The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi everyone!!

I haven't posted in a while, been sick with bronchitis/sinus infection. I did work yesterday but I called off today because I am still coughing a lot and that does not make good customer service in a bakery/deli, Lol!!

Cmag~I am happy to hear your wife is doing well after the surgery and walking, exercising. I hope you get some time for yourself as it has been a long haul for both of you. It sounds like you have awesome neighbors that are looking out for you. Take it easy and things will get better soon!

Enriched~Hugs to you dear friend. You are in a tough situation to say the least. When you were going to Al Anon, did you learn about "detaching with love" and setting boundaries? These two things are vital when dealing with dysfunctional families and addictions. You must accept that you are powerless over your mother's alcoholism and cannot change it...only your mother can choose to make those changes. Probably the only way you can find out if your mother's behavior in the evenings is due to dementia or the alcohol would be thru a medical exam or if she quit drinking and the problem still exists. Based on what you have already written, she would refuse to have a medical exam. So what do you do....you put your life and mental health first. Develop a life of your own that includes setting boundaries and detachment from your mother. Preferably live in a separate home. How old is your mother, is she receiving SS, medicare or are you supporting her? It sounds like your mother has her own income from what you have written. The bottom line is that you cannot save your mother or control her behavior but you can change your life. My heart goes out to you and I hope we hear more from you on this thread!

Save urself and called adult protective services obviously she is not making sound decisions and needs place in a nursing home and u should not feel guilty about doing all of that...some ppl cannot escape their vices but my parents have but if ur getting the villainy crap when ur doing a good deed then ur done..ur energy is sapped and ur life and strength is sapped...do something to save urself and to distance urself to once a wk visit. if you have mpoa or poa get it reinforced with the doctors and then do what is necessary...i feel for u and u are dying to live a life free and in the end all the issues u are facing will come back in other ways..you done what u could...tho it may hurt do it the right thing.

I am currently in my mother's house so I see FAR more than my non-participative siblings [bro an MD!!!! sis a bi-polar sister w/explosive mania—both out of town].
I am greatly concerned about whether my mother's 'after 5' behavior is purely from the alcohol or God-forbid, dementia [this is the very first time for me to 'say' this out loud so-to-speak]. I am noticing increasing memory loss and am stressed beyond words. I have participated in Al-Anon for years & need to re-visit [it killed my father so I have seen how awful this addiction truly is—both parents for my entire life] and must add that am estranged from my siblings who are in denial & like to feel I am here taking advantage of my mother because it is so much more convenient for them in terms of NOT DEALING w/ THE ISSUES!!!! I am the handyman, honey-doer, lunch date, ceiling fan cleaner, chef to the stars, safety officer, crime watch captain etc…
Two nights ago my mother & I argued over an issue re: her forgetfulness and she was inebriated—I must add, it was more like me pleading for a lucid response which I know I cannot get from her in the evening but is the only time we have to talk since I work full time [w/handicapped adults]. I asked why she does not get her hearing checked [the tv is BLASTING] & she blurted/screamed that she is taking care of/worried about her eyes first [macular degeneration & retinol folding] which entails finances. I have asked her repeatedly to please let me know when she needs additional $$ for the Dr. appt's & rx's BUT SHE WILL NOT DISCUSS IT & chooses to drink it away every night making physical matter much worse than they already are. Please note that I do pay rent & for groceries & my finances are limited as well. I have approached my siblings MANY times but my mother makes me out to be 'dramatic' and again, polarizes my siblings, allowing them to remain [inactive] as they are as well as target me. I have tried EVERY approach I can think of & have even asked my mother to participate in mobile crisis counseling w/me which she vehemently refuses. I am interviewing for a second job next week but come home so exhausted from work that I often go to bed before 9 pm, also to avoid witnessing the drinking. I am perfectly miserable in this house & need to move on but am TERRIFIED that when I am not here to turn off burners or GAS that has been on all day or all night after I go to bed she will blow this place up and/or the neighbors—not to mention her falling inebriated in the nightly tub w/her glass container cocktail! To top things off, she told me the night we were having our 'heated' discussion—out of the blue—that if I lost 20 to 30 lbs. I would extend my life span—this was NOT a supportive remark, but rather hateful & biting. I have been very honest w/her about my deep upset & frustration about my [early] post-menopausal weight gain and just recently had my thyroid tested—next is hormones [hmm stress-related???]. It was so hateful & I am so very deeply hurt by this that we are not speaking [again]. She drove to her twin's home 50 miles away [just moved that FAR AWAY!!!] where she will spend the weekend & drink heavily w/her! My aunt also finds it most convenient to villainize me, as does her husband—sick, sick, sick dynamics & DENIAL. I must add that the binding force might well be that I am the ONLY family member that participates in Al-Anon which rattles them ALL to no end! Perfect alcoholic dysfunction!
So, do I hoard my $$ so that I can move out [while feeling horrifically guilty for not turning over all but what I use for my personal bills]? Do I rent a small apt. nearby for respite—again feeling guilty about not handing this $$ to her? I am @ my wit's end & the new 'hateful' behavior is more than I can put up with on top of everything else!
I am a very intelligent, well-educated individual but I also know that I suffer w/what I call Wonder Woman Syndrome. How do I prepare myself for 'that call' if/when I move out?
I have responded to so very many topics and am so very resourceful. I guess the proximity, history & emotions involved render me ineffective when it comes to my own mother. I am so isolated, have zero social life nor the energy for one & feel like I am 'whining' and/or not 'something' enough [self esteem has taken a huge hit!]. I will be signing up for counseling this week w/o fail!
The amazing people involved in this forum have offered such loving, supportive input, so in anticipation—THANK YOU.
If my mother [siblings/family] would just say thank you, I'm sorry, nice job ONCE IN A WHILE…or once.

