The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I welcome your new thread. Our dysfunctions would be a great thread also.
Looking forward to reading. I wish great Success on your new adventure.

Joan~I am so sorry for your friend. It is so tragic to a family when a member takes their own life just as it is tragic to lose a member so young. It is understandable that it would bring up your own feelings about your Gordie and not wanting to deal with your mother when you go to Edmonton for the funeral. I know we are taught not to lie especially to our parents but under the circumstances, I would do the same thing. Retail therapy is good once in a while, I bought a pair of shoes from QVC today! I needed a new pair so it was practical but it also helped me feel a little better about my mother. As horrible as she has been as a mother with the personality disorder and all the abuse growing up, I can't help but feel so much compassion for her with the Alz and knowing that she must be soooo paranoid right now to write a note to my sister (thinking that my sister is watching her every move).

APS told my sister that no one is available to talk with her on the weekend unless it is an emergency so she will have to wait until Monday. My sister may not want to call from work because she has no privacy to make the call without everyone hearing her conversation. I may have to do it on Tuesday when I'm off again.

Jessie~I have read on this site where people has said that their parent progressed past this paranoia stage but with my mother I'm not sure how that will work because she has a paranoid personality disorder too. I hope that is what happens. In the mean time she is targeting my sister big time because my sister does have access to her accounts and my sister's financial situation is very tight and my mother knows that so that is why I think she targets her and not me. Plus my mother always has thought of me as being irresponsible and not being able to handle money. To this day she believes I do not know how to balance a checking account, Lol!! My sister is the one who made a lot of bad decisions during her adult life and I have been very stable through my adult life but you know how it is, parents makes a decision about their children when the child is young and that is what they stick with regarding that child.

APS can intervene when an elderly parent is making bad decisions for themselves, putting themselves in danger, and not able to take care of themselves. In my mother's case, I do not know if she is legally incompetent yet. She is making bad decisions, can't balance her checkbook anymore, and is very paranoid and distrustful of me and my sister. We are trying to avoid losing DPOA when she does become incompetent but we may have to give it over to the state because of her paranoia and distrust. I am guessing that my mother is entering the 4th stage now. She can't organize her thoughts to deal with paperwork anymore but she can still take basic care of herself and the house. I do believe she will get worse with her paranoia before it gets better, if that makes sense. If she would only agree to take an antidepressant to help with the anxiety she has, it would make her life so much more pleasant, but because of the PD, all she wants to do it FIGHT everything that comes up and anyone who gets in her way. In a lot of ways it just comes down to a waiting game of when things progress enough so my sister and I can activate the DPOA when she becomes legally incompetent. We want to follow my parents instructions regarding their Living Will but we can't do that until she becomes incompetent.

I have so much on my mind right now that I could just ramble on and on but it would solve anything right now. Bless you for saying I am a angel for hanging on this long as I do not feel like and angel by having to lie to mother and distance myself from her for my own sanity but I have no choice and it keeps me healthier!
I hope everyone has a great weekend with their family and friends♥. I am off Tuesday-Friday next week have lots to do those 4 days!! Thanks for letting me vent and ramble on!!! Hugs to everyone!

It sounds so much about the dementia I've read about in many people, Sharyn. I have met quite a few people with Alz lately. Some seem happy and are very pleasant, though I know their caregivers are ever watchful. Come to think of it, everyone I've met lately with Alz has been pleasant. It may be because the ones that are angry and violent are kept at home or in a facility. I've read it can be pretty bad as the disease progresses through the middle stage. I thought my mother might have Alz for a while, but now I think it was just drugs making her so bad. It was very bad, so I know a lot of what you are going through. I didn't know what to do when she became violent and nasty.

APS was a good idea. I do not know how much they can do. I know they investigate abuse, but they do so much more. I had a friend in Columbus, GA, who used to take mentally ill people shopping as part of her job. She would take them one at a time. I know her job was interesting. :)

A lot of people write that people get past the nasty stage of dementia as they progress. I don't know how long that can take. You are an angel to hang in there with your mother. I know many people would have already given up.

retail therapy!

I used my nebulizer which helped.

Yes, it would be helpful if I could figure out why this visit was more draining. I am clueless.

