The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well,
Happy Monday to all of you!
This weekend I attended a funeral for my sister's boyfriends mom-deceased.
It was blazing hot where we live and the burial was held midday.
So after the service which was held in a chapel all attendees drove to the burial site. I rode down to the burial site w/my sister, mom and the caregiver.
Now I have mentioned how mom has a difficult time walking, has pain in her lower back from previous falls. We arrive at the burial site. The cemetery is primarily situated on slopes, so one has to walk uphill. We got out of the car, and the caregiver and me started to assist mom for a walk on the street, then up the grass.
Mom is 91, and walks very slowly. By the time we were now walking in the grassy area, I could tell mom was having a hard time. No where in the picture did I see anyone having taken a bottle of water. I turned to my sister and told her, something like whether it was necessary for mom to walk more all the way to the burial site, as that was still some more distance. My sister then says something like, "Maybe I should go get the wheel chair." She had a portable wheelchair in the trunk of the car. I thought, GEE, interesting how mom already had walked more than half the distance in this heat, and if I don't say something, my sister then even has to ask me whether she should do this! Honestly, where does some kind of ***m common sense kick in? I was so annoyed! There was a bench, a distance away from where the deceased's family was gathered, so told the caregiver, I thought it best mom just go sit there, besides it was by a wall providing some shade. We sat mom there, and she was fine. But when we sat her down, mom admitted to me that she was glad there was that bench, because the walk had tired her out!

These are the kinds of scenarios that I have w/my sister. Mom's fragility really increased in the last two years, especially last year. Her sister who was living there w/her, was home bound. This meant that mom didn't want to leave the house much either and on account of this, it really has worked against mom's mobility!
But my aunt died in Jan., of this yr. After that my sister started to tell me how she was taking mom here and there, of course all of this had to do w/probably more walking than mom had been doing the last few years. Another factor in all of this is the fact that mom has been stubborn about using her walker! Again here I feel that if she'd use it all the time, she'd at least have it to lean her body weight against, possibly even in her weakened condition provide a bit of the resistance from a physical work out level. But no! My sister doesn't seem to think about that! Anyway, it wasn't a good experience to say the least on this level. Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Good for you that you're taking this approach w/your mom. This is the emotional detachment! Isn't this strange thinking by parents that you'd be considered the irresponsible one???? But no matter what, I know you've mentioned your mom having the personality disorder, I still however think that from what I've read about narcissism it sounds as if your sister feeds that supply they talk about. Your sister for whatever reason, is that person in your family for your mother. Your sister is the victim, your mom feels sorry, and I guess needed etc.

On trying to protect anyone, e.g. your sister from your mom, well it's noble of you on the one hand to think this, but that is for your sister to decide. I too last year when I had daily calls from my sister about our narcissistic aunt. But, I too once lived there and had been at the other end of my aunt's abuse, while our mother
who was her sister's enabler, never stood up to the sister to let her know she had crossed some big boundaries. I had to separate out at some point that my sister for whatever reason it was couldn't realize that my aunt was one crazy, abusive individual. My suggestions to my sister that she try not to internalize, take things personally, etc., fell on deaf ears. I previously wrote about how I'd suggested to see whether my aunt could be diagnosed mentally. Somehow I thought if this would occur, my sister might change her attitude as to how she dealt w/my aunt. At this point, I decided well truth be told, then I know my sister is feeding her need also to be the controller. I wasn't going to participate in any of that! This is when I decided to take some of my sister's phone calls, but not so much as to preoccupy my time and energy. People like these have their own lessons to learn, and we can't become some kind of monitors of their attitudes.

I do remember that story about the toilet cover. Now that really is bizarre thinking.
My sister too would tell me countless stories of how my aunt was going to report the caregivers, her, change the POA. But after awhile when one adds up these kinds of stories initiated by the same person, well what conclusion can be made?

Anyway, congratulations that you've made the necessary adjustment with regards to the new attitude! If we are to grow, these are the steps we could take.
You're in my thoughts! Plenty of Love & LIght to You! Margeaux

Hi Emjo,

Yes my sister is behaving narcissistically.
Remember I had written a post about the fact that I've noticed in the behavior by her also, is the fact that if my sister feels that you can be of some kind of service to her, say like my cousin or myself, this is usually when her venom starts coming out. In the moment that my cousin couldn't come and relieve her, to watch mom recently, then she tried implying to me that my cousin wasn't willing to do this for free. It's always about defamation of character too!
Yes, my cousin is going to help out when needed, and my sister is going to pay her. This is only going to be every now and then when needed on weekends.
I know my cousin is only doing this, this way because she needs the money.
My cousin also lives a drive from mom's house, so the least that it could help out is for gas. My cousin admitted to me, that she doesn't like being in that position w/my sister either, so she knows what's happening.

This is one of the reasons that I don't go there more often also to relieve.
I feel that not only do I end up going over there and give of my energy, but then when I do I step into the den of cobwebs. This is where I really have to be on my guard w/my sister w/her need to control.

