My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Oh, Anne, I meant to say my mother is not my grandmother.OOOPS.

Mendi, sorry it took so long to answer. I wasn't ignoring, just gone all day. I lost the thread. What about your grandmother? Hope you had a good weekend. Praying you have a good week.

I am caring for my 88 yr. old mother-in-law. This is a promise that my husband made to her. Seems that it is me who takes care of her meds, taking her to the Dr., making her meals, washing her clothes. She is now under home health, has a physical th. occupational th. bath lady, and rn checks 2 times a week. She does not want to do the exersize she is suppose to do on days that they aren't here. If i try to get her to do them she thinks i'm mean and she is a burden. Of course she does not say this to me she says it to her son. He and I have no privicy, no ablity to have a night out. He is able to socialize with guys at the coffee shop but i feel i have to be here all the time. Even if we do go to friends to visit, she calls and want to know when we'll be back, because she has been alone for 10 hrs., (maybe 30 mins) I need help!!!!!!! Any ideas????

Where I said this in one thread and you asked what do you mean she not your mother.

I meant to say of course she is not my grandmother
Revised to what I was thinking.
Her mother was not as hard and when I mentioned her she said well I let my mom be and live by herself up til she died of course. But of course my grandmother isn't my mother is she I thought

Hi Mendi. Be good to yourself. Have you followed the ElderCare link?

Sunflower, sounds like you and your husband could use more respite or a little talk. Bless you for caring for your MIL. You are a hero. How about a night out with your girl friends for a coffee or movie? Let hubby fulfill HIS promise. The more he does, the more he'll appreciate you, perhaps (that is the hope). Tell him you need the same consideration you give him, then do something nice for yourself, like shopping or a movie, or a support group. Do you have to be there when PT and OT are there? Take a walk, etc. And know you're not alone

Been there... my mother was terminal three years ago... now caring for my father... he able to do alot considering the shape my mom was in... but the whole menipulation thing is where i get sucked in... some days i can catch it, but most i don't then i feel like he is a leech sucking the life out of me...
Last year i decided to start doing for myself... i didn't accomplish the task very well... but this year i have had to take the risk of hurting his feelings or calling him on his menipulation tatics... it is hard... some times i feel guility for a few days after saying no... but it has been two months now and i am finally feeling like me again... i have been doing this for 6 years now... dealing with death or dying loved ones, i forgot what being happy was like... i have been told this taking care of me..will take some time and i have to conciously beaware of the pitfalls... when i fall... to get back up and correct my weaknesses... i don't know if this helps... but when i started going out i would let his calls go to voicemail... i can check that and determine if i needed to speak with him on my time... it is hard but it helps... now that i am not jumping everytime he thinks i need to... we both are getting along a little better and i am not angry or frustrated all the time now... in taking care of myself... my siblings have had to step up a little... i had to verbally enforce that this year i was going to start living my life, so they may need to fill in...that helps too...Good luck to you...

Sounds like you have recovered from you breakdown. Good advice. Not everyone has the luxury of siblings stepping up to the plate. Blessings to you and your Dad. You, too, are a hero.

Well Mendi,

It looks to me that your hands are tide...if she (your mom) wants to live the way she is, there is nothing you can do. So just enjoy life!!! I would plan even more fun things to do for myself if I were you!!! Realize dear you can only do what you can do and "no more". I'm trapped in the house with my mom almost 24/7 but an occassional trip the the store "how exciting" I wish I had the freedom that you have!!! I finally had a caregiver for 4 hours on Saturday...I had a couple of drinks and danced the night away!!! I had a blast! I know when I get a little freedom I spoil myself, because who else is going to? My sister showed up Saturday...first time in 3 months and tried to give me the third degree, asking questions about the caregiver...if she had a background check etc. The nerve of these people blow in with the wind and act like they care really pisses me off!!! If I knew my sister was coming I wouldn't have scheduled a caregiver--I could have saved those hours! But she knew I would leave the house and she would be stuck at the house for just a few hours...try 3 months, the nerve of her!!! Oh...I could go on but I'm going to spare you all!!!

