My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Dear Mendi, Sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I pray all is well with you. Thanks for the good words. You've been a blessing. Please take care, sweet lady.

Jazzy1, You are right! This website is very helpful and lets us know we are not alone. I have 6 siblings and I am the primary caregiver. I left my job almost 2 years ago to take care of Mom. Don't feel guilty about things you say or do. They are all part of the process of being alone with the same person without any relief. My mom has dementia, Parkinsons, anxiety and depression. The hardest is the dementia, because you can't make them understand why they can't do things the way they used to. She is also very OCD, and has to be in constant motion. Not a good thing because Parkinsons has made it almost impossible to walk without falling down. Because of the dementia, she can't remember falling. Her mind rolls from one thing to the next and she spends most of the day trying to get up to do God knows what!
If you have a local daycare, getting her in would give you time to yourself. Mom goes 3 days a week for 6 hours a day. If you have an area elder care service, they may pay for most of the cost if your mom qualifies. Your computer is a good place to start finding local services. They can guide you through different avenues that will get you some help, and time to yourself. I find my hobbies help keep me sane. I knit, make jewelry, and paint. I obviously can't spend as much time on my projects, but doing a little something for myself helps relieve the stress.
Glad to meet you and welcome! I'm sure you will find lots of help here.

I have been reading Jazzy's and Neons coments and I think they are reading my mind. I googled My aging Mother is driving me crazy and foud this site. I am 63 and my husband is 58. We have only been married for 6 years and would still be newlyweds if we had not made the decision to move 160 miles to take care of my mother who is now 84. She is a very proud and stuborn selfish person. She has never worked a day in her life and acts like she knows all about it. She likes to quilt and sew or used to eventhough I don't know of a project she ever completed. She is on alot of heavy pain killers , anti depressants, and thyroid meds and other stuff..then at 3 she starts drinking. She is hard of hearing so we get to repeat everything. She wants to know everything that is going on in our lives but does not understand a thing so we get to explain it all to her. I work a full time job and ther is alot of stress that goes with it. I come hame and fix dinner so she will eat right and it has to be on the table by 7. By this time she is really loaded and no fun. She attacked my husbands Mother the other night verbally to my husband. Who the h does she think she is...ruined the evening for us. We do not have a life and have not been able to make friends here. No home life...no privacy. She doen't have any money to speak of and her place was mortgaged..probably because her husband had to to keep up to her spending. She played golf and bridge and went shopping...we call her the Queen...spoiled rotten. She has the master bedrm and bath and you can hardly get in her room it is so stuffed with crap...she never uses. We have the guest 3/4 bath with a shower stall so small I have a hard time shving my legs. We bought the codo from her for a good price and in return we agreed that we would take care of her. Seems I did not know my Mother that well as we had lived apart for so long. This is th biggest mistake my husband and I have ever made...seperately or together. I have learned to hate her for taking our "golden" years away. So sad. Stuck

I just got back from my counselor. I don't know what I would do without her and my sister who lives a lovely 900 miles away from me and my mom. Praise God my mother doesn't live with me and never will. My MIL lives with us, in a separate apartment downstairs, and has boundries. My mother has no boundries, no filters, no appreciation AND has never loved me unconditionally (as stated in the previous post). What kind of mother, when finding out I was sexually abused as a 5 year old by my oldest brother, pipes up with "You're not gonna cause trouble are you?". There you got it...my mom.

Stuck what kind of relationship did you and your mom have before this? Do you have siblings? Eightyfour and drinking are you serious?

Almost seems like you sold your soul when you bought that condo in exchange for that promise to take care of her.

Yea...thank you, I think we did. I thought we had a great relationship...now I remember that started when she remarried and moved away. She has alsays been all about parties but this is no party. I have no sibblings...Stuck

Well I have to tell you that I admire your courage. You really stepped up to the plate and that was very unselfish of you. I think you're a winner already although I know things are tough.

