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I'm an only child caring for an elderly mother with moderate dementia. It's a very tough road to go alone and I have many times had friends ask what they can do to help. I have never felt comfortable accepting their offers of help; it always just seemed like too much to ask of non-family. Recently, a good friend pressed me several times on the issue and mentioned her work schedule was changing and that she would be free in the afternoons and what could she do to help, etc. I have been struggling with the need to have someone meet my mom when she gets transported home from day care 2 days a week, just to get her in the house and settled, and thought I had found my solution. The time commitment would literally be 20 minutes twice a week. When I proposed it to my friend, and even said I would compensate her for her time and adjust my mom's schedule to fit hers, she hesitated and said she would "think about it." Knowing her, I can tell the issue won't come up again. It took a lot for me to ask for this help (which she knows) and I'm frustrated and hurt that this was her reaction. I would rather that she had never made an offer at all as it now seems so hollow. Has anyone else had this type of experience with non-family members offering help and then backing outt? I realize that there is no obligation here, but what she did seems very callous and I'm having a hard time moving beyond it. Am I overreacting?

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I would feel hurt also, but I think when people offer to help, they probably are not thinking of a commitment that is regular and ongoing. Even though the time is not long, it would require her to work her activities around it, without an end in sight.
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I have had this happen to me a number of times. The old adage; "The Road to hell is paved with good intentions' is applicable here; figuratively speaking not literally.
Mt son who is a Psychologist said that people often back out after the "sleep on it."
Someone may have told them if something goes wrong they may be held liable or perhaps knowing your hesitancy to allow anyone to care for your mother in the past prompted them to "offer" to help figuring you would turn them down but you didn't and they really were hoping that you would. If they are good friends what harm would it do to simply ask why they changed their minds? You can do this tactfully and assure them you have their trust and can be assured that should something go wrong you would never hold them accountable and you would be more than happy to put this in writing. Maybe you hurt their feelings by offering to compensate them for their good will. Most likely someone outside of your circle frightened them or said something like : Once you help her she will be expecting it more often. I have learned that openness is the best way. Or bring it up again and say: I know, don't cal you, you, you'll call me or better still jump right out there and say Okay, you told me you can help; what would be a good time for you? Act as though you you never thought in a million years they would back out or you would have made other arrangements and remind them it was their idea and had you known they didn't mean it you would not have the problem now of finding help on short notice. Good luck and God Bless.
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I don't think you are overreacting at all. As you said, it took a lot for you to accept the offered help and now that you have, all you hear is crickets. Why do people do that? It is so hurtful. Just do not say anything until you think long and hard about the potential commitment. I feel badly for you. I hope you find the help you need soon. Hugs
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I had missed all of my grandson's soccer games and baseball games for two years already and my "friends and family" who all said "If you need help, just call. Anytime we can do anything, just call", were all busy doing something else when I called. I just stopped calling. I asked the woman who was being PAID to help me if she would change her hours one time to come late and work late so I could get to one baseball game last year. She did, but body language let me know that I'd better not ask her to sacrifice like that again. I GAVE UP. Sometimes, for some of us, there is just no way out. We just don't know enough of the good people. I don't doubt, though, that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was asked of us, we would jump at the chance to help someone else.
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yes, there are so many ingenuines, perhaps time to find a new friend. Someone comes to my door, asks, I do....simple. Explore new places where social minded people are, it needn't be a Christian group....I am in Spain but I would give you my time gladly! We should all try and help those who need it, all good karma.
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You write: "...I have many times had friends ask what they can do to help. I have never felt comfortable accepting their offers of help; it always just seemed like too much to ask of non-family. "

I am one of those non-family members that often offers to help friends and I often get rebuffed by those unwilling to receive support...Then (sometimes) they will get exhausted, burned out, and resentful because "there is no one who will help." THAT is very hurtful to me, as I know that I am willing, available, sincerely concerned for both the caregiving friend and the care receiver (even if I am not "family" of the care receiver) and TRUSTWORTHY. It seems that sometimes a caregiver is unwilling to receive support and assistance because they don't trust others to do a good job, they refuse to surrender "control," and/or they are determined to be the long-suffering martyr in the situation. To those I quote Dolly Parton (one of my favorite people), who said, "Come on down from that cross, Honey, we can use the firewood." (I am a "former family martyr" myself. I resigned from that position.) I encourage family caregivers to make a list of small, medium, and large tasks that you would trust someone else to do for you. Make the list VERY SPECIFIC and include tasks that involve direct care of your mom AND other tasks on your list of "things to do" that may not involve direct care of your mom but would relieve you of that specific thing at least once. Don't hesitate to put even the most mundane tasks on the list (grocery shopping, cooking, light housecleaning, errands, etc). Make copies of the list. When someone offers to help, hand them the list and say, "Thank you for your kindness and concern. If you would be willing to do ANY of these things even once, it would be a great help." THEN you will know who is really willing to help and who is just being polite. If you will allow them to help you, they will feel good about it and someday you can pass that kindness forward to others. Blessings to you and to your mother and to all your friends who are truly willing to help.
