Hello, just a few words to let you know that I have been feeling better today. I received an antidecubitus bed and I met someone from the agency for home assistance. I should have a quote tomorrow. I can work 12 days per month at home but I have to go back to my office from the 15th to the 18th March. So I hope I will have someone to come here by then.
that is so very hard! I don’t know what to pray for: I don’t want her to suffer but I would like to have some more time to spend together.
but here I am today to wish a very happy Easter to all of you!
As to reporting the first place, if I understand correctly the Italian government was paying for your mother's stay there. I would contact their local office, or representative, or perhaps headquarters, and ask how to report an underperforming and potentially negligent facility. (I use the term potentially b/c you don't want to make accusations, just get the government involved and let them decide what accusations are appropriate.)
Yes, do find out how to report the previous facility. That's the only way these places get it sorted out.
on the 15th December I moved my mom to another facility after in the posh on they almost lost her device for checking her pacemaker… she is now closer and I can visit 6 days/7. But what is more important the check her, they saw her urine was concentrated and so they hydrated her by dripI was told by the nurse but I had already understood it as I saw the needle. In 40 days, in the beautiful new facility they never did anything like this.
Here she says everything is nice, she became friend of another lady whom she eats with and who encourages my mom to eat more! The building is older but they are well organised, the atmosphere seems to be cheerful and we had a good laugh when my mom told me the rehab therapist told her she is so cute he would like to adopt her!
I am now relaxing and sleeping for 8 hours per night! I can’t recall when I could last do this!
but I am still very angry with the other facility and wonder if I can do something to stop their bad behaviour. Not only do they receive money from the government but what about all those elderly people who do not have a family who can check on them?
while there my mom got an infection to her thumb, one to her eyes, they were not able to check her pacemaker, lost her roller (and the found it), broke her phone… let her cry in pain!!!! (Which I was told by the nurse! She told me to tell my mum to ask for help as she seemed afraid… I told her my mum called someone but was told they had no time for her and was probably called some not nice words).
I have a week off so I will write a little bit about what happened here.
tantissimi auguri per queste feste natalizie a tutti
I will visit her on Thursday and Sunday. They also have a psychologist for both the guests and their families. I will ask if I can meet her.
Shortly after my mom went to rehab post stroke, I was sitting in her room with her.
She said "you know, I have to pay for everything here". I asked her what she meant. She repeated that everything cost her money. I mentioned that her stay was being paid for by Medicare and she rilled her eyes.
Her nurse came in and gave my mom her pills, one at a time, explaining what each one was. My mother finished taking them and then turned to me and said "you see, I have to do EVERYTHING for myself here!". I asked what she meant and she pointed to her water pitcher and gave a "significant" look.
When the nurae left, I excused myself and followed her. I asked "what the...". Nurse Nancy looked at me sadly and said that the DON had asked the facility psychiatrist to see mom. She was diagnosed with Vascular dementia. After that, we checked up on all of mom's claims, but learned to verify what she was saying. She did a lot of misinterpreting, because her brain was broken and she didn't always ubderstand what was being asked of her.
Anche, first if all, get mom checked for a UTI. If her change of mental status is sudden, it could well be that.
But it is hard to know what on the other hand could be true… Are they really rude with her?
I find I need a rest on day after arrival at any holiday. All the fuss, packing & buzz subsides & my little brain must process all the new. Even just new smells!
Not remembering the help she got dressing etc could be true or not true... Maybe staff started, wandered off & left her to 'have a go' before coming back?
I have seen a nurse naming & handing each pill individually to a patient & the patient asking "Do you want me to take this? Aren't you going to help me? Do I have to do it myself??" LOL
It's human nature to forget all the help we DID get & remember the part we were alone & overwhelmed.
Give her time. Keep visiting & adding reassurance. Help her to find her voice there, so she can ask for what she needs.
Give yourself time too 🤗
yesterday I could visit her again. She was in a very bad mood and very confused. Saying they didn’t give her her medicine or dress her and that she had to do everything on her own. Which is absolutely impossible.
Today we spoke on the phone. She really was angry since they are letting her alone sitting on a chair and won’t let her walk around. She is almost completely bedridden. At home she could walk to the table or the toilet with a Walker and never on her own. She could not even get out of bed on her own.
I talked with a nurse and I asked to get in touch with the doctor.
It is so hard! I am wondering if I did the right thing. But having her with me was really putting my own life in danger.
we agreed to sign a contract for 3 months and we will then see how things go.
I said to my mom it is hard for me but we have to try and see how it works. She will have rehab and activities and won’t lay in bed the whole day. She may get better and home we well know she won’t from both the medical and social points of view.
I will go and visit her as often as allowed.
I myself told the therapist only death is irreversible. I this doesn’t work for both of us we will look for another solution. But we have to try first
it is one of those situations where your heart just won’t be reasonable.
It's not abandonment though; it's a different form and level of caring, intended to provide the best support available for our loved ones.
I felt the same way when we first had to use rehabs for my mother, then my sister and then my father. But when I saw how compassionate some therapists and nurses can be, and how effectively the therapists plan a route to physical strength and restoration, I knew that there was no way I could do this on my own. In fact, I would feel guilty that I was cheating my family out of the best solution.
It takes some time to reach that rationalization though.
In fact, when my back was injured earlier this year and I was crawling around on the floor, I began to wonder if I could get an ortho physician to recommend rehab for me - I wouldn't have to cook or clean and could get a lot of rest!
thank you so much for your words. I didn’t expect it would be this quick… I wonder why I feel like I am abandoning her since I know I am no longer able to provide the cares she needs. She is a great mum, stubborn and sometimes hard but I love her dearly and have spent nearly all my life with her
I don't think that this is a matter of being "stronger". If your mom has been evaluated as being in need of nursing home care, it means SHE'S not strong enough to look after herself. you have to work to support your family.
Mom needs 24/7 care and you don't have 24/7 available. It math, not strength.
((((Hugs)))))).
I know this is the best choice for both of us
but it is so hard . I wish I was stringer and able to take care of her at home
My mum gave some funny answer : when she was asked her date of birth and adress she got them right. When she was asked how old she is, she said very, very old. The nurse insisted for the precise answer and she said 39 instead of 89! The nurse, a very kind young man, just said : well, actually, a little bit older than that...
Then she was asked which day, month and year we were, she got the month but said we are in 2029 !
She was asked some other questions, some maths like 20-3, then 17-3 etc. She only got the 20-3 and then asked me to answer in her behalf...
I spent the whole morning on the phone to sort this out. Including 2 more home visits for my mum. When I was on the phone with the hospital she wanted to go to the toilet. Sigh... I am all alone this week.
Then in the afternoon my uncle called. He too needed help with fixing appointments.... And I am the clever niece.
Well, I wish I was dumb... Or at least able to pretend I am, or like a colleague just being unpleasant to be left alone!
I'm not sure that I would mention the future plans for a facility for mom before it's just about to become a reality. She may start to obsess, become anxious and carry on.
Wait until it's about to become a reality and then have the conversation with her.
Give it some consideration
I met yesterday our social worker, my mum will be put in a waiting list for 3 facilities but she must be evaluated first.
It is a difficult decision but I can't go on like this for too long... I am putting my own health in danger... I am so afraid of having an accident falling asleep while driving and I don't want my son to be an orphan...
I will have to tell her... That will be difficult. I do not know when she will actually be taken in a facility.