My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

I read my post & apologize for it being so long & I'd like to Clarify that in now way did my mother physically abuse my father. When I said abuse, I meant verbal. I saw her once or twice talk to him mean & there shouldn't be any excuse, but she was in denial that he couldn't help his declining heath & she said she thought that by saying certain things showing to him her frustration and how she wants him to get better that he might get motivated to get better. But I told her, not by calling him old man and saying you're going to get plastic surgery b/c you are moving on with life if he doesn't get better. He couldn't will himself to get better. I just saw her say this once & another time call him old & he needs to get better but like yelling like she was freaking out. Those days I'd stay when not working but then had to go back home because of my son at home & back to work. He was alert and communicating at that time & he could've told me anything he wanted to. Otherwise she was good in taking care of him & nice & made sure his meds were on time but she just emotionally had a hard time dealing with the reality of his failing health. I hope I'm not being insensitive, but her behaviors towards us & how she knows he wouldn't want that b/c he loved us kids & grandkids so much & saying he cheated once kindof makes me wonder if she was just afraid of his death & the future & not so much losing him if she resented him for cheating. I mean why would she say that to me now & behave so mean. I swear I feel like if I'm her step-child.

To Mitzipinki - I'm sorry about your father. Your story made me think of him because he was a saint and compared to my mother, she is horrible. I don't know how he put up with her for over 50 years. He passed away a little over a year ago at 84 & when he started getting some dementia about 2 yrs prior, I started seeing her true colors. She was always kindof mean and completely unaffectionate with her son and daughter (me) all our lives. I realize now, she more or less behaved with us all those years because of him. She's told me she never like kids or wanted them. What does that mean? Her insensitive mean ways would come out sometimes, but I guess she knew I would tell him so she controlled herself when he was alive & she still controlled herself with me when he had dementia & I realize it's b/c I was her only help with him because after he passed, the wicked witch of the west came out & I had a feeling that would happen. He protected us from her. She is SPOILED. He said she didn't have to work. she worked like 1-2 yrs at a factory in her 30's. He worked his butt off almost never taking vacations "for the family" as he would say, almost never traveled, but he could afford it. He always said he wanted to make sure we were all ok the day he passed.
Here's my story. I'm glad there's a place to vent where there's people that might understand. Maybe she has early onset Dementia? She is a little unreasonable but is fully functional.
My mom doesn't speak English, even though she's been here since 1969. He got to a point where he was too tired or started getting dementia at a point where he wouldn't talk to the doctors much at the appts & we had to speak for him. So not only because of the language did I go to the appts but I insisted & wanted to be very involved to make sure he got the best medical attention possible. I looked for better drs, talk to docs on the phone, made appts, & did everything except the day to day caregiving because she did that. So I helped her & all she had to do was care for him, which yes I know it was tough & sad for her. I didn't live with them. I hadn't lived with them for 25 yrs. When his health was obviously failing, they finally told me what was going on & I was mid looking for a full time job in my teaching career, but that had to be put on hold. They didn't ask me to, I had to b/c the dr appts/therapies for cancer were 2-3 times a week. He had heart issues too that came up & was just going down healthwise over a 2-3 yr period. He had issues where I took him to see almost every type of specialist. It was heartbreaking for my mother and I to see him like that. She didn't want his niece to come visit or anyone b/c she didn't want them to see him "sick" as if people can't get sick. He agreed. I think he agreed b/c if he ever went against her, she would bitch about it & make his life hell...being that he was now in a wheelchair he probably just accepted whatever her wishes