My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

Sylvester, you need to get your mom one of those cell phones that parents use to keep track of teenagers. Since she's acting like an undisciplined adolescent. I don't know enough about your situation, but sounds like mom needs to hit the bricks, into asst living/ nursing home/booby hatch whatever. And you're right, you are going to kill yourself off having to deal with this behavior.

I find myself racing around, angrily redoing the cleanup I JUST did 10 minutes ago, my mother cussing and calling me names, I've been called everything except a milk cow....she has went to the behavioral medicines floor at the local hospital on NUMEROUS occasions, they keep her for a coupla weeks, prescribe meds, (that she refuses to take after she gets home) and sends her on her way to reek havoc at home again...she got a cab last night, went to a bar, 78 years old mind you, then caught another cab and went to a motel for the night, She didn't even call me to tell me where she was, and she hasn't come home yet, and it's aftenoon. I am at my wits end and my siblings will not help me, I feel like this will eventually get the better of me and I will have a heart attack or stroke from the stress. I resent my Mother for what she has become and what a burden she has become to me and my plans. I could write more, but I feel this anger inside of me feeling like my upper body and arms are going to just explode into a million pieces. I don't know if I was cut out to do this....

vaterry...I know what you mean...many mixed emotions here too along with guilt for feeling that way...I guess you just move on and get over it. I think there are many on this site that feel the same...and not much of a life for them. Sad that they live that way now ..mad that they drag us into such a useless life and guilty for feeling that way. No win...

So much for being nice. Put her back in the nursing home, and let her be a tyrant to people that don't give a rats patooey.

there is something very weird going on in my home...Mom has been SWEET for a few days now...My husband and I wonder what's up. She had 2 0r 3 dr appointments last week...wonder what they told her...she keeps info she does not want to share very close to the vest. Guess I'll ask...wonder what answer I will get...if any. Just weird...when will the other high heel drop?

I love my mother but I don't like her.... She treats me like a child and will not take my word or advise for anything. She is bedridden and in early stages of dementia and in total denial. She insists she can walk if she wants to. She is bossy and very difficult to please. I am the only child and she was living in another state. I begged and pleaded with her to move in with me. I moved into a condo so that she would have her own room and on the day that I closed the deal and got the keys, she informed me that she changed her mind and did not want to move. Finally she became totally disabled and had to be admitted to a nursing home. I underwent major surgery and could not go get her for two months. I thought she would be so pleased to be here in a loving, comfortable environment, but she is like a tyrant with an extremely bad attitude. I love her and treat her with utmost respect even though she treats me like her worst enemy. I love her but I don't like her.

LOL, Stuck, you're fun!

how else may I not help you? gees yep..trying to do it quick..boss is here doing inventory...don't multi task as well these days...sorry...but interesting string huh?

lol that is the link to this post...I did find the one on BPD and I posted a saga there....oye veh! I wish they had smilies here..I would post the nutzy one...LOL

can you post the link here stuck

check out the boarderline personality disorder string...fits in many ways

sweetie, it just sucks, hope you can take a walk or anything to get you on track of who you are.

def...oye veh....ack...what can one say. Have you considered home caregivers or a facility?

jazzy...join the club...the We Are Going Crazy club! Yup a lot of us here know what you are going through...especially the ones that have NDP moms...(narcissistic personality disorders)

Yikes! Mom thinks her wheelchair is a toilet. 3 days ago I had to unscrew Mom's wheelchair seat to wash it. She had messed her pants while I was getting the laundry, and took her pants off and wet the chair. Yesterday, I gave her laundry to fold while I tried to prepare corned beef and cabbage for dinner.Go Irish! As you know, I have to restrain her to get things done. I have closed circuit cameras to keep an eye on her when not in the same room. Every couple minutes I checked to make sure she was folding clothes. Mind you, I was away from her for maybe 7 to 8 minutes. As I was finishing up, I took another look and saw a bare leg hanging out. I went to check on her right away, and found her naked except for her bra. She said she had to pee and took her pants off to go. I said you had a diaper on and she said it was wet, so she took it off. Not!!! It was dry, and she took it off to pee on the wheelchair, again!!! Of course it went right through to the rug too. It's getting crazier by the day. I can't even trust her when she is tied down. Today will be spent cleaning the chair and spot cleaning the rug. I can only imagine what she will come up with next!