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MY DEAR:

MY HEARTFELT GRATITUDE TO YOU FOR ALL YOU DO. I AM AN ONLY CHILD AS WELL AND HAVE GROWN UP INDEPENDENTLY. IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, PEOPLE ARE JUST SELFISH AND INCONSIDERATE.
EVEN FAMILY AND FRIENDS. SO TRY NOT TO TAKE IT PESONAL. IT IS JUST A SIGN OF THE TIMES IN WHICH WE LIVE.

THEY RATHER BE JUDGEMENTAL AND OPINIONATED THAN HELP.
I HAVE BEEN CARING FOR MY MOTHER SINCE '08. I INHERITED MY DAD ON '09 AFTER BEING ESTRANGED FOR 36 YEARS. MY PARENTS DIVORCED WHEN IU WAS 18. FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS OF HIS LIFE, HE WAS IN ANOTHER STATE, AND I TOOK CARE OF HIM AS BEST I COULD UNTIL HIS PASSING AFTER CHOKING ON HIS SUPPER WHILE IN REHAB.ONE DAY AFTER XMAS '11. AS A LONE CAREGIVER I OFTEN HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME FINDING RESPITE. ON TWO OCCASIONS I RELINQUISHED RESPONSIBILITES AND TOOK RESPITE CAUSE I FELT IF I DID NTO I WOULD NOT BE HERE MYSELF. THIS WAS DISATEROUS I PAID A HEAVY PRICE AND HAD MORE TO DEAL WITH WHEN I RETURNED THAN IF I NEVER LEFT.. YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT SOMEONE WILL DO UNTIL THEY DO IT. I REPEAT, YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT SOMEONE WILL DO UNTIL THEY DO IT. UNFORTUNATELY, AND OFTEN AT OUR EXPENSE, YOU FIND OUT IN THESE SITUATIONS. YOU CAN CONTRACT PEOPLE, PAY PEOPLE AND THEY WILL NOT DO THE JOB LIKE YOU. YOU HAVE TO FIND A CAREGIVER OR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DELAING WITH AND GOING THROUGH TO OFFER YOU THE SUPPORT YOU NEED. AS HARD AS IT MAY BE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL. HUMAN NATURE IS COMPLEX OF ITSELF AND WE LIVE IN TIMES WHERE (some) PEOPLE JUST DON'T CARE. THEY FORGET THAT THEY TOO WILL BE OLD ONE DAY. THEY FORGET THAT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT THEY COUDL NOT HAVE WHAT THEY TAKE FOR GRANTED. I WISH I COULD BE THERE TO HELP YOU CAUSE I WOULD. I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE. I AM HERE TO LET MY MOTHER IN EVERY DAY AND SHE TOLD THE DAY PROGRAM NO ONE IS HERE TO LET HER IN. WHEN YOU CAN PICK AND CHOSE YOUR BATTLES AT THE END OF THE DAY IT IS WHAT GIVES THEM THE MOST QUALITY OF LIFE IN THEIR LAST DAYS. I KNOW IT IS DIFFICULT. TRY FINDING A COLLEGE STUDENT OR RESPONSIBLE TEEN IF THE HOURS ARE SUCH THEY CAN DO IT AFTER SCHOOL. AND, WITH THE CLIMATE OF OUTR SOCIETY TODAY THAT IS DIFFICULT AS YOU CAN NOT TRUST ANY AND EVERYONE.
I WILL PRAY FOR YOU THAT GOD WILL SEND YOU AN ANGEL TO ASSIT YOU.RIGHT NOW MY MOM IS IN REHAB AND IT HAS GIVEN ME A MUCH NEEDED RESPITE THAT I WOULD NOT OTHER WISE GET. I SLEPT FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT AND REALIZED ONLY THEN HOW MUCH I DO WHEN I WAS NOT DOING IT. WE LIVE IN A WORLD THAT IS VERY SELF-ABSORBED AND GRATIFYING. WE LIVE WITHOUT TRUE EMPATHY FOR OTHERS. WE DO NOT LIKE TRYING ON ANOTHER'S SHOE IF WE REALLY DO NOT HAVE TO. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS GOING TO TAKE FOR FOLKS TO GET IT. BE ENCOURAGED AND I SEND YOU A WHEELBARREL OF HUGS...
