Follow
Share

Dealing with bad decisions and tantrum-like behavior from my Father Age 86, threats of never talking to us again, telling the family etc. I travel for my job and my wife and I cared for my Mother for 3 years, she went into a nursing home early this year and we planned to move out. BUT now my father (87) is essentially demanding we care for him, do not travel, do not go out at night, do not leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell the family we have neglected him etc. He is on the phone and based on treatment we are getting from relatives it appears we are telling them we are leaching off him etc. He is okay as long as everything he wants is done. I feel absolutely trapped, the potential loss of the property is not an issue, I am succesful etc. it is the guilt and threat of shaming etc.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

51 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Janesvilleblues,
Whether or not your father has dementia,Alz or is just plain mean, I suggest you try to get the problem under control asap. If I had acted on my mom's threats,nasty attitude and lies, I wouldn't be dealing with lawyers right now since she is suing me, revoked the POA and disinherited me and my kids. I don't care about anything she has or that the things are going to a conniving, cheating paid caregiver. What I do mind is mom accusing me of stealing from her, which I did not, but I've had to prove all of it. Being accused of theft by your own mother is the lowest of the low. She's punishing me, like she has my whole life, I guess because I'm me. She should know I wouldn't steal from her because if she ran out of money I'd have to take her in and that would be the biggest punishment of all time. Oh wait, I think she does know that.
Yeah, mom was okay as long as things went her way, but boy howdy, the trash she talked when they didn't.
Of course, not all moms are like mine . .. thank you Lord. I'm just telling you my story in all of it's ugliness so you can see what CAN happen when actions are slow to come.
Good luck!!
(1)
Report
Why is he not in the same nursing home with his wife? I'd say he was ready wouldn't you?
(0)
Report
Janes, my heart goes out to you and I'm sorry you're going through this. It is so sad to see our elderly parent lose what I call their "good mind" and start to do and say irrational things. ( Obviously some elders stay mentally sharp.) Sometimes it does feel like we are trapped. What can we do? I pray a lot and God has helped me through tough spots with my parents. And it hurts doubly when our reputation or good name is slandered because of our caring for our parents----It reminds of that saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Just rest assured that you are doing the best you can in your situation.
(0)
Report
I have suffered GREATLY at the hand of my ________ mother. And I too, have suffered all of my life. She ALWAYS wanted everything her way. Other than that, life with mother was wonderful, NOT! They definitely needed me, and I took good care of them. Then mother got someone who told her how to work the system, and get her way, without boundaries from me. Then all went to serious hell with her. I am a God-fearing woman, and serve from my heart, but my mother has done nothing but create misery, and lie at my expense, and take horrible advantage of my husband and me. He gave up a lot for me and for her, only to be continuously stabbed in the back. For we have the mother from he...well, you know what I mean. It's all about her, and who cares about anyone else. And she's ALWAYS been like that! Still, she did have a need. I just tried to help, and am still getting punished for it. No matter what, she just wants her way, and doesn't have the morals to do it except at another's expense. She has called the police, and lied about me. She tells doctors and Social Workers false reports just to have her way. WOW! And she's even written letters to judges saying I told her she's going to hell and am not honoring her. The courts and her doctors say she is an "Incapacitated" individual (for a reason). And her NEW (latest greatest) guardian recognizes a problem. The answer? Just give her what she wants. She collects her $$$, and plays mom like a fiddle, and doesn't even pay mom's bills. I am screaming mad at this broken and corrupt system that allows people like my mom to be so irresponsible...because she "wants" to be, and it is her "right." No morals!!! And she will stiff you taxpayers in the end so she can play and waste money foolishly, "because it is her right." I hate the lack of justice in this country. She is going to stop paying on her house, so she can play with the money she's getting from a pension from the state falsely. I am getting ready to turn her in for fraud! It is not only morally wrong, it is sin! And she's trying to say I am the one with the problem. Well, I was her guardian, and God cast out the scorner. Perhaps I should just let God deal with her. Maybe I will. I know he will. I still hate this system. The only ones who like it are the ones who can get something for "nothing," by taking advantage of others. They will lie, steal and cheat to get it, too. I call it evil, because that's exactly what it is. And it costs each and every one of us $$ through our taxes to foot the bill. Believe me, you are paying for my mother's irresponsibility each time you pay your taxes. Sad. I tried to do things responsibly, but mom didn't like it, and had me removed as guardian. Now you are footing the bill. Talk to the courts if you don't believe me. The system is corrupt. And people are getting away with murder (liable and slander) to have their way. Don't you just love mothers like that? Too bad we all have to pay. Sorry. Thanks for letting me vent. Next thing you know, you'll visit me in jail, because mom lies saying I stole things from her I didn't. What a nightmare.
(2)
Report
First of all, while you are your dad's adult child, he is wanting to treat you and make you relate to him as if you were a little boy. For your sake, your wife's sake and your dad's sake do not fall into that trap.