I'd never heard of renting a ramp either until someone suggested that I google about ramps and I found a mobility business here in town that rents as well as sells ramps, etc. The ramp comes in two parts which fold in half and are light enough to carry in each hand. After you fold the two sides out, you connect them in the middle. This makes a ramp that can carry up to 600 lbs. They only rent this one. It is 10 feet long and is for steps less than 20 inches off of the ground which the back steps to our deck are. The frozen meals that I have in the freezer are healthy choice and weight watchers which the ones I pick are good. Yes, we were blessed that nothing more was found wrong with my wife's knee, she didn't have the nausea problem to the extent she had last time she had some surgery, and these neighbors were nice to bring us over such nice food. We had been invited to this party which included several other of our neighbors, but like I told Norman, I did not think my wife would be up to attending today. We have lived in this neighborhood since 2005 and this is the first time we have been invited to anything like that. I put the seafood up that I saved for her. I don't know how long oyster stew, steamed crab legs, and steamed shrimp last. Plus, I still need to crack those crab legs to get the meat out. That is work. Thanks for the support!

Cmag I hope things will get better as time goes on and your wife recovers from the surgery-you have a lot on your plate right now.

Cmagnum,I have never heard of renting a ramp but hey, if it works it works. I just try to find the small positive things to help lift me up n it works sometimes. For instances, Your wife knee is squeaky clean n it's less painful for her. Thanks to having good neighbors, you have a whole awesome already cooked meal n it sounds very tasty too. Sorry your wife is not up to that but give her some time n she be back eating again. Some of those frozen items like mac/ cheese by Stouffers is really good. I will microwave a hotdog weenie n slice it up n mixed those two together n it makes a whole meal for me. It is okay to feel a little down n let things go a bit for you have a lot on your plate. You are only human so breath n see if u can find some small things r positive around you n see if it helps.