Hugs!!!
Jazzy

Jazzy Glad you got out of the house. I have turned my problem over to the Lord and I am sure his will get done. See I am not in control of my mother and neither is she so That leaves God and she has to figure that out for herself.Time will come.
I understand about the sibiling stuff. My bro is the same when something goes down who do they call me.Why, I will never know. Mom, barely pulled out of this last bout and he is still in denial mom is invisiable. yeah right!Then she controls him and tells him I can't stay in his house after she kicked me out her and told me to go home. I had to rent a condo for three days to get the doc note prooving what the doc said. Wait til he comes to pick up his daughter for spring break he will find out where he can't stay and that's with me. What comes around goes around don't you think. Believe me your sister will get her due.God doesn't like us not working together. Hold on girlfriend and when you go out have continie to have fun no matter what you need it. We all do. However I am not sure drinking will help it may hinder it. Find some good friends and go to a chick flick.Least it will not hurt so bad the next day.

You can spill on me anytime.
M.

Hey M,

Good...what better hands to be in! Sometimes I think about my siblings and wonder what's going on in their heads! Obviously nothing, just air floating around in it!!! Or we would not be carrying the full load!

Lots of hugs!!!
-jazzy

dear anne, no hero here... i just believe in doing the right thing and doing all the time... even it is not what i want to do... sometimes that means taking care of me...please don't misunderstand about the siblings stepping up.... stepping up for them is just visiting my dad and brother... that is what i consider stepping up... at least i get a break from getting the calls... they are busy being entertained by the visitors... i am still doing all the work... but once again... a break is better than nothing... I am the care taker... they just come from out of town to visit... won't doing any of the care taking..lol... but i have learned to be grateful for not getting the calls... thanks for your input... (i am not wining just stating facts)... oh my...sometimes it seems i am wining all the time

Dear Breakdown09, hope that's the last number (no more breakdowns), lol. OK, so you won't let me call you a hero. You are a loving daughter, and doing right has it's own rewards. I applaud your maturity and good spirit.

Breakdown, your attitute is saving you, and your generosity of spirit is a blessing to us all. Thank you for being part of this group.
Carol

I have to agree with Anne on this one. You can't force anyone to do what you think. That is an area of control. Sometimes if you are able to take steps to fix something, you do what you can.

My mother made some bad decisions in her life. She let their "best friends" idea become a reality when she chose to take their advice. The advice: just tell your husband when to stop and when to turn on the road. That way you can still get out of the house and do your errands.

Now mind you, mom has never driven and dad was told he could not by the doctors after his stroke. I was able to intervene do to a divine God-cidence and I stopped that mess. But you cannot force a person to do or take care of themselves. If you do not have the legal say so, all you can do is notify the doctor's of your concerns and pray for the best.

I used to think of ways to take away my dad's keys, but mom would have no part of that so I ended up having to pray asking God, "If they are going to go out on the road Lord, please do not let them hurt anyone. They can wrap themselves around a tree, but please Lord don't let them hurt a person."

Don't make yourself sick trying to control a situation. Sometimes watching things happen can be worse, but at least you know that you've done all you can possibly do. The rest is up to them.

I agree with mitzi, you cannot control all situations some of them you just have to let slide. My mother is a controller gives her great pleasure to push my buttons, its taken me a few months to figure this out duh but now I just call her out on it, she hates my son why I do not know but he doesn't like her either she's never been a grandmother to him, he stops by yesterday she hugs his girlfriend whom she does not know, hugs her two kids, whom she does not know and tells me she had to throw my cucumbers away they were rotten, I said so you hug people you don't know and ignore your grandson?? she goes Oh I just wanted you to know about your cucumbers lets get real folks which is more important? so she says I am going to hug him He says no you aren't I don't want a hug from you I said Oh the feeling is mutual I see. Well she went to her room and stayed there the entire night. Sound cruel , well maybe so but you have to know this woman and from now on she isn't getting away with her little games, I've put up with them for 60 years now and enough is enough she thinks she has everyone fooled all sunshine and light what a great woman, guess what no she isn't I take care of her because there is no one else wonder why that is. you reap what you sew and she is reaping how sad, but she made her choices now she has to live with them. I don't want to control her I let her do all the things she wants to do her doctor knows about it as well she does what she wants, tells him she does what he tells her and he knows she's lying Let it go folks provide a warm home, good meals transportation maybe even a conversation if you can have one thats all you can do and be there if there is an emergency otherwise you will be all used up