were. But I told her it would help her & me if she would let his niece, who was offering & lived closer to assist, by coming over & staying with him while she went to the pharmacy or took a drive or went shopping or whatever, because the last year when he couldn't be left alone & he would wake up in middle of the night & he'd need toileting assistance, first walking to the bathroom then using the commode, because she complained that she was exhausted & needed to leave the house sometimes. I lived 30 min away by my job. I offered to quit my job & she help me pay my bills & then I could help full time & I could also be relieved of some stress driving back and forth, but she refused (even though they had plenty money). I asked her how about some community help. She refused to let anyone come over. Even though I was a good daughter (I wanted to do all that anyway because I was trying to save him) it's like she didn't realize I was in this with her & feeling horrible as well. Instead of understanding what I was going through emotionally, she got worse while he was sick in her meanness & worse in demands & became very dependent, for example, she could call the pharmacy for a question, but would call me while I was working so that I'd do it. I was barely being able to keep my part time job having to ask for schedule changes & time off for dr appts. How could I advance in the company? No matter my sacrifices & the fact I am also mourning, after my dad died, her true colors came out full force. I found her a probate attorney that speaks her language (Spanish) so that she can speak with him when needed, but she still insists that I call him for everything. Claiming that she doesn't understand things when I've explained it a million times. Simply, "Probate is for the judge to put your name on the properties after seeing if he owed any debt & he didn't so don't worry, it just takes time b/c of certain steps like advertising in the paper for 2 months, writing a letter to Medicaid to see if owed money, which they never used Medicaid". She plays dumb. I believe that b/c there is nothing wrong with her. She lives alone, pays her bills, drives, walks faster than me & has all her health! Thank God, but why is it that the good ones go first? I have read various stories here where the father was the sweet one that showed his children love & he's the one that went first. It's a bad situation b/c I KNEW that if he went 1st things were going to suck. She is mean b/c now I can't tell him. She is SPOILED b/c she complains that now she has to do the probate thing because 3 of the 5 properties he left did not have her name on the deed and he made sure to leave no debt, they are all paid off, so it's just a matter of paperwork & the time the courts take, but she COMPLAINS constantly that it's taking too long & she can't believe he didn't know to just add her to the deeds. Thing is there is no homestead or senior exemption, the property tax discounts when it's an estate on Jan. 1st, so the case is 1 yr now & she had to pay an extra $2000 in 2015 for property taxes, but she has thousands in the bank. Yes, I agree to take care of this asap & doing all I can to expedite this & she might get a refund once her house is in her name & if not, the discount can begin for 2016, but we have to wait for the courts. Point is, it will be worked out & she just has to wait. I have enough stress with my own things, work (finally working full time), & ALL her financial matters that my dad handled. She gets rental income! In addition to her retirement. At least she still sends checks in the mail for her bills & takes care of herself. The woman is strong. Anyways, here we go: she puts me down, belittles me, counts pennies & writes it down & constantly throws it in my face & complains when she gives me financial assistance. She calls me constantly sometimes for example if I'm sleeping in on my day off but SHE thinks I shouldn't. I should start the day early & get things done, & she gives me a list like 1. call her attorney, 2. call her credit card for some question, 3. call her sister to thank her for a x-mas present (reminding me). She treats me like a slave or her worker, like a child & constantly tells me I'm irresponsible for - not calling her sister yet or for changing a lawyer appt to a later time in the day b/c she agreed to an early morning time on my day off with him without checking with me first. I tell her I'm tired & need to recuperate, but it's her chance to say I'm being irresponsible. She blows things out of