Here is an update on me and my wife. The adding the post operation pain pill to the mixture of meds (some of which are for pain already) has meant some extra sleep and some dizziness. The arthroscopic surgery did not find anything extra that was damaged about her knee. So they just cleaned things up in there which has meant the knee does feel better apart from the fact it was just operated early Thursday morning. The ramp that we rented worked great for wheeling her in and out of the house that day. Unlike other surgeries she has had, this time the nausea was bad like it has been before. She's been getting up and about like they want her to with a walker, but today has tried some to walk without it. A neighbor brought us some oyster stew, steamed shrimp, crab legs, and corn on the cobb from a big cookout party that he had going today. That was very nice, but my wife is not ready for solid food yet and even the oyster stew was pushing the limits a bit. I was very glad to get out of the house this afternoon to go buy groceries. I'm doing fine, but I've gone three days now and forgotten my mid day meds. I find myself wanting to eat quick snack food instead of fixing one of those frozen meals that I bought for this experience. I've been trying to not let my depression rule me and get things done despite feeling depressed, but it is tough. I've not read anymore in this book about ways to keep your depression from keeping you from getting things done.

I researched it too and what I found is that there is a slight risk of an explosion...right conditions. Better to err on the side of safety.

Ha! I seemed to have forwarded a Debunked information according to Snopes. So, don't thank me for sending it..However, I Will side on the Precaution! You just never know that you might be the One Exception to the Rule!!! =)

Thanks for info Book!!

lildeb.... thanks for your post. Yes, I have thought MANY times about why I am doing this... taking care of 'gran' / maggie. lol. There are a few reasons... one is that I know for a fact there is no one else to do it and her son that died a year ago had drained all of her assets, so she has no money to go to a home (as far as I can tell, unless there are gov. agencies, and they would treat her bad! ) I know she lived a tough life being married to an alcoholic/abuser and I want her to have some peaceful, happy last years with the love she never got. Next is my faith has given me a peace about doing it, and really I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be even though it is dang hard at times!! You are right about the boundaries, and I have been reading books and things online about learning how to do that and stick to it. I have been doing that and it does make a big difference in my stress level. And I used to make sure she didn't feel like anyone was 'against' her, so when she said things that were hateful or untrue (usually about my kids or her son, or me) I would just smile and let her talk. Now, I kindly state my opinion, or the truth and allow her to have her opinion. That has helped a lot. I also have a schedule put in place recently which is very helpful!!! Before, I would let her talk (sometimes it takes an hour or two to have what should be a 15 minute conversation because she can't get her thoughts out very well.) until she wanted to stop and it could be literally hours. Now I 'guide' the conversations and am much more productive physically and mentally. Thanks so much for being out there in cyber world to listen and to encourage and give advice. Did I tell ya'll that I have gotten a referral from her dr. to get to a neurologist? That should be happening in a couple of weeks. :)

I know that it's been a while since I dropped by. Been having a bit of a problem this past week. A client of ours emailed this to us. I thought you all might find it useful with regards to fuelling your car at the gas station.....

KEEP THIS IN MIND WHEN THOSE 'REALLY IMPORTANT' PHONE CALLS COME IN!!

Warning From Shell Oil Company
Please send this information to ALL your family & friends, especially those who have kids in the car with them while pumping gas. If this were to happen, they may not be able to get the children out in time.

MUST READ, EVEN IF YOU DON'T OWN A CAR.

Safety Alert!
Here are some reasons why we don't allow cell phones in operating areas, propylene oxide handling and storage area, propane, gas and diesel refueling areas.

The Shell Oil Company recently issued a warning after three incidents in which mobile phones (cell phones) ignited fumes during fueling operations

In the first case, the phone was placed on the car's trunk lid during fueling; it rang and the ensuing fire destroyed the car and the gasoline pump.

In the second, an individual suffered severe burns to their face when fumes ignited as they answered a call while refueling their car!

And in the third, an individual suffered burns to the thigh and groin as fumes ignited when the phone, which was in their pocket, rang while they were fueling their car.

You should know that: Mobile Phones can ignite fuel or fumes

Mobile phones that light up when switched on or when they ring release enough energy to provide a spark for ignition

Mobile phones should not be used in filling stations, or when fueling lawn mowers, boat, etc.

