The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo--our xmas memories were exciting as children. As we got to teen years... My father was the only breadwinner with a wife and 8 kids. We got hand me downs from mom's family. We were the "poor" family of mom's side. They were quite the snob. They didn't like the man she married, and their feelings carried down to her children. Mom was a homemaker - in everything. She can garden, sew, cook, bake, etc... Father abused her, abused the boys, and us girls have no childhood memories. Sorry....getting distracted here with Memories....

Any our mom wanted so badly for acceptance with her siblings. Even as young ones, we saw the difference of how they treated each other and how they treated mom. How they treated each other's children and how they treated us. But, as kids we loved xmas because our presents will be NEW. Every xmas - we all meet at grandma/grandpa's house. We ate and took pictures - immediate family photos, then grandkids photos, then grown ups photos, etc... I remember looking forward to it. When I reached teenage years, I saw how they treated mom. Dad - I understood. But mom? Poor mom, even though we couldn't afford it, she would bake several large cakes and several different pies. We kids helped her. She would spend all night baking just to bring these desserts on xmas day. Mom had 5 siblings here. So, when we made her famous cheesecake pies (she had her very own recipes) and tutti frutti pies (own recipes) - she had to make 5 extra for each of her siblings to take home PLUS some pies for the xmas table. I remember having to beg mom to leave at least 1 pie for home. We go to grandma's and poor mom just sits there. Everyone ignores her. When it came to clean up time, it was, "Hey, Girl, come and do this or that." I and my sisters were the "Hey, Girl." We go to other parties every year but they don't even take the time to remember our names. I hated this. My siblings and I end up doing all the cleaning work. When I got old enough to put my foot down, I debated a long time: present vs. pride. Pride is important because our cousins were seeing how we were treated. And they too started treating us like dirt. Like one little cousin told us in that superior tone of voice: "I'm rich and you are poor!" She was ordering me to do something and I turned around and said no. So, one xmas day, I told the parents that I didn't want to go. When I spoke up, my younger sisters spoke up too. Mom and dad did go. But after that, they too stopped going.

Mom is still bedridden, and her siblings don't visit at all. It's been years since they came to visit. I still don't like them. Their mouth is very bad. At grandma's rosary, one aunty ORDERED me to say the rosary for the next night. I said no. She again Ordered that I Will Do It. I was getting soooo angry. My siblings stood there and kept quiet - torn between obedience to our elder and my increasing temper. I finally looked at Aunty and said that I am Not Catholic! That was the last time I ever attended a Catholic rosary. I went out of respect of grandma being mom's mother. But, the only good xmas memories I have is as small child who didn't see how we were treated. Xmas at home was better but not as exciting as gifts as Grandma's. But, I can still remember the joy of anticipating xmas just don't like to remember the reality of it. From age 19-23, I found more joy in buying the gifts. It was such a challenge to find a personal gift for each recipient. The more unique the gift, the better. That was my favorite part of xmas.

Sorry, didn't mean to rain down on anyone's xmas memories. Although we didn't have the love, hugs, encouragements like most of you do, I still have fond memories of the good ones that I have. There's always a silver lining in any sad stories. You just have to remember it and pull it out among the sad ones. HUGS!!!

sharyn (((((hugs))))) re Christmas memories and your dad's death. Will you see your son at Christmas?
cmag - wonderful news. Glad your wife is more mobile and feeling up to doing things. The more she can do for herself, the better.
lildeb how are you and yours, and how will Christmas be for you this year?
book ((((((hugs)))) re the memories

Cmag, I'm glad about your wife. She has more independence and you have less load to carry on your shoulder.
Sharyn, I know what you mean about past xmas memories.

Cmagnum, that is such awesome great news with your wife n its just good to hear wonderful news from others.

Sharynmarie, sorry about you losing your dad around a holiday time. He sounded like a great n friendly man. I know it cannot be easy when u cannot be with him physically. Yet you can keep him within your heart n I hope you are able to find some peace within your heart during this holiday season.

Changing the subject, I have some wonderful news to share tonight! After months since August of not being able to walk up or down stairs without assistance and basically a week after her arthroscopic knee surgery my wife decided to try and was successful at walking down and up the stairs to our house today on her own. She continues to walk using a walker, but that will go away in time. This means, we can return the portable toilet to the church, the rented transport chair to the pharmacy, and the ramp we rented to the mobility people this week! She even feels up to trying to attend church in the morning.