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I have the same experience. I think often the offer is insincere. But I do have a few great friends that will come through in a crunch. I don't know why people are like that, but I think I've made my own insincere offers at times too.
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I too am an only child caring for my mother with mid-stage Alzheimer's. I am also single. It is not unusual for family or friends to disappear in the face of this disease. No one calls, visits, or offers to help me even the smallest way. I am very disappointed and angry. This is not a good way to be. It interfers with the large and important task at hand. Just go about your business as best you can. If you can afford it, you may want to consider hiring someone trustworthy and reliable for several hours per day or per week to provide you more relief.
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It is a very hard thing to do - asking for help. Sometimes we are refused before asking. When my father died, my mom's next door neighbor told her not to be asking her for rides. My mom couldn't drive anymore since she had lost her dominant arm. She was so very hurt. My dad was barely "in the ground" when she was told this.
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DPRAYS really said it all.. I began going with my dad to his Palliative care Psychologist early on and the first thing he did was recommend I S-can the anti-depressants for dad and start working with him on a diet, sunlight and focuc triggers. This Psychologist only handled dying patients and he was 90 years old himself. He retired last week. My dad went from a vegetable to a thinking and doing human being. Our therapist said that 2 our of 3 people are unaware of their own behavior and how it affects others 90% of the time because we live in a greedy, selfish, whats in it for me society. We drug people because they get on our nerves. We say things , we make promises, we con, gossip and retract constantly. One out of every 3 people are on drugs, alcohol, or both.
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I'm not sure "why" people offer to help and then back down...but I have learned to ask people what kind of help can they offer when they say that. Most times, folks are thinking about that "one-time" thing that will make them feel good about themselves...and then they're done. If she's a good friend, I would ask her about it so I can understand what's up with her--and then express to her how it made me feel.

One thing is for sure: family caregiving is a lonely road. But it is a road that "we" chose...not our friends, and sometimes not even our other siblings/family members (whichever applies). Your feelings are very valid, but unfortunately, many of those who are not in our position don't understand how disappointing it is when they flake out...

Hang in there...God bless you!
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Yep, same here. Something always came up when I ask for my siblings's help. I go ahead and make that doctor's appointment, hair/nail whatever for me and at the last minute there is a crisis in their own life. Fortunately, we were able to hire a companion for a few hours 3 days a week and I am now able to do a few personal things. Even with this wonderful helper, I am still on the clock and rushing to get back home. There was never an offer to assist from the siblings, I had to always ask.
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I am wondering if you specify like 2 weeks. Maybe its the long term of comitment that scares them. They may find it actually is rewarding to them and help more.
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If someone sincerely offers, then take them up on it. I learned a long time ago that feelings are feelings but sometimes you just have to push yourself outside your 'comfort zone' and do rather than feel.
If they have offered, and for some reason their later saying they cannot do whatever it is you ask of them, then size up whether or not they really meant it or whether or not they were trying to 'be nice', ie, feel good about themselves. Some people mean it and others, well, they mean it when they say it but aren't so hot on acting on it.
My mother, for example, offered to press six groomsmen's pants that had been transported from another state to Fla. last year after my daughter in law (then the bride to be) happened to say that the pants were all so wrinkled. The day of the wedding, though, when my DIL actually called her hotel room to ask when a good time to bring the pants up would be, my mother hemmed and hawed and made a dozen excuses. Then she set out to find me (we were hosting the reception and had a lot to do so I never agreed to that as well) to help her. When I said that I was too busy and I reminded her that after all, she said she would do it, she said "Well, I didn't think she would really TAKE ME UP ON IT!". That's my mother. Dramatic, wants to be perceived as a giving person, but, well, she's not. I told her that hey, you said you would do it and now I guess you'll have to figure it out (it was not a big job, by the way).
My point is that a) it is great and ok to accept offered help and b) you have to be realistic about who you are accepting that help from. Some times something legitimate comes up that prevents a person from following through. Sometimes they never really meant it in the first place. Also, if you really do want the help, you have to allow people to do things maybe differently than you would, in other words, you have to let go of control and be gracious about taking the help. So size people up, don't 'over expect' and take care of yourself.