Mobile phones should not be used, or should be turned off, around other materials that generate flammable or explosive fumes or dust, (I.e., solvents, chemicals, gases, grain dust, etc...)

TO sum it up, here are the Four Rules for Safe Refueling:

1) Turn off engine
2) Don't smoke
3) Don't use your cell phone - leave it inside the vehicle or turn it off
4) Don't re-enter your vehicle during fueling.

Bob Renkes of Petroleum Equipment Institute is working on a campaign to try and make people aware of fires as a resul t of 'static electricity' at gas pumps. His company has researched 150 cases of these fires.

His results were very surprising:

1) Out of 150 cases, almost all of them were women.

2) Almost all cases involved the person getting back in their vehicle while the nozzle was still pumping gas. When finished, they went back to pull the nozzle out and the fire started, as a result of static.

3) Most had on rubber-soled shoes.

4) Most men never get back in their vehicle until completely finished. This is why they are seldom involved in these types of fires.

5) Don't ever use cell phones when pumping gas

6) It is the vapors that come out of the gas that cause the fire, when connected with static charges.

7) There were 29 fires where the vehicle was re-entered and the nozzle was touched during refueling from a variety of makes and models. Some resulted in extensive damage to the vehicle, to the station, and to the customer.

8) Seventeen fires occurred before, during or immediately after the gas cap was removed and before fueling began.

Mr. Renkes stresses to NEVER get back into your vehicle while filling it with gas.
If you absolutely HAVE to get in your vehicle while the gas is pumping, make sure you get out, close the door TOUCHING THE METAL, before you ever pull the nozzle out. This way the static from your body will be discharged before you ever remove the nozzle.
As I mentioned earlier, The Petroleum Equipment Institute, along with several other companies now, are really trying to make the public aware of this danger.

I ask you to please send this information to ALL your family and friends, especially those who have kids in the car with them while pumping gas. If this were to happen to them, they may not be able to get the children out in time. Thanks for passing this along.

Thank you, Envisionnow; sometimes it is difficult for people ...those on the outside of my situation to see that I am trying and battling on all fronts. My husband is a blessing for me in that we have remain faithful and he knows I am not alkie and I still have some bad vices but they are not consistent or true. I been having trouble sleeping wondering what I am going to do for xmas for the kids since all my money has to go the bills and my school loans. My landlord likes to think he can rob people on disability which I hate and I do not know if anyone read that article on yahoo about the teen that died in a nursing home after being removed from her mother's care and she is disabled herself. It makes me wonder if that is their hidden agenda and my son may have possible adhd so I have to get referral for him. My biggest prayer and new yrs wishes are to have CPS off my case and second job in place to secure the means to move to a better location in AZ. I am beginning to enjoy this life and knowing that how the challenges can make us stronger or bring us down we figure how to do the battle and fight the battles we can carry our own jedi powers and keeping that nasty gollum off our backs believe that will be the holiday tradition of watching Lotr trilogy btw does anyone knoow how I can get the full set of star wars found and added to my amazon digital lbrary been looking for it so i can buy it and that is my dysfunctional holiday tradition marathon of star wars and the christmas story followed by go to bed but this new yrs eve kids are gonna stay up until midnight to ring in 2013.

For those of you who struggle thru the holidays with other expectations as well as your own, there is a great article on this site about expectations during the holidays, reducing the caregivers stress level so she/he can enjoy the holidays with family as well. It is worth reading especially for those caregivers who continue to provide all the desired wishes for others in creating a heartfelt holiday setting while running ragged from home to everywhere else.