book - It is tragic. Everyone involved will never be the same

cmag - I haven't heard of a Blue Christmas service, but it sounds like a good idea. I am OK now, but need to be pretty quiet, which I will be. My daughter, to my surprise, has invited us and a few others to her house on the 28th for supper. We will go, and from there head off south for dinner theatre on the 29th and back home the next day. Gary's dil (oldest son) will be induced this week so they will have a new baby as well as a 2 yr old, and will not, I am sure, be hosting the usual big Christmas. His oldest daughter will be induced just before Christmas and will be in hospital for Christmas, so I guess he will go down there, and connect up with whoever he can. I know he will want to see his new grandbabies. I would love to see them too, but that isn't on the books - just a matter of prayer. Talk about dysfunctional families!!!! Oh, well. The "good news" is that mother has given me the number of her lady friend from whom I can find out about the move she is planning. Mother said there will be 6 "clients" in one house. I can't see mother getting along with 6 other people, under the same roof, but not my problem.
Love hugs and prayers - Joan

I am still choked up about the shooting too. I find it difficult to talk about it without breaking down. This shooting has hit me harder than the others maybe because it involved so many small children. My son sounds similar to your Gordie Joan. He is such a kid at heart and it is always so much fun when he is here. It must be hard for him since he can't celebrate it with his wife...that is the choice he made. Anyway Christmas is difficult because my dad passed away (9 years this year) on Dec. 27. He made Christmas so filled with memories from our childhood because he too was a kid at heart. Within all the chaos and abuse, Christmas was a time we enjoyed each other as a family. A lot of memories and feelings from those times. Gotta get back to work!!

emjo, rather recently some churches have started having a "Blue Christmas" service for those who find this time of year difficult to celebrate. Some are called "the longest night" service. I could see this being very helpful for many.

One of the small victim, Emilie Parker, age 6. Her father came to the camera to talk about her. She was a loving child. When she thought you needed something special, she would make a card for you. I chuckled on one of the father's description of little Emilie. He said that she was "always willing to try new things - except food." She was a typical loving child. I was feeding mom as I watched this. Felt tears come to my eyes. It is sooooo sad.

One parent said that their little child did not understand the situation. The child told them that there were children sleeping on the floor. It's just .... so tragic...

I'm with you sharyn, and cmag. For me, tt is not about the decorations, or getting exhausted, or broke buying, decorating etc. That being said, doing something special to celebrate the season and the reason for the season is good. Book, you do very well buying for all your relatives. I have greatly simplified what I do. I think it is natural after the kids grow up and move away. For me, holidays have been was really affected by Gordie's death. He was the one who had more fun than anyone else at Christmas. I did stockings for everyone until he died ( the kids had all come back home for a while). Every little thing was a joy to him. After that, I just couldn't for a while. Finally I made a very small tree - about 3 ft - from a frame and garland, put on small lights, some silk roses and bows, and I store it from one Christmas to another, so setting it up is very simple. I have a large artificial tree in the living room that was mother's, and put small lights and a star in it, and that is about all. It is enough for the grandkids, and us to enjoy something a little special. A fire in the fireplace and lit candles help create the atmosphere. Other than to the two youngest grandchildren, I give money for gifts, and no one seems to object. It keeps my life simple. Gary and I do a few gifts for one another. He likes wrapping -go figure.

I am still reeling about the shooting at the elementary school. The thought of what those little ones went through, and what those left, the families, friends and colleagues are, and will go through is too much. My heart goes out to them. This Christmas will be very hard for them. Prayers for all affected.

Cmag~I think I am going to follow your thinking by limiting the amount of decorations this year. Simple is best and it's not about the decorations.

Book~Thank you for the great ideas!! I like playing Christmas music while decorating the tree. That is the kids and I would do, we made it a special activity. I kept all the Christmas decorations my kids made when they were little and we put them on the tree.

Nice brainstorming bookworm!

I can sure understand how overwhelming it feels to have all of the Christmas decorations to land in one person's lap.

Last year with my poor energy level, it was March before all of the Christmas and winter decorations were put away. Then, we still had both boys home for Christmas which will not be true this year. However, it was our first year of not having both at home after Christmas.

As usual, we will spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with SIL and MIL at SIL's house. So, I announced several weeks ago that given my energy level and my wife being laid up with a bad knee, that this year's tree would be half as tall as before and only the minimum of what we put out as decorations are going to be put out for several reasons of which one is that I am the one who has to get it all brought into the house from the barn and who puts it all back in the barn. Also, if we are not having anyone here for Christmas but just us in our little empty nest, then why knock myself out. The last time I did that, SIL and MIL came to our house for Christmas back in 2010.

So, this year we have downsized and simplified which is fine. The tree is only 5 ft instead of 8 which made it much easier and less time consuming to put the lights and decorations up, but it still took me several days to do just that. I would recommend to anyone looking to simplify decorating to get a smaller tree. The wreaths are on the doors and the outside nativity scene was put in the front yard Friday afternoon.

However, as far as making every room in the house look like Christmas and placing the electric candles in the window, no. Too much!

