I'm beginning to think that siblings that do not visit their elderly parents (if they live in the area and have the time) are dysfunctional.

Don't know about your situation but there are plenty of parents out there that were dsyfunctional, bipolar, narcisssitic, self centered people that left their kids scarred and left with next to no empathy or desire to stay in touch with their parents. My mother is a borderline personality self centered person that is very hard to be around on a regular basis. We all got away as soon as possible. She was good at making herself look like the poor mom with the bad kids. We all stayed in touch but kept our distance to protect ourselves from her rages and poor me pity parties. When she made a bunch of bad mistakes and lost her house and went bankrupt, I let her move in with my family, which was right after my husband died. I thought it would be for a year or two. It's been five. Now my kids stay away as much as possible. So do my siblings. My house use to be the one everyone wanted to come to for parties and holidays. Thanks mom. The older a dsyfunctional person gets, the worse they usually get. Honor they mother and father is BS when the person is mentally ill.

My sister always drives right by our house at least twice each day. I live with and care for my parents while struggling to have a life of my own. When I'm pulling out my hair or if parents are really sick, I can call and sis will come by for an hour (about every 4 mths). Other than that, she supports and encourages me to keep going when I call her all frustrated. I feel trapped while she goes on 2 vacations per year, has a social life, and camps out, plays all summer. I have 1 son at home whom I have no time for, hers are grown/gone. Sure, I get upset, but I think it's more jealousy than anything. When they are no longer here, I can be comfortable in my own skin that I did what I could. My sister might not sleep well at night knowing she passed up opportunities to share their life/wisdom. But I do love and cherish my sister and when my parents are gone she is all I will have left from my childhood family.

Whitney, do not suffer in silence. Please at least let your brothers know your mom's needs. They may not respond, but you will feel better as mom's primary care giver, for sharing the challenges and issues. If you keep them to yourself, you have done a dishonor to your mom and placed yourself in the role of victim. You are now mom's advocate and caring for yourself and her must encompass every resource available - including your brothers.
My mom is 85 and in early stages of dementia; I have POA. We are seven, able bodied siblings but do not see eye to eye on her care. I have the one brother that can't stand to see mom getting worse and consequently, avoids contact. I have two other brothers that live with her and take advantage of her forgetfullness - i.e., using her income for their needs. I have called the elder abuse hotline to see where I may intervene with the living arrangements - BUT - mom is still very functional and just needs assistance primarily with her business dealings. My sisters help in every way to support mom and I.

I find this one thing to give me peace when no one else steps up, dad asked me to "take care of your mother" as he lay dying - almost daily for two months. My oath was to him and he was such a great father, I am always striving to give my very best. Is it fair? Who says caring about an aging parent is fair. Is is inconvenient? My mother sacrificed so much so that I could enjoy the fruits of her labor. Is it expedient? You bet! I have a wonderfully blessed relationship with my sisters and mom - one of trust and commitment. We are winning even if all the dogs aren't in the race!

Some people are just plain selfish. I have one brother who has always thought about himself and done what he wanted. Even his own adult daughters feel the same way about him. This is the only time that I can remember that I've reached out to him for support with ME taking care of our father. He knows how difficult he can be and the problems I'm facing. He lives 3 hrs away. I understand he can't be here everyday, every week but he certainly can come more often. He also can do things even with living at a distance. He can make phone calls, give some input on other things such as repairs that need to be made. Show some concern, offer something. I've also thought about my relationship with him when my father goes. In saying that, my father has always been an intiminating, stubborn, controlling man. My brother's way of handling it, when he retired, was move away. He could never confront him. The last time I talked to my brother I told him, under the circumstances, he should call more often. He agreed. That was about a month ago.

I can certainly relate to all and I am JUST the DIL who has been carding for my MIL for almost 4 years now! She's 89 with vascular dementia she can no longer walk and totally incontinent. I've taken care of her thru 3 surgeries, sickness and currently with major degenerative hip disease and waiting on whether I'm getting a hip replacement but in constant pain, my husband has 4 sisters two of them live live nearby, one of the less than 10 mins away! Two of them have stepped up but are limited. The other pops in once a week to just sit with my MIL. It boils my blood because if anything physical needs to be done she sends her daughter to do the dirty work and I can see its getting to her as well. It's a VERY stressful job. And no my husband will not put his mom in SNF because he said he won't give up on his mother, but on the other hand he isn't the one taking care of her 24/7! So as terrible as this sounds I'm almost praying for the hip replacement soon because that will be the ONLY time I would be able to rest. Terrible thinking I know, but without consistent help I'm burning out very fast and my health and my family are the one paying for it!