burnedncaringst, WOW, it sounds like your world is spinning out of control. I hope and pray that you will be able to let CPS know that you will be very willing to take any help that they can provide i.e, counseling, parenting classes, whatever services that will help you and your family. I grew up in an abusive home too, and I went to a wonderful church, Calvery Chapel, and learned how to forgive. I loved my Mom more than anything in the world, but I learned how to forgive her for staying in a situation that was abusive for all of us. It is Battered Women's Syndrome, I hope you will Google it, and read about how it affected your Mom and your family. I know for me understanding why things happened the way they did helped me to forgive and love with all my heart. Also, I went to years of counseling, it took awhile to find the right counseler, but it was worth it. I still deal with a lot of issues, but now I have some good coping skills that help. God Bless you and I pray that you allow people to help you through this most difficut time in your life. Love & Hugs to you, Teresa

kdwildflower, Sorry the holiday did not go too well. Why would u in the first place even help with the Ex of anything or anyone? You have to look at why his he your ex? Then ask yourself, why am I helping him? You did say your one sister calls n checks on your so, not everyone in the family treat you bad. Tried to look at that a positive as possible. It is their own fault if they cannot appreciate a good person when they see one. Brush them off except that one sister n go on n live your life for you deserve better than being used. I agree with Magnum, that you need to set some boundaries n stick to them. Good luck n keep us posted on how YOU r doing.
Sharyn, I see you have those days like me sometimes. At least you get to leave. Next time mom calls ya, maybe consider giving her time to look for the stuff that she loss so you won't waste any of your time n gas. Looks like you had to go back anyway to balance the checkbook. It was funny about the dog n her in the seat. gotta luv it.
Everyone take care of yourself.

Cmag, saying a prayer for you n sorry your wife n dad r not doing as well. I can see why u have the 'man-cave.' I kinda of wish I had one but a woman-cave. Today was horrible with the mnl. ah!!! trying to get her to take a bath for its been a wk n one day since last one. Plus, she hasn't washed that hair over a month. She is capable of doing it herself n walks just fine too. It is just the arguing with her to get it done. You can only use that leave - in shampoo for so many times before that nasty ass scalp needs washing. Maybe I should consider shaving her head bald then she won't have to wash the nasty crap! Just joking everyone, for I never would do that to her. But it was funny for the moment.

God,s girl I am happy you took steps to make your life better and got the help you needed-ggod for you and now in tern you will be an example to others here and be able to point others in the way to change what they need to to make their lives better.

GodsGirl~I am so happy you have found such a wonderful place for your mother! It sounds like a win win situation. Without knowing your mother's health history or your relationship with her, I am still happy for you because your mother will be taken care of, have opportunities to socialize with other's her own age while you continue to advocate and visit, and you and your hubby can reconnect with your marriage and life. Blessings to you and your mother!!

The past four years my mom has been living with hubby & me. Many many many times I vented and asked advise through these discussions. Well I am proud to announce I finally grew a backbone and placed mom in a retirement community today!!!! I know we still have a long road ahead but I actually have my home back and peace on earth. I always thought we couldn't afford a retirement home that we would have to wait until she needed a nursing home but I finally sucked it up and used the referral services from this web site and it worked! They matched me with a senior care team in my area - and within just a few days we were able to move mom to a nice place only 10 miles away. Since dad served durning World War II - mom has access to vet funds, plus her social security, plus hubby is willing to kick in and help make up the diff. Is that sweet or what? I think mom is going to love her new home - we totally surprised her after everything was signed and her room was furnished and all she needed was her clothes. We told her we were going for a visit to a retirement home so she could get the care and attention she deserved. It worked. Wish I could show you a pic - it is beautiful. So many amenities we should all be so blessed. We left her without the car - because they provided transportation to doc visits, drug stores, wal mart. - sweet. Plus my office is just down the road. They even have a beauty shop, weekly housekeeping with linens & towels provided. She doesn't have to cook - they have chefs on staff cooking homemade meals 3 times a day in the beautiful dinning room. Lots of activities and they even have a beauty shop, mail service, and security systems. Mom said it seemed like a place where someone could grow old without feeling useless! Bam - home run. I have lots of work remaining cleaning out all that she has hoarded in her rooms here at the house - I just have to keep chipping away at it. And I have to find a way to make her understand how to budget her "spending" money - thinking of a weekly envelope system?
Me & Hubby did the Happy Dance Tonight!!!! Woo Hoo. Plus my Cowboys won so I'm looking forward to a great week. Thank You all for listening & for all your advise & encouragement getting me to this point.

