That's me. here is my story, DO I? Does anyone else feel like it is unfair for family members to use the excuse " Because you live there for free" every time there is a discussion about living with and caring for your elderly mother or when something needs to be repaired at her home? There are other issues involved because it's not just family members , SHE says this all the time as well.
I was the only single female child in the family 13 years ago when my mother bought a 3 bedroom home close to all 3 of her children. It was actually directly behind my duplex and I could go through the fence and be in her backyard. I knew then that I would eventually need to move in with my mother and at first it would be beneficial to me as well as her but I knew at the time that at some point she would need for me to be there ,that was 8 years ago.
Once I did, the family, as well as my mom started to answer any requests for help by stating "you should do it because you live there for free" anytime anything needed getting done like unstopping the sink, fixing plumbing that required a plumber ,paying all of the electric bill and mowing the yard or paying half the cost of someone else to do it. The first words out of everyone's mouth is ........ "Because you live there for free" when I asked my older sister to have her husband come mow he did it once. My older sister's husband actually wanted to be paid and resented any requests for help.
My older sister has never taken my mother anywhere, EVER. She lives less than 3 miles away and calls twice a month, once a month to say " Hi mom , just wanted to check in" followed by the second call 2 days later "can I come over and see you, (cue the tears)... I need help"
Now my older sister is a widow and comes to my mom's house once a month to cry and beg for money for her medicine ( oxycodone addiction) or for her rent. She calls it borrowing but never pays it back. Mom admits she NEVER wants to have my older sister living here..... EVER !!!
I have one younger sister that is wonderful, she and my mom both love casinos and she takes mom all the time. My sis and my mom can afford that 2 or 3 times a week, I cannot.
Other than that my mom does not leave her recliner. I cook and grocery shop, run errands and do VERY light cleaning . In the last 8 years things have really changed and I knew they would. She is now 83 and has very little stamina. She has advanced Crohn's, emphysema, is deaf in one ear and has a heart valve problem. I do the equivalent of a "live in companion" for free. The bottom dollar value of a live-in companion who gets room and board ( does not pay any utilities or any cost of food) plus a salary for being a caregiver is........ wait for it ..... $2000 per month, at the bare minimum. I pay my mom about 250.00 per month so I can live her ( for free) and take care of her. My mother likes to consider herself independant and so to re-inforce this belief she refuses to buy anything that could make her quality of life better and easier for me to care for her, such as hearing aids, a mobility scooter or even a rolling walker. She can well afford thing things but I think she doesn't want to admit she is getting old (she's 83)
I pay ALL of my own expenses, all of my own food and a portion of her expenses that she would have to pay even if I were not here. My mother is firmly in the opinion that she is saving me "tons of money" by letting me live with her and would feel that way even if she were bed-ridden and paralyzed because what I contribute has no value.
I know this sounds like we have a toxic relationship but I do love her,she just cannot say those 3 words unless we make her say it, and I am trying to care for her and even though it is easy for others ( older sis and my mom both say this) to say " If you don't like it then move" they know I cant and they know I wont. Someone has to be here. My father had a heart attack many years ago, I was living in California, my 2 sisters lived in the same town as he did. He had been dead 4 days before anyone noticed that the newspapers were piling up on his drive and called police to check him out.
So thats my story all of it is true and I want to know ..... Do I really live here for free and am I really just using my mom for a free place to stay? That's kind of how my mom feels about it although she wont outright say it.
As far as her estate what ever is left after she is gone will be divided 3 ways so she wont be playing favorites. A senior living village is out of the question because it would eat up all of her estate so the solution is : Just have me live here for free and that makes it all even steven. My younger sis takes her to the casino, my older sis collects several hundred dollars a month that is never repaid and I ..... "Live here for free !!! "
I think it would be wise for me to leave my sis a note with instruction and cleaning supplies saying "I EXPECT this to be cleaned up while I am on vacation !!" Hopefully I will be able to call her ... me sipping a MaiTai ...while she is in protective gear cleaning up waste. LOL
The sheer audacity of ANYONE saying we live here for FREE needs to spend one week caretaking for someone ... they'll soon see how free it really is.
Boy they are hell bent on making sure you don't step above your station aren't they?
If I had my own place even if it is a trailer house it would be mine and if I wanted to use the entire space as my shop, I could and use only the bed room for my living space. As it is now I live in a 8x10 room when I am not watching mom or cooking or working. I guess sometimes you just have to say to yourself YES I CAN rather than " no I can't" , just because no I can't takes less work. I will still check in on mom and I DO NOT plan on discussing my plans with anyone buy my son until the plans are well underway. I know my mother and unless things are already in the works she will pull out the guilt paddle and start using it. First thing I expect will be "Oh so now that I may need you soon, your just gonna cut and run". The problem with that is whether she needed me before or not she used me plenty and that became evident when she decided that rather than buy a rollerwalker to go to the largest casino in the world "Winstar" she decided to save herself the cost of renting a rollerwalker or a scooter and if she got tired I could push her around in one of their guest wheelchairs. I know because she commented to her sis about how huge the place was and how tired she gets and then responded to some question her sis asked ( it was a telephone convo ) "I'm not gonna pay for that, that's too expensive" This was before we left so I know what her plan was before we went to winstar. When she told me to get a wheelchair I said "okay but who are you gonna get to push it". I thought she was going to blow a blood vessel. She stomped off mad.