Breathe deefer, breathe. I won't say I'll shut up but I sure do understand.

Gawd! I think I will just shut up now. This is heaven compared to what you have!

My helper went to Florida for 4 days and I am ready to blow!!! 12 hours a day with Mom is too much! I can't wait until she's back. After 2 years of 24/7 and only 1 night away, I need a break before I break. I have no patience with Mom at all anymore and my 6 siblings don't want to see what this is doing to me. I caught a bad cold last week and ended up having an asthma attack. I had to wait 2 hours for my brother to get here so I could go to the ER for a breathing treatment and chest x-rays! Then it was 4 days of trying to care for her while I was coughing my brains out. I know Mom can't help being the way she is, but when I was sick, she did not act out as much as usual. So who is fooling who?
Her long term care insurance has accepted her claim and soon I will have a helper 30 hours a week. If you haven't heard my story, Mom is in constant motion. No napping, no resting no peace! I have to use restraints on her so I can get things done. With Parkinsons, dementia, depression and anxiety, she's a real handful. It's going to be hard to place her when the time finally comes.
So for all of you out there that are going crazy, you have plenty of us to keep you company!!

HaHa.....:what's next...the funny farm?

Stuck it means

"you have just entered The Twilight Zone"

Your dream sounds like something people post here all the time; a reality. It happens.

My Mom is not at that point yet, but it is coming, I am sure. And I promise that I WILL NOT do this to my children. Once they are in your home it becomes more difficult to talk about assisted living or NH's. I do not look forward to that. She has only a small savings and her SS. Not sure what we will be doing. I think she knows she was getting to us and has been behaving lately. I had a dream the other night that I was trying to have a private conversation with my husband and she was constanly in the way. Wonder what that means?

Saintkiko I am in agreement with you and I don't mean to sound mean. My mom would be much better off in a NH herself. When she calls I can barely understand what she is saying and it is getting worse. I try to tell her things but I just have to keep repeating it all the time, I finally just say never mind a lot of times. It seems they just need so much and the more you give, the more they take. It's all so overwhelming.

Everytime my phone rings I'm hoping it's not my mom because I know she will want me to come over and do something, even though she has a primary care giver 12 hours a day.

I told her that my sonz were taking me to dinner at my oldest sons restaurant. What does she say: "bring me something back". Didn't she understand this was an outing for US.

I'm not saying a NH is the answer but we are not professionals and atleast she would have 24 hour care.

My mother has driven my sister and I crazy most of our lives because I think she has borderline personality disorder. She is so mean to us, even to her only granddaughter who is so sweet and quiet. She is only nice to her grandsons. Take it from me, if you can move her to a retirement home, do it. Get on with your life, and get joy back in your family. My Mom is financially broke that is why she is with us. I wish there were some government agency that could help her financially. Promise, Promise, all you women out there, that you will not knowingly do this to your own children.

My Mom has driven my sister and I crazy most of our lives. I think she has borderline personality disorder. She can be so mean, and when you tell her to stop being mean, she denies it. Then she tortures us saying we have broken her heart. Does she not realize how mean she is to us, our husbands and our daughters? She is only nice to her grandSONS.

I think you just need to put them in retirement homes and get on with your lives, before they destroy what little you have left of family joy.

It seems that you are fortunate in the fact that she has understanding and thought process to work on the computer. My mother cannot or ever could even use a microwave. So that in itself is a blessing.

It doesn't sound like the hearing aids. She could be having memory issues. To avoid the stress, sometimes its just as easy to nod and agree and move on. Have you had her tested for dementia?

