The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, I am a wimp... I was putting the string of light on our tree while playing Christmas music (which we have always done) and the song "I'll Be Home For Christmas" started playing and I totally lost it. I am missing my son so much this year. He has always been a constant in my life. Well...enough blubbering...he has his life too. What is it about mother's and their son's?

Margeaux, I'm doing ok. My wife has navigated the front steps to our house. Today, she's been using the walker less and less.

I had a good visit with my mother in the nursing home. She's suddenly decided she wants to sit up in a chair now and be rolled in to the activity room. This is a major change for her.

Upon visiting with my step-dad today, I could tell a marked decline in his mental ability. After telling him we had just seen my mother before coming over to the house, he asked my son and I twice if we had seen my mother. He even had us living in another town than when we actually live.

I've been a real minimumlist concerning Christmas decorations! That has been good.

Maybe, we will be able to go to church for the second Sunday in a row. Monday, we drive up to see my wife's mother and twin sister. We will return on Wednesday.

Cmag~Glad to hear how your wife is improving, that is great news! I am sorry to hear about your father though. It is so hard when our health starts declining. It sounds like he will be taken care of by your family and you can visit without the responsibility since you have so much on your plate already.

I got all the Christmas shopping done yesterday. Since my son and daughter live elsewhere, I get gifts cards which simplifies things. The tree is up but not decorated. I will do that when I get off work tonight. Hubby has to work swing shift today so I will have the house to myself and can get it done easily, Lol!! My mother's wallet is shot and she uses a rubber band around it to hold it together. I bought her a new wallet. She bought one a couple months ago but didn't like it because she couldn't fit everything in it. Well a lot of the stuff she has in it are duplicate insurance cards or stuff she no longer uses. We are going to go through it and lighten her load so all will fit in the new wallet.

Those of you who are lucky enough to have Monday off enjoy the Christmas weekend. Those of you like us who are working through Monday...hang in there and take deep breaths and enjoy Christmas Day. Happy weekend!!

Cmagnum,
How are you doing?
I'm really sorry about the diagnosis about your father. This is definitely always difficult to hear, no matter what. Yes, it's going to be a decision about getting more help for both your dad and his wife. This was the situation going on w/our mom and her narcissistic sister several years before mother was officially diagnosed by a doctor for the ALZ. At that time, unfortunately the son who'd been chosen as POA, wasn't responsible enough to see that mom was getting this attn. paid to her medically speaking. If he couldn't do it, he didn't have the honesty about not being able to take care of business, and allow one of the other siblings to do it because of his enormous ego. Then layer over that mess, our aunt meanwhile w/o our knowledge knew something was stirring w/mom; she'd been w/mom to all of her doctor's appts., and knew mom was already prescribed some meds for the ALZ. It's good that you've a step sister involved on a variety of levels, I know I don't have to tell you that.
How is your wife's progress coming? I read that she was able to tackle some stairs recently.
O.K., my man....hope you didn't put up too many decorations, remember less is more! Much Love and I have you and yours in my thoughts! Margeaux

True.

Also, my step-mother is receiving care from Hospice. The only reason that they have not already gone over to assisted living is her wish to die at home. However, my dad is not sure this will be possible for much longer. They each have long term care insurance. He told me that they are both so declined that they are really not much support to each other at all. Out of 7 brothers and sisters my dad has lived the longest with his younger sister close behind with Alzheimer's and their youngest sibling is still alive. Also, my dad has about outlived all of his friends. His remaining siblings and other relatives all live in another state.

Furthermore, in addition to her daughter, my step-mother has her son, sister and brother right there in the same town.

Oh, that's good then. You guys have everything covered. I'm glad....no need to go thru the stress of figuring out what to do with your father. Thanks for letting me know.

bookworm, my step-sister has been helping her mother and my dad a lot. She is POA for both of them and executor of their estates. At one time, I was POA for my dad, but he changed that after thinking how far away I am (6 hour drive) with my own health issues, plus a wife on disability and a mom in the nursing home with her own problems that I'm POA over.