wow, you life sounds like mine. Mom could care less for my son also and she dotes on her grand daughter. Makes me sick.
Arrgggghhh!!! My son gets so mad and he only 15 . One day he asked me are you going to be like her and throw me out of the house.I told him I get that way just put me in a home at leastI know I be half way taken care and you don't have to worry about me being crazy to you. I really felt hurt he had to see that side of my mother when she kicked us both out or threaten to get out of her house all together. Control freak. When I left I told her she owuldn't hear from me anymore and she hasn't in almost three weeks. A person can only take so much abuse and
I have had enough in my life time already been given up twice and I am not going to let it happen again.


Here is some inspiration to think about . This from a friend in Haiti Mission. It hits on control and funny it came to me Tuesday. God moves in mysterious ways.

He restores my soul

He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Psalm 23; 3

All I Really Can Say Is Thank You


Daily we choose and daily we have a choice. No matter what is neither that which causes us to choose nor why we choose to perform in the way we do. Truth still reveals that this was my choice. Now the funny thing about the way we choose to act in any particular matter will also reveal the deepest part of our inner soul. This truth we can not run away from, only at best can we ignore it.

We may feel bitter; we may feel cold, angry or even justified. If our choice or intentions were of that motivated of love, then we may receive that warm feeling regardless of its cost. But regardless, no soul should go without restorations if thy would humble yourself and call on Christ.

You see, to restore anything, you are proclaiming that you not only have the power to mend that which is broken, but as well make it new once more. And not only that, but you are willing and able to take that which is now mended and lead it in the pathway of surety, care and joy. As a matter of fact, you are willing to put your name on the line. (FOR HIS NAME SAKE)

Seeing that you can not do anything but only to believe to receive this promise, all you really can say is thank you

Be Encouraged

KB

Anoter from another friend.This was so neat I got these right after we were talking about making choices.

Wednesday, February 11

Ocean Liner

A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.
Proverbs 16:9

Recommended Reading
James 4:13-15


Someone once described the sovereignty of God as being like an ocean liner bound for port. While it is resolutely moving toward that destination, there are passengers aboard who are free to move about as they will. They are not in chains. In fact, they eat, sleep, play games, read, and talk as they please. All the while, the liner is still headed toward its predetermined port. It is a picture of both freedom and sovereignty harmoniously taking place at the same time.

As children of God, each of us has the Sovereign God as ruler in our hearts. This means that no matter what happens in life and whatever decisions we make, God resides in our hearts, steering us toward an ever-fixed mark. This is a comforting truth because as humans, we don't know what's best for our lives; and though we try to make good decisions, sometimes we just make the wrong ones. It's wonderful to know that while we're busy living and learning, God is at the helm of our life working all things together for good (Romans 8:28).

In the total expanse of human life, there is not a single square inch of which the Christ, who alone is sovereign, does not declare, "That is mine!"
Abraham Kuyper