Hello,
My mother who is 87 came to live with us at the end of January; (husband, 12 year old son & two dogs). She has always been demanding & selfish but full of energy. Now she sits in the kitchen on the laptop playing games & doesn't lift a finger to wash a dish, fold a towel, get herself a glass of water. What's up? She also doesn't hear. And the other day she insisted that I had said something that my husband & son, also verify that I never said. Then she got mad at me for refusing to say that I said it. ANyway. I guess I need suggestions for how to communicate with her. She wears her hearing aids but I think those things don't work.

Hi Anne, you've made some good points. And Mitzipinki, I like your thoughts on aging gracefully versus the alternative (ungracefully). Definitely, it is by God's grace whether we do anything successfully! Jazzy, so glad you've found another place for gather support. And I'm grateful for all of you sharing what works with all of us. Here's hoping your experience is blessed! I will be praying for each of you.

Anne, I think you make a good point. The brain disease of dementia is so disheartening. Everyone must deal with it the best they know how.

I will have to disagree with your insurance agent that people are living longer. Back in the OT people lived 800-900 years. Amazingly, God provided for them. But that's besides the point.

Caregiving can be different for everyone. I think God makes provisions for everyone if they do it with excellence and beyond. I know that as an only child, it was very difficult to do. But beyond that difficulty for the temporary time I had to do it.... I watch how God provided. I can't doubt or even question how God provided during that whole time. What I do know is that I am accountable for how I handle things presently.

This sounds crazy, but I am fortunate that I am able to see aging with the disease of dementia compared to aging ungracefully due to self-induced behavior. It is sad both ways. But it helps provide the grace necessary to accomplish the tasks necessary.

Thanks for sharing your experience!

Jazzy, I'm glad you found a local support group, and that you found this site. I may be joining an in-person support group myself soon. I can totally relate to what you said about feeling like your mother could drive you crazy. I have felt the same way about my Dad, whom I love more than life itself. I remember the moment that things "changed" , as far as relating to my Dad, when I realized that he was no fun any more. I feel guilty even typing those words, because if you had known my Dad years ago, you would have seen that he was a person who was kind to everyone and had the best, most jovial personality. Now he is like a different person. Initially I grieved the "loss of my Dad" by crying into my pillow at night, but now I seem to have adjusted. (But what a loss, and how difficult it is to have to be reminded of this tragic loss of a beautiful personality every time I see him.) I do need to set limits with my Dad, or he could indeed drive me crazy. My physician put me on an anti-depressant, and I have an emergency supply of Xanax if I'm ever in a "trapped" situation with Dad and simply cannot get away to alleviate my anxiety. I have noticed that Dad's friends from long ago are shocked the first time they see how his behavior has changed---like he has turned from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. Luckily we still have moments with Dr. Jekyll ( I think he's the nice one of the two!) and that is pleasant when it happens. It's so sad to see the demise of his once sparkling personality---This is one of those things in life that don't make sense ( like child abuse) and some day in heaven I guess I will understand. In the meantime, as the only child, I am determined to give my Dad all I can give and whatever love I can for the remainder of his life; at the same time I will keep setting limits to protect my own health so that I won't fall apart and so I'll be able to continue to care for him. In my case, Dad is in a "facility" and not living with me and my husband, so that makes a huge difference --and I applaud and respect anyone having their elder living with them. For me, the most difficult experiences were having to move first both of my parents out of their home into a senior facility ---with my father being vehemently opposed and already having had the personality change.......and then having to move my father ( after Mom's death) a SECOND time to another facility in a distant city. This second move was the one that almost did me in, and it was by the grace of God, and several "angels" that He put in my path to assist me, that I came through it. So I say to you, Hang in there! There are a lot of us in the same boat, some boats "heavier" with burden than others. But sharing does help. An insurance agent said to me that people are living longer than they used to, but "the brain has not caught up to the body" . My father's dementia and personality change are what are placing the burden on me. My mother died of cancer and was physically extremely weak toward the end; however she had no dementia at all, and for this reason caring for her was a breeze. Good luck to you and God bless!