Anyway Thank you all for the comments and especially Carlcb because your first post started my brain going. I also think that I moved in to early and because it was so easy to let me do everything it became expected and now that it may be needed, it is not appreciated since I have been doing it all, all along.
So even sitting for your sisters dogs like you do has value..a lot if value.
I know she lives in her recliner. So does my mom, at 83. My mom uses a walker both indoors and out, and needs to hold on even when standing still to prevent falling. I know your mom needs help with shopping and errands, as my mom does. Apparently she doesn't cook. My mom doesn't cook much either - she's not able to stand up long enough to chop vegetables or stir gravy. She can't carry a pasta pot to the sink. One of her two grocery trips per week is to a local grocery that has a big hot bar with lots of prepared meals, and my mother buys meals for the week there.
Nobody lives with my mom, now. My sister and I help her and then we go home, although I live a ways away and have enough "chores" to keep me busy for a few days at a time so I stay overnight at Mom's.
I think maybe you moved in with your Mom too soon, before the rest of the family recognized the need for someone to be there. Because of that, you have no bargaining power. If I were you, I'd insist that the house be placed in joint ownership with you as survivor beneficiary. Or as a "life estate" for her and "remainder" for you (that means you own nothing in her lifetime but you own the house outright when she dies). If they're not willing to do that, I'd move out and not move back until they are willing to do that. Do not be left homeless when your mother dies. I've seen that happen to caregivers who devoted many years of full-time care and it can be a real disaster.
So, you don't want your mother to pay for her own care because they would make you homeless. Do you have any money left over from selling your house years ago and moving back to care for your mother? Is the house promised or willed to you if you stay there as her full time caregiver?
I am not going to leave my mom, I still carry the guilt that I moved to California and my dad died alone and undiscovered for 4 days. BUT I am trying to think of a way to take a month off, leave and tell them all to use that time to understand that I am worth something. Anybody need a dog sitter? LOL
I thought you were living there for free?
Which?
I'm still not so sure about that really good deal. I'd more likely say you're actually paying a pretty high rent. But RocknRobin has it right: sit down with a big piece of paper and Add Up. Enough b/s from siblings who apparently control your mother's money and ought to be spending it on her care and maintenance. Best of luck.
It doesn't make good sense otherwise, though. She makes her own breakfast and washes dishes after supper. I do everything else. I only have two rooms that are filled with her things. The two rooms house all my inventory, shipping supplies, computer, rabbits, and bed. It's like living out of a suitcase.
I could always move out to my own place, but I can't do that. It would not be the responsible thing to do. Plus it wouldn't be particularly smart to do it unless I was in extreme mental anguish. Do I feel used? Yes, but feeling used is not a good reason for me to do something that hurts both her and me. We have to consider the impact of the things we do.
It used to be fairly easy to make good money online. It has been getting harder every year for the past five years. If staying with your mother gives you the ability to do what you love, then that weighs heavily. Of course, getting some retirement money set back weighs even more. I hope you're able to work things out and start raking in the big bucks. Since you do crafts, however, it may be that soon your mother will be demanding so much time that your business will have trouble. It sounds like a good time to do some planning for what lies ahead.
You may be getting a decent deal lifestyle wise. Your Etsy biz is great, it brings in a little income for you and probably helps keep you sane. And you do have a roof over your head, and you will have a cleaner conscience than some of your other sibs when all is said and done. They seem to be missing the piece of how much a non-family live-in aide might charge. Live-in aides usually do NOT pay rent.
I do have some questions though.
Do you or anyone have durable and medical POA for her? Frankly, she does not sound like the sort of person who would give one.
I gather from what you wrote that she does not have a will and does not care to have one. If she has a stroke and can't move or move very easily, will you be up to taking of that level of care? If she becomes incapacitated, who has the authority to manage her money and medical care? If no one, then you'all are sitting on a clicking time bomb that will someone getting guardianship to deal with.
My last question is Why are you staying?
Who is going to take care of you when you're 83? You need those SS credits and long term care insurance.
The stress, bitterness and resentment that is evident in your post is going to kill you. If your siblings and mother can't see the indentured servant part of this deal, no amount of explaining is going to make a difference.
I'll tell you what I did. I bought myself a shabby little trailer in a college town about 90 minutes away. (It was all I could afford without totally decimating my savings). I said I wanted to take classes at the university, which was also true. I started staying at my own place more and more, fixing it up, making it cozy. It's not nearly as nice as the home I own with Mom but I don't care - it's mine and I'm totally free there. I stopped paying half of Mom's expenses - I share a few expenses like the yard work and the house cleaner (although I really shouldn't even do that). My siblings still don't help (except for one) but I can get away and I don't have to hear the excuses. If they want to refuse to help, they have to refuse Mom, not me.
I had the same reservations that you have (someone has to be there, etc.) My mom is also 83. I just needed to get out for my own sanity. I stay a few days a week with Mom now. I'm trying to scale down to one visit a week, during which I'll take her shopping and to the library, take out her garbage, pick up her mail, change her bedding, clean up her kitchen, and do any other odd tasks that need to be done. I swear I'm not living there again. If she can't live alone my siblings will have to be equal partners in deciding what to do with her.