Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.

My doctor made a comment to me the last visit that made me feel bad. She said that I took better care of my mom than I did myself. Then she said I would be sorry because my health would suffer.

Maybe I do have my priorities all screwed up.

This is stupid, but grandma died at 85, daddy died at 85 too and I never dreamed of mom living this long. Of course I didn’t wish her dead but I never imagined she would live this long. Nor did she. She asked me one day, “Why is God keeping me on this earth so long instead of joining your father?” I didn’t know what to say to her.

She can’t be left alone. I have help from Council on Aging every other Friday for four hours. I get out then. Groceries, drugstore, my lab work, etc.

I wish I could volunteer again. I really do. Or work again. Anything!

They say I have a good chance for aid and assistance so I will use that money for AL if enough. If not, a few more hours of help at home.

I get stir crazy. Awhile back, I was signed up for more jewelry lessons. It was so much fun. I guess we had about 30 of us in class. We made several pieces. I was doing advanced classes so some of the new projects were tedious but I enjoyed it so much. Some of us even went out for lunch afterwards.

I only knew one lady, my friend that invited me but she introduced me to several other women and it was nice being with women my age for a change. No talk about poop or pull ups, peeing, etc. Mom asked me not to go to classes in case she needed me. I should have told her I was going to remain in class. They were Saturday mornings. My husband encouraged me to go.

"I want her out of my house. I wish she had never moved in. It added an enormous amount of stress in our lives."

You are being used and abused by your family of origin. Only you can change that. Does why really matter?

To me what matters more is that you know you are being seriously negatively affected by having her in your home and yet you choose to keep her there to your own great detriment.

I agree that fear, obligation and guilt from childhood on are a large part of this and probably also wanting to get your mother's approval and positive attention that you never got as a child. Some of us were emotionally and abused as children and that includes neglect. We feel if we try harder we will finally get what we need from our mother's and yet reality again and again proves to us that our efforts are futile.

Peace and health come from accepting them as they are, detaching from them, and giving ourselves the care we didn't get as children.

I visited my mother who lived in facilities after she could not live alone only a few times a year - it was all I could do and even then my PTSD kicked in. She blames you for everything - yes. That is her sickness, not reality. It is a reflection of her not of you.

I think you need to do more than vent - you need to make some serious changes.

Why can't she be left alone? Has that been determined by a "needs assessment" from the AAA or her doctor?

My dear, one person CANNOT do 24/7 supervision for an elder who no longer has the cognitive skills to understand what they can and cannot do safely.

Mom will fall; you get her to the ER and tell them that she is no longer safe at home.

Needhelp, my heart goes out to you.

now, from one mother to another, please think about this:

you are running yourself into the ground taking care of your mother. Your own health has taken a huge hit.

Think about your children and everything you miss out on because you are taking care of your mom.

think about all the things you will miss if you die before your mom. Sorry to be blunt but from what you have said in the past, it appears that’s the road you are headed on. You very well could be part of the 49% of caregivers who die first.

think about your daughters. They need their mom. I understand, it’s hard to put your mom on the back burner, to put your needs before hers. That is why I am urging to think about your daughters. Put them before your mom. Think about all the things you would miss out on—gaduation, weddings. What if one of them makes you a grandma? Don’t you want to see your grandchildren and be a big part of their lives?

What about your husband? Your youngest is about to finish college so I am assuming you and your husband are about ready to retire if you haven’t already. You deserve to enjoy these golden years together. Your mom had her golden years right? While she was healthy and able-bodied, no kids in the house, no elderly parents to take care of 24/7. You deserve the same. You are entitled to your own life.

please, something has to give here. It is beyond time to place your mom in a facility. It is ok to say “you know what mom, there are professionals that can take better care of you than I can”. It’s ok. It really is. You have a heart of gold and you have gone above and beyond for your mom, for too long IMHO. It’s ok to throw in the towel and place her somewhere where she has a village to take care of her.

I have medical power of attorney because mom is a fall risk due to Parkinson’s disease. Her doctor told me to become medical power of attorney in case she was knocked unconscious and I needed to speak for her.

The social worker at rehab was supposed to show me POLST paperwork. I’m not sure what that is. She said it was better than what I had. I have DNR and no feeding tubes. She says to be more specific. I thought I covered it all. It gets confusing to me.