Due to finances, we also had to downsize on our Christmas presents for people. Too often in the past, the money from my dad and others would give us often helped complete paying for how much we spent on presents. Something sort of circular about that.

Anyhow, for me and my household less is better and spending within our budget is better. We understand that as our boys get closer to finishing college that they will be more and more independent like the one who has a winter internship for the whole winter break in DC. Furthermore, all of the glitter and hurry of the season can overshadow the heart of what to me Christmas is all about. That in itself gives me the Christmas spirit more than other things do. Anyhow, for me growing up Christmas was always at one parent's house or the other which was part of the divorce settlement plan.

We are still adjusting to the empty nest syndrome.

Love, prayers, and hugs to all as each of us seeks the Christmas spirit within the context of our individual situations!

Sharyn, it's hard to get into the Holiday spirit if there's no one there to share it with. I don't celebrate xmas since I was age 23. But from what I remembered before that, I didn't have the money for a xmas tree. But I so loved to buy presents. I would go to flea markets and buy all these little trinkets specifically for each recipient's interest. My SIL still have several of these gifts. I asked her if she was willing to give it back to me because it's so pretty or very unique trinket. She said No. I was content with the process of buying and watching them open up their presents. Fave sis was the opposite. Hers had to be a family affair - the setting of the tree, the wrapping of the presents, etc...But in either cases, we were in the spirit because we knew we would all get together at xmas to enjoy each other's company.

So, it's understandable why you're not in the Holiday spirit. Your kids won't be home for xmas. Hubby is not interested in a "we" will set up the tree. So, it all rests on you. I guess even turning on a xmas cd and blasting it loud won't motivate you to decorate? Why don't you do a New Tradition now that your kids are grown up? Why don't you try to think of getting a unique xmas tree decoration for each of your kids? Every year, you will get another New decoration. For example, if one of your kids love cooking (but may be terrible at it or great at it), get an item that has to do with cooking (or make one with a burned pan)? Grandchild into little league baseball? Get something along that theme. Now, each year, your xmas tree will Not be so Impersonal. You will be decorating it with items that represent something of each of your loved one. Wouldn't that be something to look forward to? And maybe hubby might be interested to see what you come up each year.

Just a thought. Brainstorming, here to help you get into the xmas mood. HUGS!!!

I am having trouble getting into the Christmas mode such as getting my house decorated. Part of the reason is because my kids won't be here, another part is because my husband has never shown much interest or participated in decorating the tree. It seems like so much effort to put up the tree and decorate only to take it all down again in 2 weeks. What happened to my excitement over the the holidays?

Suffering often takes place either because of our sins or the sins of others. God does not predestine people to sin against other people and cause suffering. Often anger leads to hate; hate leads to blind rage; rage leads to murder; and murder leads to suffering like it did King Herod slaughtering the Bethlehem infants after the birth of Jesus.

I am already hearing in the news what sounds like an attempt to blame today's massacre on mental illness which plays right into societies erroneous stigma that people with a mental illness are more prone to violence which is not true. Murder is a sin. Evil is real. You shall not murder is one of the 10 commandments. What he did was sinful regardless of him having a mental illness or not.

My first thought when I found out that it was the son who did the killing of his mother and all those kids...with mom used to be a stay-at-home mother...my first thoughts was if he was a mama's boy and he didn't like that she is now a teacher and sharing all that love to all those kids. Why else go after the kids? He was focusing on killing as much kids as he can - look at all those who died. He wasn't just out to kill his mother...he had anger/resentment on those kids. And then, I thought that maybe it could be the other way around. Maybe he didn't get the love that he now sees his mother giving to her students? Anger/resentment rears up, and he reacts to it. You know, on all the interviews, the kids did NOT know that was gunfire. It was just loud bangs. The kids were walking the hallway without panicking because they didn't recognize that they were in danger. 2 boys were calmly walking and (only found out later) bullets were flying by them. A teacher opened the classroom door and grabbed them and pulled them in the room. Kids in the gym didn't know it was gunfires - just a long of bangs. Until the police opened the gym door and ordered them out. Those kids just didn't know what was happening.

I do not like to make judgements, but in keeping with the topic about dysfunctional families, the young shooter left his dead brother at home, and went to his mom at the school, etc.

That shooting is not far from where I live in CT actuallyyy former dil lives in the town where it happened my grandson goes to a bording school on Cape Cod but he is in high school. Years ago I was asked to pick my granddaughter up from school in my town and the receptionist did not ask me for ID I was shocked-I said don't you want some ID she said no. After Colnbine I thought schools would be more strict-this is a hard way to learn lessons.

And why the mall shooting in Portland? And why all the drive-by shootings in in Oakland, CA? Then there is the high murder rate in Detroit. They sent troops & missiles off to Turkey today.