Read-Thru-the-Bible
Numbers 6:1 - 7:59

Well, I had another breakdown yesterday... Wednesday night I recieved a call from my dads neighbor... he was non respondant... had to rush him to the ER... they couldn't find anything neurologically wrong... but his dementia has gotten worse really rapid, since Sunday he has been having moments of clarity instead of moments of memory loss... he seems to live in the past more... Doc says not to leave him alone... and here I am by myself dealing with this...so i notify the family... apparently that was a big mistake... everyone seems to dismis all the remarks I make to them about his condition... and I have been informed I am just to senitive... I am so sick of doing all the work and being dismissed as I am stupid... funny how I am so ignorant... but capable of being the primary care taker... even funnier is now his proxy is here to assess the situtation... so I dismiss myself from the care and then no one wants me to leave, now I am to accompany them to the doctors office for the full workup... what the H3ll... I was told I wasn't alone in this... well where were you guys for the past three years... I really tried to be understanding and compasionate to thier situation... but I can't... I find myself resenting them and telling them off (in my mind) lol... but now my DAD is like well you can't go home stay here with us and aren't you going to the doctors with us... no good deed goes unpunished... LOL What now...? any suggestions... they want control...but I still have to be there... even better now everyone has time to come to dads aide... again where are they on a everyday basis... so tired i can't see straight... I want to bail... run away...
Even had plans to go out of town next week... beginning to wonder if all of this is being played up by dad cause I am doing more for myself this year... really beginning to hate my family and my life... which is not me... and it scares me that i am disliking everyone and everything... no where to turn but here... thank God for this support site...

Breakdown, I think we all are!! don't give up the ship! read above post. when I was doing all of my Dads care I just called my siblings who hadn't seen him in 5 and 10 years respectivily and I understand why, I just said if you want to see your father one more time before he dies you better make arrangements and get here. Once he was in the hospital I kept them informed. They did come, three weeks later they had to come back for his funeral. You do what is right in your heart. They are responsible for their decisions. You cannot make anyone think what they don't want to think. Later they will sit back on their laurels and run things thru their heads and you can better believe there will be some things that they wish they had done differently. If not well how shallow. Anyway you are not alone there are so many of us on this site with the same issues. You have been taking care of your father, I would stand my ground, tell it like it is in a calm low voice that gets to them better than yelling. and let them know this is how it "IS" going to be. You are entitled to your life to Yes, you cannot do everyhting you want to do but thats okay. You are reaping rewards not earthly but heavenly and although we cannot even phathom those rewards they are much better than the ones we could / should have here. Stick by your guns. Let them know this is how it is going to be and with your dad my guess is he is nearing the end. I really don't know much about the dying process except by what I have seen with myown eyes and each person is different. But I would guess in 30 days or so this will be done. Get some outside help have everyone give you x number of dollars for this care I know easier said than done but try don't get frustrated if you can't If you attend church most churches ours does anyway has a benevolance budget and will help if you are like me you hate to ask for help but sometimes you just have to. I know in the past I have helped friends with a loved one with cancer or some other disease and cooked meals, just visited. cut toe nails, soaked feet, held them and let them cry I did what ever as a friend that I could do if you don't have any friends like that I am sorry they aren't really friends. we will meet lots of people inour lifetime most of them just want something from you because they are too lazy to do it themselves. I helped one "friend" I thought she was my friend with her dad all she could say is I love to sit here and watch you work, I could have slapped her from here to wisconsin. Turned out later she was just a user. I learned a lesson. But we are here for you we understand we are all going thru the same issues some a bit different. I don't know what I would do without my church family, my husband and son who both love me but hate my mother are no help whatsoever not even emotionally so I feel I carry the world on my shoulders, at work I have one woman whose mother died a few years ago, she let her sister handle it so it wouldn't upset her life, she is always saying Smile next time she does I am going to scowl and say I am whats the matter with you LOL

Breakdown, The sadness of being considered "too sensitive" to your father's situation must be overwhelming. Your family's attitude is sadly too common. I know the feeling of wanting to run away from it all, even though you have it worse than I did, by far.

