Resentful husband - I never thought he'd say it.

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Resentful husband - I never thought he'd say it.

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My 91 yr old mom recently was admitted to a dementia facility after a week long stay in a hospital. We're working with an elder care attorney to get the Medicaid application processed to pay for mom's long term stay, and her Medicare coverage just ran out yesterday (we were given 48 hrs notice). I'm very anxious about the situation. It looks like she'll qualify for Medicaid but there is a grey area that I don't want to get into here in detail. Let's just say that there's one point in her application that has me concerned.

I was researching it tonight online when my daughter came in to remind me I need to register her for summer camp (the one she likes registers god awful early!). I responded with, "thanks for the reminder, sweetie. I'll take care of that just as soon as I finish looking at this article." She smiled & left the room. Then I turned to my husband to show him the article that I found.

He abruptly told me that I need to stop sacrificing my daughter for my mother. I was stunned. How have I possibly done that??? He pointed out how my daughter wanted me to do her summer camp registration & instead I put her off. In my defense, I was putting her off for five minutes while I showed him this article on Medicaid that I found, that was it. He then let me know that he's had enough. It's time to "wrap up this mother business" & get back to focusing on us and our lives. He told me that I needed to get my priorities straight.

I'm devastated. He all but accused me of being a neglectful parent, which he knows has been my biggest fear in all of this (I didn't have the most nurturing mother, myself). I've tried to do everything I could possibly think of to compensate for all the chaos of me dealing with mom's recent medical issues & long term needs. But, I'm an only child and my dad's deceased. I'm my mother's only immediate family member. I HAVE TO but the work in to settle her situation and I have no control over how complex it'll be or how long it'll take.

It just broke my heart that he could think that way about me. I beat myself up for a few hours about it, wondering if my daughter was going to grow up to hate me for this time in her life. But later in the evening as I was picking up around the house, I realized a few things. Her new winter boots, new coat and snow pants? I took her shopping for those things. The Santa presents hidden in the attic? That was also me. The Christmas presents for extended family (including all the in law gifts)? Me again. This year's photo of her and Santa and the town bazaar? I was the one that took her to that. Not her dad. Her Elf on the Shelf has gotten moved every single night since Thanksgiving (when our elf has traditionally shown up) by ME. Oh, and the letter from Santa that arrives from an artist on Etsy (that she's gotten every year since she was born)? I just ordered that myself on Friday.

All the prepared food in the fridge, the snacks, and her lunch sitting ready to go for tomorrow? Me, me, and me. I was at her basketball game this morning, took her shopping for new basketball shorts and sneakers afterwards. I helped her wash her hair this evening, then brushed it and braided it for her. Despite the situation with mom (and my full time career), nothing has faltered. I stood in the kitchen realizing that everything to be done for this family in preparation of a new week was done, by me alone.

I'm NOT a neglectful mother and I'm NOT sacrificing my daughter for my mother. In fact, I'm killing myself to make sure that my baby girl can count on everything in her world being consistent and secure no matter what back bends I need to perform to make that happen.

That realization should've made me feel better but it did not. I'm so disappointed in my husband right now that I can't even see straight. Empathy isn't he strongest trait but I never thought he'd be so thoughtless right the worst of this situation.

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B BlackAngel Dec 2019 · Answer 1 · 2019-12-11T10:14:46.000-0500

Step Back & Just Breath (you should have this sign hanging in your home). Four years ago I moved both my parents (mom has dementia) into assisted living. The first 6 months I was consumed with paperwork, financials, medical forms, Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security, taxes, and so much more...if you are only beginning the POA process, hang on! It is overwhelmingly time-consuming and frustrating; not to mention, the personal time I spent with my parents as they adjusted. Looking back now I can clearly see that my family took the back burner, and I was not taking care of myself either. This process will wear on you and everyone around you if you let it. The best advise I got (and still get) comes from those who have been through this. "Do not let your parents needs come before your family. Take care of yourself first." This is not selfish advise, it is sane advise. You may be responsible for making sure your mom gets good care, but you are not responsible for her age or the fact that she has dementia. Accept all the help you can get from agencies, doctors, and caregivers. Get her settled someplace where the staff can care for her and meet her needs. Let the nursing home handle as much of the paperwork and medical needs as possible. Try to be the daughter, visit your mother but do not "parent" her. Your mother probably spent her life caring for her family and you must do the same...she would want it that way.

K kdcm1011 Dec 2019 · Answer 2 · 2019-12-11T10:25:32.000-0500

And what was he doing when you turned to him to show him the article? Besides judging you, I mean. If he was my husband, most likely watching TV and not doing anything else. Unlike me who multitasks when watching TV ... and everything else.