From what I've observed in life so far, many times it comes down to what the Bible says, "You will reap what you shall sow". How many times have you heard of a parent that was rotten to their children when they were growing up, suddenly expect those same kids to take care of them when they are ill? What about the siblings that have never been close growing up, that had animosity amongst themselves get upset that those same brothers/sisters when they won't pitch in and help with mom and dad now? A person isn't going to wake up one day and say, "Oh my gosh, I've been living my life wrong all these decades. I need to reach out to my family that I've been mad at all my life and change everyone's attitude!!" I believe a family is like a marriage, you have to nurture it at the beginning in order to reap the rewards when it's older. In my family, it was my mom that insisted we spend every birthday and holiday together as a family. That was much simpler when I was little, much harder when we all grew up and moved on with our lives. But we did it anyhow. I am 60 years old and even though mom is gone, we still get together for every single birthday and holiday just like she established in the beginning, and refresh the family's bond. Now I'm not saying that everyone has to do what we did, but the premise is the same. If you don't establish those family bonds at the beginning, how in the world can you expect them to be there later in life? I suppose it's possible, but it'll be much harder and everyone would have to be on the same page. And getting a bunch of adults to bond after so much water has gone under the bridge...well good luck with that. :(

I can relate to this post! I have 4 sisters,1 step brother and 3 step sisters! They all live 20 or less miles away,, No one calls here for my dad NOT even my dads wife! 2 sisters were no shows for my dad's 78th Birthday party and didn't even call! My dad has always been there for each of them their whole lives.. He's sweet and gentle. They show him no care or love... Once in a blue moon they will call and cry to him how they miss and love him and then feed him with excuses..... It boils my blood... I am defiantly not going to be in touch with his wife whatsoever after the fact. I'm on the fence about my sisters.. They weren't brought up this way and I try to express even a phone call would make him happy but still don't. I gave up trying and am so Thankful my dad is living with me!

I don't mean to be unpleasant, but this sounds a bit judgemental. Your situation may be one where you feel frustrated with your sibling for her lack of participation and that is completely understanable. But to judge all situations that way would not be correct. Sometimes family dynamics are so dysfunctional and aimed so much at a particular family member, that the family member feels that they have to walk away.

Having experienced dysfunction in my family of origin and in my husband's family, my motto is that "Just because you share DNA is no excuse for poor behavior from your family". Of course there are exceptions, such as dementia or severe chronic pain, something that would make the parent act out of character.

I can tell you personally, I treat my FIL much better than his own daughter does, yet he disrespects me and hopelessly chases after the daughter that will never give him the approval he seeks. I feel like just walking away from the whole situation myself.

I really do understand how this came to be,All our kids were raise the same, we had two daughters and three sons, Our girls have always been very helpful the sons on the other hand are very selfish.The girls were up to last years when I lose my sweet daughter of age 47,so so hard on me but not untill she was gone from my life did I feel the great loss more so untill now. I am older my wife needs more help as I do.Daughters are by nature ,helpful caring,compasion,son are into their toys, even churchbecause it serves as an excuse to not visit us. The other son of guns do not because again the same things or into the wife relatives. but we all live from day to day anyway!! You should get a lot of feedback on this ,good luck ,Johnnycares

