I'm struggling. My husband was told by his doctor that he only had a week or so to live. We left the hospital and went home to hospice care.

I am so sorry to hear this. I have not posted in a while because my caregiving was, unfortunately, over a few months ago, but I was back after looking around to recommend caregiving sites to someone else and saw your post and wanted to respond (I know it's been about a week since the last reply, but the post is still showing up on the first page for me).

I did the same. We had little information from doctors and it wasn't until near the end that someone finally told us definitively that my mother was dying, and soon-- though we knew it was probably the case, I didn't want to talk as if it was because we weren't sure (and then the end came faster than we expected). And I didn't want to upset her. And I thought we had time (but she, too, was not entirely with-it in the last few weeks because of hepatic encephalopathy, so conversations that might have happened had she remained completely lucid, did not-- everything from talking about her dying to talking about exactly what she wanted for a funeral). Does all of this sound familiar?

I, also, struggle with it. But, I don't allow myself to beat myself up over it (or try not to; if I tell you that you can simply tell yourself not to feel guilty and that works, that you don't sometimes have to practically grab yourself by the collar and shake yourself and even then you doubt, I'd be lying), and you shouldn't, either. Hindsight is always 20/20, as you know. You thought you were doing the best you could at the time. Now you do not feel that is the case, but there is honestly nothing you can change by feeling guilty about it now; it will only make you feel bad. You took care of your husband and you were there right to the end. And perhaps he did not think you did anything wrong at all. 

As others have said, no matter what you had done, you will always be able to think of something you didn't do, or didn't do "right," or didn't do well enough, or didn't do enough of. Always. I can feel guilty about things as small as "I forgot to bring my mom a bottle of soda she wanted while she was still able to drink it" (the one I brought after she no longer wanted to eat/drink is still in my fridge), or "I shouldn't have held her so hard to the low-sodium diet the doctor wanted her on and should've let her eat whatever the hell she wanted if we'd known she had so little time left" or as big as "I should've done whatever it took to let her come home to die rather than pushing her into a nursing home because we couldn't afford extensive home care aides and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of her myself"-- or, yes, "I should've asked her if she wanted to talk about it because she probably was afraid and did want to talk but didn't want to upset me by bringing it up" and a million other things that I, as my friend would say, "shoulda, woulda, coulda" (in a way that means he thinks worrying about these things after the fact doesn't help).

And for everything I didn't do? There were things I DID do, things that some other people wouldn't do, things I hope meant something to my mom and I hope she saw exactly what they were and understood it meant how much I cared for her. I'm sure you have those things too, whether they're small or large. Remember them, whenever you think of the things you feel you didn't do. Everything balances out and for every way you think you failed him, think of the things you did that were wonderful.


(And like Davina, I first learned this "there is nothing you can change by chastising yourself" lesson from a cat.)

Hugs...many hugs to all of you wonderful people. The conflict, of course, is with my heart and my brain. The love and reinforcement you all are sending to me caresses my heart with an understanding that I DID do all I could.... for the 37 years we were married and for the last 6 of those years that he was not well physically. He did keep his mental faculties throughout those 6 years and we often laughed about how I needed him to help me remember things. How fortunate we were to have this. I will (am) starting to "stop" dwelling on those last moments and to congratulate us on the many years of memories we had. I still cry (a lot) but for happier reasons. I miss our life, the way it was before he became ill and I miss what it could have been, had he not become ill. I'm not quite convinced I did okay during the end stages, but I was definitely overwhelmed by what was happening without the luxury of time to adjust. I was certainly not alone as you all have shared. He loved me beyond words and my being there with him was enough (I hope). Thanks to ALL of you for your support. It was the support I needed and will continue to need. Big hugs to all of you.

Everyday8: You're very welcome, dear lady. Please know that at any time you can come back to this forum for the wonderful people (better than me, most certainly) for support and a hug or two.

Psalm 34:18

" The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. "

Everyday8: Why is it we don't give ourselves enough credit for the great things we do, and instead focus on that we feel we didn't do enough? We're odd creatures, aren't we?

When your husband came home, you both expected to be together for about a week. He was with you for two months! Give yourself great credit that your husband was with you for much longer and under such a terrible strain.

I am so sorry for your great loss. Be good to yourself. You deserve it. {hug}

God Bless you "everyday". You not talking about the inevitable was your gift to him. Peace.