Sharyn – Well…you’re brave to wait last minute to get refills for your meds. At least you went to Urgent Care now and not when it’s much closer to xmas. Now I feel bad. I picked up my 1st bottle of Lipitor in Oct. I just peeked inside. I still got over 15 pills left. I need to start taking those pills again.

Cmag – problem after problem with you and yours. Well, just take it one day at a time. Whenever a problem pops up, just handle it accordingly. However, you and fam will need to figure out how long your father will be able to handle living by himself/wife before they will need extra help. Glad your wife is improving.

Margeaux – you definitely sound chipper. and busy…Yeah, the blues seem to be hitting us. I’d say go for it with the decorations to help bring cheer in the place.

Burned - sounds like you made some great deals. I like the part about getting a tablet for only $100. You definitely know how to get bargains.

My parents surprised with 200 dollars in gift cards from walmart and i also went broke getting some extra toys no clothes. Then I got some extra help and more presents otw i hope so ya and then there is gonna be a silly string party in the house or on the porch come christmas day..i also got myself a tablet computer besides my laptop for only 100 bucks and watches for the kids etc..i believe i pulled a miracle and i thank god for the blessings:)

sharynmarie, sorry you ended up in Urgent Care today. I hope you get well soon.

I just learned from my 87 year old dad that the results of some tests have concluded that he has alzheimer's which his younger sister already has. If his is like her's, he will decline very fast and not be able to stay in the townhouse with my step-mother who is living on borrowed time with her pulmonary fibrosis. Dad recognizes that he is bad off with memory problems, hearing the telephone ringing when it is not, and having strange dreams. The doctors from Johns Hopkins hospital are going to give him some meds.

My wife is doing well with her post-op walking with her walker and is doing her PT exercises.

I'm waiting for my new thyroid med to kick in, but that will be another 5 weeks before that is possible and I get more blood work done.

Today is my only day off before Christmas. I had to go to Urgent Care for a bladder infection, YaY!! My dr. is off until after Christmas. I was out of all my meds, HBP, cholesterol, asiphex for my heart burn, so they refilled them all for one month. I am taking a break from shopping but still need to get something for my mother and sister. I am soooo bad this year waiting for the last minute like this. I decided I am not going to put a tree up. Instead I am going to decorate the fireplace, hang stockings and some other things I have to put on the mantel. Then I will decorate in the kitchen around the table only. First I was sick which kept me from shopping, now it's been work calling me in on my days off. Of course I don't have to go in when they call me, but it is feast or famine with hours at work so I work as much as I can when I can. Anyway.....I went by mom's and she has the heater off because she doesn't want to pay a high PG&E bill. She can't remember how to start the pellet stove which is fine with me and sis. I lectured her on not using the heater because it was 63 in the house and she is wearing a jacket. I turned on the heater. Sis and I are going to check on getting a locked cage around her thermostat so she can't mess with it. I know it will piss her off but I just don't care. Turning the heater off at night I understand, but not using, especially right now when our temps are in the 30's at night and 40's during the day is crazy. My kitty even stays in the house during the day except to go out to do his business (I hope in the neighbors yards),Lol...just joking!! Gotta go finish that shopping...hubby is taking me out to dinner tonight for my birthday since I had to work on my birthday last week. Have a good one everyone...Hugs