But we didn’t get around to that paperwork because the PT woman joined our discussion on mom’s progress and we ran out of time.

I know. I am scared. Please help me think straight. I couldn’t cry, so empty I guess to all of a sudden crying my eyes out. I feel like a rotten daughter because of the things she said to my brothers and to me. It infuriates me that she involved them.

Maybe one day I will be a grandma. That would be nice. My friends who are grandparents look so happy. They have adorable grandkids.

She no longer has that life alert button. It wasn’t working right so I returned it. She freaks out if she’s by herself. It’s horrible when my husband is out of town for work. Then I really go stir crazy. I know I cannot do this all the time anymore.

That could be. My therapist told me that I still felt like the ‘forgotten’ child.

I tried to explain how I felt to mom about my childhood. She called me a liar. She said everyone was treated the same. I walked off. She will never own it. It doesn’t matter anymore.

I even told her that I understood that she had to give my brother more attention because of his drug situation. She got upset with me for bringing it up so I just shut up and walked off. I had to or I would have lost it. I learned a very long time ago that it was easier to bury my emotions with her. So, I am not sure why I bought it up. I guess I was hoping that we could talk honestly and she would see my side like daddy did before he died.

My dad became a very humble man. He apologized on his own. He even told me that he was sorry that he never told me that he was proud of me. I was kind of shocked because I waited my whole life and never heard it, but a few weeks before he died he told me many beautiful things that I never dreamed he felt.

You are not a rotten daughter and the only reason you feel that way is due to the fear, obligation and guilt planted in you years ago in order to keep you subservient to your narcissistic mother. It is time to detach from what your mother and brother think and say, and do what is good for you.

Have your mother's needs for care assessed so you know if she needs an NH or AL or whatever, Then apply for medicaid and find a medicaid approved facility. It does not have to be very close to you as it will not be good for you to visit often. Mother lived 5 hrs drive away from me, Her needs were met. So were mine to at least a reasonable extent. She and my sister didn't like all the decisions I made and I got bad mouthed too. That was the story of my life. I did not let it define me. I had to detach from it all.

I posted this before. It might be helpful.

Not My Job
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

My Job
love people (including yourself)
be authentic
take the next step
speak my truth
breathe

Also “A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.”
― Shahida Arabi, Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

Acting out of fear or obligation or guilt is not loving to yourself or to others. Start to love yourself.

I do forget to breathe. Then I gasp for air. That was embarrassing to hear from my therapist. How do we forget to simply breathe?

I guess it is both fear and obligation. I promised daddy that I would care for mom. But you know what? She didn’t spend as many hours with daddy as I have with her. Because she didn’t drive. I did and I bought her home from the hospital. I wanted her to rest every night. He was in rehab after his heart surgery and she didn’t spend the night in the nursing home.

Do you know what she said to me at her last ER trip? “Honey, it’s late, don’t drive home. Just spend the night here.”

Let me tell you the nurse was phenomenal and caught the look of exhaustion on my face and came to my rescue. She told mom that I needed to go home and rest and that she had a nurse and aide to look after her.

I could have hugged that nurse! She was terrific! The nurse told me to go eat dinner and sleep. I wasn’t hungry but I slept like a rock!

Yes, good post. Thank you.

First you need a break and if that means walking out of the house and going to a park then meeting your husband for dinner out, do it! Either leave mom alone, call your brothers and tell them she will be alone because you need out right now or call someone else you need at least a short break just to collect yourself and start to think about what to do next.

Beyond that your mom has opened the door and you need the support, it's time to share the details of mom's day to day and health issues with your brothers. She is sharing so should you and they need to step up and help in whatever ways they can even if it's just to let you vent. Maybe that's what they think they are doing for mom and think it's helping you but since you guys don't talk about it and share your thought's/intentions they don't realize just how it's coming across to you. I know my brother and I "blame" little things on each other to diffuse my mom sometimes, for instance my brother will say I forgot to tell him about an appointment and that's why she was only told 2 hrs before they need to leave or my mom is complaining about reminders set up on the Echo and he says I'm the only one that knows how to change that or she complains to me about the lights going on and off and I say he is the one who knows how to change that...but we let each other know when have done that or even warn each other ahead of time. It's our little game sometimes but it helps, we take the weight off of each other. Your brothers could be doing some of this for you taking on some of mom's wrath, giving you breaks by coming over to visit with her while you get out of the house or go on vacation. They could back you up and say to mom they feel you need a break and help should come in or if it's better that they feel it's time for a different living situation.