Second, you have identified what really has you trapped is the guilt and threat of shaming which is meant to instill fear so you will feel obligated to care for him exclusively to the degree that you in essence become his slave with agreeing not to travel; to not go out at night and to not leave him, etc.

He's set up a very good formula for you to burn out; for your health and your wife's health to get into serious trouble; to possibly even die before he does; and ultimately destroy your marriage, your job, your friends, etc, all of which is totally unreasonable.

I gather he is living in your house. He is abusing you and your wife and you do not need to have an abusive person like that destroying your life when he could go to a nursing home, etc.

While it is not a protect all do all, but I sure hope you have durable and medical POA.

Here's some of my standard action points for something like this.

1. Get yourself some fresh air by seeing if your primary physcian thinks either of you needs an anti-depressent and or anti-anxiety med for probably just this immediate crisis time.

2. I suggest you get some therapy to deal with the guilt, fear and obligation thing your dad is playiing inside your head with.

3. I'd call in a home health nurse to evaluate the situation.

4. I'd get him to his doctor for a full evaluation and talk with the doctor before hand or fax the doctor about your concerns.

5. One thing I'd want to know is does he need some meds that he is not on now.

If home health and the doctor suggest nursing home, then I'd get a certified sitting service to free you up with the time to look for a nursing home. You will need to know his financail assest which includes any long term insurance polocy that he might have.

Has your dad always been controlling like this and been wiling to distortion campaigns like he is doing to you right now. If so, then you might be dealing with a long term personality issue that you did not cause, you can't fix, nor can you control, but you also don't have to be the sacrificail lamb for his abuse. You must find a way for him to get the care and safety he needs, plus get yourselves back on a healthier path than the one you are on right now.

I hope this helps. Keep us posted!
(5)
Report
Thanks for the comments. I will read them tonight and provide details etc. when I have more time. I appreciate it, I have tried to shield my wife from dealing with the majority of issues and let her live a normal life apartt from living here. I try not to drag her down with hte daily issues and problems. My Mom has advanced alzheimers and is in a "Memory care" unit, that is why they are apart. Since she left he has changed dramitically and is obsessive with calling people that send mail, bothering relatives, etc. basically he does not appear to know anymore or care that he is effecting other people and taking there time etc. I can handle caring for him but not the negative energy and getting sucked into things that "need" to be done that of course could wait for a weekend etc.
(0)
Report
Dear Mr. JVblues,
Sorry for my long vent. As you see, I am struggling with a controlling mother, and I've written enough about that, and didn't need to repost it here. From that example, though, I hope you realize you are not alone. Many of us are dealing with controlling parents. We were taught to follow their lead, but as we grow older, we shatter that false idea, and start setting healthy boundaries. I wasn't familiar with this terminology until coming here. And I am taking notes and listening. Bless you for looking out for your wife, and caring for your folks. Keep you wife's needs and desires above the unreasonable demands and unrealistic expectations of your dad. Sounds like your mom's needs are covered. What is the controlling factor with your dad? Why does he has so much of it over you? It seems if you can identify that, you're well on your way to focusing on what works for your wife and you, and affecting how you handle your father's needs.