I couldn't find my Christmas boots that I hang up each year. It's funny, I usually find them in a bag throughout the yr., in drawers when I don't need them. So after digging through my fabric drawer twice, bingo! So they went up on our dining room mirror last night. We do not buy a tree. I love the trees, but I don't like seeing them strewn in people's trashes and alleys, so for sometime I haven't bought a tree. My version of a tree is, I use a tomato wire basket, the triangular ones. Then I decorate it w/lights. So now I plan on making an ornament out of some red fabric I have. I'm exercising my creative side right now, I think it's good.
I've been hearing too many people around me, including my husband being down, so I'm doing everything possible to sway the energy in the opposite direction. Well, today is 12/21/12. There are a lot of interesting planetary alignments going on, so everyone.....I wish all of you a great day, w/the best of energies, love and spirit! Much Love & Light!! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
Yes, my sister did get together w/her boyfriend after a brief breakup last year,
when the narcissist aunt started her Hospice at mom's house last year. But then they made up and have been together this last year. They've had about a 8 yr.
relationship already. Throughout much of it, when she's been having some issues w/him, usually the issue seems to always revolve around issues w/her grown daughters. But w/my sister also, e.g., my mom & deceased aunt have some apartments that were in complete disrepair. When my sister and younger brother became the POA's of the assets, my brother and the boyfriend, who is a plumber by trade, have done lots of repairs on those apartments. Even as my sister was boo hooing to me the other day, she mentioned that she hoped that my brother and the beau would finish the job on one of them, as she'd already missed an opportunity to rent it, since the job was yet unfinished. In this case, I think it's not a wise idea to be recruiting in a boyfriend to do work like this. Boundaries! When my sister makes these kinds of statements also, they have such an air of zero sensitivity that she is using her boyfriend to work for her, and not connecting the dots about how that could create an atmosphere of he not being appreciated, because that's exactly the way my sister operates.
Another feature is the fact that her boyfriend lost his mother this last August.
My sister didn't like the woman, and states that her boyfriend was having a lot of difficulty w/her (also narcissist), so she seems to just want to diss the fact that the man could be grieving, my goodness. No sympathy. I'm suspecting that he is possibly depressed, and she's not tapping into that part of it. She really wants to make it sound as if he's not being cooperative, and communicating w/her, blah di blah. My sister IMO, also has a fairy tale view of her relationships especially w/men. Interesting! Just as your sister, and I know she moves way too fast whenever she's met a prospective man in her life!!
Yes, you bring up very good points about your sister and this man she's pursuing and his meds. I guess our sisters don't stop to look behind what is going on w/someone, it's all about them. The idea about a relationship really changes when one matures, I would think.
It's not the same as when we were just out of high school or college.
In a nutshell, my sister also even w/her exes, never put strong boundaries in place once they divorced, and had to contend w/her girl's fathers coming to pick them up for the visitation every two weeks on wk.ends. At times I guess the two exes still want to operate as if they are still a big part of our family, and that's changed. I'm polite to them, but I'm not very involved w/them when I do see them, which isn't very often. They don't have good boundaries, either. But that's my sister's fault. Oh well, I'm happy that we both see this. I'm really going to meditate on the emotional detachment to assist me in dealing w/my sister.
Thank you sooooo much Sharymarie, I just learn so much from these conversations. It's great to meet a kindred spirit! Much Love & Light, & might I add, Calm Margeaux

Margeaux~From your post, I take it that your sister is back together with this man? It is rude to not say hello to someone who comes in your home to visit another family member, I don't know why some people are like that. I can understand you not wanting to listen to your sister about the break up, it gets old when you can see why it happened and your sister does nothing to change the situation.

My sister has such a fairy tale view of men/relationships she falls for any man who shows interest. She is the first person sales reps see when they come in her work place so one day a sales rep (who comes around often) came in the office. He asked my sister out to lunch (only because he knew he had to go thru her to get to the boss). He flirted with her all through lunch got her home phone number and pretended all kinds of interest. My sis was very excited at the prospect of going out with this man. Only he never called her. Now she is in touch with a man whom she knew as a teenager, he calls her and they went to a concert in S.F. together. She considers them to be a couple right off the bat when he is clearly only interested in friendship. He even told her she was moving way too fast. I get tired of hearing it from her too. She is like a teenager when it comes to men. He lives in Nevada, is on many different meds for depression and PTSD from Viet Nam. She can't understand why he has no interest in a sexual relationship....I told her maybe with all the meds he's taking he can't!!! Here she goes again trying to get involved with someone who is just as or more dysfunctional than she is. Some people never learn.

Beanie~You are referring to being the scapegoat. Yes it does get old. My mother has Alz now so she doesn't tell me how disappointing I am. It's funny she felt this way about me because I never asked my parents for any money or help of any kind. She based it on my personality being more like my dad's and my rebelling against her during my teenage years. I think many parents make a decision about their kids very early and that is how they see them forever.