Thanks cmag. I went out and shopped today to get my mind off it, and it worked. I found some small jars for canning as I want to send some chutney and/or jams for gifts. This is a new venture for me. I only canned once many years before. Sorry to hear about your allergies - mine seem to be year round, but thankfully I don't get asthma. Also sorry to hear that seeing your mum was more draining this time. It would be good if you could figure out why - it might help you look after yourself and avoid it happening again. I don't see my mother unless I feel up to it. It is too stressful. If something happened to her, I would go regardless, but on a routine basis I go when I feel up to it.

Emjo, I'll be praying for you.

sharyn, my new meds are doing fine. It is allergy season now and my asthma is acting up. I'm going by the drug store to pick up some albuterole to use with my nebulizer.

I visited my mother two days ago in the nursing home. It normally takes about a day to regain some energy, but this time it has taken two days for some reason that I cannot put my finger on.

Emjo I agree not telling your mom that you will be there-you have enough to handle with the death without your mom wanting all your attention. Cmag good to hear from you and do hope you are doing ok.

sharyn -I hope you are free of pain -I think it is a good idea to let your sis deal with what is between her and your mom, however crazy it might be. I don't think you can entirely distinguish between the mental illness and the dementia - both of them are illnesses, though different, though the docs will try to for treatment's sake. I find it helps me to realise that mother's behaviour, though it seems "evil" at time, or crazy, is due to illness of some kind. Simon sounds interesting -Siameses are different I am glad he settled down after that fight. Maybe Toonie will. Tiger sounds like a good companion.
(((((((((((((((((jessie)))))))))))))) it never ends does it. Mother says that she wants nothing more than that the two of us (sisters) would get along, but then she plays games and manipulates between us. I don't answer. I think you are right that your mum has no idea how damaged her relationship with you is. I am sure mine has no idea. It is sad that those who are related by blood cannot form normal family units. Jessie, like littleton, I have formed relationships along the way in life -and I have sisters by friendship if not by blood. I also have a few brothers by friendship, and definitely have had some substitute mums.
littleton - I also have found that gentle honesty does not work. There is a lifetime of denial that remains. I must say I don't feel much like a daughter either -never have - more like Cinderella. I am very thankful for friends too, for parents of friends as I grew up, for aunts and uncles and cousins, and for my ex mil who I have remained friends with.
Hi cmag - good to see you posting. Good articles

sharyn re your most recent post - I am glad your sis called APS. Your mom has been progressing downward, and getting more and more paranoid etc I have dreaded that this might happen with my mother, but hasn't so far. If one is appointed, your mother will likely eventually not trust a state appointed guardian either, but they will know how to handle things. It can be too stressful for a family member. Hopefully the social worker will be helpful. It does seem that your mum needs help, that she will not take from you or your sis.

I am saddened for a friend whose y0ung adult son has taken his life. I believe the funeral will be in Edmonton next week. Of course with mother there, it gets complicated as if she knows if I am coming she will want me to spend all my time with her, and likely create a crisis to try to make that happen. The solution is to not tell her. Not that I am 100% comfortable with that, but it is the most practical. I will not be in good shape to see her anyway, and put up with the complaints at that time. It is bringing back some feelings about Gordie just because it is the death of a young man.

Thank you cmag, I read the articles and it does shed some light on my mother's situation. My sister called APS and is now waiting for a social worker to call her back. I think we are going to have to have a state appointed guardian take over care for mother since she doesn't trust us. I hope you are feeling better with the new meds. You haven't posted in a while but you are in all our thoughts!!

Good question which I googled and found the following articles.

http://www.thechicagobridge.org/alzheimers-disease-is-it-a-mental-illness/

http://www.fortherecordmag.com/archives/042809p24.shtml

My goodness...how can a mind become so broken? My mother is so convinced my sister is getting in her house when she is not home that she left a note for my sister on the kitchen counter telling my sister to stay out of her house and out of her files. Mother then left the house, came back read the note and forgot she wrote it and called my sister accusing her of having written the note. Is this all Alz or is part of it mental illness? It is so mind boggling I just don't know anymore.

littletonway, it is not a good feeling for sure. It would be nice to feel like someone's daughter or someone's sister. I think this creates a huge gap in out lives. I imagine a lot of other people have the same gaps. You are so lucky to have your in-laws and friends. I know they help keep you grounded.

