My mother is in a nursing home - it is a quality facility with wonderful care. My mother in law suffering from Alzheimers lived with us until she passed away in September. I was her full time caretaker as well as meeting the needs of my mother in nursing home 90 miles away. I suffer from chronic migraines - pain every single day and unable to work. And my husband has been out of work for almost a year. We have a teenager, one 20 and the oldest is 23 and living at home after graduating college.
My mother has diagnosed mental health problems, dillusional disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. On top of heart condition, cannot walk without help and has lung problems as well. Both my mother and mother in law have been difficult people forever. Constant complaining that is difficult to describe.
When my mother in law was here the stress was extreme due to alzheimers as well as incontinence. The alzheimers was progressing, but she could function with help. I won't go on about that end other than to say, her living here was starting to tear our family apart due to the stress. Both my husband and I developed high blood pressure and other stress induced health issues.
My mother has been in and out of rehabs for a bout 10 years. My father waited on her hand and foot and he had his own health issues. She would never take medication given by psychiatrist and basically ruined his life. She was verbally abusive to him; but he would not let me get involved. Felt sorry for him as he was the sweetest man I have ever known. Mother was falling constantly, not doing what she was supposed to do to prevent falls, blah, blah blah. It got to the point where they would not release her from rehab as she required 24 hr. care.
Icould not provide this care and she has alienated the rest of the family. So, I am the only one; except for my sister 3,000 miles away. She is constantly complaining and could care less that I live with chronic pain. The drive is almost 2 hours away - could not move her closer as she is difficult and was told that another facility might not take her due to her history of verbal abuse, etc. I have to mentally prepare myself to even call her and visiting is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - never know what the mood will be. If I had my health, it would be different and easier to deal with. My children don't even want to visit her due to her narcisstic behavior. She turns on the charm at the nursing home and lies about me to the staff and residents.
I had always been a devoted daughter; it is sad how this has turned out, but my mother is alone other than me because she turned away her other grandchildren and daughter in law due to her nasty behavior. There are no answers, but comforting to know that this board is here. Only told my best friend all this, never anyone else. I pray for guidance from God - that is what keeps my sanity.
to keep my distance after episodes of verbal abuse. This has helped. Nothing eases her negativity; it is a lifetime of behavior and is not healthy to be around too frequently. My love is unconditional and have always been there for her.
But I think it is safe to bet that you cannot make her happy. If you call her 3 times a day she will complain. If you call her once a week she will complain. If you visit her daily she will try to send you on a guilt trip. If you go twice a month your guilt-trip tickets will be waiting.
So you can't base your decisions on what will do your mother the most good. You need to decide what seems reasonable to you, what allows you to be there for your husband, to be supportive of your children, to take care of yourself, and also do reasonable daughterly visits.