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Anticipating a visit to MIL in three weeks. The migraines have started already, just from dreading the phony act she puts on, pretending to be all lovey-dovey to my face and then saying awful things about me to everybody she knows. It's not new with dementia; she loathes me for stealing her first-born son away from her and for refusing to kowtow to her. Thirty years of dealing with the queen of the narcissists have taken their toll.
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Oh Tex, tell hubby to confiscate her card andcheck book and wwhen you are better you will consider giving them back. Add the bit about APS relocating her if she calls them because you are too "seriously" ill to stand the stress. now go and say good night to her nicely and tell her hubby is now on duty because the Dr has ordered a good nights sleep before the surgery. You will not be responding tonight unless she falls down the stairs and even then if she is still breathing. Tuck yourself into bed with a book or the TV plus a drink or a snack to eat around midnight. Under no cumstances appear till you need to get up and have your pre op shower in the morning. Get dressed and go back to you room and stay there. Whatever you have not done stays undone and DO NOT WORRY you will be asleep and there will be plenty of pain relief afterwards. Don't report anything less than an 8 if you want more meds.. Blessings
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more whining! mum went to bed 20mins ago then my bro rang now just settling to watch something and some ME time and shes back down again looking for tea? Wtf is going on with her sleeping tabs cause they sure aint working? 5mg of stilnoct and shes awake?????? i take one and im gone for 7hrs??
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After reading about parents who are always buying things, I have the opposite problem..... my whine is that my parents DON'T buy things that would make their life easier, and they can easily afford anything they want.... like one of those life alert systems.... nope, that's for old people [my parents are in their 90's] and Dad doesn't want to pay the monthly fee.

Another thing my Dad would love to have a higher speed internet but he rather complain a 100 times about how slow dial up is.... [sigh].... he doesn't want to pay to have that. My parents love old movies, and Turner Classic has a lot of really wonderful films, but again my parents don't want to pay for it, plus they say they are *too busy* to watch TV.... too busy????.... oh well, maybe it takes a half hour to get dress at that age, I don't know.
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I understand about the clutter. When my mother moved with me she though she was bringing all her stuff LOL, we would have had to buy another house to do that. Went through a lot yelling and tears,mostly mine, but put my foot down, I had to ,there simply wasn't room in my house for all her stuff. It was one h*ll of an estate sell. Even now I have to be very firm that any stuff she buys has to fit in her bedroom or it is not coming in the house and on top of that if it makes it more difficult to move around in her bedroom it isn't coming in the house.
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freqflyer - hubbie and I actually use that method in our own (quite small) home. And, if we see something useless but tempting, we ask "Where will we put it?" If we can't immediately say where, then forget it!
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For those who's parents are constantly buying things.... tell them for anything new they bring into the house, something old has to be removed [I was temped to say them]. Trash it or donate it. If it is furniture, see if the delivery men can haul away an older piece of furniture and give them a nice tip.
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Big whine gosh why is everyday just impossible? got a phone call from a furniture store mum has gone and bought an Armchair and foot stool WE CANNOT MOVE IN FRONT ROOM WITH FURNITURE????????
Am so fed up with this more bloody furniture to clutter uip an already cluttered house its like a living h*ll.

I snapped at her and she got mad slamming doors again "whats it to you if i buy stuff?its none of your business".

Just cant cope with this everyday picking up clutter a mess everywhere then she has the "cheek" to abuse me and say i do nothing.

I think we all need to be assessed! I mean are we "mad" to be doing this? whats it all about and for what? Oh please god bring me the money to runaway from here asap. I dont think im going to make it out of this a normal person!
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Yes good luck Tex at least youll kinda have a break from mum feel for you as cant imagine having surgery then coming home to mum and the stress you make sure you have a good break and heal!
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Feel for you Tex, been there. Makes you weep, doesn't it.