R Robin1234 Dec 2019 · Answer 3 · 2019-12-11T10:49:39.000-0500

Why can’t he register your daughter?

W whatdidigetinto Dec 2019 · Answer 4 · 2019-12-11T10:52:55.000-0500

Wubba, first and foremost, I am sorry for all of this. It sucks.

Second, all the posters here telling you to take care of yourself and your family are absolutely correct. Caregiving can be overwhelming and consuming and you have to try to not let it take over your life. That is absolutely true.

Third, maybe, just maybe, your husband needs to understand the relationships in his life. You are his wife, not his mother. He's supposed to support you, not get snippy, when you're taking care of someone besides him. Maybe he could try to be there emotionally for you, for a change. Maybe, just maybe, you deserve one single break from being Superwoman and automatically knowing and balancing everyone's needs and juggling your caregiving for everybody.

I'm just saying I'm not going to tell you one more thing you need to do. You are doing enough. I think your husband needs to grow up and step up.

K keithensoma Dec 2019 · Answer 5 · 2019-12-11T11:03:18.000-0500

Wubba, Show him what you just wrote and see what his reaction is. He needs to know if you haven't already told him. If we could all just disappear for about one week and let everyone else do what WE do, then they'd understand better. He needs to see your words and let them sink in. Good luck.

W worriedinCali Dec 2019 · Answer 6 · 2019-12-11T11:40:42.000-0500

Some of these responses.....are ew. This one side of the story. And it’s self-centered. All about the OP and what she does and yet some of you have decided the husband is the bad Guy here? Maybe just maybe the OP has been consumed with her mother’s situation and her husband has been left to deal with everything else? You all are so quick to judge someone without actually knowing anything about them....

and as far as the husband & registering camp, maybe he doesn’t have the information necessary? Cut him some slack please. There are certain things some of us handle because WE have the information and know how to do it and our spouse doesn’t.

There is something bigger going on here and we shouldn’t be crucifying one party to it. What the OP needs to do is listen to her husband and have a discussion to find out where this is coming from and how THEY can work through it. She doesn’t need to hear negativity about her husband from a bunch of strangers.

B bluepearl Dec 2019 · Answer 7 · 2019-12-11T11:44:45.000-0500

I don't usually post, but your letter and some of the comments got me riled up.

I am glad you realize your value and what you are contributing to the relationship. You are in an extremely stressful time and need the SUPPORT of your husband. You do not need another person or situation sucking the life out of you. I find your husband's self centered attitude absolutely unacceptable. Poor thing isn't getting enough attention. Well BOO HOO. For people to suggest he needs more sex, I say he's got a hand, doesn't he?

I have been in an extremely stressful caregiving situation for 5 years. I am so lucky my husband does what he can to take some of the stress off of me. If your husband can't be supportive in your time of need, is this someone you want to spend your life with? Is he only there for you in the good times?

You are a strong, kind hearted woman. I am so upset with your husband.

Sending hugs your way!!!!!

W worriedinCali Dec 2019 · Answer 8 · 2019-12-11T11:54:00.000-0500

Blue pearl, you have much to learn if you think her husband’s hand is a solution here. It’s not just the act of getting off that we humans need.

B BeckyT Dec 2019 · Answer 9 · 2019-12-11T12:11:08.000-0500

Aww, poor hubby is feeling neglected, isn’t he? His world isn’t revolving as it usually does. Poor guy. Too bad.

A Arlyle Dec 2019 · Answer 10 · 2019-12-11T12:12:30.000-0500

Maybe the internet is partly to blame. I find it is so easy to get lost and absorbed in reading and researching stuff. I see this in both myself and my husband. Just a thought. Hope all works out for all members of your family.

N NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2019 · Answer 11 · 2019-12-11T12:25:49.000-0500

Wubba, are you still with us???

X XenaJada Dec 2019 · Answer 12 · 2019-12-11T12:48:36.000-0500

Please take your husband by the hand, remind him of his comment, and lead him through the house and show him everything you just mentioned in your post. Do NOT stop showing him when he says "Yeah, yeah, ok, blah, blah, blah" after the second or third display. Show him EVERYTHING you have done for HIM and your daughter.

What an arse.

L lynina2 Dec 2019 · Answer 13 · 2019-12-11T15:36:37.000-0500

Is there any particular reason why your husband couldn't register your daughter for camp? If it were me, I would gently suggest that if waiting until later in the evening is not acceptable, then he should feel free to sign her up. Assisting a loved one through the process of Medicaid applications is difficult and stressful. He should be stepping up to help you. There is nothing wrong with asking your daughter to wait a bit as, IMHO, if she is old enough to go to camp, she is old enough to understand. The life lesson of accommodating a loved one who is helping another member of the family is a good one. Especially if she learns that if you say you will do something, that you follow through on your promise. Another life lesson is to learn to delegate. If you can't get to the task tonight, delegate your husband to take care of that task.

