I am the fulltime primary caregiver for my mother with vascular dementia and alzheimers as well as severe aphasia other health issues. A year ago, I left my apartment and job and life in NYC to come stay in Mississippi to fulltime caregive for my mother. My siblings do not and will not do hands on caregiving. For awhile, I was angry about their refusal to help, but I accepted that finally. However, they also not only refuse to give me any emotional support or ever even ask me how I am holding up, but they constantly tell me what to do, what I'm not doing correctly in their eyes, what else I should be doing, etc. They act as if they resent me for even being here doing this. It is as if they feel that they would not have to feel guilt for not helping Mom or look bad to the people in her small town for not helping her if none of us were helping her and just left her care to paid caregivers or assisted living but that my doing this does make them look bad. This is already a hard job. Being away from my home or life is hard. Watching Mom progress and lose dignity is hard. As she worsens, the job of caregiving itself becomes more physically and emotionally hard. Losing who I am or even feeling like a human is hard. My sisters constantly backseat driving and criticizing when they won't roll up sleeves to help makes it excruciating. I do not know how much longer I can do this. I feel as if I'm losing my mind daily. I feel so alone. I can't sleep. I cry so many times throughout the day. I feel as if I'm not able to adequately caregive for Mom as I feel more emotionally drained and sad and frustrated. I do not know how to fix this. Life feels hopeless and like I'm in a cage that is hellish.
Who cares what the people in her small town think? I doubt they really think anything at all about it. They're busy with their own families' challenges.
Tell your sisters that you need to go home, and make a plan with them. If they continue to complain and criticize, go ahead and make the plan on your own.
I finally realized that I had reached the end of the road with my sister, and had her placed in a group home. She actually improved since she had to re-learn simple life skills like toileting and feeding herself again. When I moved, I told my dad I was leaving in two weeks and gave him a list of things to complete. I told him that I was moving out. We completed the placement process and he went on with his life, and I went on with mine. Dad tried to pass his guilt on to me, but I wasn't buying it. I was done. I did the majority of the heavy lifting for three years. In those three years, I was allowed to work at least. There were no outside activities other than church. I was saddled down while the family took exotic vacations, camping trips and etc.
Sometimes, you just come to a fork in the road, and you are forced to make a decision. For me, it was financial.
Dementia doesn't get better. It's a progressive illness.
I agree with the others here to get a part-time job to at least earn some income for yourself.
Your family shouldn't insist on your doing the job that they won't. Professional caregivers in a facility can give mom a safe, caring life, and there is no shame in admitting you can't. Instead, congratulate yourself when you find exactly the right place for mom, and be grateful that you can give her that level of care. Professional care can be much better than the care that a frazzled worn-out family member can provide. I'm a family caregiver X 4, and I know.
As to their criticisms, what would happen if you said you could really use a monthlong vacation and they are welcome to cover for you yo try out their own suggestions on how it should be done.
You didn’t get into who has DPOA for your mom, and health care proxy. If it one of your sisters, that might make it a bit more complicated to place her. You also don’t mention whether your mom/ her estate is paying you to care for her. Whether she has a house that can be sold for her care or whether she is on Medicare/ Medicaid.
good luck! I hope you escape from the hellish cage soon.
And set boundaries with your sibs, when they start on the "shoulda coulda woulda" firmly tell them their comments aren't welcome or helpful.