proportion, is a DRAMA QUEEN, & any chance she gets to make me feel bad. I said I was going to lose 10 lbs & she said not to b/c I will look bad b/c I have a small face & head. She said this to me once before when she said not to wear a hat b/c of "my little head & face" so it would look bad. Why? B/c I was going to a family's house for a child's b-day party & she felt I should not wear a hat. My dad used to pay to have my cars fixed or he would outright buy me a car. Now I have an old car with 160,000 miles that breaks down & I've been borrowing dad's almost new truck. She has 2 cars at home for herself & is insisting I bring his truck back so she can "park it there & leave it there". Admitting it won't be used. And that she will split the cost to fix my car with me, when she knows I live paycheck to paycheck working about 30-40 hrs a week (it's not always full time) & can't find permanent FT work because my resume shows a gap & they ask what I've been doing the past few yrs. If I tell them taking care of my parents, they won't want to hire me. She said this weekend, "lets fix that crappy car of yours". She knows that is not how my dad would've handled it & it is not what I am used to as his daughter. He was generous, caring & loving & if he could help, he'd do it without hesitation & without being asked. His thing was to buy me a car or fix my car when I needed the help. But this car is at it's last legs & has left me stranded & she has THREE good ones sitting at her house when the truck goes back. Not to mention thousands in the bank. I don't know if it's early onset of dementia or what! But she is an angry unreasonable woman. I understand she's a widow & is mourning, but I think she uses that as an excuse for her behavior & only her feelings matter. She has told me that I am obliged to do things for her. I never said I wouldn't, but she likes to say these things. Mind you, when dad was wheelchair bound & using a comode, she would call him old man, yell at him & say she was going to get plastic surgery to look younger when he passed. I witnessed it & was disgusted & hurt & told her not to talk to him that way. There were a few times I thought nursing home would be better so he wouldn't have to be abused. She had control of his money so I couldn't just quit & move in. After he died she told me he cheated with a family friend I knew as a child. Sick. I don't know if it's true, but it's almost as if she wanted to smear his name since everyone was saying what a wonderful man he was. She portrays the sad widow & a sweet old lady to everyone outside. She wants sympathy & attention. Yes, he was all she knew for 50 yrs but she is being selfish & empathy s out the window. His niece doesn't speak to her. She has only seen her grandson & great-granddaughter once in the past year as she never invites them over. She never calls her grandson (my son). I believe she feels everyone should chase her & kiss her butt. The place my son (25) was renting at was foreclosed & he was temporarily homeless with wife & 1 yr old. I have no space at my place & she wouldn't allow him to temporarily move into her 5 Bedroom & 3 Bathrm house where she lives alone. Does any of this make any sense? You'd think she'd want to spend time with them. She says "no b/c he might stay permanently & I want to live alone plus I don't want to babysit." She doesn't think she'll get sick one day? She's 77.
One day out of the blue she said "my properties that my husband left me". It's like it's gone to her head. It's scary b/c all the properties will go under her name & there is no way I'm going to live with her & take care of her when she gets sick. I'm sorry. And she will need nursing home & Medicaid won't pay for it when she owns properties & if by some miracle she allows to transfer the deeds to her kids or add us or something, not sure how we could do this so that she qualifies for Medicaid....thing is I live in 1 property for the past 25 yrs, my mother in hers, my brother in another is his home & 2 others are the rental income properties. I fear we will all lose our homes to pay for years of Nursing home, Etc. In this I have no idea what to do, I am looking for I guess an Elder law atty or Real Estate atty that will know how to handle this if she should make a trust to protect where we live from Medicaid.
She refuses to take on hobbies or go to church like she used to and get involved in a group. She is anti-social with entire family except she talks to me & her sister, & her niece sometimes & they don't see what I see.