When setting boundaries maybe instead of laying down the law with her or getting into an argument you wont win and will just come away feeling more frustrated from you should just draw your line with action and your own thoughts. I'm not sure what the areas are but for instance if she demands you feed her something different than what you made for dinner simply tell her there are leftovers or sandwich makings, help yourself and when she huffs and puffs that you wont feed her simply exchange a knowing look with your husband, smile to yourself and go into the next room to laugh if you have to but find the humor in her ridiculousness. Find the satisfaction in not letting her manipulate you or make you jump through hoops but no need to explain what your doing and why to her just make your own determination as to whether or not her request is reasonable, an actual need and something you feel like doing and go from there. She may even learn it's pointless to demand things or ask for certain things and find a way to treat you better in which case you may find you are happier to do more for her but all you actually need to do is provide her with the basic needs, her choice as to whether or not she takes them and keep her safe to the best of your ability. You can't remold her and you can't keep expecting things from her, it sounds like she is unable to be the person you want her to be and I;m not sure if that has always been the case or it's a new symptom of her disease (or both) but only you can stop it from having such an effect on your life by taking away the power of her words and actions.

It sure sounds like time to consider other living arrangements for mom too and I encourage you to included brothers on this as well as Mom if she will participate and doctors, anyone else you need to, don't hide your research from your brothers but do start doing it and come up with her options. Then give her the option to be part of the choice but if she wont that;s her choice, same foes for your brothers but you keep moving forward with what you feel is best then if she wont participate. You can't care for your mom if you aren't taking care of yourse

You do not want to care for mom either. You are not doing well around this particular sick person. Your mother needs care, and not from you. Sure she needs a home, but not yours. You have heart issues too. It's time for the brothers to do some spade work.

My suggestion would be to get in your car and drive. Tell your own family what you are doing. Let your husband and children front the brothers, say Mom can't do it any more, she's just walked out, we're worried about her, what are you going to organise?

Stay somewhere nice and out of touch. Let the others sort this out, you can't manage to do it because of your character doesn't let you stand up for yourself. I can't remember if you are religious, but even if you are not, a full on Retreat would be a seriously good idea. Just get out of this mess and let the others manage the situation.

Dear one - you cant successfully explain to your mother any of this. It's like explaining to a rabid dog that his bite is dangerous to you. She is a toxic person and probably has no idea if the effect she is having on you and can't understand it - otherwise she would not behave as she always has. I doubt she will never own it. Mine never did but that does not mean you do not matter. It is not likely you will ever get from your mother what you got from your father. I am so gad you did get that validation from him

I saw you write somewhere that you didn't know what to feel. Your feelings are your feelings and they need to be felt - not always acted on but always acknowledged and they are valuable to you. Pushing down feelings makes us sick.

re promising your dad - Caring for your mum does not mean 24/7 care by you. I cared for my mother very well by getting her the professional care she needed and intervening when I needed to.

You’re right. She’s fine with anything I fix or will eat a sandwich. It’s the picky stuff. I don’t understand how a 93 year old can be so vain! Several years ago she wore makeup for her cataract surgery. Her doctor made her wash her face. They look at me like why did I let her leave the house with makeup on. I simply said otherwise we would have been late getting to the appointment because she refused to wash her face.

She wants her fancy underwear or her favorite blouse washed and ready to wear at all times!

worriedinCali thank you for posting this to NeedsHelp....like you, i have read all her posts and she is beyond burned out. I totally agree with EVERYTHING you said. I sure hope she can place her mom where she will be cared for and she can get her life back. Its just too much !! We all face obstacles each day trying our best to care for our parents and as so many have posted here, sometimes we have to place them where they are taken care of and not be hands on.....for our own health and sanity.....again, thank you!