I don't know what to tell my sister. She called the other day and at some point broke down about she and the boyfriend breaking up. They broke up a year ago. That breakup happened on the back of my narcissistic aunt dying. She claims that the boyfriend basically doesn't like the presence of her exes. They've both been invited to such things as the baptismal of the first grandson, and his birthday.She has two ex husbands, w/a daughter each from my sister. My sister claims that the boyfriend doesn't say hello to her daughters. The younger daughter, who is a real PIA, she's very selfish.
Well that one many times has tried playing this game w/m of not saying hello when Sometimes when I have been at mom's house, where she lives on more than one occasion, a hello would not have been said, were it not for my going over to say it to her. She's a very moody girl. So if she does it to me, (aunt), I totally believe she does it to the boyfriend. What I don't understand though w/my sister is the fact that her two daughters are now 23 & 29. They've seemed to have injected tons of interference in this relationship between my sister and the beau. So these are the complaints by my sis, and of course she sides w/her daughters. I don't understand this, since it's not like these girls are under age anymore! Why would my sister allow her daughters to have so much control about her relationship w/this man? So she tells me this, but then she kept breaking down crying a lot about the break up. Yikes!
I had to hear this last year when they broke up then, later they got together again.
So I did give her moral support. But honestly I don't want to hear very much about it this time around. She flip flops too much about these kinds of issues, and I don't know can anyone see something I may be missing. But I'm not going to be so available this time for anticipated emotional meltdown by my sister. Margeaux

Margeaux~It is called American Gypsies. I don't know when it is on but it is something I wouldn't watch anyway. You would be surprised the things customers will pull to either get something free or get a discount. Usually the customers that do it can afford to pay.
Joan~I hope you get into the dr. to get your thyroid meds adjusted. I am going to go to bed early tonight... to much work this week and so far behind here at home. Well have a good night everyone!!

Yogi --I'm sooo sorry about your current health situation! Please write back with the latest info. HUGS!!! Book

Sharynmarie,
I'm curious, what is the name of this tv reality show? Yes, these shows are very questionable IMO. They really like the high drama, and are into promoting stereo types. I know you are not that way. Good that you want more real information. I do not condone these customer's behavior either on a moral scale. Much Love, Margeaux

hi all - a drive by tonite. Been running around a lot doing errands, and found out today my thyroid is a bit low so need to get into the doc before Christmas. It means I can hardly keep my eyes open this time of night - back tomorrow - hopefully a quieter day and more energy. Hope everyone is getting some Christmas spirit ((((((hugs))))) Jo

Went to urgent care tonight. Blood pressure 185/92. Last night the hospital with 124 pulse rate. Not caregiving over the past few months has taken it's toll. I'm only 51. I'm scared to death of having a stroke.

Burned, I'm glad that your kids r gettg presents. the more the better. still remember as a child only getting 1 present (well there were 8 of us kids...)

hi all

I haven't posted been busy and today my daughter was suppose to go on a field trip but still dealing with the flu and i am sore at myself i barely have any money to help santa out for the kids. I DO Not like this and on top of that i am dealing with the continued loss of my grandmother and then what a shocker that happen to those kids..how can i get in the spirit. on a side note my sister and i are talking but not falling for her games. Parents sent gifts to her..i am waiting to see if they are sending gifts or something else. another friend is sending gifts for the kids so i am getting some help by secret santa's which are blessing:)

