I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
That's where I am at for the time......
My Mom is still alive! She had lived with me since my Dad died and none of them call her or visit...
Don't tell me not to judge them! There actions speak for themselves!!!
Girl I hear you loud and clear. I have 4 siblings and only one is in the picture once every two months out of guilt. Special days come and go and no phone calls or visits from any of them. I love having my mom close and know she loves having me as her main caregiver. They will pay in the end with guilt and we will sleep well at night. Stay strong :)
Gosh what a "great guy he is". Let it go and forgive him you did the right thing and you can live with that he will get his!!!
But do I hate my siblings, no, things have just turned out the way they have turn out. I don't like my sister's personality and wouldn't befriend her if she were a stranger, we just wouldn't get along, but I won't intentionally mistreat her. If she has a problem with me, she just needs to take it up with Someone bigger than both of us.
Rambling I know, thinking out loud I suppose.
My mum would ring me up and ask when he was going to visit but he was too busy. He would pop and see her on mothers day for 10 minutes and then go off and take his mother-in-law out for lunch while my mum used to ask me why he would never take her out. He would only care about what looked good to other people. I was so angry for many years as I couldn't cope with my own life being a single mum and building a career and trying to look after my mum, not just for a few months but for years. But now she has gone I feel privileged that I spent time with her, I got her help for her physical health problems, I cleaned up after her, washed her, got help from social services, sorted out her finances, took her out for Sunday lunch or made her dinner every Sunday, took her on holiday with me, went to all of her doctor appointments with her. He is a fake. Now after years of being single I have more time to start a relationship and the heavy weight of caring for a sick mother is off my shoulders but I can and will never forget how he behaved.
I cant believe this what on earth does he even know about the disease?
If they have enough integrity, perhaps they'll make a donation. But if they had that sort of integrity, they'd see a bit more of their mother, wouldn't they? You just have to let this one go.
One brother had to finish off decorating the bathroom. And start decorating a bedroom. So he hadn't any time. He would quite literally rather watch paint dry than visit his mother.
The other brother booked a time-share holiday "ages ago" and didn't realise it clashed with our mother's 90th birthday. I don't know how far in advance you have to book a time share, but mother's event has been in the diary for 90 years.
I will say this for my sister: she never, ever makes excuses. She says "no." And THAT I can respect.
But this is what makes me sad: where did my three siblings, all brought up in the same family as me, get the message that spending time with your elders is an ordeal to be avoided as far as humanly possible, rather than a natural part of a well-rounded life? I don't expect them to be down here every week, in fact I'd go mad if they were; but I can't understand what they're so afraid of that they can't schedule her in, say, every three months or so. How hard can it be to come and eat lunch?
That said, they have excluded me from all decision making, all financial power, all family secrets, everything. So what do they expect? This is what THEY have done not me.
And no I will not take care of mom. She has told too many lies for me to stick my,hand in that snake pit.
So my point is we all have different scenarios. And there is no reason for a child to be forced to personally care for parent if their gut tells them it is just not going to work.
Don't get me wrong I still talk smack about them. Lol. They deserve everything they get! I have just learned to accept the fact they won't help. I still get upset over things like you said with seeing my siblings having lives and going away without a care in the world. If I go away I worry about my mom and call her every day. My time away is never as relaxing as I fantasize about because of the worry.
I've try the "just move on" attitude but then something comes up and I am unable to spend time outside of my house with my own child or have them over .It pisses me off!! I can't even enjoy their time hear because I have Mom to deal with. For the last 2 years I would have them come to me because it's easier than leaving here, but now coming here is more stressful for both Mom and me..
I just want to cry! I can't even have my kids over but my siblings can go away for weekends and do whatever they want, whenever they want...
So I've decided I'm not looking the other way and I will continue to talk smack about them, if only to myself..