L lynina2 Dec 2019 · Answer 14 · 2019-12-11T15:48:05.000-0500

For those of you who wondered if the husband doesn't have the information to register the daughter, then considered this. He should. And this crisis of her mom needing to go into a care facility is a gift of sorts. That gift is to remind Wubba and her husband that he should know more of his daughter's world and be able to complete this task. Take this time as an opportunity to get him more involved. That's a really good thing. Wubba should sit him down with him to register their daughter for camp so that he knows what to do in future. And to give credit to hubby, if Wubba does become preoccupied with the caregiving role, he should say something to provide her perspective.......just not after only a week or two. And his point shouldn't be just in terms of his and daughter's attention, but also in light of what is best for Wubba.

W worriedinCali Dec 2019 · Answer 15 · 2019-12-11T16:02:19.000-0500

Lynina, the OP wasn’t working on Medicaid applications, she was reading an article. She has someone taking care of her mother’s medicaid applications. There are valid reasons why her husband can’t sign her daughter up for camp and no she shouldn’t have the information. Let’s think logically here and not emotionally. If he didn’t have the information on the camp then she still would have had to stop and give it to him. It is normal for one parent to manage certain things. My husband can’t enroll my daughter in Girl Scouts summer camp because *I* have always done it and therefore *I* have all the information about camp registration. And for what it’s worth, the OP had the opportunity to tell her husband to register their daughter for camp when the issue came up but she didn’t. We should focus on the bigger picture here rather than bash her husband based off what FEW details the OP gave us about him.

H Harpcat Dec 2019 · Answer 16 · 2019-12-11T16:44:04.000-0500

I think he’s resentful of your work on behalf of your mother and is transferring that onto your relationship with your daughter. His comment was not deserved and you’ve told us how you’ve attended to her needs. You are not neglectful. Like most women these days, you are doing the lion's share of work around the home and juggling many balls! If I may, I’d say he is needy like a lot of men. So how do you resolve this issue? By sitting down and leveling. Let him say his piece and then you tell him what you’ve told us. Ask him what his true issue is. When I was in the early stages of attending to my dad's every need, My husband was very hands off. I finally got fed up and told him that he needed to step up and be supportive and understand what I was going through! The words I said got his attention and it turned him around. You need to tell your husband that the two of you are a team and therefore need to come together and act like one. And that includes support and sharing. Don’t hide these feelings from him as that does no good.

M MaryKathleen Dec 2019 · Answer 17 · 2019-12-11T17:30:26.000-0500

All of these posts about the husband needing to understand, why does he? I think Captain, Elaine1962, NeedHelpWithMom, and a couple of others have it correctly. For those who think he should just "understand" and "Get over it" need to remember, he can and could leave. If she is doing research in the evening she is ignoring her family.

She is working with an attorney, let him do the research, that is what she is paying him for.

I agree, have a date evening and night with hubby, start looking him in the eyes and telling him she loves him. I left home and it was MY mother and my husband. I had to get out or die. Life is too short to live in an unhappy situation, don't be surprised if hubby feels the same way.

A anonymous158299 Dec 2019 · Answer 18 · 2019-12-11T17:30:49.000-0500

bold observation tacy and i agree with most of it however when kids get a little age on them theyll play the hell out of things . in their teen years they can blow up a marriage if the parents arent really careful . you dont have to sht down your leg every time a kid wants something ( right now ) either .

N NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019 · Answer 19 · 2019-12-11T17:55:31.000-0500

People become lost in their emotions and don’t even realize they are lost. They usually don’t see it until the sh!t hits the fan, so to speak.

The dysfunction becomes so normalized that it becomes the norm for them. They don’t even see the mayhem or chaos until they either step away themselves or forced to step away from it because someone walks, thus leaving them alone.

Sometimes it isn’t even a dysfunctional situation. People become so preoccupied with stuff that that don’t notice anything else. They live in their own little world.

I always find it interesting when people say what they would do differently in their lives. Some have a long list. Others say that they wouldn’t change a thing because that is precisely what made them who they are. I see both sides.

As far as gender goes. It doesn’t matter if the OP is male or female. Everyone should be treated equally. That is what is fair.

O officerripley Dec 2019 · Answer 20 · 2019-12-11T17:59:52.000-0500

First: my heart goes out to you, Wubba
2nd: I've known personally a lot of couples (excluding my own) in this situation & *every damn time* it was the case that the husband was expecting too much. Not saying that *all* men are that way but every darn time in this situation (except for mine), that's how the men behaved, i.e., another kid for the wife to take care of. Every. Time.
3rd: To the comments about "she was just reading an article, not really working on Mom's application, that's what the lawyer's for, let him do it": wow, there are lawyers who do what they're supposed to where you live instead of saying, "Now, I've got some homework for ya"? (Which is something that I've literally had 2 attorneys say to me.) Annnd, if you're thinking right now, "Well, just fire a lawyer like that & get a new one"? Been there, done that; got another lawyer just like the first. (And looks like I may well have to fire yet another one soon...so tired of people who won't do their jobs...) So I guess I'm wondering, what are these lawyers you speak of who do their jobs and actually *earn* their copious dollars? Don't seem to be any where I live.

L lynina2 Dec 2019 · Answer 21 · 2019-12-11T18:07:38.000-0500

In my experience, reading up on a subject and educating oneself on it, allows one to take full advantage of that time spent and paid for with the professional (ie. a lawyer). There is nothing wrong with the OP reading articles to understand the intricacies of the application process if just to determine the best questions to ask. Chill out!

H Harpcat Dec 2019 · Answer 22 · 2019-12-11T18:11:55.000-0500

I think it's wise to stick to what we know in this and that is only what the OP has shared. Dragging sexual intimacy into it makes no sense as we have no idea what their 'intimate" situation is. You can't presume or assume anything. Stick to the facts at hand folks. And also we don't have both sides obviously. Whether the poster is male or female is a moot point because it is what it is (referring to tacy002 post). He didn't post, she did, so this is our jumping off post. This is why I suggested they have a sit down and get down to hearing both sides. It's easy to get hurt feelings, but lack of communication about it resolves nothing.

H Harpcat Dec 2019 · Answer 23 · 2019-12-11T18:18:56.000-0500

Yes Gershun, where is the OP? That is one thing about this forum I can never understand. People post and then never appear again. But we keep on commenting. And I agree about Captain's post. SMH

G Gershun Dec 2019 · Answer 24 · 2019-12-11T18:25:19.000-0500

Just so Harpcat's comment isn't taken the wrong way I deleted my comment that she is referring to.

W worriedinCali Dec 2019 · Answer 25 · 2019-12-11T18:34:09.000-0500

Gershun there is no rhyme or reason to how this site is moderated. Nothing makes sense and there is no consistency.

G Gershun Dec 2019 · Answer 26 · 2019-12-11T18:47:24.000-0500

No there isn't worried. You are right.

Don't get me wrong. I come from a family that can get very crude so Cap's comments don't really offend me but having said that there needs to be some consistency across the board on this forum when it comes to what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate.

M ML4444 Dec 2019 · Answer 27 · 2019-12-11T18:53:33.000-0500

Without the other side of the story.... this is a slippery slope...and it is so easy to get engulfed and not realize just how much time is being spent on this situation,,,’There are only 2 possibilities here;
1. Husband sees the future and wants to remind that her daughter and him have to take precedence (I refer to the “gray area in her application that has her concerned).. If OP doesn’t care to share here, then it’s hard to understand the entire situation. Maybe she IS spending a lot of time on this.

2. Husband is a selfish arse and wants all attention on him and daughter, not understanding or caring that her mother needs assistance. WIthout knowing the level of time/care spent with mother by the OP, hard to discern.

T Teri4077 Dec 2019 · Answer 28 · 2019-12-11T19:19:28.000-0500

My ex not too long ago told me that the one good thing about him "ruining our family" (his words, about an affair that he wouldn't end) was that he wouldn't want to move to Kansas City from Ohio so that I could retire early to care for my 90 yr old mom. He then told my son the same thing. My ex has been retired for several years and doesn't even go to visit his mother, for whom his only living sister cares. He also hasn't seen our only grandchild, who lives only 6 hours away. I guess I am lucky to be divorced in light of this. Sad, but the OP's message makes me think of my ex. He took none of the responsibilities for caregiving of the children. He told me he wouldn't before we had kids, so at least I knew what I was in for going in. I wanted children enough that I made the decision to have them even though I would be a sole caregiver. The affair probably happened because he was not the sole recipient of my attention any longer, much as I tried to continue to give attention to him while working harder than he did at my job and caring for the kids.

Although I am not an only child, I might as well be. None of my sibs do anything, although one brother will do a bit if I pay him.

Sorry -- I'm venting.

N NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019 · Answer 29 · 2019-12-11T19:26:08.000-0500

Teri,

Hey, you’re allowed to vent.

Resentful husband - I never thought he'd say it.

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