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I totally understand, I am in the exact same situation....I am sole caregiver for my mother..for 8 ys now....with no family to help. so I am left with friends or hire n we cant afford the rates for career caregivers. Many times these friends have sed "I will watch her for you so you can go do xxxxx. I only ask when really needed but of course, they are not willing. I did once take her up on it and few hours into my day off she called saying needed to come get her, they had a change of plans, which was just BS youd see if i gave u whole story! That fiasco stressed me out so bad, hard to ask again But I did and answer was no! Guess has to be their choice of time, mood etc..but no one has ever just offered Ie...Sed "you need a break, I am gonna take your mom for a day". I would like to think any break is a good break, but when there is something really want/need to do it is much more valuable! side note the group of friends I ask are all employed as caregivers...so I really trust and know they can do it, but maybe that is why...they don't want to do it on their day's off??? Idk It is very frustrating cuz I cannot afford to pay for respite care!! most of all one of my closest friends who always sez you need a break, you need more help, has never lifted a finger to make that happen for me....and complains all the time how she needs a break and takes off all the time from her 3 kids...she certainly could give up one day / weekend for me....i would walk on water for her...it hurts to be so alone in this!!!! over the 8 years ive gotten 4-5 days off, except for a hospital stay, when she broke hip, again stressful as i worried bout her and her recovery the whole time....SO YOU ARE NOT ALONE, IF YOU CAN TAKE SOLICE IN THAT, MY LOVE N PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOU!!!...It Is not like a child sitting, happy and full of joy...No one wants to do it!!!
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Now to be honest here, BEFORE we all started caring for a parent/spouse or whoever, how many of us offered to pitch in and help someone, only to stop and ask ourselves 'why the heck did I offer to do THAT?'. I think that unless the person is actually in the 'trenches' so to speak, they have NO idea of what they're offering the 'help' to do. We aren't afraid of the responsibility because we've already experienced it, don't understand why the person is backing out. It's the old adage, 'unless you've walked a mile in the other persons shoes, you don't understand' idea. So Katergran, ask your friend exactly WHAT she would feel comfortable doing to help you. Let's face it, not everyone is cut out to do this, so I say we cut them some slack. Doesn't mean it's RIGHT for them to renig on a promise, but I get it.
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I have been dealing with this for the past 6 years. When people make that offer I immediately tell them it would be a tremendous help to just call or visit my dad. Of course they then waddle off feeling better because they made the offer, but they never follow up. I send emails and postcards out regularly begging for just some simple human contact for my dad. It is a very rare thing when someone does contact dad. So I too am extremely jaded. I would prefer it if people didn't even make the offer. At first it does give you false hopes. I would like to craft a response to get the message across that caregivers DO DEPEND on these offers of assistance and if you don't mean it, don't say it (the what can I do offer).
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I think many people operate on a superficial level. So when they act like they will be helpful at a later date, they never gave it a thought that it might actually come to pass. It's difficult to accept, as it makes you feel like you don't know who you can count on, it makes you feel insignificant and not taken seriously, as well. If there is a nursing program nearby, perhaps you can contact the school, put up ads to get volunteers and they can get some kind of credit or use you as a reference when they go for a job. Also call your local Visiting Nurses Association and see if they can help link you up with a helper.
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Asking a friend for a commitment of help for an afrternoon now and then is reasonable. When it goes beyond that and it is not family you may get some yeses and some nos and just expect that that may be your answer when you ask. don't be offended. Bettern they hesitate and say no than to say they will do it, find it is too intrusive into their schedule and drop out leaving you with no coverage. Always try and put yourself into the shoes of the person who you are asking for help. Is there a neighbor who lives within a block walking distance who does not work that may be able to get Mom settled in when she gets home? Something where they are already home and don't have to drive to get there. That may be a more reasonable person to ask. Then find something else your friend that offered to help do that is just an afternoon now and then-have her come and you go to a movie, have your hair done, get a pedicure. Something for you. She will feel good for helping you and you will appreciate her for her time.
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I volunteer with a group of women at my church to go to a local nursing home one time a month to bring cake and punch and gifts to the residents, many of whom have dementia, incontinence, and the various and sundry things that go wrong with advanced age.
The woman who heads this up has told me that 'you cannot believe how difficult it is the get ANYONE who is willing to go to the nursing home or be around the very elderly'. Literally, we spend about an hour there. While it amazes me, evidently many people are truly freaked out or cannot 'handle' people who have lost their senses, smell bad sometimes or have embarassing issues. Or they are afraid of death or any reminder that it's imminent. When you are up to your eyeballs taking care of a parent or spouse, by the time you really need back up you have been doing it for a while. Some people have had no experience with it, as the person above says. But probably they do care for you and want to somehow be there for you. So, as above, perhaps asking what they are willing to do. Maybe bring a few dinners over or help with laundry or run your kids to a school event would be more up their alley. Then tap into the professionals to really do the heavy lifting so to speak, with your loved one.