cheerleader, I can so relate to carrying water. My mother thought tap water was fine for 85 years. After I got here she decided that only bottled water was good enough. I bring home 3 packs a week now. She won't drink unless it is the little bottles.

My mom moved in with me 3 years ago and yes she drives me to my wits. I have Multiple Sclerosis and she wants me to cater to her. This means carry in a case of water, vaccum carpet every day, etc!!! I do what I am able, but it is affecting my health!! She tells my sibling I do nothing, but take advantage of her!!!! She gets around fine, but refuses to visit her grand-daughter and family! She has never even seen their house!!! I I do get out and go places, she is never happy always complaining!!!! Thank You for letting me vent!!!

What I noticed with my mother is that her personality intensified. Just like my father. The difference between the two was night and day.

My father was chivalrous to a fault! I mean most people could not handle how kind he was towards women and he was definitely a fan with everyone (men included) because he just was so caring but firm. Once he had his stroke and dementia started setting in, he could not remember current things, but he was still chivalrous towards everyone! And that personality just intensified and all the seniors at AL including staff just loved him to pieces. When he died at the hospital I was right by his side and he told me how beautiful I looked and that he loved me. Beautiful he was right to the end.

Then there was my mother. Dad always had control of her where he would nudge her elbow when she was getting out of hand with me trying to control me. Or he would have cues to give my mom. When dad had his stroke, her world collapsed. Then her true personality that I had only been "privileged" to see for so long, was not coming out in spades and now other outsiders or friends started slowly seeing it depending on the situation. By the time she was hospitalized, and up until her hospitalization, she was turning a grey pasty color. She was just wicked looking and those that knew her saw that. She died on her terms. Never said boo to me, never said squat. She was an asshole in the hospital refusing treatments and just shut down. When they moved her into hospice, she wasn't even settled and she was kind of in a coma, and she was there 15 minutes and just died. Hideous color, withered up.

I knew that the condition of the heart is very important in life. I watched two extreme opposites and their end of life. Huge difference!!!

My guess is that they must be the ones with the narcissistic or borderline personalities that we about so frequently here. It's almost like a mental health plague.

This old thread does bring up a new question with me. Why do many, many older people lose empathy with others? I can understand it more when there is dementia, since reasoning ability can be the first thing to go. But it happens so often when there is no dementia.

JUST GET YOURSELF FREE!

Thanks for the clarification!

Why does your mother have to live with you?

It is your house that she's living in as your guest and an abusive one at that.

No one deserves to be made to feel like they are a slave even if it is your mom and you only have one mom. You're not an appendage connected to your mom. You are your own adult person.

Here's my little song that I'm still working on.
50 ways to leave your abusive mother.

It is sad to see you in so much pain
I wish I could quickly make life happy again

The path to freedom is clear by approaching it logically
I want to help you make it better and get yourself free

There must be 50 ways to leave an abusive mother!

Just use the key,
Its name is boundary
use it to get yourself free!

Just make a new plan, Stan
Send her to assisted livin’, Kevin


There must be 50 ways to leave an abusive mother!

Put her on the little bus, Gus
No need to discuss much.

No I am 51 my mother is 84!! Sorry!!! MBMBMB

MBMBMB,

Is that a typo on your profile that your mother is 51?

Concerning being a slave, your mother groomed you to be one. She will not change. Only you can change by not dancing her emotional dance with her. She's emotionally blackmailing you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Read the thread "The Power of Emotional Blackmailers."
It covers, What is it? its origin? Its effects? How it's defeated by some? Why it's victorious over others?

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm?cpage=0&cm=440543#440543

Does your mother absolutely have to live with you in your house or could she go to independent or assisted living.

I wish you the very best!

MBMBMB--of course, no one understands because it's you and only you facing the The Beast. Waiting to be sliced to ribbons keeps you from seeing other realities away from cave you are in. MY Beast is 95 and getting meaner and stronger! Give yourself five minutes in the day and look at something incredibly beautiful without blinking--a flower, an art book print, the design of a beautiful dress, remember a phrase of a love song--that may give you a bit of a breath of courage. Feeling guilty is the DEFAULT of all of us subservient "good girl" daughters--I'm tired of feeling guilty for these 65 years. What I could have done if I had been free of her. Expand your five minutes to ten minutes each day or you'll end up feeling like you're under a wet electric blanket the rest of your life--you are too courageous for that. Best wishes to you and keep writing.

I work in healthcare and care take for a narcissistic, demanding mother. Sometime I just feel so depressed. Too many multiple demands... I am so exhausted and feel like no one understands.... Very had time right now. Feel guilty that I can't even enjoy her time secondary to being treated like a slave.