JesseBelle...sounds like you have a good handle on what has/is going on. I tried gentle honesty and Mother will not listen. It was hard but I've somewhat detached from feeling like anyone's daughter.

I have wonderful friends and in-law family and that is where my happiness comes from.

Well, a little on the ongoing saga with my mother. Today was a day of honesty. My mother hatched a plan today where I was going to do a lot of things to pull my brothers in closer to the family. I told her it had been 60 years of us not knowing each other, and that it was too late to do much. She said she couldn't understand us kids because "she and her brothers and sisters had all been so close."

"Well, you had different parents," I answered.

She pondered how my father had never been a good one -- he had what would now be called low-functioning Asperger's. She didn't mention her own part in the sucky-parent partnership. She told me it was my job to pull everyone back together before it was too late.

"It is too late," I said. "You can't neglect children for 60 years than try to bring them back together. They are just polite strangers."

"Well, that's you're problem. You never wanted to try." I listened, wondering how the break down of the family unity was suddenly my fault. "Aren't you willing to at least try? You're always so negative, never trying to do things."

Actually, I was the only one in the family who ever did try. I simply told her no, I was not going to try again, and if she wanted to try to pull the boys in, then pick up the phone and call them. I knew it wouldn't work. One had his church family and the other his biological family in another state. They didn't need this mother and sister they barely knew.

She was getting very angry with me for not trying to undo the neglect the family had suffered at their hands. I don't know what magic she thought I had, or why she thought it was my place to suddenly become the mother. I finally told her, "Mom, they have a saying about making a bed, then having to lie in it. This bed has been made and we are where we are. Maybe you can put together some kind of relationship with the boys. You have to start where you are now."

Of course, her solution was for me to start. I told her no. I wanted to point out to her that she needed to mend her relationship to me. I don't think she even realizes how damaged it is. I'm here physically, but I'm in a different place emotionally. What a sad situation this is. You can't create a loving family out of a group of strangers.

Margeaux~I am catching up...I was off yesterday and again today. Lower back and leg pain from being on my feet all day at work so I have had to pamper my lower back with stretching and laying on a hard floor plus using thermacare for the lower back. Feeling better today.

My approach is continuing to work and as you know with a personality disorder and Alz nothing is fool proof. My mother is on the rampage with my sister again.She accusing my sister of stealing a file mother had on the kitchen table, then left to run errands and said file was gone when she returned. Yesterday a man called my mother (regarding what we do not know) and mother is accusing my sister of having this man call her, LOL!! She threatened my sister with legal action, LOL!! My naughty side is coming out today, I laugh because it is just too twisted thinking. I teased my sister to quit harassing poor mom!! I am staying out of it. Normally I would call my mother and talk her down, calm her,etc. but I am leaving that up to my sister to deal with because she needs to learn to do it herself. My sister did tease back that she hired a hit man from the mafia to break mother's knees to start with. Our twisted sense of humor is in full form! It's a good coping skill to deal with the situation.

Joan~Getting a diagnosis is easy...getting mother to the dr. to do it is the hard part and getting her take the medicine is a whole other can of beans. I have relaxed and am not going down that road again to try to get her to the dr. I have resigned myself to the fact that in time the Alz will progress and maybe then some medications can be prescribed to ease her anxiety, in the mean time mother is running full steam ahead and will wear herself out emotionally and return to a form of normalcy for a short time before it starts all over again.

My kitty is my garden buddy. He follows me all around the garden while I work. He is a great gofer catcher too. Only draw back is he brings his catches in the house through the doggie door so we have to watch him carefully. When Simon was still living, he was my kitty with a personality disorder. Very neurotic personality a siamese mix who was feisty. He would fight even after being neutered until one time he got hurt badly. After that he became mostly a house cat but would go out in the backyard only to sun himself and follow me around.I don't think anyone else would have put up with Simon's personality. He adopted us by taking up residence in our garage. He had a good life with us and did get calmer after Tiger came into the picture. I think he was threatened by Tiger so he changed his personality and became more loving. Well I gotta go...less than 3 weeks before I go to Idaho to visit my daughter and I have made progress in my art room need to start painting. Hugs to everyone!!!

jessie -ditto to what sharyn said! She has made her bed...

