6 yrs taking care of my mother (last 3yrs in ALF). After a big stroke, she chose palliative care (AKA 'comfort care')... But it was awful convulsing & gurgling for 6 days. To tell u the truth, I felt bullied by the Neuro, cuz he told me 'mother had chosen' no feed, & no fluids...just palliative care. (That's pain meds only, till you starve, dehydrate, or overdose). Modern medicine forces bp pills & stuff on us to keep us alive, then snuff us out when it gets too expensive. I'm very glad I didn't have to choose for her, cuz I wouldn't have let them kill her that way...but the papers were signed by her, & she pretty much hated me for sending her to ALF 3 yrs earlier. It was a shock to just kill her tho. She never spoke a word to me in the hosp, (I mean before they took her I.Vs out & she was still aware & conscious). Ignored me completely & never looked at me once to say goodbye. The Dr had told her she wouldn't recover from the stroke, (be paralyzed)... I believed she cud fight thru. Didn't have the guts to override her choice. I feel most badly that she never turned her head to me &said 'thank you for all u did', or 'I love you', or 'it's ok honey', or 'this is what I want'...(never held my hand, or smiled at me) so I cud have SOMETHING, some kind of decent memory. I don't have guilt though. Don't be bullied by Drs if they try to rush you into this type 'care'.
my mother was pronounced ' done for ' when hospice nurse simply took a listen to her digestive system and detected no activity . her organs were shutting down .
even if too often hospice entails a bunch of obnoxious split tails -- its still a very scientific process .
no one should have to experience ' terminal agitation ' because a family member has watched all those doctor shows and think they know something .
would you give water and nutrition to your withering green bean plants at seasons end ?
it aint going to change the outcome .
Many folks, when they are actively dying, are not really "of this world". When my mom went on hospice, she seemed to withdraw. My SIL, concerned that mom was not responding to us, asked her nurse what was going on. "She's travelling", the nurse said softly.
Hollywood shows us deathbeds that are sanitized and choreographed. Real death is not like that.
Yes, it's hard to hear the gurgling. I'm sorry that your mom had a difficult death. But no one killed her. Please be comforted by your good memories. ((((Hugs))))).