Hi all, We recently lost my Dad. He was both saint and devil. The devil part was the creation of the monster that is my Mom. She is adorable and spoiled. Unfortunately the latter (courtesy of Daddy) is the more prevalent persona. She insists on living in the house that my dad bought and fixed up for them - alone. Physically handicapped and health not at it's best at 81 is a recipe for disaster. My sisters and I have taken on the caregiver roll as promised to Dad. Mom is picky beyond repair, judgmental to an extreme, and has several lacking ADL's. Doing for her is a pleasure were it not for the drama and constant critiquing. Mom is of course the center of the universe. This is still early in the game and we are tired already. The love that her daughters have for her is her biggest asset. It is a shame that so often she completely misses that. Thank goodness that we have each other to lean on and vent. The oldest of us has medical issues now that are certainly related - per a doctor - to the stress adopted by being most available and responsive for/to Mom. Much effort has been put into finding services to assist in the daily living requirements. There will never be any facility or additional assistance. The former due to money and the latter is due to the insistence that no one is to be permitted in her house. "Rock and a hard place" scenario. I am sure that there are some opportunities in my town to support our caregiving stress, the biggest issue is time. All of us girls are self-employed so to speak. This includes brand new career, resume an old one, and trying to keep head above the water in the current career. What we need is a miracle to broaden mom's life - give her something to do besides clean and watch TV. My dad was her world for 6 decades. I will find some kind of support group – probably co-dependency to learn a better way to assist, help and thrive. Fitting it into a schedule already compromised will be the key. Thanks for letting me share.

My mom is 87, and my dad is 90. My mom especially is losing her memory. The doctor said it is because how her many meds interact with each other. It's driving me crazy on the days I visit her. I really feel sorry for her, she knows she forgets everything. Then I feel guilty sometimes on how I feel. It is so frusting

My mom is 87, and my dad is 90. My mom especially is losing her memory. The doctor said it is because how her many meds interact with each other. It's driving me crazy on the days I visit her. I really feel sorry for her, she knows she forgets everything. Then I feel guilty sometimes on how I feel. It is so frusting

Dear Jazzy1,
I'm sorry, I posted my first post on your discussion, not realizing that I should have been commenting on your initial post. I am new on this site, and just getting the hang of it. Thank you for understanding. And, JessieBelle, thank you so much for commenting on my post. I really do appreciate it and it's nice to know I am not alone on this difficult journey.

I know what you mean, justme. My mother tells me I do nothing for her, though I do everything for her. If I mention the things I do for her, she just says that I would have done it for myself, anyway, so it wasn't anything extra. In her mind she is no trouble at all. She really isn't that much trouble if you don't consider things like she has to have bottled water and certain grocery items that can be bought only at particular stores. Or that getting her trash near the can is close enough. Or that we live in a house that is too big and cluttered for me to clean unless I quit working.

Wouldn't it feel great to just be appreciated, justme? That would go a long way.

My mom is 90 and moved in with us 8 months ago. I never dreamed how exhausted, frustrated, resentful, tired and trapped I feel. I love my mom very much, but most of the time I feel distant from her and just plain angry at how she relies on me for absolutely everything, but has no clue whatsoever that she is doing so. I am astounded by her lack of insight into how this has all impacted my life. I'm reaching out to all of you with pleas of a way forward. I know, I need to take care of myself, but right now, it's just one more thing to do on my very long list of things to do (for my mother). My husband is incredibly supportive, but I have to wonder what he really things. I sound so negative. I am a positive person generally. Oh gosh, I'm just at my wit's end.

My mom is 90 and moved in with us 8 months ago. I never dreamed how exhausted, frustrated, resentful, tired and trapped I feel. I love my mom very much, but most of the time I feel distant from her and just plain angry at how she relies on me for absolutely everything, but has no clue whatsoever that she is doing so. I am astounded by her lack of insight into how this has all impacted my life. I'm reaching out to all of you with pleas of a way forward. I know, I need to take care of myself, but right now, it's just one more thing to do on my very long list of things to do (for my mother). My husband is incredibly supportive, but I have to wonder what he really things. I sound so negative. I am a positive person generally. Oh gosh, I'm just at my wit's end.