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i have asked for assistant help to pay for a home or apt for a low income senior citizen myself from the gov. but i never hear from they always advertice it that you can get help but never respond to help why is that.
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I don't know why people say they will and then won't. Maybe they feel they will be tied down, or liable if anything happens etc. Do you have a church home? Sometimes thay have people that are will to come and help out.......
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Somehow many in previous generations managed to handle the care of their loved ones without these kind of problems?My mother and her sister did it for their mom for years in their own homes as their mothers did it for their folks.Actually they started caring for her 25 years prior when my grandfather died.Those days are gone forever in this country (USA).Many cultures around the world do it to this day (but it is changing for the worse rapidly).I was the first generation from what I can research that had to go it alone.I could smell it coming for years when I saw what was going on in my sibling families (totally disfunctional) and decided to do without many things that would of been nice because I knew the day would come to care for mom and dad.They were fantastic parents who happened to get old and senile during a era where most people (especially their own children) only care about their own selfserving lives.I have to believe they saved some money too because they probably saw it coming.I heard from their lips (my siblings) many times the old "don't worry mom & dad we will be there for you,by the way could you loan us a little money now for the grandkids......." BS story.It is a rare day when anyone will offer a helping hand for free.I paid for out of pocket or did it myself everything and I mean everything in regards to "caregiver help" for 7 years.Yes,thankfully the government is still helping out with medicare,social services,medicaid.Social Services is the place to start for help.If you are dealing with dementia meet with the local Alzheimers Association.Even Social Security helped me out.You need to learn the basics and find sources outside of so called friends and "family" .Many times the help you will find is from strangers who work in the elder care field.I hate to sound negative but the smartest thing I ever did was to deep six the family and their phantom goodwill for good and get the best help possible from professionals who deal with these problems every day.Always choose home care for as long as possible if you are able to do it.Nursing homes are getting worse by the day due to government budget cuts.That is the reality of today's world.Don't hesitate to contact elected officials and choose wisely when you vote because it is only going to get worse when out time comes.There is power in numbers and the more people who scream about the injustice of the SYSTEM the better off all caregivers will be.We are like mothers & fathers to our parents now and the government should realize we are saving them a lot of money and we need to be compensated for our efforts.Likewise our siblings need to be punished for the deadbeats they are (via the IRS maybe?).
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"Why do people offer to help and then back down when asked?"

Because they are jerks?
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Have you called your local Area Agency on Aging? They will send a social worker out to your home and have a lot of helps for the elderly. My MIL lives with us and we were able to set her up with senior daycare where they pick her up on the bus 3 days a week. The social worker also told us there was meals on wheels and if you need someone to care for your loved one, they will pay someone you know as long as they aren't a relative. I imagine they are all a little different by state, but it doesn't hurt to ask what is available. I know it is hurtful that people ask to help and then back out...I have a sister who flies in from another state to help us out when my husband and I want to travel together. Some people have a caregiving nature...most don't.
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That question is a "social" phrase. It's the same when they ask you, "How are you?" A social phrase. Just as we are conditioned to respond, "I'm fine." even though we're not. It just drives me crazy when I go to the clinic and the doctor enters and ask, "How are you doing?" And I automatically respond, "I'm fine." If I'm fine, I wouldn't be at the clinic!

So, the phrase of offering to help, is just a social phrase that makes the person feel better that they offered the help (even though they have no plans to actually Do It.)
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I understand your frustration and I've heard other similar problems such as yours on this site. Again, if I may suggest, particularly since you mentioned you had no issues with compensation, the website care.com and then click on senior care individual - you have the option to put your zip code in and a radius in miles. When you do that, the choices you have of individuals more than happy to help you out will pop up, and in many cases, their photo and bio. There is also a care giver professional on this site who you may phone for guidance. It is better to work with someone with experience in caring for seniors, stroke victims, dementia patients, etc., and people willing to drive your mother to various appts. and bring her back home. By employing someone especially equipped to handle the elderly you do not become depending or beholding to friends or family members who are not going to be as reliable on a regular basis. So many out there now need part time jobs and can work out a schedule to include a few hours in one household and few in another! Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
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Arniethek1, "let me know if I can help," is a social phrase, like "how are you." Point well taken. But in this case the friend "pressed me several times on the issue and mentioned her work schedule was changing and that she would be free in the afternoons and what could she do to help." That is not a social convention. That is at least a good imitation of an offer to help.
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Yes, that sure sounds like your friend is asking what she can do to help, Jeanne. That definitely is Not a social phrase. So, does this mean when you try to cash in that question, she is giving you the runaround? Then, I agree with you totally - she's being a jerk.
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