My Elderly Mother is Driving Me Crazy

OMG. I can't believe there are so many of us. I really don't believe the support groups will help. Nothing will change the way I feel when I get up in the morning (or night) and that bitter old woman is sitting at my table, cooking on my stove, putting her "pull ups" in my trash can, answering my phone, usining my washing machine, and telling me and my husband what and where we are doing for her for the day. Sometimes I don't even get a cup of coffee before I have to jerk my clothes on and go warm up the car. We have to find a place to put them all.......ha ha

Stuck I am so sorry for you is there any way you and your husband could get a way every once in a while does she have any money she could use for paid caregivers to take her on at times if she does have any money she should use it for her care or decided to go on medicaide and get home care or go into a nursing home she probably live forever she has no stress like my husband was all the stress was on me and he never care what it was doing to me he did die last June but I had made the decision to have him placed I had no desire to care for a man who stated he hated me and just used me I deserved better-he died while starting the medicaide processes.

I do not envy you! I guess we need to realize that they become the child again and we are the parents. Children are all about themselves. It is a hard concept to grasp because we remember them as parents and to reverse roles isn't natural or easy. My mother is only 84 and is going the way of your Mother now....I can not imagine living this way for years to come. It has really put on strain on my husbands and my relationship...no privacy. No real time away...and we are less and less able to leave her. I know and understand your frustrations...and then we fell guilty for having those thoughts. I guess we just hang in there! Stuck

I need help, currently I'm taking care of my 90 yr Mother, who is not the most pleasant with her love ones. She moved in with us 3 months ago after her skilled nursing benefits were exhausted, we thought she would get somewhat mobil and be able to get around somewhat, this hasn't happened and she is total 24 hr care. The only thing she can do is feed herself, of course after everything is arranged and cut up for her, she can't walk on her own either, I must have both arms around her holding up even when she with her walker, she loses her balances all the time. My husband and I are not able to go leave together at all which is very hard. I have a niece come over and sit with her while I work, feeds her lunch and puts her to bed for her afternoon naps, luckily I work from home, which is good and bad. We have made the desicion that if she gets sick and goes back into the hospital, that's it, I will send her directly to a nursing home for the rest of her life. I have taken such good care of my Mother and she just doesn't appreciate it all. It's always been about her, when I try to speak with her and let her no I'm not having a good day and feeling a little stress she turns it into what about me. As my husband says, I have spend my whole life trying to obtain her acceptance of me. I promised my Dad 11 yrs ago I would always look after her, but I just can't do this any longer. I do receive skilled nursing at home now with a nurse once a week, and a bath aid twice a week since she has a catheter now. I am so happy that I found this website and can see there are people in my situation! I pray every morning & night for support for me to make it through the day and also pray for forgivness for my Mom on all her sins!

Thank you Pam, I had not thought of it that way. I just don't know if we can last that long. It seemed like a win win situation at the time..guess I did not have a clue. Stuck

Well I have to tell you that I admire your courage. You really stepped up to the plate and that was very unselfish of you. I think you're a winner already although I know things are tough.

My hat is off to you because you have a long road ahead of you.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Pam

Yea...thank you, I think we did. I thought we had a great relationship...now I remember that started when she remarried and moved away. She has alsays been all about parties but this is no party. I have no sibblings...Stuck

Stuck what kind of relationship did you and your mom have before this? Do you have siblings? Eightyfour and drinking are you serious?

Almost seems like you sold your soul when you bought that condo in exchange for that promise to take care of her.

I just got back from my counselor. I don't know what I would do without her and my sister who lives a lovely 900 miles away from me and my mom. Praise God my mother doesn't live with me and never will. My MIL lives with us, in a separate apartment downstairs, and has boundries. My mother has no boundries, no filters, no appreciation AND has never loved me unconditionally (as stated in the previous post). What kind of mother, when finding out I was sexually abused as a 5 year old by my oldest brother, pipes up with "You're not gonna cause trouble are you?". There you got it...my mom.