My hat is off to you because you have a long road ahead of you.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Pam

Thank you Pam, I had not thought of it that way. I just don't know if we can last that long. It seemed like a win win situation at the time..guess I did not have a clue. Stuck

I need help, currently I'm taking care of my 90 yr Mother, who is not the most pleasant with her love ones. She moved in with us 3 months ago after her skilled nursing benefits were exhausted, we thought she would get somewhat mobil and be able to get around somewhat, this hasn't happened and she is total 24 hr care. The only thing she can do is feed herself, of course after everything is arranged and cut up for her, she can't walk on her own either, I must have both arms around her holding up even when she with her walker, she loses her balances all the time. My husband and I are not able to go leave together at all which is very hard. I have a niece come over and sit with her while I work, feeds her lunch and puts her to bed for her afternoon naps, luckily I work from home, which is good and bad. We have made the desicion that if she gets sick and goes back into the hospital, that's it, I will send her directly to a nursing home for the rest of her life. I have taken such good care of my Mother and she just doesn't appreciate it all. It's always been about her, when I try to speak with her and let her no I'm not having a good day and feeling a little stress she turns it into what about me. As my husband says, I have spend my whole life trying to obtain her acceptance of me. I promised my Dad 11 yrs ago I would always look after her, but I just can't do this any longer. I do receive skilled nursing at home now with a nurse once a week, and a bath aid twice a week since she has a catheter now. I am so happy that I found this website and can see there are people in my situation! I pray every morning & night for support for me to make it through the day and also pray for forgivness for my Mom on all her sins!

I do not envy you! I guess we need to realize that they become the child again and we are the parents. Children are all about themselves. It is a hard concept to grasp because we remember them as parents and to reverse roles isn't natural or easy. My mother is only 84 and is going the way of your Mother now....I can not imagine living this way for years to come. It has really put on strain on my husbands and my relationship...no privacy. No real time away...and we are less and less able to leave her. I know and understand your frustrations...and then we fell guilty for having those thoughts. I guess we just hang in there! Stuck

Stuck I am so sorry for you is there any way you and your husband could get a way every once in a while does she have any money she could use for paid caregivers to take her on at times if she does have any money she should use it for her care or decided to go on medicaide and get home care or go into a nursing home she probably live forever she has no stress like my husband was all the stress was on me and he never care what it was doing to me he did die last June but I had made the decision to have him placed I had no desire to care for a man who stated he hated me and just used me I deserved better-he died while starting the medicaide processes.

OMG. I can't believe there are so many of us. I really don't believe the support groups will help. Nothing will change the way I feel when I get up in the morning (or night) and that bitter old woman is sitting at my table, cooking on my stove, putting her "pull ups" in my trash can, answering my phone, usining my washing machine, and telling me and my husband what and where we are doing for her for the day. Sometimes I don't even get a cup of coffee before I have to jerk my clothes on and go warm up the car. We have to find a place to put them all.......ha ha