Oh, my dad's story! Yes, it was always confusing to me. My dad tried his best when he revealed this to us to encourage us to like the first family. I felt jealous at first, I remember, but tried to get over it. But then because of the lack of a real relationship between the first children and dad, when we did see them I really felt the resentment from several of them. So there were too many mixed messages going on here. This family also had such a narcissist for a mother! She really poisoned all of those kids into thinking my dad was terrible. She even made them think my dad was a womanizer. That's the last thing my dad was!!

How are you doing Emjo? How is your mother these days?
I hope things are calm for you. Much Love, Margeaux
So how are you doing, Emjo, how is your mom?
I hope all is well! Much Love, Margeaux

Sharynmarie, I am going to try to remember to keep up with your posts on the ignoring of behavior. I have been so busy getting my kids back on their feet with school and their activities, that having patience for weird behavior is challenging. I need alone time with all the people who have abrasive communication skills and in my desperation to be alone, I can lose my patience pretty fast. This is a great site. Thanks for continuing to share.

Austin~That is a good idea to ask her the question back. I will try that with her and see if it helps her to connect. Thank you!!!

Shary I think you plan is a good one -it probably is the ALZ talking -they get so confused I had a bad reaction to medication I was taking -the doc increased the amount even though I told him one pill made me whoozy and twice I got lost comming home from church once at night and once during the day I finally found my way home but it really scared me and that is a sign of early ALZ or dementia mine was from meds but acted the same. When I was working pt's with dementia would of course ask the same question over and over and over and sometimes if I asked them the question they were asking me they could give me the answer also time does not mean anything to them 5 mins away from them and they thought it was hrs. instead of min. Good luck to you-let us know how that works out for you-we all teach each other here on this form.

I talked with my sister via email about my approach to our mother...treating everything as though it is Alz related. It has only been a week of me doing this but it is keeping things much more calm between us. My sister agreed she would also do it since our anger regarding our childhood gets in the way when she accuses us. I have come to realize that the Alzheimer's is probably behind these accusations especially the plot to have her murdered. I do remember a situation that happened about 6 years ago when my mother was having problem with her toilet. She bought a new float and installed it but she didn't reconnect a tube in the corner of the tank. When you flushed, the toilet gushed like Old Faithful. I looked at it, removing the tank lid and placing it on the stool while I connected the tube. In the process I knocked the lid off the stool and it broke. I took mother to the hardware store with the numbers off the tank so we could order a new lid. Turned out they didn't make that size anymore. My mother told my sister I did it on purpose. She said I was swinging the lid over my head and threw it. Keep in mind...I am picturing me dressed like Annie Oakely swinging a lasso, LOL!! I laughed when my sister told me, but I did confront my mother about it. She told me she was just angry over the situation (admitting she lied). She did however, maintain her story with my sister. This is why I think Alz is the problem because I could get her in the past to admit her emotions ran extreme, where now she just out right will not admit it because she forgets she said it. Just like she was upset she didn't know where the office of her gyno is located. A week later she does not remember not knowing and has clear knowledge of where it is. Time will tell if this works the next time she accuses us of something.I will try redirecting her thoughts to something else.

This is a tricky subject. We live a similar life but fortunately I have drilled what it means to be separate family entity while the in-laws live in. Alcoholism is the epitome of co-dependence and if your spouse grew up jumping through hoops to keep everyone happy, YOU are the nice person who sees how other people matter too and you are not jumping through the hoops. I am sure your spouses family has heard of Alanon. I think I have that name right.....I was given the suggestion to go to their meetings to deal with manipulative, verbal abusive behavior of husband and his family and my parents. Ugh. How not to jump to keep them happy and not in my face for desiring autonomy. Your situation sounds like this to me. They ARE alcoholic and they DO jump to keep everyone satisfied but YOU are not the one they need to keep happy. Would your spouse be willing to go to some meetings with you? Wanting a 'happy' home means that spouse sees you are not willing to jump to keep his family happy. We shouldn't need to jump to keep people happy. I'm giving myself a panic attack just writing this as it is SOOOO frustrating to live with. Sad. Yes. I am sad a lot. My friends are my family. My family makes me nuts and depressed. My kids, I am doing my best to teach them how NOT to jump to keep everyone happy and not angry and manipulative. The balance is certainly an exercise in love and forgiveness. And.....boundaries. Hugs Sigh.