I have been reading Jazzy's and Neons coments and I think they are reading my mind. I googled My aging Mother is driving me crazy and foud this site. I am 63 and my husband is 58. We have only been married for 6 years and would still be newlyweds if we had not made the decision to move 160 miles to take care of my mother who is now 84. She is a very proud and stuborn selfish person. She has never worked a day in her life and acts like she knows all about it. She likes to quilt and sew or used to eventhough I don't know of a project she ever completed. She is on alot of heavy pain killers , anti depressants, and thyroid meds and other stuff..then at 3 she starts drinking. She is hard of hearing so we get to repeat everything. She wants to know everything that is going on in our lives but does not understand a thing so we get to explain it all to her. I work a full time job and ther is alot of stress that goes with it. I come hame and fix dinner so she will eat right and it has to be on the table by 7. By this time she is really loaded and no fun. She attacked my husbands Mother the other night verbally to my husband. Who the h does she think she is...ruined the evening for us. We do not have a life and have not been able to make friends here. No home life...no privacy. She doen't have any money to speak of and her place was mortgaged..probably because her husband had to to keep up to her spending. She played golf and bridge and went shopping...we call her the Queen...spoiled rotten. She has the master bedrm and bath and you can hardly get in her room it is so stuffed with crap...she never uses. We have the guest 3/4 bath with a shower stall so small I have a hard time shving my legs. We bought the codo from her for a good price and in return we agreed that we would take care of her. Seems I did not know my Mother that well as we had lived apart for so long. This is th biggest mistake my husband and I have ever made...seperately or together. I have learned to hate her for taking our "golden" years away. So sad. Stuck

Jazzy1, You are right! This website is very helpful and lets us know we are not alone. I have 6 siblings and I am the primary caregiver. I left my job almost 2 years ago to take care of Mom. Don't feel guilty about things you say or do. They are all part of the process of being alone with the same person without any relief. My mom has dementia, Parkinsons, anxiety and depression. The hardest is the dementia, because you can't make them understand why they can't do things the way they used to. She is also very OCD, and has to be in constant motion. Not a good thing because Parkinsons has made it almost impossible to walk without falling down. Because of the dementia, she can't remember falling. Her mind rolls from one thing to the next and she spends most of the day trying to get up to do God knows what!
If you have a local daycare, getting her in would give you time to yourself. Mom goes 3 days a week for 6 hours a day. If you have an area elder care service, they may pay for most of the cost if your mom qualifies. Your computer is a good place to start finding local services. They can guide you through different avenues that will get you some help, and time to yourself. I find my hobbies help keep me sane. I knit, make jewelry, and paint. I obviously can't spend as much time on my projects, but doing a little something for myself helps relieve the stress.
Glad to meet you and welcome! I'm sure you will find lots of help here.

Dear Mendi, Sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. I pray all is well with you. Thanks for the good words. You've been a blessing. Please take care, sweet lady.

Hey you guys haven't posted in a while but mom passed 4 months ago. No better and still anmgry at the world. Just collasped and dies about 5 in morning. I will miss her but I know she is probably allot happy now and in a better place. Be patient and remember your parents may be sick inside and you may not know all the answers but continue to love unconditionally as they did you. Its a tuff place to be in I know.Just keep them comfortable and remember they once loved you. They are scared and confused and just don't know what to do. Life in the end is never pretty no matter how its ending. Don't forget to tell your parents you love them everyday they need it also. Really down deep we all love our parents but aging has never been promised to easy. If your parents are still in pretty good shape best thing you can do is have them write down everything for you and where it is. This will also give them a peace of mind. God bless all of you and take care.I will keep you in my prayers. Mendi

If you take to long, sometimes the site will time out. I always select all of it and copy it before I paste it.

Don't be frustrated about posting. If you are here because mom is driving you crazy, well.... welcome to the club.