The info I am finding is basically that gypsies in the U.S. are from Romania. It does tell their history, ect. but I think I am looking for current info on their life. I agree that we tend to have out dated info on different cultures which I think may be the case with me regarding gypsies because I visualize a people who are nomadic, traveling around from place to place, fortune telling, dancing...excuse my lack of information of this subject. I hate to see people label others as such and such if they have no real information and are just passing along what they have been told. I am sorry your friend has had such a hard time emotionally. The only thing I can relate it to is when I was growing up...the city I live in was around 10,000 population back then and we were largely an agricultural town. We had migrant workers who came to work the fields. In the fall, we had a lot of kids in school who couldn't speak English and they were very isolated from the rest of the kids at school. I know this is not the same thing but it comes to mind because of the isolation I saw with these kids which was due to a language barrier. By the time I was in 3rd grade, a migrant camp was built with a school and housing in French Camp, Ca. I remember how sad it was to me that these kids were in school all day and no one could communicate with them. This was before we had bilingual aides in the classroom. I think it is a shame that we have that reality tv show on gypsies because the few people I have spoke to talk negatively about gypsies and I see it as further typecasting. I haven't watched it nor did I know about it until a few days ago, but I don't get to watch much tv cuz of my work schedule. Anyway...gotta go, was called in to work today so not gonna get the tree up again. Leave me only Friday to get everything ready now. Have a good day!!

Thanks Margeaux!! I did look it up but I didn't really find much about gypsies in the U.S. Like I said, I am not trying to typecast any ethnic group because I know that gypsies are in every country. My knowledge about them is basically what you posted about them being nomadic so other than that I am very ignorant on gypsies in the U.S. That is why I thought the people I work with typecast this family based on a T.V. reality show. In order for them to be on welfare, they have to have a permanent address...I guess gypsies in 2012 don't have to be nomadic, however, I can't help but go with my gut reaction on this which is that the people I work with have labeled these people wrong. I agree that all ethnic groups are capable of scamming the system. I am just taken back on the label of "gypsy" because I have never heard this before and I don't know what they are basing it on. Anyway thanks for the info and I will look it up again to see if I can find out something more that isn't about a reality tv show.

Beanie, I'm sorry but I forgot to mention you and thank you for your understanding. I'm sorry your family is as cruel as mine. ((((((((((Beanie)))))))))

Book, I have no kids or grandkids. It's just me. That's why my family figures it's my responsibility. As you know, I took care of my mom and her BF for many years. I was not nor am I capable of doing the 24/7/365. Thank you for your comments and well wishes. And especially the very big hugs. ((((((Book)))))))

Sharynmarie,
A part of my post didn't get posted. This is what I wrote:
Gypsies have settled in many parts of the world. Their nomadic lifestyle in part has been born out of having to leave because they have a long history of persecution.
When ever they have made encampments, usually the rest of society does not offer them much in the way of socialization, and I don't mean a hand out, nor welfare. Education is what I'm talking about, so that possibly they could grow and fend for themselves within society. Romanian gypsies are very marginalized.

I lived in Spain for three years, and I was told over and over again that I looked like a gypsy. On two occasions, I tried renting a room in a hostel. I heard the people at the reception telling one another, "they wouldn't rent to a gypsy." Well, they were completely dumbfounded when I produced an American passport, and said something in English to my travel partner!! A whole town in Northern Spain called Riano was burned to the ground, because the Spaniards didn't want them there.
Anyway, this is the first paragraph before the previous post. Margeuax

My best friend is half gypsy and Mexican. She doesn't know much about her gypsy heritage, because her father from what she's shared with me about him was a victim of the marginalization his culture must endure. It could explain some of her dysfunction, of self worth, self esteem. She suffers very much from this as a result. Her father did too, he became schizophrenic.
I know that many times people have these archaic beliefs about other cultures, because they basically don't know enough legitmate information about them.
Unfortunately many people are like parrots, they just repeat what they've been told too. I live in a big city, with people from all over the world. Just about every race, has been involved in welfare scams, bookie scams, even municipal government fraud.. So I'm of the firm belief any body is capable of stealing, embezzling or cheating. No one race or culture has a monopoly on that!
Anyway, look it up, I'm sure you're going to learn a lot. Also, I don't think it's so off topic, it is after all about dysfunctioin. Much Love & Light! Margeaux
i

Oh my gosh, you guys are great!! Thanks for the advice and input! It's a busy day here at work so I'll have to respond more later. I wish everybody could have a wonderful and happy holiday but I know that's just not in the cards for everyone.
One step at a time!

More later.......and remember.........Take Deep Breaths!! ;-)