I understand....my mom also has terrible anxiety and I have been speaking with her about just how bad its gotten She got all pissy with me. Again.....her dr has prescribed meds for anxiety and/or depression in the past She will take one, yes one pill....well that doesnt work im not taking that mess, no matter that i and her dr have told her repeatedly that you have to give it a month or so. Im about to pull out my hair. And she hasnt been diagnosed with dementia, the reason i joined this forum is to learn all i could about it because her last remaining sibling passed away earlier this year from dementia.....boy have my eyes been opened about a lot of conditions not just dementia!!!! But npd etc....
please hang in there and take care of yourself and do what’s necessary to get your life back......please.....Liz

Hi, I know exactly how you feel.Im beyond burned out ,tired and feel like a robot day in day out.I want my old life back.I so tired and drained.☹️

I really am sick of it. I feel bad about admitting it but I am. Plus I don’t want to talk about it with my brothers. They were never super close to me so I am not comfortable discussing any of this now. Let mom talk to them if she wants.

I did holiday dinners for decades. They never once reciprocated or showed gratitude. I ended it. Mom got furious. She said I was the female and it was my job to cook for them! I said no. She still badmouths me for it. Guess what? Never going back to holiday cooking.

I told her that I was never going to host a giant holiday meal again. I would cook and clean for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, BBQ on Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day. I don’t do any of that anymore! Why? For her? No! I started feeling so used, not to mention exhausted. Meanwhile, they sit at my table and talk about the cruise they recently took! Are you kidding me? Mom saying how wonderful for them to enjoy their trip.

You know what? I have done way more than my share! I will find a way out of this funk and anxiety. The next caregiver group is coming up soon. I will make sure I am there. The last meeting was support for a lovely woman whose husband just went into a NH and another woman whose husband was just diagnosed with ALZ. They are a nice group of women. I enjoy hearing them. They are older than me. I learn a lot. I like it. I wish they had people closer to my age too. But oh well...

I am sorry that I am a broken record or that I think I can handle it, then I cycle back into getting upset.

I do thank all of you. I appreciate it. I am a bit embarrassed about not being able to pull it together. I will keep trying. I do think fear or extreme anxiety has a terrible grip on me. I had one doctor give me meds before and another doctor take them away.

I feel like I could use anxiety meds at times. I wasn’t on it a long time before and not everyday but my primary doctor told me I had to get off of them because he felt I didn’t need it and he did not want me to become addicted.

I am tired. Really tired. I’m going to bed.

I am so sorry you are having this problem. Totally unacceptable. Golden explained it all so well. Being used, tormented, etc by mom and brothers is the worst. I went thru several years of stuff with my mom and one brother and his wife/children.
Talking to my brother and mom was a waste of time. I finally moved from Ohio back to Maine to escape. I was fortunate to be able to do that. Not everyone can. You’re not alone in this. Come back here anytime to vent, ask questions. Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Thanks. Please don’t wait as long as I have to get out. I am so lost at the moment but I will figure it out. Need to finish paperwork for veterans benefits. Then I will make final decisions.

Golden has said it all!

I hope you get some sleep. First, if you need an anti anxiety med, you need one.

A primary care doctor is not be the best one to manage such a med like a psychiatrist can. Did he know what was going on in your life? How did he reach the conclusion that you didn't need it? If you were not anxious that day, then it was because the medicine was working and not because you didn't need it. That doctor was trying to be your therapist and psychiatrist which in my opinion he flunked at both.

I'm glad that you feel free to vent here, but what you are walking through needs a one on one therapist to help you through it step by step.

"Boundary setting doesn’t work" without concrete consequences for when they are broken. 

Shoot, I had to do this with my mentally ill wife for my sake and the sake of the children.

Well that was an emergency, but now it is time to move on and find a better solution.  I noticed you said that you had promised your father you would take care of your mom.  Now, do you understand that this does not mean hands-on care from you? You can delegate, she can go into AL and you will be keeping your promise to your father.  It is morally wrong to insist on fulfilling a "promise" when it has become destructive and evil.

You asked, "Is wanting someone to feel guilty all the time normal?"

I know you didn't ask me, but the answer is no!

If the reason she can't be left alone is that she freaks out (not that she does dangerous things) I would go back to volunteering.

It sounds like you could benefit from seeing a psychiatrist who can evaluate your need for an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety. Does your therapist work with such a doc?