Be glad there are two of you .one of you can go to store and other stay at home with them.i take care of mom alone and stuck here unless I get friend or pay someone

My husband and I are taking care of his parents. His mother is 82 and His father as Alzheimer. Use to live with them. Now we got a RV. Every time my husband has to go to the store. He has to take his mother and his dad. Or his dad His father always rush out of the store. And we weren't finish shopping. When my husband comes home. He is in a bad mood. And we get in to a little fight. I cant talk to him.

nicenurse, you gave Riotsga very good advice. You do not have to deal with the care of your mother alone. You have been a wonderful daughter to her down through the years. Her alzheimers, as you know, is only going to get worse which will increase your anger, frustration and depression. Since she has nothing working on getting her on medicaid which some nursing homes will take and get her into one. It is not humanly possible for one person to give someone with alzheimers continued 24/7 care. Save yourself before it is too late for you and your mom ends up in a nursing home by default anyway.

worout55, it sounds like your mother needs another place to live because giving her 24/7 care by yourself is killing you as it kills many caregivers who are 24/7. When the pain of what you are dealing with becomes greater than the shame of people knowing what you are dealing with, I believe you will then find the help needed to have your mother placed in a nursing home. You are not alone in your pain and their is no shame in asking for help. Get past the shame and get help.

Riots ga, sounds like you need to place her in nursing home. I know you hate to do it. Some days I am ready, then just can't do it,because I know they will not look after mom like I do. It is a dilemma but I am all alone and may have to before long. If our moms were I their right mind,they would not want us to suffer.i feel your pain and emotional h*ll. I am depressed myself. Please get help. You can go and visit her, think of it like you are going to her home to help,only it will be 24 hour help in nursing home.

My mom is LITERALLY driving me crazy. I've been admitted twice to a behavioral health hospital and just can't do it anymore. I'm seriously considering moving out of state and let my two brothers deal with her. I feel so guilty to leave her as I'm the only daughter and I'm the eldest with two brothers. I may seldom have major depression and am on disability for it. I lost my career of 25 years after trying to care for my mother and work full time. I'm resentful, angry, and broke trying to take care of her. I'm so at my wits end.

You are not alone worn out. I am 63 and get so angry and frustrated some days and wonder what I did to deserve having responsibility of mom with alzheimers and only sibling left all money to his wife.i could use some for sitters. I helped mom all thru my life, bought furniture for her home, helped okay for used car etc. she raised us 3 kids on. Her own since divorced and father deserted us. I just don't understand except his narcissistic greedy wife talked him into it. I have limited income and no family,NONE. I cry some days because I don't want to put her in nh. She gets 1000 month soc sec and no assets

I am the only child and 54 years of age. I lost my beloved father a few years ago. Prior to his death I was responsible for he and my mother during there illnesses. I was always able to handle everything such as the cooking, cleaning, shopping, giving them medicine, taking them to the doctor's and just everything. Now I am worn out and not in good health myself. My mother's health has declined even more since the death of my father and she really needs to be in a Nursing Home. I once handled taking care of my mother with great grace but now I am just angry, respentful and worn out with the day to day care of my mother. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and I once felt if I lose my mother I would die, but some days I am just so worn out. The resources in my area are limited and I do not want people to know the truth about what I am having to endure with looking after my mother as I continue to work daily. Pray for me.

I have been caring for my grandmother since July. She lives with my mom, so we split the time we care for her. I also care for my 2 year old son and I am pregnant. I hate to even type this, but some days I just can't stand being around her. EVERYTHING she does annoys me. I used to look forward to spending time with her and we were very close. I just miss the person she used to be. It is also frustrating because it seems like some of the things she does are on purpose. I am so happy I found this thread to read that there are so many people that are having the same feelings I am.

Need a laugh? My mother, 85 with light dementia, rings a cow bell when she wants me to come to her room. Do you know what I want to do to that freaking cow bell. Especially when the rings are for: take my tray, pick up that speck off the floor, hand me the remote, what you doing, and scratch my back. I know how plantation staff must have felt. The bell was only to be used for emergency situations. The rings come at any and I say any time of day or night Once the bell was rung 12 times in one hour. Suggestion never allow a bell of any sort near them. I start to salivate now every time I hear that bell ring.