GOOD LUCK for tomorrow! Do nothing else 'til the surgery's over, just get yourself better.
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My long-winded whine today...
I really don't know how sometimes that I will survive this. Living with her (for me) is pure hell. She just doesn't 'get it'. I am very weary of trying to deal with that fact. She is oblivious to everything.
Not only am I weary of the invasion---the absolute invasion of privacy. I have very few moments of peace. She invades when I sit down at the toilet, in the shower, at my computer, on my phone...And the interruptions are what she has just asked me a thousand times before.
Just this morning, she is 'slamming drawers' looking for new blood testing strips. She goes thru them like toilet paper too. I find them on the floor and outside everywhere. So I need to use the bathroom and she interrupts me to ask me where her testing strips were. Exasperated, I told her I would get her a new box when I was done. But I can still hear her rummaging for the new boxes---loudly. So I get up--unfinished---from what I am doing and get her the g*&%$#@*&&^$% strips and lay them on the counter next to her testing kit.
I now get ready to go for my walk and am out the door and on the road and I hear her call my name from inside the house. I keep walking not wanting to deal with her at the moment. I am in great need of some peace .
When I get back some 20 minutes later, she grabs my attention with, "I can't find my box of test strips. I'm thinking, Are - you - kidding - me!? I tell her (rigidly) that I put them on the counter right next to her testing kit (which has been moved so I know she found it). She gives me the angry look and starts looking all around for where she put them. Ten minutes later just as I steal a moment to sit, she says, "I can't find my test strips". Now I am friggn' annoyed. I tell her (with great emphasis)...."I PUT THEM ON THE COUNTER AND YOU PICKED THEM UP AND PUT THEM SOMEWHERE"!
So....My peaceful, meditative walk that earnestly ask for guidance, peace, patience, love and compassion has fallen into the toilet!
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Also , if she calls the police or APS on me because I took the credit card and checks away she better tell them to bring a U-Haul truck with them because she will be out of my house so quick she won't know what hit her,that I will change my phone number and she will be on her own.I am an only child as is she. Being nice doesn't get thru to her, she is NPD and very passive-aggressive.I hate having to be this way but how else can I protect her from herself?
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I have spent 2 hours on the phone with the bank, and online pharmacy clearing up the mess my mother made with her credit card. Have to go thru so much phone automation to get to a real person. Also the charge she made the sunday has shown up on her credit card on the computer as a pending charge, called the credit card company and they said the charge would have to go thru and not be pending before I could dispute it, it was charged on her now cancelled card. It's a chase card and so far they have always been good about service , at least for me, I know for myself we had to cancel our card twice because of suspicious charges and they were very good about cancelling the card and we were never held responsible for the charges. I always check our checking and credit card accouts on line every 24 hours, but I am having surgery on my neck in the morning and just worry about something getting away from me. I bluntly told her if this ever happened again I will be taking her credit card if I have to wrestle it from her, cut it up and take away her checks and she will have to ask me for one . I hate being this draconian toward her but it is for her protection. She doesn't have dementia but is on 180mg morphine a day, she isn't out of it, wide awake but it does lower her inhibitions and common sense.Just made it clear, I am the one having surgery and I don't need this cr*p right now.
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Susan-
Get mom checked for a UTI. My mom has had a succession of the 7 or 8 in the past year. The first one showed as a back ache. I even took her to a massage therapist because I thought that would help. No massage in the world will cure a UTI! LOL!
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Thanks everyone. Still trying to figure out what in the world to do - Mom's back has been hurting since we returned from our trip, and I don't know if it's the week of travel (in and out of the van, more movement than she's used to) or the change in beds. She slept well at the motel, but now she complains that her back hurts all the time, and is taking the full prescribed dosage of Tramadol to help with that - which means she's sleeping a lot, laying in bed, which can't be helpful for her back. We're kind of in a catch-22 situation here.
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Tex my mother was the same. At a time when she was still able to use the phone in the NH she called the bank to order cheques but they have my POA on file and they refused. She also ordered hearing aids "but I won't wear them because they don't look nice" for $4,000 and I had to scramble to cancel. Nowadays she can't sit up, stand, write or speak much so she can't use the phone. She has no cheques or credit/debit card and I handle all her finances. The NH office has instructions to give her no mail unless it's a greeting card or something. Anything else she throws in a drawer and the government gets pissy when you ignore their mail.
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OMG! My mother is a Narc, I am having my neck surgery tomorrow. I don't know if you read but my mother was the one that was trying to order something off the TV,gave out her credit card inof, I had to cancel it and cut it up and check with the bank to make sure she hadn't compromised her checking account.Well her new card came in yesterday and I was begging her for the love of god just behave the next few days after my surgery, First thing out of her mouth well I saw these 2 rings being advertised, I never let her finish, I justed started screaming, god forgive me, to not cause any upset while I am trying to recuperate, that I would chop that card up to and any card she ordered because she can;t' get to the mailbox but I can. I am also thinking about hiding her checks while I recuperate, sure she can order some more over thephone to the bank, but again she can't get to the mailbox and I'll just burn those. She want for nothing. Even has a paid companion that takes her out shopping.My god she just lives to shop, has always been that way.
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A walker is a great idea if she'll use it. I got my mother one but she refused to use it in the house, preferring to hang on to the walls and furniture, so she fell frequently.
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Susan, be careful of those walkers with 4 wheels and a seat. They go quite a bit faster than the ordinary walkers because of the wheels. More difficult for mom to control. Might want to have her try one before you buy it.
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Geesh cant even get the curse right! Just like my whole day!
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My whine moment ......truly missing my dear friend who passed away two months ago. She was the one who helped me with my mom whom I have been caregiving for 18 years. Have another friend who is helping some but she can't do it next week which happens to be my daughter's birthday. I felt so dejected and angry. Not at my friend of course but at my mom. My mom has so taken it foe granted that I and my family will again put our plans on hold just for her.

