So she's in her second week of rehab. Every time I visit she just wants to "lie down". Plus she has a completely unbelievable fear of falling, I mean she's comfortably in bed and gripping the railings like she's on a boat being tossed at sea. She says there's no vertigo or dizziness there either. Today I merely tried to raise the bed a little so she could eat properly and see me and she starts carrying on like it's the worst torture imaginable.
So I was talking to the therapist and she tells me that on Friday they had to change the mattress so there was no other option but to get her in the wheelchair for a while. This has been a goal since day one. She tells me that after a brief struggle she did get in the chair and remained there for a few hours with no issues. I was astonished as Mom never mentioned it.
So today I'm there and we figure let's go for it again. They sit her up and immediately the death grip begins. This little old lady who's always too weak to move was fighting off three people and resisting with everything she had. There was no risk whatsoever of falling. Eventually the therapist had to give up and i could see the annoyance there, as I felt it too.
I'm wondering if maybe it's me. When I'm there she never stops with the hapless routine and the fear of falling, then I hear that while I wasn't she's actually doing something. Perhaps i should skip a few days and see if it helps?
I don't disagree that her remarks were ill timed and inappropriate. However, you don't know what precipitated them, or what might have occurred when you weren't there. The fact that she mentioned your absence makes me wonder if something did occur between her and your mother when you weren't there.
But think of a few issues: (a) these people are in a difficult and challenging situation, working often with patients who aren't always cooperative but with families that want results; (b) you don't know what goes on between your mother and the staff when you're not there.
Put yourself in her position. If you behaved inappropriately at work, would you want someone to speak with you about it and give you a chance to explain your actions, or would you want it reported directly to your supervisor, especially if you really weren't aware that you were out of line?
Give the therapist the benefit of a doubt, approach her first without waiting to see if anything happens again. Explain your surprise and shock, and ask if your mother or you precipitated her comment. Assure you that you're been trying to be present as often as possible, that you respect and appreciate her efforts, and want to ensure that you've done nothing to have caused the remarks she made.
Usually that kind of approach immediately produces chagrin, embarrassment and regret for the action, and causes the individual to feel embarrassed and assure you that you weren't at fault.
You're more likely to get an honest answer and resolve any problems than be creating a standoff or going to her supervisor.
If you confront her, you only put her on the defensive, and that solves nothing.
See this as a creative challenge to pave the way for a better working relationship, while finding a way simultaneously to let your know (a) you feel that you're working together for mother's benefit, and (b) you understand how difficult it is to work with patients, and (c) you want to establish a working relationship so that if issues arise in the future, the two of you can address them and create solutions together.
Trust me, you'll both feel better if you address this in a friendly rather than demanding manner. No one likes to be chastised and it only creates resentment.
You'll likely face other challenges on your caregiving journey; let this be another learning experience in how to channel your offense at what was an offensive encounter into something more helpful to all involved. Make her feel good about herself and she'll remember that as well as your sophisticated response.
Are you talking with the social worker at the facility about the Medicaid application? S/he might be a source of assistance.
Just last week I spoke to the social worker who told me that the current recommendation was to keep her there until at least August 22nd. So now that the first 20 days of her Medicare coverage are up, I had to write them a nice huge check to cover the current copay. I'm working on the Medicaid application but that's going to take time (and this is NJ, the state that botches everything).
The annoying part was during PT. One of the therapists, right in the middle of getting her into the wheelchair, starts telling me that her insurance might "discontinue coverage" because "she's not demonstrating progress". Then she somewhat snarkily says "we haven't seen much of you this week" (I was there every day) and that "part of her rehab" is to "train" me in proper caretaking tactics.
And I replied that maybe mid-lift isn't the best time to drop that on me, especially two days after I wrote them a check for several thousand dollars. I like the PT people (and the staff in general) but I was not pleased, either by the timing or the news or the tone, for that matter. This is all new to me and I'm navigating it all to the best of my abilities so I really don't appreciate getting an attitude from anyone about it. Here I'm thinking I have things at least temporarily under control leaving me free to focus on her health and now I have to worry about them releasing her before I've had a chance to prepare or fully explore my options.
But the crack about me "not being around" this week PO'ed me big time. I can't very well be there for eight hours a day nor can I always re-arrange life to fit the therapist's daily schedule. Am I wrong in thinking that was kind of an obnoxious thing to say?
But the days when she wouldn't believe it was me on the phone seem past, thank you. And yes, I believe that there are continuing TIAs.