Keep coming here for support, anyway. We understand, even if we can't change your life.
Carol

OK, all... just had to share something with you... my daughter 24 years old wrote me this email and sent to all the family... thank you god for giving me such a wonderful person in my life...
MOM,
Thank you so much for taking the time to keep us updated. Thank you for being such a strong , selfless person through this. You are truly appreciated and respected for all of the things you do in this difficult process. You always go above and beyond to keep everyone updated and informed on all the important things that happen with our family.
You are strong independent woman, and highly respected. You have always put grandpa and others needs before your own. I know that we don't know even HALF of the things you do for this family. Most of it probably goes un-noticed by most and only appreciated by some, and regardless- you continue to press on and continue doing what needs to be done. Without praise. A huge task was entrusted to you and you handled it with grace, tolerance, maturity and understanding. I just wanted to let you and everyone else know that You're AMAZING!
I sincerely hope that this event with grandpa is a wake up call for all of us and that everyone in the family will step up and do the right thing and what's best for grandpa. I know everyone loves him - and now- it's time to put him first. He has been an ever-present being in all of our lives and none of us would be who we are with out him. His health and well-being is a all of our responsibilities and we all should pitch in and help and be an active part of his life.
I love you, and thank you for being you.

Dear Sister, Breakdown09, what a blessing! God has given you a treasure in her. "Strength and honor are her clothing

Breakdown, I'm so glad you have a loving daughter. It helps to have somebody who believes in you. I kind of blew it with the only supporting member of my family (little sister) (hubby's support goes without saying). I sent sis a link about traveling with oxygen, as I keep trying to get something going about moving my mom along toward going to Alaska for a couple of months without waiting until the very last moment and then having her back out. Mom refuses to bring up the subject and I was so traumatized the last time I brought it up that I won't bring it up either (can we all say dysfunctional passive agressive family here?). So sis writes back that she had seen that stuff before when they were talking about the europe trip, but that she had brought up the Alaska trip to mom on the phone the other day and mom had told her she didn't want to talk about it or logistics until she is feeling better. Well, I just don't know what she means by feeling better. She's back to having her friends visit. She's back to going out with her friends. She's back to sneaking cigarettes outside. Yes, she's up to one whole bottle of oxygen every day, plus the concentrator in the evenings and overnight, but she seems to have some of her energy back (she's also back to emailing people), so what exactly is she waiting for? We're talking about just talking about it, not dragging her out the door and shoving her on a plane. You can't plan a trip with a severe COPD person without some advance planning. And hubby and I have to just put any possible plans we might want to make on hold until she feels like discussing the issue.
So anyway, I emailed sister back, kind of annoyed, and said WHEN is she ever going do decide that she feels good enough to JUST talk about it? When hell freezes over?. Sister (who is kind of emotionally sensitive like me and doesn't deal well with being yelled at any more than I do) immediately shot back a snippy email about how I'm never happy about ANYTHING and NOTHING will ever please me, and that she thinks I'm depressed). Well, that set me off. I sent back an email saying OF COURSE I'M EFFING DEPRESSED. YOU WOULD BE TOO IF IT HAD BEEN YOU HERE FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS. Then I went on to say that she and other sister are ignoring the bigger elephant than MY depression (which I have been working on and keeping under control) is that MOM is depressed and nobody is admitting it or dealing with it. Mom is also in denial. She thought she was going to die a few years ago (two rounds of cancer then COPD) and now she finds herself still alive but unable to do much. OF COURSE SHE'S DEPRESSED. She just sits around doing crossword puzzles and waiting for spring so that she can poke around in the garden a bit (I do all the real work now, she mostly just deadheads some flowers and brings home more stuff for me to plant). Anyway, I went on to rant at my sister, HOW DARE you make this about ME when what's going on is that nobody is admitting that mom is putting off this whole travel thing because she just can't face anything anymore and won't get any help to deal with it, and the sisters just tiptoe around it and buy into here 'when I'm feeling better" routine. I yelled (email style) that mom is refusing to admit that she may NOT feel much better than she is now, because her disease has progressed too far. Yes, spring will perk her up a bit like it always does, but it will also give her more warm days to go outside and smoke a cigarette and put herself back into her vicious cycle that will result in respiratory arrest. I said that if anything might actually REALLY make mom feel better, it might be a change of scene away from sitting on her ass doing crossword puzzles and occasionally going out with a friend for an hour. And it is her last chance to see her last two sisters and her two other daughters before she really CAN'T travel anymore. Then I blocked my email and put in a vacation response and started crying over the whole thing. Hubby tried to calm me down but then I got all upset about HIS father, because my in-laws are moving up here soon and my father in law is losing his memory and it is making me really really sad because he is the father my father never was and I don't want to lose him and don't want him to lose his mind.

breakdown09, what a treasure. That email made me cry. Your daughter is a blessing!