What does your therapist say about your deteriorating mental and physical health? I certainly hope that he/she is helping you with strategies to figure out how to get your mother out of your house. Going over your feelings about childhood is nice, but not what you need right now. Time enough for all of that AFTER your mother is living somewhere else.

Question -- what do you think the chances are of you actually getting your mother out of your house in the next few months? You can do it, but do you have the will to do it? That's what I am wondering.

Need, read up on narcissistic personality disorder. You will never be good enough. You desperately try and have given so much. A friend of mine likened trying to satisfy a narc as filling up the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon in a tornado. You promised her care. There comes a time when you cannot provide it alone. But don’t be surprised if the offer of moving her triggers either epic meltdown or charm. The folks at my MILs facility thinks she’s so sweet. When she met me she told me I seemed nice but she hoped her son got back together with his soon to be ex-wife because SHE never divorced my husband’s father. And then wondered years later why her boy and his wife(me), weren’t providing help when they moved to our state 65 miles away. She has Parkinson’s too. Narcs will eat you up and spit out your bones. They know how to push our buttons because they installed them. My husband is the one trying to be perfect but had me do the heavy lifting for years. But I never let her move in and I told him I was not a personal care giver. Listen to your doctor. Parenting is pay it forward. Ours cared for us and we cared for our children. You have done your best. Time to let the pros help.

I woke up an hour ago. I served mom breakfast and coffee as usual. I am not eating. Too upset to think about food for myself. I had coffee.

Had a nightmare last night. It was strange but I just want to forget about it. It didn’t make sense to me, just like my life is in chaos right now. I did sleep because she slept last night so I feel rested.

I told mom that I was going to soak in the tub which I am doing after I finish my second cup of coffee.

I have decided not to speak to her today. I will feed her but I can’t communicate with her today. I can’t face the nonsense again. I don’t want to hear about a hairbrush, nail file, photos, underwear or anything else that she is obsessing over. I don’t know what brought all of this on. I think over the years I kept wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt and that if I satisfied her she would be agreeable with me.

I am not sure if this is wrong but home health is sending the nurse out today. She is wrapping things up.

She is done with PT and OT. Only a couple of nurse visits left but I am not going to stay with her for nurse visit today at 11:00. She will have to wear her hearing aid. I am going for a walk when the nurse comes. I deserve to see the outdoors sometimes.

The last nurse visit she lied and got mad at me for correcting her, so let her lie. A part of me is afraid APS will be called with the way she is acting.

Yesterday she accused me of moving a statue of Mary off of her nightstand. I did not touch it. Watch her tell the nurse that I am meddling with the blessed mother! Who cares? Let her say whatever she wants. Is she that bored that she thinks she needs to make sure I don’t move Mary? Next she will say I took her rosary.

I am thinking of making an appointment to speak to my parish priest. He isn’t just an ordinary priest. He grew up in NY, got his philosophy degree like they all do. Then his theology degree, as usual. They go to school for eight years. Then a psychology degree from Columbia. He purposely chose a college not connected to the seminary for psychology to have a broader education.

I respect him a lot. He moved to Chicago. He was chaplain for a hospital there. Then he moved to New Orleans.

He has even done ‘end of life’ seminars for parishioners. He encourages hospice when needed. He’s too cute. He says nurses are a patient’s best friend and doctors can be cocky. He makes me laugh. He isn’t a fire and brimstone kind of guy.

He is knowledgeable about people who are dying. He even wears his doctor’s coat when he holds seminars. He has a terrific sense of humor.

He isn’t a far right conservative. He is understanding of pain and suffering and sees both sides. He has compassion for caregivers.

His homilies are smart, funny and compassionate. He used to be an Eastern Catholic priest before Roman Catholic so he is more open minded. He has family in NY and Ukraine. Some women in the rosary group at church don’t like him but I love him. They feel he is too liberal. I don’t.

Maybe he could give me some advice on how to deal with my situation. I need to figure this out soon. I am not happy. I am tired of anxiety and depression. I’m concerned about my mental health. I truly felt extremely vulnerable yesterday. I wasn’t in control. I’m embarrassed about carrying on like I did. I was almost hysterical. I can’t continue being afraid, confused, guilt ridden, angry, disappointed, depressed, etc.

Thanks to everyone for listening and later on I will read any responses that were posted after I went to bed. I was exhausted and had to sleep.