Then she says "oh I should die ". That's not the point. The point is that she makes me feel worse by never asking my siblings to help me out or give me a break!!!!!! She always says "well they work." And what do I do with her? Play?? I wish! I get so angry that we always have to be the ones
changing our lives for her and she never does anything to try and help herself and us....it's not fair and I really felt like hitching about it (can I say that?)
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Oh Lord, when I have a bad coughing fit, I can. I don't think this is only seniors, My mother had that problem when coughing or laughing when I was young. Thick pads would work too. I always wear them when I am travelling - just in case. Oh well, 5 pregnancies/deliveries and I will be 80 in a few years, so I guess it is the natural progression of things. Surely some others out there have those issues too.
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sallie i was thinking those depends may be good to wear to a concert!! You know no queing for the toilets sorry am i the only one that has thought of this? Ok we may look like Kim Kardashian from behind but booty is in isnt it!!!!!!!! LOL
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I hate being single!! i havnt been with a man in 5yrs? no date NOTHING oh an old guy flashed at me last week does that count?

I cant wait to have a date itll be like a teenagers first kiss? or a fkin disaster?

Im going to spain to let my hair down i am going to dance with strangers and be romanced i hope! I am going to ask a man out if i have to yeh lifes too short! God help the first guy that looks my way! no i hate being single i need an escape from this life be so nice to have a man to date and swtich off from dementia although most men ive gone out with before had "issues". Yeh am taking no more crap from men you got issues then fck off lifes too short. Yes i love the freedom of being single but 5yrs is along time. If i dont get out there now and date im going to end up a mad cat lady!!
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When my mom has coughing fits she pees some. I have gotten her "Depends" She doesn't mind wearing them. They have made them more comfortable now. She also wears them if I'm going to have her out fir a while.
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Gosh susan its scary! i was just thinking could she have a kidney infection? i had such a bad back years ago i thought i was going to die stupidly i thought it was back pain but after a week i went and was told off by the doc as i had a very bad kidney infection but excruciating back pain? just a thought maybe check it?

My mums stroller arrived last week we havnt gone out yet but its got wheels and a seat so fingers crossed!

Susan i know its hard and a worry but i have after a stroke from worrying about her learnt to just do as much as we can with them now as the end is in sight i think Jessiebelle or someone said to me here once months ago when i was in a bad way with worry that to enjoy your time something is going to happen a fall or worse its going to happen so we cant avoid it but worrying is not going to help you just try like i had to for my own mental health to do what you can and if she falls she falls you cant be on safety alert all the time it will drive you crazy and make you ill. I know how you are feeling mum is getting worse too and its the scariest thing to watch she walks so slow its frightening. I am just waiting for the day when she will no longer walk and that will be the beginning of the end BUT im prepared i do my best and somewhere in there is my mum and she knows i love her and ive tried to do my best. I speak with my bro every night and we are prepared for the worst my other siblings are not and its them i feel sorry for because their denial is going to ruin thier time with her.
I dont want mum in a NH none of us do but look its going to happen at some stage and it will be when youve no other choice and her care is just too much for you.

Go on that trip she may be fine with the stroller if she falls she falls we cannot live like this worrying too much prepare for things to happen and just enjoy every last minute.

Mum is impossible right now but her memory for things is fine i can imagine how scary it is when she dosnt remember half an hour ago. Mum just talks about the past ALOT? shes very quiet lately but not depressed just in her world but i know shes worried about something so hopefully the doc will help on Friday? Mum was never one to talk about her feelings shes a tough nut to crack and puts up a defence which is more worrying as she suffers in silence.