Sharyn what you are saying about the changes on your mother sound right. There is a significant difference there. And it is hard for drs to diagnose in the early stages. I know someone whose wife went to their doc, he went, they went together because they suspected Alz, but it took several years before the doc made a diagnosis. Now he is on meds and feeling and actin so much better. I hoe eventually you can get a diagnosis for your mum and maybe some meds to hlepe.

Hi margeuax - I am a little behind. It has been a tough week, I have had the cat to deal with and painful ovarian cyst. Lifting him back and forth to the vet did not help. You are right there is lots of character defamation, and it is all about who can do what for the narcissistic person. I am glad your cousin is helping and has her eyes open. I hear you about the den of cobwebs. My sis so so nice to people - on a superficial level, that they wonder that I dont spend more time with her. If they get to know her better, they understand.`It is too bad your dad`s first wife painted hm black to their kids. It would make it very hard to have any kind of a relationship with them.Cats are wonderful pets. Sounds like the joint custody of Vabnilla works well. Good idea. 20 years old is an ancient cat! He must be well looked after. They do love being massaged and it is good for theé I think there are lots of cat people around. I am puttng up a pic of Toonie. :) instead of me.
Much love to all -look after you! ♥ Joan

Jessie~There is nothing wrong with setting some boundaries with your mother so you don't have to entertain her. Don't ignore your own life dear friend!! My mother has alienated herself from her family because of unrealistic demands, no logic, and accusations over the years (personality disorder). I keep a firm distance and only help with issues regarding her age related problems. It is not your fault you are not close with her and the things she shares with you are things she probably would not share with someone else because she knows her thinking is wrong. If my mother shared the things she does with me and my sister, no one would talk to her and she knows it. Don't live your mother's life, instead embrace your life. ((((Hugs))))

Jessie -no need to apologize. I am the one who should. you are right on track.I find your analysis of the roles of your sibs interesting. There are only 2 of us My sister is the golden child who can do no wrong and I am a combination of the black sheep and the sacrificial lamb. I guess we have no last hope. From what I read on this site, the golden child rarely if ever is the one who helps. The abused child is the one who the parent turns to for help as they age. I see it as in part what I call the Cinderella Syndrome, where the abused child is expected to be the servant. My mother had holidays with my sister, but expects me to be the one to look after her, and always has. My sister refuses to help -she would visit and sit and watch mother and I do things when mother was moving, and not lift a finger.
littleton - Yes the golden child is always the victim. In our family the oldest -my sister is the golden child. I am the youngest and the servant. We are 14 months apart and people have asked if i am the older as I take responsibility where my sister doesn't. Taking holidays together and having fun times does not look after the essentials. I am glad you are able to get away sometimes. It must be necessary for your health. Fortunately I caregive at a distance and mother is well looked after in an ALF. Even then I have to keep very firm boundaries.

My mother has spent the week moping about the injustices of life since my brother left. I so want to say that it is the bed she made for herself, but there is no point being honest at this stage in her life. I believe that she was under the illusion that the young men in her life would step up when my father died last March. Instead they pulled further away. I don't know what she expected of them. I guess just a lot of attention. I know my brothers and know that the youngest will come when she is in the hospital and the other will come when she dies. I guess she is just starting to understand that.

I do not blame my brothers. My mother has always expected the children to come to her, but never reached back. She is learning that quid pro quo doesn't keep working for most people without the quo. A parent has to pull the family in about them from an early age or they become a group of polite strangers.

My mother is only 85 and could live several more years. She doesn't want to keep living, but she doesn't want to die. I am afraid that I don't have the strength to keep living her life every day. I can care for her, but entertaining her all day would mean ignoring my own life. I do wish she had other people who she could share with, but she has kept everyone too far away. Unfortunately, I don't feel close to her, either, and I feel bad about that.

Emjo,

Wow! You have been through quite an ordeal with Toonie! Well I hope he is on the mend. Cats are such wonderful pets, aren't they?

