dentist and recovering, you were behind on your work/chores. Try every other day, then ask Rehab how Mom is doing.
The fear of falling is so very real. I broke a shoulder falling in a parking lot, and for two months I had a fear of falling down the stairs because the handrail was on the side where I couldn't use that arm to grab the rail. Rehab is helping me get use of that arm again, so now I can use the handrail, thus the fear is started to disappear. At your mother's age, it make take longer.