6 yrs taking care of my mother (last 3yrs in ALF). After a big stroke, she chose palliative care (AKA 'comfort care')... But it was awful convulsing & gurgling for 6 days. To tell u the truth, I felt bullied by the Neuro, cuz he told me 'mother had chosen' no feed, & no fluids...just palliative care. (That's pain meds only, till you starve, dehydrate, or overdose). Modern medicine forces bp pills & stuff on us to keep us alive, then snuff us out when it gets too expensive. I'm very glad I didn't have to choose for her, cuz I wouldn't have let them kill her that way...but the papers were signed by her, & she pretty much hated me for sending her to ALF 3 yrs earlier. It was a shock to just kill her tho. She never spoke a word to me in the hosp, (I mean before they took her I.Vs out & she was still aware & conscious). Ignored me completely & never looked at me once to say goodbye. The Dr had told her she wouldn't recover from the stroke, (be paralyzed)... I believed she cud fight thru. Didn't have the guts to override her choice. I feel most badly that she never turned her head to me &said 'thank you for all u did', or 'I love you', or 'it's ok honey', or 'this is what I want'...(never held my hand, or smiled at me) so I cud have SOMETHING, some kind of decent memory. I don't have guilt though. Don't be bullied by Drs if they try to rush you into this type 'care'.
The point I'm trying to make by telling this is I don't think it's natural to watch someone die. I think it's a perfect equation to make a person who is already in a very emotional state consider all sorts of strange things. Little hurts turn into big issues.
I think it was day five or six when I was carrying on my vigil by my mom's bed that a doctor wandered in. He saw that I was holding my mom's hand and he said "you know she doesn't know you are here anymore" I said I know, I'm just doing this for me now. He put his hand gently on my shoulder and left.
Tiger, any slights you may have felt from your mom at that point were escalated by the emotion of the situation. I truly feel that. A situation like that is bound to cause misunderstandings of a look, a feeling that you are being ignored etc. etc.
Add to that the anger with an Asswipe doctor, you are bound to be left feeling alone with mixed emotions that take forever to resolve.
Trust me, I understand.
You are never mincemeat! Besides, mincemeat tarts are great! My mom used to make great ones. And no I'm not calling you a tart.
Ah, think I'll just shut up now before I totally insert my foot into my mouth.
You're adorable friend.
I am so glad that you respected your mom’s wishes and didn’t try to override them. You are a good daughter to honor her last wishes.
I know someone who had medical power of attorney and did override her father’s wishes. It wasn’t the best option for her dad. You know how much longer he lived? Only two hours. Unfortunately, two hours of agony for him.
She instantly regretted having put him through additional suffering needlessly, both physically and emotionally. Of course, she didn’t want any additional suffering. She wished she had allowed her father to die with dignity.
He was ready to go. He did not want his life prolonged to be around for a short while longer.
I know that you would not have wanted any more suffering than she was experiencing already. You can be at peace knowing that she died as she wished.
I read through the responses and found them heartfelt and informative.
First of all grief is terrible and while I have already offered condolences I will tell you again that I am so sorry. Grief can hit us like large waves in the ocean. Then the waters calm for a bit and before you know it another wave comes.
My brother had hospice. Overall the care was very good. Does the care vary from place to place? Yes, it can. I’m sorry that you weren’t pleased with your mom’s care.
I was with my brother up until the second before he died. It’s difficult. There are mixed emotions. He was unconscious by that time. A part of me just wanted it to be over. Another part is selfish and we want more time for them to live. Then I realized, he wasn’t living but merely existing.
I asked the nurse if I should speak to him. She said, “Yes, I believe he can hear even if unconscious.” I was puzzled and asked her why she believed that. She said that she saw people come out of a coma and recall conversations. So, I did talk to him. I told him that I forgave him. We had our issues. I knew he forgave me for my offenses to him. I told him I loved him. I knew he loved me even though we were very different.
Your mom knew you cared. Don’t ever doubt that. She cared too. Sometimes people can’t express their feelings for various reasons.
It’s sad. It was her time. It’s hard watching people die. The hospice nurse told me that my brother was in a different realm and I believe her. As a nurse she knows a lot more about death than I do. So, I am taking her at her word.
If I am in hospice before my death I will ask for no prolonging of life, no feeding tubes, resuscitations, and drugs to keep me comfortable. My kids know this and they have agreed to respect my wishes like you did with your mom.
Be at peace.