I have come to the place where honoring my mother and father means: basic shelter, food, clothing, and medical help as needed. Anything beyond that is not a need, but comfort. We are not guaranteed any of the above, but willing contribute to the happiness of others, when possible. That is going the second mile. Your dad's demands call for you to decide what you will and won't do, and that has to be your decision. Tantrums from adults aren't very dignified, are they? As any child who demands their way, there needs to be some guidelines set. We support you in any healthy action you take, and in the best interests of everyone involved. Thanks for sharing your story. It's tough when we have to care for our folks, as we can all testify. Best wishes for all of you.
(1)
Report
With us it is some sort of weird reciprocity deal. There was one time speicifically when he wanted something and reminded me of trips to the toy store. really weird stuff. Sad. I spent the whole day driving around. I will write more later. My main thing is if this is demetia or just personality etc.
(0)
Report
Once again you are right on .
(0)
Report
My Father took care of us, I am an only child, and my mother. I do not object to helping him but I do object to insisting things are done immediatley etc. when they are in the scope of life not important. It is the key understand of the difference between "I want" and "I need". My kids were taught this but my Dad does not seem to get it or does not care. Much of it is redirected aggression and fear from my Mother, guilt etc. I have tried to explain he is not responsible for her Alzheimers but it does not sink in. Humans always search for a cause and he is angry controling and frustrated trying to find it. I just am trying to retrain him but I doubt it will work. I told him we will leave if it gets to the point were one of us cannot work or we need to put our lives on hold. I will especially do this if my wife is effected. Sad stuff but all part of the hand.
(0)
Report
Im sorry youre dealing with that...personally, cruel as it may sound...tell him to keep his money. This story reminds me of the old man who buried his gold in the back yard, every night he would go out there, dig it up and admire it. One night, thieves watched him dig it up, they came and stole it. Consider the state/nursing home the thieves, and walk. No one should have to endure cruelty, I dont care how much dementia is involved. Vow to yourself you will not do that to your children, have everything legally documented years before you become infirm, and that way, it cant be changed. It will give your children the power to know that no matter how demented you get, you wont exact your revenge out on them financially.
(0)
Report
That is good advice by confused, who doesn't seem confused to me, at all. Boundaries seems to be the big issue here. We need to keep healthy ones in place, even if it does mean making some changes, whether or not our parents like it. It cost me my guardianship, but God cast out the scorner, and now the new guardian is having trouble with mom. No matter what I tried made mom made. Unfortunately, I am not happy with the decisions the PG is making, which is why I fought it in the first place. I hate the government intrusion into the lives of my loved ones, but I was under the thumb of a very abusive mom, so it worked out best for me. Unfortunately, she is still trying to control things in regards to my dad, (who I am still guardian for), and mom is causing all sorts of grief with the nursing home staff. I will deal with mom's PG for that. They just try to push their weight around, not caring whom they affect. It is up to us to counter unrealistic expectations and unreasonable demands, because they absolutely will not. Someone has to make good decisions! And a demented mind cannot.
(0)
Report
I am financially much better off then my Father currently and am not concerned about hte money, what was more shocking was to hear such a desperate, immature ploy which indicates to me how deeply upset he is. He has and aide 3 days a week and that allows me time to work. We will hold on as long as it is possible. I have told him the first time he ever is verbally abusive to my wife or when it gets out of hand to the point we cannot do anything or work etc. it will be over, I have stayed as long as we did becasue he is making stupid decisions and there are people on the preiphery who want to "help" but in truth are probably interested in money or antiques etc. He is more than willing to give things away without consulting etc. I was mad the first time I posted. Somedays are better than others but those days are sadly fewer and fewer. He watches FOX news all day which I have come to refer to as the suicide channel. I cannot handle 30 seconds of it. That drags him down and makes him even harder to deal with and his depression worse.
(0)
Report
Towards the Nursing homes, they are the worse. He views them as his friends and indeed there are good people on staff but they are a business and strive to provide minimal care with maximum return. My Dad will not attempt to protect assets and considers any other approcah like wealth transer as "wrong". I do not care if he spends all of his money BUT I do not want to have to go back to work (I am self-employed) to support him after all the money is gone. That is my greatest dread after spending 15 years to develop a business and have a comfortable life without a 9-5 etc.
(1)
Report
Some of the specific things i have noted that seem to be symptoms are-
1 Becomes Obsessed and emotional over trivial things. Wants to go to the store almost daily and buys several items regardless of needs, ie. wants surpluses of food that goes to waste, buys large quantities of food but only eats 30% poor planning.
2 Does not think Clearly easily angered and irritated by mail etc. bills .
3 Does not relaize his decisions and activities effect others
4 Treats others as servants by making commands no please or thank you etc.
5 Talking to self constantly
6 Telephoning people all day, contractors, family , Medical etc. appearently out of boredom.
7 Distorted views of self-importance
8 Fear of people breaking into the house, fear of other Ethnic groups etc.
9 Loss of short term memory confusion, argumentive about anything he does not want or remember etc.