I had to get my mom's medical report from the last hospital/geriatric psych unit she was in and I was reading the reports. As much as I cannot stand her, I cried when I read some of this doctor's notes, etc. It breaks my heart to see someone so sad and so miserable, but yet at the same token I read some of her comments to staff about me, and I couldn't help but think, "There's the mom I know."

There's an old saying that is "Hurting people hurt others." It may be for our lifetime, it may not be, but its true. I'm trying to forgive mom. It's hard when I don't know the "why" behind the treatment I've received over the years, but in order to move on, God has asked me to do.

I still can't spend more than 15 minutes or so at a time, but I realize the hurt. Boundaries with tough love. The toughest job of all.

I just wrote out a paragraph, poured out my feelings about my mother driving me nuts and the post was not excepted. Now I'm doubly frustrated.

I am certain that for everyone here - there isn't a day that goes by when we aren't crying on the inside, if not on the outside. The tears come for a number of reasons - sometimes it just feels good to sob, other times we think of the future, or the past, or the present - and tears flow - we see how things are, we remember how things were, and we remain hopeful on how things will be - later today, tonight, tomorrow. Like everyone else here, I cry too. I am exhausted at times too. But, by the Grace of God, (or maybe my daily bottle of whiskey - just kidding - I don't drink!) I am able to, somehow, remain focused in the moment most of the time. And, to me, for me, that is what matters the most. TO BE ALIVE AND AWARE IN THIS MOMENT. While this website is a wonderful safe haven for us to lounge like a lizard for a moment or sit at the bar and tell our thoughts to the non-judgemental "bartender," for me, I must turn every potentially sad, negative, unkind thought immediately into a thought about my blessings, the good stuff, the fact that I am exactly where I have chosen to be and want to be. Quite honestly, sometimes it is really hard for me to read some posts here - while it is awesome to have a place where we can be "brutally" honest with how we feel about things - I cringe and shutter to think about the people being cared for when we sometimes are less than whole - less than kind - less than loving - not on purpose, maybe from exhaustion, fear, whatever. We can stand. We can go to the bathroom alone. We can dress ourselves. We can prepare our own meals. We can do cartweels. We can get up and walk out of the room. Of all my challenges and responsibilities and experiences throughout each day, the one that seems to push me to the brink of jumping off is when my loved one cries. It makes me feel so bad, so useless, like I am an awful caregiver that I am not able to identify and meet the need straightaway. My loved one's crying - as sporadic and unexpected as it comes -makes me cry. And I can't afford to be sad. To be depressed. To be angry - at anyone. There's no time for that. There's no energy for that. So I hold my loved one and no matter how exahusted I am, I find out what it is that is making my loved one cry - and I do my VERY VERY BEST to make things right, to make things better. My loved one has a right to cry. So do I. But we can't dwell on that. Those tears can lead to a downward spiral that would be very difficult to climb out of. So I remain hopeful, we do activities to strengthen the mind and body and soul, and we laugh a lot. For a while I was angry at my siblings. Not that i wanted any reprieve - there was no where else I wanted to go and no other place I wanted to be - but I just wanted them to want to be here - for them - and for our loved one. And then, one day, by the Grace of God - I let that go. It just vanished. All that worry and resentment and confusion and misunderstandings and phone calls asking when can you come over, etc. - all that went away. And what happened? They came around. They come around. They call. They write. They do considerate things. They tell ME they love ME and are sorry they every hurt me. Hard to believe. And yet, so simple. I let all that BULLSHIT go and freed up more energy and time for my loved one and my life to make our lives even better - and it all took care of itself. I know it might be hard, but I can only recommend that you act AS IF you are strong and joy-filled, and happy and kind and patient and compassionate all the time - UNTIL YOU ARE again. Go into the room with a smile. Make that late-night snack.