Ever since, my mother's reporting of symptoms has been very difficult to interpret. If she tells you she's dizzy or in pain, she probably is. But if you ask her are you...., she generally says yes. It's a real crap shoot sometimes, trying to help her.
Yes, I did promise her re: putting her in a home but I'm not going to be able to keep up with caring for her in this condition. I'd LIKE to but the reality is that right now she's too helpless and the house is just not set up for that sort of level of care. And neither am I. For the last three and a half years it's been relatively easy to help her, as she's been coherent and semi-capable but this is different. I do feel bad about that but I don't see any other realistic option.
If this is the case, when did you make that promise? Like so many grown children do, they make that promise back when their parent(s) is still very active, still driving and grocery shopping, tending to the house and yard. We rarely ever think that our parent(s) will be unable to care for themselves, unable to walk, and their mind just isn't working correctly. We never visualize our parent(s) being old.
When it comes to that promise of living at home, if our parent has memory issues, would they even remember that promise? Probably not. Your guide is to have the best care possible for your parent, and if that means living in a continuing care facility, then that is the best choice.
Example: place requested tea and pastry in front of mother. Mother is pleased. Nothing happens. "Would you like me to help?" "No I can manage thank you." Long pause. Nothing happens. "Are you going to drink your tea?" "Yes, lovely, thank you." Further pause. Nothing happens. I place mother's fingers around the cup handle and help her lift the cup. She drinks quite happily.
The crucial thing to understand about this baffling scenario is that:
your mother knows what to do
your mother is physically quite capable of doing it
your mother has nothing against doing it
your mother's brain is missing the bit that starts everything off
your mother is unaware that that bit is missing, therefore
she doesn't know anything is going wrong therefore
she sits there in quiet content doing nothing and doesn't drink or eat until you start everything going.
So, sorry, to emphasise - her brain cannot figure out that there is anything wrong.
So, to lessen the frustration, discard all ideas of intent on your mother's part. She can no more 'act normal' than your hoover can plug itself in and switch itself on. You do that bit for her, and all will proceed as (semi) normal.
A visit to a neurologist is very much needed.
But my bigger concern is that you take care of YOURSELF! You've been a wonderful son, but you can't give up your life and financial future to take care of your mom. You can be her advocate, but you must look out for yourself and your own future as well. Hugs to you - your mom is SO lucky to have such a loving, concerned, and resourceful son. You are one in a million!
Sounds like your Mom is running into that same problem.... by not using her arms to do things for herself, now those muscles fatigue trying to even lift the arms so she can eat, or brush her teeth or even comb her hair. Even reaching for something will feel awkward so she will spill things.
Is your Mom in any type of continuing pain? That will exhaust a person, too, and create a brain fog. How well I know.
You mentioned wanting to be your Mom's full time Caregiver.... really?... have you thought this completely though? You will be doing the work of 3 shifts of Caregivers, 168 hours per week with no breaks at all. Are you ready to bathe your Mom, help her to the bathroom numerous times, or if she needs Depends to change her?
If not, you and Mom will need to figure out a way to hire at least a 1st shift and 2nd shift Caregiver. You could do the night shift, but be ready for limited sleep.
I am so worried about you and the situation. You do not have to sell the house to pay for her care if you are living there. You can apply for Medicaid and the home will not be counted as an asset until after your mother dies. Don't worry about that if your mother needs to go in a nursing facility. This may be more than you can personally handle. Huge and big hugs.
And on top of that the fully-covered part of her stay is nearly over and at the end of the week the giant co-pay part of her coverage kicks in. We can fund a week or two up front but after that, unless they'll work with me on some sort of payment plan, it's either bring her home or give up her only asset, her home. Which is another huge worry for me as for the last few years I've been living and working from the house and right now I have absolutely nowhere else to go.
I'm feeling as guilty as hell for feeling this way too. I mean I could handle taking care of her full-time but if she's going to remain like this (or get worse) it'll be pretty brutal. The suddenness of it all has really caught me off-guard, as just barely two months ago she was still pretty normal and functional but now she's like an infant and honestly it's jarring. I didn't hesitate to move in after my sister died as I felt it was my duty to her and plus I'd have a decent place to live and work and now in the span of one month it's all falling apart. And I have no idea what happened, either, as she hasn't been given a diagnosis that at least establishes why it all went so south so quickly.
I'm curious if your mom was a manipulative person BEFORE all this. My mom was not. Depressed, anxious, yet, but never a manipulator or a malingerer. So I was CERTAIN that there was real pain and the problem finally got solved. The broken hip was ascertained by the PT who was working with her who realized that she wasn't bearing weight on one leg.