Wow! At least you are taking care of yourself - or trying to. Blocking your email was good. Give yourself a break. Do what you can to try to get the family to do something - anything! - but then let it go. You did your best.

Your mom is depressed, and part of that is that she is alive and living a life without much quality, when she thought it would be all over with. This may sound strange to some, but it's entirely understandable. You understand it. You are magnificient.

Please keep trying to take care of yourself first, then deal with all of these issue the best you can, knowing it won't be perfect. Get outside help in any way that you can. And keep writing. At least you have an audience that understands.
Carol

i agree... take care of yourself... three months ago... i started, i even informed my family to prepare them... they dismissed me like always... now that i am doing it... my sis is telling me I am changing... HELLO i told them i was getting burned out... so i imagine she will disown me.. as usual... she doesn't like something she doesn't go around it... that is ok today... maybe next month i will be more concerned about dads health as she truely is not up to date on caring for people... funny how one year ago... i gave out all the websites... information on his health for all 6 siblings to get an idea on what to expect... not one... even the proxys read up on the disease... they get around him and when he gets confused or makes an incorrect statement they correct him... then by the third time he does it... they get mad... Dad gets frustrated or anxious... not good for his health... but i must say he chose them for the proxy... i can not change that... just love him now... i truely hope they get him in the VA assisted care... at least i know he will be fed properly and meds monitored... much more than what my family does now that they have taken me out of the picture... please remember someone is watching and loves you we will all get through this...

Thanks everybody, and hang in there breakdown. I'm lucky. I'm 3 days away from my two week vacation away from mom. Sister thinks nothing makes me happy? Well, she should see how happy I will be to drive away on Wednesday, not to return for over two weeks. When I had my meltdown back in December and left home with my tent and cat and froze my butt off in the desert, I was happy then too, in a lonely, cold sort of way. Anybody who has put in a couple of years caretaking, whether just with somebody like my mother who mostly needs a housekeeper and cook, or somebody dealing with the horrible sadness of seeing a parent sink into dementia, we KNOW about depression, we recognize it, we grab our bits of happiness where we can, and YES, we can get in a cycle of not seeing the good things in life, but when I can get away from the physical reality of being in the same house with my mother day in and day out, my sense of fun and wonder comes bouncing right back. It's not gone, just hiding because it has trouble holding its own against the daily anger and resentment and frustration. I'm just getting tired of having to leave my poor, long-suffering husband to deal with the day to day stuff while working at the same time because the only way I can stay sane is to keep running away. I've never been so happy about extended unemployment than I am now. In the future, mom will need more care, and I will likely have a job again. Until then, I'm counting the hours until I get to run away again.

i love this website... thanks to all for being here...

Another hug and prayer to you! It is much easier to sit and worry than to do something about it, but it is certainly much more draning, than doing something about it. When you do something about it little by little things do get accomplished. And then you feel so much better about yourself and everyone else too. I oughta know, I had to convince my Dad to come out of state with me for a vacation, in order to move him. It was trickery I know, and it happened fast, My husband and I just showed up with our pickup truck, or pickup trick I should say. Chuckle! Just quickly packed up all his most important papers, family photos, only the best clothes that he could fit into, and a bed and dresser, I explained that the guest room we had, had no bed or dresser in it. Fortunately I have a friend that goes to check, and maintain his house till we decide what to do with it, since he is close to possibly losing it. Im slowly taking care of other things, like his banking, etc. Long Story, sorry I'm rambling. But the point is, you just gotta suck it up, and dig in sometimes. You must remove the car keys, and disable the car. Did you hear in the news about a person who was on alzheimer's meds, that was still driving and ended up killing someone? They are now locking up this poor old 75 year old person. Do you want all that on your conscience? Good Luck!