hi all,

I had talk with my dad about things going on here and he tells me to get rid of the liquor ...like i was being accused of being wasted every night..totally false which is why I made the speech I did on the other thread. It hurt me to think that even my other friend made such statement. I grew up with 2 abusive fathers with verbal attacks and physical punishment ...guess what they both drank while my mother as much as i have forgiven her for the past just let the abuse happen to her and us kids. The only person that never experienced what we went thru was my half sister who I barely know except that she is somewhere in california. I apologize to my twin not to long ago..i found out her fourth has aspergers and she is on bedrest with her 5th pregnancy at her age given she has a heart murmur and everything else. I now see how i develop my anxiety disorder and back pain is not helping much..tonight i got to get hubby cleaned up soon he has appt on dec 6th to see the cardiologist. I haven't change but with all that I am dealing with is unbelieveable..I been dealing with CPS ...claiming that i am neglecting my kids...personally it's all bogus but now they want me to do this or that ..or they will remove our kids...I have done nothing wrong and they are going based on a report from indpls that is over 5 yrs old and harassing me so i am in the process of fighting them with my own wits and complaints. I do anything and will die for my kids to protect them...they do not know that i would take a bullet or worse for them because that is the way I am.

Austin, yes, my "Man Cave" provides me an escape from everything else. This has been one very long year of my wife having one physical ailment after another and we have only attended church once or twice this year which is not normal for us.

My dad had a 3 hour psychological evaluation last week and is sure that he failed it, but will not hear the results for two weeks. He is now using a walker out of fear of falling and he told me tonight that his wife's mind is declining quickly plus she does not have much longer to live with her pulmonary fibrosis.

My mother remains the same and just might outlive us all as my dad claims, but who knows.

While I listen, I don't think I respond as much like I did at one time for either someone has already made a great response or I don't have the energy for it or it hits so close to home that I just might say something very blunt which is not my usual style. I'm glad to have started this thread back in January of this year and see how many people it has helped! I'm glad for this whole site which I think joined back in 2010, left and then came back again.

Love, prayers, and hugs for all.

kdwildflower, I'm so sorry for your painful experience on Thanksgiving. If I were you, I don't think that I'd ever go back. Set some boundaries and inform people how you will and will not tolerate being treated plus come up with some concrete consequences for when those boundaries are broken. Easier said than done, but it does help.

Shary thank you for the printout about emotional abuse -wish I had that years ago to help explain to our Pastor why I needed to get a divorce - he had about 97 % of the traits-that was after CPS got after him for physical abuse-that was great for you to share -all social workers should see that. Cmag -it sounds like you really have a rough life and you are so willing to listen to our problems and concerns-I hope your man cave gives you some relief from life in general. kdwild-did you learn something from your TD from hell -like learning to detatch yourself from those toxic people-I sure hope you have thought about what you will not tolerate from others-Dr Phil says in his books we teach others how to treat us and I am working on that with someone in my life right nowand we sure can learn from each other in our AC family-I have been away from AC threads that I follow-my computer was down and sure am glad to have it back.

how am I doing today? bad. Since Thanksgiving - when I made my ex mil's thanksgiving dinner, for her, my ex and my children. She decided to lash out at me before I went home and told me she didn't need me. So I have stayed away. My ex keeps asking me to come over and help her like I usuallly do, but I am SO TIRED of this treatment. My own family disowned me when i divorced an abusive man..(long story) except for one sister. she called me a few days ago to tell me that my father had died. I'm not really sad about that too much, but I'm very depressed about the fact that everyone in my life tends to treat me sooo bad and take advantage of me. I hope this passes. thanks for listening