My husband brought a cat here to our apartment many years ago when it was a baby. He's all white, so his name is Vanilla. This was way before I was in the picture. My husband began to travel for his work, so was sometimes away 3 mos. at a time. So a woman neighbor, who already had another cat, ended up taking over Vanilla. This woman and my husband still maintain a relationship through Vanilla, so I say they have joint custody of the cat. He is now 20 yrs. old.
He comes over at least 4x's a week, and when she is out of town we feed and watch the cats for her. Vanilla is such a lovely cat, I give him kitty massages, and he loves that! So I guess there are lots of cat people on this thread! HAAH!
Much Cat Love! Margeaux

JessieBelle - I've learned so much about myself and my family through this "caregiving" of our Mother. Seems my sibling group just reverted to the roles they had in the family as young children. The oldest being responsible for everyone and everything; the golden child still not responsbile for anything that happens in their life...always the victim; the baby, not really expected to do anything. I thank God everyday I am the oldest because quite frankly I do not believe Mother would be as well cared for by Golden and Baby.

Being all huggy, kissy and tearied eyed with Momma does not get diapers/clothes changed, washed and folded, meals prepared, doctors' appointments kept or all the other day to day needs taken care of for her.

Fortunately, we are able to afford companion services twice a week, so I do get to leave the house and 24/7 nursing when we need to run away for a few days. Golden and Baby live less than 30 minutes away but taking care of Mother in such a personal way is not anything they want to do.

Take care of yourself. Good luck!

This is an abrupt change in the flow of the conversation. I apologize. I thought people in this thread might be interested in some of the things going on in our family.

My parents were not so good. Neither of them really wanted kids and didn't know much about raising them. They had four children. The oldest was a son who took on the role of black sheep. He was always in trouble. The second son took on the role of Golden Child. He was very popular and sure to succeed. He also had the ability to pull himself out of the family and the troubling situation. I was the third child and, being a girl, took on the role of sacrificial lamb. My oldest black sheep brother terrorized me throughout childhood, and no one helped. My mother later admitted that she let it happen because she didn't want to make the older son angry. (Thus the sacrificial lamb.) The youngest was a son, who took on the role as the last hope.

The black sheep became an alcoholic and drank himself into an early grave at 57. He caused misery everywhere he went.

The golden child is successful and very self confident. He also pays no attention to his mother. He came to visit last week and must have spent 4-5 hours with us the entire week. Since then, my mother has not had good things to say about him. She is so disappointed. How could he treat her so bad? I so want to say that he is the son she raised, then neglected for 30 years. Never calling, never visiting. What does she expect from him? She apparently expects more than she ever gave, but she is not going to get it from a golden child.

Her youngest son, the last hope, is a very religious person who lives a Puritan-like existence, withdrawing from the world. His conscience weighs on him heavily, but he does not have time to talk and visit a lot. My mother gets upset, but she rarely calls and never visits him, so what else could she expect?

When my mother was talking about how bad my brothers were the other day, I just said that they were the same people they had always been. Then I couldn't resist being petty and saying, "Isn't it strange that the child you put the least into is the only one with you now?" I guess it is all part of being the sacrificial lamb of the family. It is interesting when you see the roles and how they play out in the end.

forgot to mention that the drain and associated stitches came out yesterday with little trouble, and no more cost, so no more visits to the vet for a while I hope!

I will get back to other posts. I am amazed how much this little creature has occupied me this past week. My recreation has been making chutneys and canning them. I haven't canned in years. I will make some jams too, once I find some small canning jars, and use them for gifts. There is something satisfying about lining the shiny jars full of goodies up on your kitchen counter. They smell heavenly when they are cooking - apples, cinnamon, cloves ...

Hi sharyn -Toonie is neutered, and he still is very territorial. I mentioned it to the vet and she was surprised how much he was. I have read that even neutered cats can be territorial. He actually is not complaining a lot about not going out, so I may be able to convert him into a stay at home cat. The average life time of a cat that goes out is 8 years. I have lost a few outdoor cats -not sure what took them but one day they didn't come home. Toonie has been strong and tough, but he is gettng older. I am not aware that he has tangled with anything wild, but it is possible. He does go across the street to the woods, and I know there are people who have lost small dogs, they think to coyotes. I need geriatric cat management, I guess, and there have to be changes for his own good. The only down side for me is that the litter box will need more attention. He did get out a couple of days ago, but allowed me to catch him and bring him back in. You have kept your cats to a good old age. They do get "under your skin" I still miss my old springer Matt, who was put down 3 years ago aged 16. My orange long haired male lived to 16. I think likely Toonie will last longer as an inside cat. We will see how he adjusts. If he is determined to get out, I suspect he will. Having a dog along on a photography session would be great - they can also be a subject, and certainly add to your security! ((((((hugs)))))) Joan

