Dealing with bad decisions and tantrum-like behavior from my Father Age 86, threats of never talking to us again, telling the family etc. I travel for my job and my wife and I cared for my Mother for 3 years, she went into a nursing home early this year and we planned to move out. BUT now my father (87) is essentially demanding we care for him, do not travel, do not go out at night, do not leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell the family we have neglected him etc. He is on the phone and based on treatment we are getting from relatives it appears we are telling them we are leaching off him etc. He is okay as long as everything he wants is done. I feel absolutely trapped, the potential loss of the property is not an issue, I am succesful etc. it is the guilt and threat of shaming etc.
Paranoid, they think everyone is stealing from them....they treat their family caregiver like dirt.....they are extremely demanding of the caregivers time and energies.....they literally sap-the-life from the caregiver. My advise is inform any living family siblings that it's their turn....or if you have none.....make an appointment with his doctor, write a letter to hand to his doctor explaining all the characteristics he displays, asking for his heip in placing him in a home. If you wait until you suffer health related problems, (the doctor understands the stress placed on a family caregiver) this can literally kill you first, before he dies, then what. Dementias slowly kill off parts of the brain that produce the chemicals that keep one on an even keel, and the doctor can replace those with the medications that help him to recover his civility, and eliminate the lows he faces. It's best for all involved to place him where he will best be taken care of. Nursing Homes are out of the question, Assisted Living is much better. I've found the residents that treat family terribly often treat professional caregivers much better, because he's not "Dad". He sounds like he can afford it, so give him that option. Google Assisted living for your city/county and you'll find several options.
1 Becomes Obsessed and emotional over trivial things. Wants to go to the store almost daily and buys several items regardless of needs, ie. wants surpluses of food that goes to waste, buys large quantities of food but only eats 30% poor planning.
2 Does not think Clearly easily angered and irritated by mail etc. bills .
3 Does not relaize his decisions and activities effect others
4 Treats others as servants by making commands no please or thank you etc.
5 Talking to self constantly
6 Telephoning people all day, contractors, family , Medical etc. appearently out of boredom.
7 Distorted views of self-importance
8 Fear of people breaking into the house, fear of other Ethnic groups etc.
9 Loss of short term memory confusion, argumentive about anything he does not want or remember etc.
Sound like normal aging or demntia etc?
Sorry for my long vent. As you see, I am struggling with a controlling mother, and I've written enough about that, and didn't need to repost it here. From that example, though, I hope you realize you are not alone. Many of us are dealing with controlling parents. We were taught to follow their lead, but as we grow older, we shatter that false idea, and start setting healthy boundaries. I wasn't familiar with this terminology until coming here. And I am taking notes and listening. Bless you for looking out for your wife, and caring for your folks. Keep you wife's needs and desires above the unreasonable demands and unrealistic expectations of your dad. Sounds like your mom's needs are covered. What is the controlling factor with your dad? Why does he has so much of it over you? It seems if you can identify that, you're well on your way to focusing on what works for your wife and you, and affecting how you handle your father's needs.
I have come to the place where honoring my mother and father means: basic shelter, food, clothing, and medical help as needed. Anything beyond that is not a need, but comfort. We are not guaranteed any of the above, but willing contribute to the happiness of others, when possible. That is going the second mile. Your dad's demands call for you to decide what you will and won't do, and that has to be your decision. Tantrums from adults aren't very dignified, are they? As any child who demands their way, there needs to be some guidelines set. We support you in any healthy action you take, and in the best interests of everyone involved. Thanks for sharing your story. It's tough when we have to care for our folks, as we can all testify. Best wishes for all of you.
Second, you have identified what really has you trapped is the guilt and threat of shaming which is meant to instill fear so you will feel obligated to care for him exclusively to the degree that you in essence become his slave with agreeing not to travel; to not go out at night and to not leave him, etc.
He's set up a very good formula for you to burn out; for your health and your wife's health to get into serious trouble; to possibly even die before he does; and ultimately destroy your marriage, your job, your friends, etc, all of which is totally unreasonable.
I gather he is living in your house. He is abusing you and your wife and you do not need to have an abusive person like that destroying your life when he could go to a nursing home, etc.
While it is not a protect all do all, but I sure hope you have durable and medical POA.
Here's some of my standard action points for something like this.
1. Get yourself some fresh air by seeing if your primary physcian thinks either of you needs an anti-depressent and or anti-anxiety med for probably just this immediate crisis time.
2. I suggest you get some therapy to deal with the guilt, fear and obligation thing your dad is playiing inside your head with.
3. I'd call in a home health nurse to evaluate the situation.
4. I'd get him to his doctor for a full evaluation and talk with the doctor before hand or fax the doctor about your concerns.
5. One thing I'd want to know is does he need some meds that he is not on now.
If home health and the doctor suggest nursing home, then I'd get a certified sitting service to free you up with the time to look for a nursing home. You will need to know his financail assest which includes any long term insurance polocy that he might have.
Has your dad always been controlling like this and been wiling to distortion campaigns like he is doing to you right now. If so, then you might be dealing with a long term personality issue that you did not cause, you can't fix, nor can you control, but you also don't have to be the sacrificail lamb for his abuse. You must find a way for him to get the care and safety he needs, plus get yourselves back on a healthier path than the one you are on right now.
I hope this helps. Keep us posted!
Whether or not your father has dementia,Alz or is just plain mean, I suggest you try to get the problem under control asap. If I had acted on my mom's threats,nasty attitude and lies, I wouldn't be dealing with lawyers right now since she is suing me, revoked the POA and disinherited me and my kids. I don't care about anything she has or that the things are going to a conniving, cheating paid caregiver. What I do mind is mom accusing me of stealing from her, which I did not, but I've had to prove all of it. Being accused of theft by your own mother is the lowest of the low. She's punishing me, like she has my whole life, I guess because I'm me. She should know I wouldn't steal from her because if she ran out of money I'd have to take her in and that would be the biggest punishment of all time. Oh wait, I think she does know that.
Yeah, mom was okay as long as things went her way, but boy howdy, the trash she talked when they didn't.
Of course, not all moms are like mine . .. thank you Lord. I'm just telling you my story in all of it's ugliness so you can see what CAN happen when actions are slow to come.
Good luck!!