I ditto the "very well said," as I was going to write that last night, but didn't want to be accused again of "overposting." Neon, your's was very well written, also. My I love this site.

very well said valencare =^_^=

hONEY GUILT SERVES NO PURPOSE BUT TO MAKE YOU GUILTY, YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR MOTHERS BEHAVIOR ANYMORE THAN i CAN CHANGE MINE i WANT HER TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR LIVES BUT SHE CHOOSES TO STAY IN HER ROOM SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS NOT YELLING as for your sisters relationship with your mother you have no control over that and when your mother starts just say you will have to discuss that with her and start talking about something else everytime she brings it up say call sister and find out and go on to something else. I know it is hard but once you do it 4 or 5 times she will get the hint and don't take it home with you make your home your haven. and Rules are rules and just tell her you taught me to go by the rules so guess the rules are for everyone mother even you. Good luck and go to calgon country the holidays are coming and you want to enjoy them with your family make it a point to do so. In christian love Cheryl

I had been taking care of my mother for five years. Just last month she had to go to the nursing home. She is driving me nuts with all the complaints she has, trying to get me to agree to take care of her again full-time, making me feel guilty about what I can't do for her now. Today she was trying to ask me to bring her medicines that the were not on her med list or prescribed by her doctor, trying to get me to bend the rules at the nursing home. Then I also have to explain away to my mom my sister's behavior in not inviting her for Thanksgiving dinner and not coming to visit very often, or my sister hanging up on her. When she starts to drive my sister crazy, my sister just hangs up on her on the phone, or leaves if she is visiting. Hard to have to explain that away to mom. I guess I am just caught in the middle all the time.

Dear All--
We have my elderly dad living with us (and our 2 teenagers and my husband), we try to keep in mind that our elderly parents are just that .... elderly. With that comes a certain degree of childish behavior, selfishness and "tunnel vision" wherein their lives are only about THEM. It's really okay when you keep it in proper perspective, and treat them as kindly and considerately as you can. We don't get any help from my brother, or any other relatives. But we've networked with our good friends, who look in on my dad when we're out of town, or need a vacation. There are other vacations when we take dad with us. If he gripes or gives us a hard time about it, we simply explain that's what's been decided .... there are also vacations he's included in .... and this one we're taking on our own. End of story. We're middle-aged adults, and we draw the line in the sand. YOU make the decisions that you need to, and don't allow your parent to guild you out of them. It's a sacrifice, and often an inconvenience, caring for our elderly parents .... but it's also very loving for them and rewarding. Let's all tough it out for the right reasons, and try to look beyond the temporary annoyances.

Yes mom is very aware of the importance of having this procedure done. Her ability to make that decision is only hampered by her own stubbornness and refusal to believe that her health is as bad as it is. Yes she has congestive heart failure and had her bypass when I was pregnant with my daughter, over 21 years ago. I'm almost positive that she has decided to have the procedure done, but she wants to try and get in touch with some of her children first. I've told her that it's up to her to call the doctors office and tell them she wants it, as it has to be her decision and come from her. She did say that she wants to live for more that the five years the doctor is giving her heart to last in the condition its in.

The squeeze ratio of her heart is at I believe 15% compared to the 40%+ that it -should- be at. Her heart is weak and she had a bi-pass surgery years ago. If I am correct and My mother can correct Me if I am wrong My grandmother has congestive heart failure. Don't quote Me on that.

Yes, she knows full well whats going on, she has full cogniction about the current situation of her health. If it were up to Me or My mother.. she would already have had the procedure done. The doctor wants to put in a pace maker as well as a defibulator and a third wire along with that to strengthen her heart.

Dinner is cooking and the Father is Home, so I'll be back a little later to talk and or yammer away some more.

Her life depends upon her decision? Does she have the cognitive ability to understand? Will keep you and your family and grandmother in prayer.

Thank you SecretSister.. I just do what I can. My mother taught Me well.. most of the credit goes to her wether or not she wishes to believe it.

My time will come when I can take care of Myself.. I just wish it was now but due to the circumstances at hand.. I don't see it happening for a little while longer yet and that I think I'm slowly starting to accept.. don't like it.. but thats the way things go. My family comes first.