This is hard and i just wish mum was at peace i hope to God i never see this get much worse but i need to wake up a bit it is going to get worse and i just need to be prepared and do what i can.

Hugs as i know how youre feeling its the scariest time of our lives but its life it happens to us all we will be alot stronger people after this thats for sure!
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Kind of a sad whine tonight.

Mom is just not doing very well. Her memory is getting worse and worse. Today, she was talking about the cat we've had for 10 months, and asked me, "How did we come to have the cat, again?" 2 hours later, she commented on how nice of a cat he was, given that he was a stray when we got him, and how nicely he'd plumped up, because he was so skinny when we got him. For the first 24 hours after we got home, she was talking about the trip and how much she enjoyed it. Today, not a word about the trip at all, which is unlike her - when she is excited or happy about something, she'll bring it up for days on end. So the memory issues are definitely coming and going, but they're becoming more prevalent now.

The potty accidents are getting worse, too - her back hurts, so she doesn't want to move from a comfortable position once she finds one, and waits too long to go. Then, she struggles to stand up, because her back hurts, and the strain of standing causes her bladder to let go. Washed sheets twice yesterday, once today because of this.

She's extremely unsteady on her feet and leans on everything to get from point A to point B - like from her chair to her bed and her bed to the bathroom. At this point, a fall in the near future is almost inevitable - I'm trying very hard to prevent it, but it's almost a given that it's going to happen at some point, and I don't think it's going to be long. Very, very worried about the 2nd vacation trip later this year - it's a longer drive than the last one, and the vacation rental I found is somewhat handicap accessible, but I'm concerned about the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom - unless she wakes me up or I stay up all night to help her to the bathroom, there's a fall risk right there. She doesn't do very well with a walker, but I'm going to look at getting one anyway, one of the wheeled ones with a seat...something...anything to keep her somewhat mobile.

These episodes are increasing in frequency and it's really worrying....she doesn't want to go into a NH and I don't want her to, until it becomes absolutely necessary...and we can't afford home care or a health aide either. Struggling with this one a bit.
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snort... too funny ... also too hot to talk...no A/C 98 outside... wrinkled from being in the blow up pool... pant pant....whine whine....d*mn, should have spent her money and got A/C. She's in her skivvies...
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CountryMouse, LOL good ideas :)

I'll have cheese with my whine for the day... my Mom likes the store brand of reduced fat 2% milk shredded cheese... well, the store changed the colors on the bag and now my Mom thinks I bought the wrong cheese, even though it is identical inside to what she had been using.... she says it taste funny... Mom, it's the same cheese... she shakes her head *no*.... then I compared word for word the old bag with the new bag, same thing.... she still wasn't convinced.

I know elders have problems with change, but for crying out loud, we are talking cheese !!!
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Flies? Yep, everywhere but my fault. I leave the back door open all day so my dogs and cats can go out and enjoy. I put up with it for their happiness. Narc, manipulative and evil mother, a throw away child, my animals have always been my family and their happiness comes first.

Took Mommie Dearest to the dentist, 4km away, last Thursday. Call from the NH this afternoon that she was complaining the relined dentures hurt. As there was little or no dental care in the UK long ago my mother went to hospital and had all her teeth yanked in her late 20s as they were rotten..

Dentist last week said relined but after 60 years of dentures her jaw bones had worn away and there was nothing much left to support dentures. I guess she wears those that hurt or a spare pair that flap.

Explained that to the woman who called from the NH and they will start mincing her food. I'm dreading my next visit as it will be all about we have to go somewhere else, there has to be someone to fix this. Yep, in a perfect world but we don't live in a perfect world sweetie pie, we do the best we can with what we have but that's never been good enough for Madam..

I'm considering talking to the social worker, Sharon,,let her deal with it and stay away. For the past few weeks my mother is obsessed with Sharon tells her there are 200 nursing homes in the previous small city she lived in and all are much better so she plans to go see them, choose, book a room and move. It doesn't work that way sunshine but she won't listen to me. I wonder when Sharon is going to take her to view and choose? lol

CM I love animals and have had rescues life long. Currently I have 4 cats, all from dubious backgrounds, the oldest 14+, along with a miniature pinscher x jack russell terrorist, inherited from my mother, and an old black lab girl who came from rescue last year. I support and sometimes drive transport for local rescues and when my renos are done I may adopt another old one (old myself I don't want to leave anyone behind)..

CM my old lab girl, Ashy, is a prissy - hates getting wet or dirty. Gotta love her.
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