LillyLu, what I don't understand with these shooters - why the children? What did these elementary kids do to that shooter? Those kids that survived the incident will be traumatized for life. Sigh...I just woke up to hearing this news.

EMJO: Living around addicted smokers is a quiet horror. I vowed in '74 never to marry an addicted smoker like my step-father. Now look at me! I have tried & tried to recommend things; Nicorettes, patches, or Chantix. No one listens. The tempers get short now. I hear on TV now how 27 kids were just killed in a shooting. I am always distraught to hear these things, but no one listens about gun control either. Any of us may be gone at any time these days. We could be at the mall or on a bus or anywhere... God Bless!

Yes Joan, I did mention that a while back. When I read that list I posted of emotional abuse, I was shocked to see abuse in the past from people in my life.

I ask for everyone's prayers for the people in Connecticut regarding the horrific shooting and senseless loss of life of innocent people.
Hugs to everyone!

sharyn - in a post some time back you mentioned that you didn't always know when you were being abused - talking about emotional abuse here. I can really identify with that. I have had "normal" friends tell me that I shouldn't take :"this" or "that", and I really rely on them at times to give me feedback and a "reality/normality" check. When you are brought up in a dysfunctional family, it is very hard to know what is normal and what isn't, and I see many of us struggling with that. Hope the bronchitis is disappearing, and you are feeling better.

Margeaux - I cut off before sending love to you, so much love back, and to sharyn and everyone. It is great having the support of this group and others on AC

Love, hugs and prayers - Joan

(((((((LillyLu)))))))) Cigarettes are addicting. Is your husband looking for work, or not able to work now? That is very hard on a man, but I hope he doesn't take it out on you. Having two people to look after is really too much. You say your mum is getting close to the end of life. Does she have health conditions other han arthrtis and vision problems? These should not bring her life to an end, though they can be very disabling. Please do look after you.

hi Margeaux - I did have a good time, and it was great seeing old friends. Today, Mother did give me the phone number of her friend who is helping to arrange this move. I will call the friend and find out more about what is happening. She doesn't know yet how much of her furniture she can take with her. Gary and I can help with some if it - he would do most of it anyway. Last move I had professionals move what she needed, and we looked after the rest - which was most of her stuff and I still haven't sorted it all out. The CFS/FM doesn't allow me to do too much. She doesn't have as much now, thankfully.
Distance is good, Margeaux. I am glad you are working on that. I find the more distance, the better I am. Is that your neighbour friend who is calling? I agree you have to watch it with friends too. There needs to be a balance -of her stuff and your stuff, and good news and bad news. If I have troubles I want to talk over with a friend, I always make sure I let them know the resolution. It only seems right. A break and/or boundaries there sound good. The FM (fibromyalgia) seems to be OK right now. I watch my sugar/carb intake carefully which seems to help. Right now it is just fatigue which means I can't do much which gets a bit frustrating. I took a pic of the sunrise this morning, and am using for my avatar for a while. it was beautiful. Such things give me a lift. Are you making big plans for Christmas - doing baking, or any special dishes?

On another thread we were talking about latkes - potato pancakes. Sharyn had a different version than I am used to, but they sound good.

Hi Emjo,
It sounds as if you had a great time in Niagra Falls. It's always more than good to see old friends, good for the spirit!
I certainly hope that this new move for your mother w/be a positive one.
Really I hope for your sake, that she did ask someone else to move her stuff.
O.K., yes I'm trying to work more on the boundaries! I haven't heard from her for a few days. I will call her probably tomorrow, however currently I'm really trying to create some distance. I figure no news is good news. I even have a friend right now, who has been calling me w/lot's of news about her high blood pressure. I've been more than supportive. The other night she called me to tell me of some crazy drama, which really could have become dangerous. So when I was done w/that phone call, I thought maybe I should take a bit of a break from her too. I mean how much bad and negative news can one hear from people?
This friend has been in this mode for the last year, so even if she's a friend, I have to watch that also. You know these people that start calling you w/their drama, then when things balance out, you don't hear from them. Yikes!
I hope the fibromyalgia calms down. Much Love, Margeaux

Emjo: Thank you for the reply. Yes, my husband has become an addicted smoker. His temper is coming around more often now. Unemployed too. But mom is getting closer to end of life. She spills everything. Arthritis & glaucoma have disabled her. I just have to press on.

((((((LillyLu)))))). That must be very hard, Is there any way your mum could move to be closer to you? In my view you and your hubby should come first. It must be very difficult to look after your mum and also your husband. How are you doing in the midst of it all? You have qute a heavy load.

I am 1762. Yes, my marriage is dysfunctional since I spend so much time with my mother 1,500 miles away. My hubby has a hearing disability and needs care too.