Jazzy, I'm glad you found a local support group, and that you found this site. I may be joining an in-person support group myself soon. I can totally relate to what you said about feeling like your mother could drive you crazy. I have felt the same way about my Dad, whom I love more than life itself. I remember the moment that things "changed" , as far as relating to my Dad, when I realized that he was no fun any more. I feel guilty even typing those words, because if you had known my Dad years ago, you would have seen that he was a person who was kind to everyone and had the best, most jovial personality. Now he is like a different person. Initially I grieved the "loss of my Dad" by crying into my pillow at night, but now I seem to have adjusted. (But what a loss, and how difficult it is to have to be reminded of this tragic loss of a beautiful personality every time I see him.) I do need to set limits with my Dad, or he could indeed drive me crazy. My physician put me on an anti-depressant, and I have an emergency supply of Xanax if I'm ever in a "trapped" situation with Dad and simply cannot get away to alleviate my anxiety. I have noticed that Dad's friends from long ago are shocked the first time they see how his behavior has changed---like he has turned from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. Luckily we still have moments with Dr. Jekyll ( I think he's the nice one of the two!) and that is pleasant when it happens. It's so sad to see the demise of his once sparkling personality---This is one of those things in life that don't make sense ( like child abuse) and some day in heaven I guess I will understand. In the meantime, as the only child, I am determined to give my Dad all I can give and whatever love I can for the remainder of his life; at the same time I will keep setting limits to protect my own health so that I won't fall apart and so I'll be able to continue to care for him. In my case, Dad is in a "facility" and not living with me and my husband, so that makes a huge difference --and I applaud and respect anyone having their elder living with them. For me, the most difficult experiences were having to move first both of my parents out of their home into a senior facility ---with my father being vehemently opposed and already having had the personality change.......and then having to move my father ( after Mom's death) a SECOND time to another facility in a distant city. This second move was the one that almost did me in, and it was by the grace of God, and several "angels" that He put in my path to assist me, that I came through it. So I say to you, Hang in there! There are a lot of us in the same boat, some boats "heavier" with burden than others. But sharing does help. An insurance agent said to me that people are living longer than they used to, but "the brain has not caught up to the body" . My father's dementia and personality change are what are placing the burden on me. My mother died of cancer and was physically extremely weak toward the end; however she had no dementia at all, and for this reason caring for her was a breeze. Good luck to you and God bless!

Anne, I think you make a good point. The brain disease of dementia is so disheartening. Everyone must deal with it the best they know how.

I will have to disagree with your insurance agent that people are living longer. Back in the OT people lived 800-900 years. Amazingly, God provided for them. But that's besides the point.

Caregiving can be different for everyone. I think God makes provisions for everyone if they do it with excellence and beyond. I know that as an only child, it was very difficult to do. But beyond that difficulty for the temporary time I had to do it.... I watch how God provided. I can't doubt or even question how God provided during that whole time. What I do know is that I am accountable for how I handle things presently.

This sounds crazy, but I am fortunate that I am able to see aging with the disease of dementia compared to aging ungracefully due to self-induced behavior. It is sad both ways. But it helps provide the grace necessary to accomplish the tasks necessary.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

Hi Anne, you've made some good points. And Mitzipinki, I like your thoughts on aging gracefully versus the alternative (ungracefully). Definitely, it is by God's grace whether we do anything successfully! Jazzy, so glad you've found another place for gather support. And I'm grateful for all of you sharing what works with all of us. Here's hoping your experience is blessed! I will be praying for each of you.

Hello,
My mother who is 87 came to live with us at the end of January; (husband, 12 year old son & two dogs). She has always been demanding & selfish but full of energy. Now she sits in the kitchen on the laptop playing games & doesn't lift a finger to wash a dish, fold a towel, get herself a glass of water. What's up? She also doesn't hear. And the other day she insisted that I had said something that my husband & son, also verify that I never said. Then she got mad at me for refusing to say that I said it. ANyway. I guess I need suggestions for how to communicate with her. She wears her hearing aids but I think those things don't work.

It seems that you are fortunate in the fact that she has understanding and thought process to work on the computer. My mother cannot or ever could even use a microwave. So that in itself is a blessing.

It doesn't sound like the hearing aids. She could be having memory issues. To avoid the stress, sometimes its just as easy to nod and agree and move on. Have you had her tested for dementia?

My Mom has driven my sister and I crazy most of our lives. I think she has borderline personality disorder. She can be so mean, and when you tell her to stop being mean, she denies it. Then she tortures us saying we have broken her heart. Does she not realize how mean she is to us, our husbands and our daughters? She is only nice to her grandSONS.

I think you just need to put them in retirement homes and get on with your lives, before they destroy what little you have left of family joy.

My mother has driven my sister and I crazy most of our lives because I think she has borderline personality disorder. She is so mean to us, even to her only granddaughter who is so sweet and quiet. She is only nice to her grandsons. Take it from me, if you can move her to a retirement home, do it. Get on with your life, and get joy back in your family. My Mom is financially broke that is why she is with us. I wish there were some government agency that could help her financially. Promise, Promise, all you women out there, that you will not knowingly do this to your own children.