Margeaux~Thank you, I appreciate your comment.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. It must have been an unexpected event from what you posted and that makes it more of a loss! I am happy to hear that you didn't play into your sister's game. I know what you mean about being people pleaser. I struggle with that too. I work on keeping a distance as well.
Today I took my mom and her dog to the vet. The dog has an on going infection that they say can be corrected by surgery but mom doesn't want to spend the money. It was quite comical watching my mom get in the car with her dog. The dog wants to be glued to mom's hip hogging the seat and mom is trying to decide whether to shut the car door or buckle her seat belt while the dog is wrapping the leash around her legs and mom's seat belt!!, Lol. Anyway got that done, took mom to the bank so she could withdraw cash (she prefers to pay cash cuz it can't be traced like a check...her paranoia). I took her back home and everything was fine. Then she calls me 30 minutes later, her checkbook register shows she is overdrawn and she can't find her other keys. So off I go back to her house, when I get there she has found the keys, Lol!! I took her checkbook register with me and spent the afternoon going thru that. I found some minor subtraction errors plus she hadn't added in her SS deposit and a monthly deposit from Met Life. I ended up fudging some #'s along with the deposits she hadn't added in and balanced it with what the bank shows her balance is minus the withdrawal today. When my sister takes over her finances all she can do is go by what the bank shows and go from there. It's been a Falalalala day, Lol!! Wishing everyone a good day and a better tomorrow!! Hugs to All!!

Margeaux, thanks for the compliment, but I'd attribute it more to how my mother wired me as her only child which has often led me to ignore my own thoughts and feelings about things, plus not say them, as well as not take that good of care of myself. Basically, I did not have an identity or feelings apart from mom early on and I had quite a battle getting my freedom which also took therapy to get free of.

I went to my man cave tonight to work on the family Christmas letter, but also to take a break which meant I stayed out there longer than it really took to work on the letter and print a rough draft out on the color printer. I'm trying my best to not left my wife get me to do things that she can do for herself. Like, yes she can only get around with her walker, but I don't have to be the meds dispenser at med times. No, she can do that. I have my own meds and schedule to keep up with. We are getting a ramp to go on the backyard steps leading to our deck the day before her surgery and will rent it for about two weeks. She's supposed to get around using her crutches for two weeks before starting PT on both feet so to speak. It is tough getting up and down stairs even with a railing and having to use crutches. I am more than ready for her to get mobile again.

Basically, my day goes like this. Get up late in the am, hand her her medicine bottles which we keep in a big bag, then go fix breakfast for the two of us, then she takes a shower after which I help dry her off, get dressed and put a brace on each foot, then do something like wash clothes-empty or fill the dishwasher-or take her to a doctor's appointment, etc. either get a take out for us to eat as lunch or fix it myself, but if breakfast is real late, we too often skip lunch and have an early supper which I fix after which there is always something for me to do.

For example, part of my to do list for today was to put away the Thanksgiving decorations in the house and out of the yard and begin putting up the Christmas decorations, plus maybe get a tree which will be much shorter this year. All of this was on today's agenda since there was not a doctor's appointment, but various other things distracted my attention in that direction.

There are not any doctor's appointments tomorrow, so I can get to that then. However, I do find that when I drive her out of town to see some doctors like I did yesterday and we spend most of the day out, the next day I don't have as much energy. Well, I am tired for ever since her mental health failed back in 1998 and she started being hospitalized in 2000 which are not as frequent as they once were and her mental health is better than it was, I've been doing a lot of caretaking of my wife not to mention having to fill in for her with raising two boys when she was in really bad shape mentally.

Well, I've vented a plenty tonight which I tend to do from time to time when I'm full of it like now. Well, supper is over and I'm going to work more on the photos for the Christmas letter and then escape to my 'man cave'!!!!!!! It would probably be better if I walked the dog, but that remains to be done for I don't always feel up to it and it is getting cold now.

