My mom died tonight at her assisted living facility. She was in pain, and I ran to get help. I got into a 15 minute argument with the nurse trying to get them to up her level of morphine, but by the time I came back, she was gone. I feel so guilty. I want to throw up and pull my hair out and rend my clothes yet, I’m just sitting here at home, in shock. I am sad, but was also so fearful of further decline for her.
With her passing, something comes to a close for me. 10 years of being the primary point person/ POA/caregiver for her and my dad ( dementia/Parkinson’s). I simultaneously feel I made so many mistakes, and that I should have done more, and am exhausted when I look at what’s left of my life after the time consuming work of moving them, caring for them, then finding them a facility, then advocating for them, handling things like doing their taxes, visiting every week, etc etc etc. A million times feel they suffered from my ignorance. I regretted I was not a clinician, because I felt so inept navigating the health care system.
So I came to tell people who I know would understand when so many didn’t and gave me bs platitudes and empty promises. And to say thank you. I’ve been a long Time lurker who has favorited so many of your posts because they have been a life saver to me. Thank you to you all. You, and this community are a painful blessing. In the silence of sitting, and my grief, I pondered on gratitude, and this forum flew up like a butterfly in my mind. I realized this, and thought I’d say so.
Of course during caregiving, we make mistakes. We could have, should have done more, done it better, been nicer, been more patient and on and on. But we are human and have our own needs, needs of our spouses, children, grandchildren, et etc. Life is complicated.
Take the time you need to grieve.
You are a wonderful human being and you gave 10 years.
Mom might have been waiting for you to leave the room; to pass. That argument might have happened - no matter what you did.
Guilt is one of those crippling emotions that we or others impose upon ourselves.
PLEASE know that in 10 years: if you didn't make any mistakes.... then you were not doing anything.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I hope you can find a way to live now for yourself, now. I think that you have given so much already. Please, take care of yourself.
-Bevel