Joan~ I know there is lots of info out there about having a cat spayed/neutered but is your cat "Fixed?" I only ask because male cats will fight no matter what if they are not neutered. I know you live in an area with wildlife is more abundant that may make a difference. I love my kitty Tiger, he is the only cat I currently have and I hope...not to adopted anymore because it is too heartbreaking to deal with having to put them down. I have put two cats down with kidney failure. One in 2004 and another in June of 2011. My Max was my favorite because he loved everyone and my children grew up with him. Max was 18 yrs. Simon was 16. I could have kept Simon going for another year or more but he was already on a special diet for UTI. Kidney failure would have put him on another special diet and I chose not to do it. Yes it is expensive for their care and I find it hard to consider not having a pet. Since I enjoy the outdoors so much, I am considering a dog to provide some security when I go out photographing nature. I hope your kitty recovers quickly and is back to normal soon...♥ Sharyn!!

Joan: I always think about you and Toonie. He is your sweet boy and a joy to your life and I so understand that. Love you, cat.

Oh I will and do, cat. He is my special cat. The drain and stitches were removed easily today, so we are almost life as normal, escept for getting his meds into him twice a day I am relieved. .Of course, he is spoiled rotten now as I have been feeding him his fave canned food. He has not objected much to staying in - just sits by the side light by the door and looks out.. Normally I wouold let him out when he does that, but won't even in the daytime yet until the drain opening is healed over, and he is a little stronger. Interesting about White Kitty. Toonie chose us too. One day this 4 month old kitten appoear on the front deck. We already had a dog, and two cats, and I said "No way!" But he wouldn't go away, slept under the deck at night, and the kids got after me, so I let him in and that was it. I am so glad I did as he has turned out to be a wonderful pet, and may be the last one I have. All the other ones are gone now. I think he will be safe enough outside in the daytime. I think cats normally fight at night. He is terribly territorial He is also -or was anyway -an excellent hunter so maybe it is the predator instincts in him which are strong. . A sweet grey tabby from next door came to visit a few times, and Toonie made a terrible growling noise looking at her through the glass. She meant no harm at all, but obviously there is one out there who does. He used to go out even in the coldest weather, but stays on more now as he has gotten older. I am much relieved that he is oin the mend. Thanks and ((((((((hugs)))))))) Joan

Joan: Keep Toonie safe. He may not like it now, but he is getting older and hopefully he will adjust. Makes me think of White Kitty. He roamed our street for many years. He was known as Casper, Sugar, and many other names. When he grew old he decided that he didn't want to be on the street anymore in the winter. To our amazement, he chose us to move in with. He came in and settled down by the fire and spent every night with us. Come Spring he left. Not so much as a look back. Just a basic, FU, I'm out of here. He was back in the Fall and we were so happy to welcome him back. He lived a good life.

Toonie needs you to keep him safe. Not saving that will be easy or he won't be driving you nuts with cries and demands to go out. Maybe by winter he will settle down.

Sending you and Tonnie love., Cat.

Hi all - I will be back. Still "nursing" the cat who is recovering from hiis surgery quite well. Today we go in to get his drain removed, and in a few more days his stitches I am getting relatively adept at getting the antiobiotics down his throat - it was a struggle for a while. In the meanwhile I have a sore side which has not been helped by carting him back and forth to the vet ( he is a big cat) and also by handling him re meds etc. Thankfully it will alll be over in a few days. From now on he will not go out at night if I can help it - he is too territorial and there is a younger stronger cat out there beating him up. It was going to happen as he aged, (13 now)but I cannot afford ( in more ways than one) to have this happen again. Gary had a mare slashed badly by a cougar or a bear, so the vet bills are high. Oh well such is life. Glad it is not me needing surgery! Love and hugs to all Joan