Sharynmarie,
We may at times misread the posts. Sometimes when I've been catching up I end up reading to many and I get all mixed up. Well I don't think you are ever off the mark. I think this is all part of ourselves too, and learning to be way more discerning with the behaviors of our relatives. I definitely know for myself, it's learning to say NO, not just to them but also to some old patterns and behaviors about myself. I'm trying to be more aware of not being such a people pleaser, which I've been!! This isn't getting it anymore for me.
But anyway I always welcome your comments and ideas, they are valuable!
Much Love, Margeaux

Well I have had a busy last few days. The day before TG, a cousin of mine called.
Since she rarely calls me, and for the hour it was, I thought she was going to give me some bad news about her elderly mother. But much to my surprise she informed me that her older sister had died the day before. The deceased cousin was a rather estranged member of the family. Apparently from the few details her sister shared, she had a non-alcoholic type of cirrhosis of the liver. Catholics take two days to bury their deceased. So my husband and me drove a distance to the wake. Next morning I awoke at a very early hour to drive to my cousins and meet up w/her. We then rode together to the church for a Mass and then the burial.
This is my same cousin I had made the ride out with during the summer to our cousin's gathering, and with whom my sister is having issues with.
So my cousin and her daughter told me that the night of the wake, my sister snubbed them; acted as if she didn't see them. Since I live a real drive to where all services were held, my cousin had originally invited me to come stay the night, this way I wouldn't have especially the morning drive to the mass in early morning rush hour traffic. But then my husband decided to go the night before to the wake, so that put a monkey wrench into that plan. I must admit, that also since there's this unspoken tension between my cousin and sister, I felt somewhat stressed whether to tell my sister that I was going to spend the night and go w/cousin. So thank you Sharymarie, for the article about all the red flags and abusive behavior. My sister has tons of them. After I thought long and hard, I decided I would go w/my cousin, and that I wasn't going to make a big issue out of it, e.g., tell my sister about it, etc. Besides if I do this, it feels as if I'm guilty of WHAT?, or I'm asking for my sis's overbearing permission. Well, we all saw one another cousin, me, sis at all the service. At first, I sensed form sis that she was behaving somewhat distanced, even towards me. But I didn't play into it at all!!
We all met up at the deceased's sister's home after for a reception. I felt for our cousin and especially their mom. Later, my sister arrived w/our mom, and our elderly aunt was so happy to see her. Mother has been having some awake days. I can't remember if I'd written she had something like this on TG. On these days, of course she isn't in sleep mode as usual. She reverts some how to her old self, not as withdrawn. But she would hug the cousins, remember some names, and forget others. Again as prior to TG, she's also been remembering her deceased sister-the narcissist, and informing people of her death as if it were only a week ago. I'm happy about this and the fact that she's fessing up to it instead of keeping her feelings bottled up.
Anyway, I did have a good chance to talk with my cousin, and we shared feelings about my sister. Of course I do filter what I share w/my cousin about any real feelings my sister has shared with me. I don't want to add fuel to any possible fire.
However in speaking with my cousin I got some info. about my sister's daughters and how they've behaved in front of her with respect to mom. More insight!!
But I did tell my cousin, also that I basically try to keep some kind of neutrality with people. Life is just that way, via circumstances we do have to interact, be somewhat civil. Oh!!!!! I'm really trying to work on this. But anyway I'm glad I made my own decision to do this, and it wasn't dictated by my sister's control vibe!! HAAH!! Margeaux

Cmagnum,
Well what can be said is you are still a wonderful man, and I don't know how you deal with you wife. I hope somewhere deep down, she appreciates all that you do for her. About she being exhausted after deciding to take the trip, one can't have it both ways many times, and this is one of them.
I sure hopes she gets better soon on the end w/she being mobile. Definitely I hope also, that you can get some rest for yourself, you certainly deserve it,
Maybe it's time for you to retreat back into the Man Cave! You and your's are in my thoughts! Much Love & Light! Margeaux