Sound like normal aging or demntia etc?
(0)
Report
I would get him a Geriatric Assessment at a Specialty Clinic for an accurate diagnosis. Sounds a lot like my mom, whom I told will get much worse. It also sounds like my dad, who is now in Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. Mom has been diagnosed as having severe Personality Disorders. Doesn't matter which, they can both be difficult to deal with. Best wishes. Above all, protect your own sanity, with support, healthy activities, and some distance.
(1)
Report
perhaps a depression therapy; prozac/cymbalta/wellbutrin? If the primary doctor is in agreement with you being his primary caregiver and having to survive him (father) without losing your business, and your lifeswork....you have a very good list above as to what your father is doing, and tho' I am not a 'shrink' some of it is smacking of a disorder.
(0)
Report
As an Assisted Living Center Administrator I've seen this type of behavior many times with residents that have dementias.
Paranoid, they think everyone is stealing from them....they treat their family caregiver like dirt.....they are extremely demanding of the caregivers time and energies.....they literally sap-the-life from the caregiver. My advise is inform any living family siblings that it's their turn....or if you have none.....make an appointment with his doctor, write a letter to hand to his doctor explaining all the characteristics he displays, asking for his heip in placing him in a home. If you wait until you suffer health related problems, (the doctor understands the stress placed on a family caregiver) this can literally kill you first, before he dies, then what. Dementias slowly kill off parts of the brain that produce the chemicals that keep one on an even keel, and the doctor can replace those with the medications that help him to recover his civility, and eliminate the lows he faces. It's best for all involved to place him where he will best be taken care of. Nursing Homes are out of the question, Assisted Living is much better. I've found the residents that treat family terribly often treat professional caregivers much better, because he's not "Dad". He sounds like he can afford it, so give him that option. Google Assisted living for your city/county and you'll find several options.
(2)
Report
This if you don't do as I say I will write you out of my will is something my wife has heard from her mother since we got married in 1988. Her twin sister hears the same thing over and over again. That woman is so much a combination of "mommy dearest" and the "wicked witch of the west" that she charged her ovarian cancer patient daughter rent on one of many houses that she owns plus it was basically a shack. Miraculously, my SIL has lived since her treatments in 2000, but her mother bad moths her all over town about what a bad daughter she is and worthless husband she has while Debra does far toom much for her in both my and her psychiatrist opinion. The woman is filthy rich and keeps moving all over town from one house to another or an appartment to a condo, to another house and now has had a $500,000 duplex built which in a normal sized city would have cost anywhere from twice to three times as much. How cruel some parents are and also be good church members is horrible. How can the love of God abide in a person who has more than enough means to help but then charge her then freshly diagnosed daughter with cancer rent and to make it worse rent in a shack. I'm going to constrain myself from saying anything more.
(0)
Report
Thanks for the comments. He is still convinced that he can do everything alone and has an aide 3 days a week so we have time to work still. I think he is less than a year away from a wheelchair and that will be a time to discuss and intiate moving him toward thinking assisted living etc. I think the reason I tolerate it is that I realize mainly he is scared of dying and he has essentially lost his wife. I can take it right now but if it continues to get worse I will change the situation based on what is best for him and us. Thanks for the help. It is nice to have someone to "talk to". I try to let my wife focus on what she needs to do for the families future and try to deal with what I can as well as possible. Best-
(0)
Report
I feel sorry for you. My mother has done the same thing to me. It got so bad at one point that I just threw up my hands and let her have her way. She demanded to go in in an apt by herself and so there she is now. In an apartment by herself screwing up her medicines and also demands to drive and she is very very dangerous. But she caused so much trouble for me to get her way that I gave it to her just to stop what she was doing to me publicly.
(0)
Report
wow...I read the same sad stuff over and over and over again lately on how MEAN AND SELFISH these old folks are and can be....geeezus...isn't any government/medical agency even bothering reading these blogs..............dang...I have the same problemo folks...hooked as the babysitter...this is insanity!
(0)
Report
I took care of my mom alone for five years. By the end of that five years, I was burned out, frustrated, overwhelmed and upset with the rest of my family for not helping out enough. Now that she is in the nursing home, she is still very demanding, calls a lot at home when I take a day off, tells me she cannot manage there without me, asking me to explain away why the rest of my family doesn't come to visit often enough. She does little things and says things that are pointed to make me feel guilty for not being able to take care of her alone, and is really upset with my sister for getting guardianship. Guardianship was necessary becasue she was trying to check herself out of the nursing home. Things have kind of settled down, I told her I would not come and visit if she was going to be harping on me and demand things I can't provide for her. Now we have pleasant visits together, I have started writing her life story and she is telling me things about her life I never knew before which are helping me put the pieces together on the genealogy work I am doing. I also play the piano for her, bring music tapes and videos (music seems to calm her down), this helps her to accept where she is now and not complain all the time. At first I though she would really be upset having the nurses help her instead of me, but she really likes the nurses. I keep telling her "don't make waves" or it will just make it harder for me, and she seems to be accepting. I do not think she will ever get over her resentment toward my sister though, as she is the one that has the guardianship.
(2)
Report
One is trapped by the fear drama, guilt kings and queens as well as the obligation-worshipfullness to the degree that we chose to. One of the worst and most powerful impacts of the F.O.G. is it blinds us to the power of our own choices! My the power of choice go with you and liberate you more and more both today and all the days ahead.
(0)
Report
124 when did you place her? How long did it take for her to adjust?

