I don’t know if you folks have patience of iron and steel, but today my MIL wanted me to do her laundry. No problem, I said and meant it. Of course, she asks just as I’m about to pick up my son from the bus stop. Go back in the house, there she is again with the hamper. I tell her to put it down, I’ll do it when I get back from picking up my kindergartener (he goes to a different school, so doesn’t get bussing). She was kinda pissed that I wasn’t doing it right then, but the bus was late, and I knew I was also running late. Come back, and the boys of course have stories, things to show me, and a mess to clean up in their lunch bags. My MIL starts yelling at me that I never do anything for her (say what??) and that I’m taking forever!
Now, I just cannot CANNOT drop everything and do something just because somebody is impatient. It goes against every fiber of my being. I held my tongue, but I stood there cleaning every dish in my sink, the counters, the stove, even though they did not need to be cleaned just because I will not be bullied to be at her beck and call! She has A LOT of clothes. There is zero rush! She’s just used to being a bully and making a fuss and expecting everyone to cater to her every wish.
Not me…. I still haven’t touched that hamper…
So, that was me poking the bear. Anyone else poke the bear today?
Boundaries - set boundaries. Because there is nothing else in their lives, their needs and wants become immediate needs and wants. Given the situation you shared, my personal reaction would be no reaction - say - 'I will get to it when I get to it' - and then from there on, no more further comments from me about the subject matter - no matter what. I would put up a white board in her room with the current day and what you will be doing that day for her - ie. Tuesday- laundry. Anything outside that boundary - well, it will just have to wait. If she has a hissy fit - treat it like you do a child. Reasoning and logic don't work. Unless, of course, she has been diagnosed with dementia, which is another whole different ball game.
With what you are saying about her, she will never change - her personality, characteristics, her demands/wants and will not compromise. That was my mother, and I knew I could never have her stay with me for longer than 4 days. It was that type of contentious relationship. And I didn't feel guilty about it because if she had lived under my roof, unfortunately, everything between us would have escalated (since it never was all that great to begin with) and her time with me would have caused her, and me, much more stress and unpleasantness.
You have a family of your own with your own responsibilities. That is where you need to place your focus and energies. Maybe hire someone to come in 2x week to handle just your MIL laundry, room cleaning, sheet changing, whatever.... separate the chores and have someone else take care of it..
I think it's a combo of incontinence (which both mom & MIL have) and not bathing frequently enough. Mother swears she showers 4 times a week, but I know for a fact she only does so about once a week or less. She is double incontinent and not able to clean herself properly. I'm not putting her down, I'm just stating a fact.
I don't know if you 'poked a bear' or just felt like being in control. Doesn't really matter, does it? I can feel for both of you, you feeling like a slave and her feeling very put upon.
And yeah, why CAN'T her son do her laundry? Shoot, 3/5 of my sons in law and my own son do the laundry all the time. It's not like women are hardwired to do this task.