My sister worked across the street from the nursing home I first put mom in back in 06. She drove right by mom's residence twice a day ..she never ONCE stopped to visit her. I lived 20 miles away and visited mom often at different times of the day to make sure she was being cared for. BUT...I do believe my sister is very dysfunctional. As a child she only cared about herself and would blame others for things SHE did which got the other child in BIG trouble...(being picked up by the ears and carried into another room). She never 'grew" out of that type of behavior and now at 56, she is STILL a bully. She's bullied me for years and years. Over the years, I would attempt to ask her "why do you treat me this way" and she would always say...I don't want to talk about it. OF COURSE she doesn't. It would be admitted that she is a BULLY and always has been. I've always been the opposite of her...a pleaser since childhood. She also has cancer now and I know this sounds bad but, I don't feel ONE BIT sorry for her. KARMA is alive and well. When she bullied me with her drinking buddies about 3 years ago, I told her "That's it" and I had no contact with her for 2 years. Meanwhile, I have always cared for mom...took care of all of her paperwork, bought her shoes, clothes, took her to all appts., took her to funerals, took her to visit relatives..etc. etc. etc. WHen I see the NH is neglecting her, I bring her home to live with me again. It's always been this way.I had brought mom home to live with me again after the NH abused mom back in Dec, 2011. Something kept telling me..."call your sister". Mom was on hospice, she was SO bad when I brought her to live with me. SO, I finally gave in a called the PERSON who is supposed to be my sister and told her. ..Mom is on hospice, she'd appreciate it if you would come and see her. Well, sister came alright....but NOT to see mom. She barely said, "hi" to mom as mom lay there in the bed. Sister then began telling me ALL about the day she was told she had cancer and blah, blah, blah, blah. I didn't care at all but I never told her. I just listened. She stopped by to "visit"...like nothing had ever happened ...all those years of bullying me. She never once said she was sorry..in fact, the subject never came up. She wasn't there to see mom. THAT made me mad but still I never said anything. My house is on her way home from work and TO work. She didn't have to go one minute out of her way. She stopped by three times during those 4 months mom lived with me and NONE of the visits were to SEE MOM or even TALK to mom. Then, out of the blue she calls and asks me to come to her house on Friday to get some tomatoes..she had been making salsa and had SO MANY. When Friday came, I called first to see if she was awake at 2pm and I should have known...She wasn't even home but at a friend's house in the pool...drinking it up and having fun. THAT was the last straw for me. I guess she started feeling a bit "badly" about that day and a week later she stops by my house with a bag of 6 TINY tomatoes in it. I didnt' even want to see her face. She hands me the bag and I look inside to see the poor little tomatoes and was going to just take the bag WHEN she says, "Uh, well..you only need one or two, don't you???" OMG. She is the most selfish, self-centered, bullying person I've ever known in my life. And, I have known her longer than ANY of her so called.."friends'..drinking buddies. I sent her a letter telling her I wanted nothing more to do with her and not to EVER stop by AGAIN. DYSFUNCTIONAL....YES!!! Alcohol and partying at her age...even with cancer and the cancer meds she's on...she won't stop. I'm glad to be "rid" of her. Sorry for the long rant!!!

I am sorry if your siblings seem to not care, and maybe they don't. But for me, it is hard for me to see my mother's decline. I am sure I am an accountant because I never would have been a good nurse, but it doesn't mean I love my mom any less. I find it depressing and almost physically painful to go see mom. That bing said, my sisters understand how hard it is for me. I don't think either will cut me off after mom goes. Now, maybe you can ask the sibling that doesn't visit to take on some other role. I pay mom's bills, do her banking and some of the legal work. Have you ask for some other type of help from your sibling that doesn't visit? Maybe they just don't know what's needed to take care of mom or dad. Ask them why they don't visit, maybe it's just too hard, we are not all alike, how boring a world - or family - if we were all the same. JMO!

Here4her, I know what you're saying. I feel that my brother has such strong beliefs that he convicts himself for not being more involved. His job keeps him on the road a lot, as does his church. I believe he convicts himself enough that I don't need to add any extra. One person can only do so much.

Jessiebell. I say BS. If he is a Christian. Honor thy mother and father. Just an excuse if he lives close

In my case, both my brother and I are not working due to various disabilities. I cannot say whether my brother is dysfunctional or not, I know he has never shown an ounce of compassion toward anyone during my lifetime. And, as to half crazy, well, I passed that point a long time ago. ;)

I forgot to add that I don't think either are terribly dysfunctional. They are just busier than I am. I work at home, so fit what was needed. Now, I might be majorly dysfunctional myself. Usually I think I'm half crazy and getting more so every day I remain a caregiver. :)

This is my first posting and I want to say that I understand your comment 'I am still considering whether or not to keep in touch with my sister when our parents are no longer around'. I am taking care of my 82 year old mother and I have no help or support from my older brother, who lives 30 minutes away. I do believe that when my mother is gone (my father passed away June 2011) that I will never have anything else to do with my brother. But, in our case we have never been close and this is the final straw for me. If he cannot help me now, then I have no use for him later. I know this does not help you, but I wanted you to know that others are in the same situation as you. I wish I had an answer for you and all the others going through this.

Everyone's situation is different. I have a brother nearby that has a family of seven, including himself. He is the sole bread winner. He is also very active with his church, which takes a couple of days of his time. He is totally committed to both his family and church, so it leaves little time for other things. Because he has strong Christian beliefs, I can tell that he feels bad about not being more involved. I do not expect him to do any more than he does, because it would be a terrible burden on him. I do not have the responsibility he does.

The other brother lives many states away, so it would be impractical to expect him to do much.