Crow....thanks....this morning on tv they were talking about overstressing and JUST SAY NO and not feel guilty...and that was about everyday stress not even caregiver stress.

Yeah I got FOG handed to me last eve as well..."I'm a helpless old woman"...I said did I make you old, did I make you helpless? I said all I am doing is trying to help you. It's amazing on how they want to put all their fears of growing old upon your shoulders and not theirs. I told her don't you think I am going to be old one day as well and going to be at your same point as well?
(0)
Report
Yeah, they want you to absorb their feelings instead of dealing with them theirselves. However, if we mirror their feelings back to them then we become the bad person. Some people are great at creating tornadoes and then stepping inside of it as if they are its victim.
(0)
Report
Well crowe we both know how NPD or Borderlines are. It did kinda stop her in her tracks when I said this. I have always tried to use real reasoning with my mom, but with the N's and their own world that revolves around them with their own rules it can be quite testy.
(0)
Report
My dad has Alzheimer's/dementia and this sounds like a real possibility with your dad. He needs to be evaluated. There are some meds that help a bit, slowing down the disease and/or lessening the symptoms, helping with moods and behavior, so it's definitely worth speaking to the doctor about. My dad still lives at home with my mom and has good days and bad days. He goes through phases, about every 3 weeks, of anger/jealousy/stubborn, then he's sweet and cheerful for a while. He was never, ever jealous or abusive to my mom, but now when he goes through bad spells he wakes her up at night accusing her of things and being verbally abusive. Very sad to see my sweet dad be that way. There have been a lot of times he's been worried about people stealing things as well. I am wondering if your dad has Alzheimer's or dementia setting in, or if he is just depressed and resentful over your mom's situation and not having her around. Either way, you need to protect your marriage, your health (mental and physical), and get help. Pray for wisdom, talk to the doctor, get some elder care resources, and don't be bullied. Good luck. I hope things work out in the best interest of everyone involved.
(0)
Report
kentwood, just wondering what you are doing to protect your mom from your dad's abuse phases? That must be hard on her. Is she going to a support group? What type of relief is she getting from the 24/7? Bless your family during this difficult time.
(0)
Report
Janevillesblues,

"I think the reason I tolerate it is that I realize mainly he is scared of dying and he has essentially lost his wife. I can take it right now but if it continues to get worse I will change the situation based on what is best for him and us. "

I'm also an only child and I can understand some of your delima, but I'm somewhat remain perplexed. The weird receprication thing is strange and part of the guilt, obligation trip deal. From the above, I gather a good part of this is based on pity or fear of something? His fear of dying is his emotion not yours. Your absobing for him is on the verge of bringing death to your marriage, your career, you own health prematurely, etc.

How many more chances are you goint to give him? Why are you deciding to hang in there a little longer when from the earlier posts about this, I gathered you were at a breaking point.

I might be totally wrong but I only see three alternatives. 1. Stay as you are and continue playing the blues. 2. Stay as you are until your dad dies only to find your marriage is distroyed, your career demoloshed, your own retirement funds fanished, and your healthed wrecked, etc. singing the blues possibly as a destitute homeless person who crucified themselves. 3. Take the suggestions people have shared here plus get some counseling to get beyond the fear or whatever else it is so that you can take healthy actions for both him, yourself and your marriage. 4. I'm confident that you can do number three, but you must believe in yourself and believe that you do have the power of choice.
(0)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter