83 yr. old mother with dementia embellishes every conversation the anyone has with her. She tells me that my brother has said that he misses her and wants her to come home...he hasn't said that. She says that the nurse practitioner says that she is ready to go home...she hasn't said that. And it's not just about going home, but everything. I used to think that she was just telling a lot of lies, but now I think she truly believes what she is saying. Does anyone have any experience with this. I really think it is not good for her to believe she is going home when she isn't.
My mother (dementia, in a NH) asked me when the men were getting back. Which men? Dad and his friends. They've been gone fishing for almost a week. (Dad died 18 years ago.)
The best thing you can do, if it is at all possible, is learn about this disease, and then bring the rest of the family up to speed about it, too. Browsing on this site is an eye-opener! Not all the elders being cared for have dementia, but a large enough number do for you to see the whole range of experience.
People with dementia do not typically lie. They believe what they are saying. Somehow, someway your MIL thinks your daughter told her to leave. You have to deal with that as her reality -- not as a lie she is telling. "Oh, MIL, that must have really hurt your feelings when you thought Granddaughter told you to leave. I'm so sorry that happened. I know that isn't how GD feels about you so I am sure it was a misunderstanding. We are glad to have you with us." You don't have to accept what she says as true, but it helps you you acknowledge that she thinks it is true.
My husband went through a paranoid phase, and that was the hardest part for me of the entire 10 year journey. It is very hard not to take accusations personally. But once you accept that there is physical damage to the brain that can be seen and measured at autopsy it becomes a little easier.
She has not been diagnosed with dementia. The doctor suspected she had it and sent her to be tested without telling her what the test was, but she suspected what he was up to and practiced with memory tests, counting backwards in 7s etc. and passed the test with flying colours. So she is not being treated in any way for her dementia.
So when it comes to short memory tests she's great but when it comes to remembering what I told her half an hour ago she is useless.
I have tried to correct her on the confabulations that flow on to others, in an effort to stop her looking like an idiot, so now she just hides what she's doing from me, sneaks things out of the house, returning presents to people who gave them to her, telling them the present was meant for them and someone gave it to her by mistake. I try to stop this but it's a losing battle.
She has countless ridiculous stories she insists are true and I don't argue, but the lies about her health often have expensive results and cost us much of our time. But with no diagnosis we can do nothing but let it all go on.
I know what you mean about those tests! Failing them is a clear sign that something is wrong, but passing them is NOT proof the person is cognitively sound. Good for the doctor for sending her for the tests, but now I think you need to carefully document some of these behaviors BRIEFLY and send the list to the doctor. I hope that Mom has signed a HIPAA waiver to allow the doctor to talk to you and that the doctor will. But even if the communication has to be one-way, I urge you to communicate with her doctor.
Try to think through how you would treat this differently if you knew she had dementia, and then start behaving that way!
For example, there is no need to protect her for looking like an idiot. She is what she is right now. Instead, inform your friends and relatives, "Mom is having some cognitive issues right now. We are working with her doctor on a diagnosis, but please understand that she gets memories and facts mixed up with fiction." True. And no diagnosis required.
She does not tell lies about her health. She tells her own version of reality. If you had a diagnosis you could tell yourself "It's the Alzhiemer's saying this." Now you can tell yourself, "It is her cognitive issues that are causing her to perceive her health this way." Either way, you now know enough to investigate before you spend a lot of money on her stories.
I think it is really important that you stop thinking of her as lying. Whether you have a label for it or not, your dear exasperating MIL's brain is misfiring. Accepting that is the best basis for caring for her.
In time you may get a diagnosis -- she will no longer be able to "showtime" her way through tests. But that really isn't going to change a lot. You'll still have to deal with all of her behaviors.
Good luck to you, Hannah1! Keep in touch with us here.
You are right in so many ways and I will certainly take your advice where I can. I do tell people she is having memory lapses and this works, but most of her children, (8 of them plus sons and daughter-in-laws), have contempt for her and treat her badly. When she makes these mistakes they ignore her and she is hurt.
The problem is she has always lied, since she was young, fit and healthy, (Münchhausen's Disorder). Her lies, (to get attention and to manipulate), have caused terrible problems between family members. Over time her children didn't believe a word she said and developed contempt for her. Now, with the onset of Dementia, her lies aren't 'lies' to her any more, she believes them to be true, and she can't understand the ridicule and derision she gets from her children when she talks to them. And so I try to stop her telling them things she has invented and it works sometimes and sometimes not.
And as DDDuck says about her mother, my mother-in-law's 'lies' can be very vicious. She has told people I don't feed her, I keep her trapped in the house and I deny her medical attention when she is very ill. I know she loves me but I also know she will say anything to get attention and pity.
And I so agree that I couldn't do anything different if I had a diagnosis but I am concerned that she could be having treatment she is missing out on. There may be drugs she could take, groups to attend, etc. etc. to slow the progress of the disease, but without a diagnosis she is getting none of this treatment. Does such treatment exist?
Thanks for replying, your words of wisdom have helped.
And thanks for sharing your story, DDDuck. I know exactly how you feel about people believing your mother's damaging stories.
The most important thing is that my mother in law has the love and support she needs, and as frustrating as it can be at times, I need to give this to her.
You might find it helpful to attend a support group for caregivers of persons with dementia.
I will look around for a support group, (I think it may help my husband too). Meanwhile I shall stay tuned to this forum. Reading the experiences of other certainly helps.
You might ask her doctor if he/she would consider prescribing that. If there are unpleasant side effects (there were for my mother) or if it doesn't seem to make anything better, ask the doctor to discontinue it.
Thank you for your help, and I am sorry to hear about your husband.
Marea
If I listened to things my mother said, I'd never talk to anyone again, including myself. It's the nature of the diseased brain.
There was also her use of the word "we" for everything. "We" do all the work around here and call workmen to do things. "We" worry about the yard and want to get something done about it. I do wish she would drop the we and say that she wants something or that I do something. She and I are not a couple. It's weird feeling to hear her lump us together all the time.
My mother has what is most likely vascular dementia with a touch of Alzheimer's setting in. The good thing is that stories that are made up will be forgotten over time. My mother's confabulations got less after a couple of years. She still talks about herself like she has bluebirds and butterflies fluttering all around her, but she quit saying bad things about others that weren't true. I don't know what causes the confabulations, but I understand what it is like to be around someone doing it.