Saintkiko I am in agreement with you and I don't mean to sound mean. My mom would be much better off in a NH herself. When she calls I can barely understand what she is saying and it is getting worse. I try to tell her things but I just have to keep repeating it all the time, I finally just say never mind a lot of times. It seems they just need so much and the more you give, the more they take. It's all so overwhelming.

Everytime my phone rings I'm hoping it's not my mom because I know she will want me to come over and do something, even though she has a primary care giver 12 hours a day.

I told her that my sonz were taking me to dinner at my oldest sons restaurant. What does she say: "bring me something back". Didn't she understand this was an outing for US.

I'm not saying a NH is the answer but we are not professionals and atleast she would have 24 hour care.

My Mom is not at that point yet, but it is coming, I am sure. And I promise that I WILL NOT do this to my children. Once they are in your home it becomes more difficult to talk about assisted living or NH's. I do not look forward to that. She has only a small savings and her SS. Not sure what we will be doing. I think she knows she was getting to us and has been behaving lately. I had a dream the other night that I was trying to have a private conversation with my husband and she was constanly in the way. Wonder what that means?

Your dream sounds like something people post here all the time; a reality. It happens.

Stuck it means

"you have just entered The Twilight Zone"

HaHa.....:what's next...the funny farm?

My helper went to Florida for 4 days and I am ready to blow!!! 12 hours a day with Mom is too much! I can't wait until she's back. After 2 years of 24/7 and only 1 night away, I need a break before I break. I have no patience with Mom at all anymore and my 6 siblings don't want to see what this is doing to me. I caught a bad cold last week and ended up having an asthma attack. I had to wait 2 hours for my brother to get here so I could go to the ER for a breathing treatment and chest x-rays! Then it was 4 days of trying to care for her while I was coughing my brains out. I know Mom can't help being the way she is, but when I was sick, she did not act out as much as usual. So who is fooling who?
Her long term care insurance has accepted her claim and soon I will have a helper 30 hours a week. If you haven't heard my story, Mom is in constant motion. No napping, no resting no peace! I have to use restraints on her so I can get things done. With Parkinsons, dementia, depression and anxiety, she's a real handful. It's going to be hard to place her when the time finally comes.
So for all of you out there that are going crazy, you have plenty of us to keep you company!!

Gawd! I think I will just shut up now. This is heaven compared to what you have!

Breathe deefer, breathe. I won't say I'll shut up but I sure do understand.

Yikes! Mom thinks her wheelchair is a toilet. 3 days ago I had to unscrew Mom's wheelchair seat to wash it. She had messed her pants while I was getting the laundry, and took her pants off and wet the chair. Yesterday, I gave her laundry to fold while I tried to prepare corned beef and cabbage for dinner.Go Irish! As you know, I have to restrain her to get things done. I have closed circuit cameras to keep an eye on her when not in the same room. Every couple minutes I checked to make sure she was folding clothes. Mind you, I was away from her for maybe 7 to 8 minutes. As I was finishing up, I took another look and saw a bare leg hanging out. I went to check on her right away, and found her naked except for her bra. She said she had to pee and took her pants off to go. I said you had a diaper on and she said it was wet, so she took it off. Not!!! It was dry, and she took it off to pee on the wheelchair, again!!! Of course it went right through to the rug too. It's getting crazier by the day. I can't even trust her when she is tied down. Today will be spent cleaning the chair and spot cleaning the rug. I can only imagine what she will come up with next!

def...oye veh....ack...what can one say. Have you considered home caregivers or a facility?

jazzy...join the club...the We Are Going Crazy club! Yup a lot of us here know what you are going through...especially the ones that have NDP moms...(narcissistic personality disorders)

sweetie, it just sucks, hope you can take a walk or anything to get you on track of who you are.