Neonwocky Oh I know girls younger than My age who are pregnant or already have a child.. its saddening to see it.. if I can't take care of Myself muchless provide for My family the way My heart aches to.. how in the world could I care for My own child? I couldn't, it would be absoluetely impossible. When the day comes that I have kids.. I want and -need- to provide them with a good sturdy home and steady income so they can live a proper life.

The appointment went fairly well, I just hope and pray that the doctors words rang true within My grandmother's ears and that they sink in deep. She's got a big decision to make. Her life depends upon it wether or not she knows it. There's nothing that Myself or My mother can say anymore.. its up to her now.

Sometimes.. I wish I were Super Woman, but alas. I'm not.

I think it is just my nature actually I think its my survival kit being a SA Yes you have a lot on you for your age I know woman your age with their first baby and they can't handle it. It's pathetic well have fun at the cardiologist your grandma probably went to the same medical school my mother did and got their BS degree

CemetaryWolf, you have a lot of insight for a 21 year old. I'm impressed. What a sensitive heart you have. Thanks for the "actions speak louder than words," reminder. That brightened my day! Please remember to take care of you, too.

Thank you.. the username I came up with a while ago. Mom doesn't care for it though.

Being a smart ass is like.. second nature to Me.. ask My mom. Haha.

I considered getting a place with My grandmother before she actually moved down.. I couldn't possibly now.. Its so difficult to juggle not only My grandmother.. My mom and taking care of her and then showing the concern for my father that I do.. I have no time or even any clue of how to have a personal life.

I feel like I'm splitting into like 5 and I'm not trying to take away My mom.. she knows I love her, I would hope that my actions have proved this. Perhaps not My words at all times.. but atleast My actions.. as the saying goes actions do speak louder than words.. it was My momma who taught Me that.

Anyways.. Sorry for the minor rant.. its time for grandma's cadiologist appointment.. I'll bring a body bag just incase.. 3 generations in one tiny car... oh the joys!

You are a good daughter and May God bless you i llove your user name by the way. very creative. Well unfortunatly todays society is mostly about themselves and their things and greed and sex it's splashed all over the tv iE everwhere. So who do we blame for the mess our country is in??? my guess probably us we think more of a celebrity dying than our own parents /grandparents. I to have two siblings my brother hasn't seen my mother or called her since we buried my father in 2007 I've left several emails phone messages my space messages no replys so as far as I am concerned and I really don't like to say this but they can kiss my ass. my sister sends cards at the appropriate time and is too busy with her life she doesn't want to hear about it so when it is time for my mother to go I will put on myspace sorry I haven't been on for awhile been taking care of moms funeral arrangements see what they have to say about that yep I can be a smart ass to.

I dare say... seeing My grandmother the way she is now... is not how I last saw her over 8 years ago.. granted she was still short of breath and the narcolepsy has always posed a problem.. but My god.

I don't ever recall her complaining just about every little thing, every little ache and every little pain. I understand that her age comes in and plays a few factors given the fact that she's 78 years old but this isn't an insane asluym.

She does nothing all day, grunts and groans when I merely mention the fact that she should do a breathing treatment or remind her to put her oxygen on at night. She doesn't hardly eat.. when she came down 4 months ago she was a hefty 178... and now.. she's down to probably 138 if not less. That much weight loss in such short of time for an elderly person is not good.. and I'm -not- a doctor! Im just the 21 year old granddaughter.

It kills Me to see the effects of what this is doing not only to My mom.. but My grandma and also My father.. this is destorying this household.

My mother as she mentioned had 8 siblings.. 1 helped My grandma down here.. grandma talks to a few of the other kids.. but in all honesty? they really could careless.. it really doesn't take much to drive 30 minutes out of one's day to pick up the mother that one says that he or she loves and spend the freakin' day with them.

I struggle to understand and comphrehend today's day and age.. how humanity works.. I just.. flat out don't get it.

This is the second grandparent I have seen wither away before My eyes.. I don't think that My mom can handle it for much longer.