I am practicing detaching from my mother and my sister. What I am doing with my mother involves a change in attitude toward her in regards to her accusations toward us. I know that part of it is her personality disorder and I also know that part of it is Alzheimer's. So I have decided to treat it as though it is Alzheimer's not taking it personally and keeping communication open with her. Sometimes she calls me 4-5 times a day. She asks the same questions over and over (Alzheimer's). I talk her through it but if it is getting to me I won't answer the phone. I will call her later 2-3 hours later and I find the urgency has past. With my sister, I have discovered that I tend to jump in to protect her against my mother which fuels my emotions. I am no longer going to do this. I don't call my sis as often and when she gets where she wants to jump in and take control of everything, I will present to my sister what I see and then back away. As far as my mother's dr. is concerned, I am not going to discuss my mother with him when I visit him regarding myself. I will not make appts. with him to discuss my mother. I am not blaming my sister for all this because I have easily fallen into it because of the training I had from my childhood and after, whenever I would need support from my parents, I was always told "If you think you have it bad, look at your sister." My sister made bad decisions about her life. I didn't. She married men who abused her physically, emotionally, and verbally. I didn't. My mother has always seen me as irresponsible and my sister responsible. The reason why is because my sister has always been needy which made my mother "feel good," to help her out. Ladee had written a post about the feelings of being a scapegoat and for my parents, that was me. I do not believe my sister has a personality disorder because she is very loving. She does have very black and white thinking with no grey areas. She may have a mild form of a personality disorder but I'm not sure. She tends to blame herself for everything including her failed marriages. She does have grandiose ideas about herself but has gotten better since she became sober. I may go in for some counselling to get a better handle on my relationship with my sister. I do feel I have a good handle on my relationship with my mother and as long as my sister doesn't get too gung ho to rush in and fix everything, things should be ok. That is what sis's biggest problem is...wanting to fix everything. I may bring this up with her because she can get counseling with Kaiser (She has met her deductible for the year) and not have to pay for it.

Burned, just saw your post . stay strong, we r all sending u positive vibes and u r in our prayers . everything works out for the best . many hugs .

wow ! great responses . i started taking care of my parents and my younger sister and new born brother when i was 6yrs old . in India .didnt know it at the time but quite a few of of the kids i grew up with, esp the girls, took on the caregiver roles to protect their siblings around the same time . we were dealing with a generation of people who had broken away from the joint family system to a single family of their own . this sudden freedom at the age of 20 plus turned them crazy since they didnt know how to deal with it . they were partying every nite, kids raised by nannies, and homes run by a housekeeper, cook, driver etc . when they couldnt deal with the kids we would get beaten with hangers, belts, locked up in the storeroom, stuff like that . somehow the responsible, oldest kid would get the brunt of it . and we grew up with our own demons . i was seeing a psychiatrist when i was 13 . doing drugs when i was 16, anything to cope . well, i got lucky with one of my psychiatrists .he saw thru the crap and finally was headed to another city to go to college . the guilt i went thru at that time sometimes haunts me till today . but it has to be a real emotional day for that to happen .i know till today somewhere deep down my brother feels i abandoned him at age 14 when i went to college . my mother is extremely manipulative and my father a macho fool . and i love them dearly, they r my parents . and im not their favorite child but they r stuck with me cos im the only one who stepped up when they fell ill .my sister lives in India and my brother 30mins away but his wife wont deal with anyone but herself, if that, but thats her business .so, here i am taking care of both of them . my son lives here too . i keep him out of their business pretty much, besides he has college, work and a thriving social life ( he lost his father when he was 9 ) . my bottom line is that yes, we r dysfunctional as hell but i'd rather take care of them instead of a stranger .on the other hand i do not want or expect my son to take care of me ( still trying to be the responsible person ), i'd rather live in an assisted living facility . so u can all see how far being dysfunctional can take us ?

Burned~You are in my thoughts and I hope that whatever it is that is going on will pass. You may feel you are alone but you have support here. Cyber HUGS to you and your family!!!

Burned of course we are here for you and God hears our prayers even when we do not know the details-he does and I pray he gives you extra strength and wisdom to handle whatever happens I know your hubby can not be much comfort to you I hope there is someone available -a girlfriend or family member to help hold you up at this time-I am so sorry for all the hardship you have to face and keep us posted as you are able.

I need prayers and support something major is gonna happen tuesday and i am not sure what but right now do not want open the details because its one thing or another adding up....ever since I moved to Ajo I have had a major target sign on my back....i feel like i am dying...i feel like i am losing my family n all I need is this ...so am I left with nothing and having nothing.....omg you just do not know how bad this immediate situation is and what i have to do ....so long n lost...i am stranded in the dark and I am asking for god's help but yet i am being treated like a criminal or worse....until I have more info to share all I am asking for is prayers n support whatever happens affects my whole family...ty all.

Thanks austin - back at ya - I don't know how I got here either, buit it has done me a world og good (((((hugs))))))

Emjo you are such a blessing to all of us here -I am so glad that God in his wisdom gave me such a great group ogf people to relate-I still do not know how AC popped up on my computer that day so long ago -it is a mystery for sure and I am so glad I looked into it at the time-it has been a lifesaver for me.

Jstmealone (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) holidays are hard times for many. You probably have hurts from many years back. If your brother has only 11 days sober I think you cannot count on him very much. I do hope he will be successful in his sobriety. I see from your page you have a "history" with him. Have you considered counselling for yourself? I come from a very dysfunctional family -alcoholic dad, narcissistic mum and sis, and have had a lot of hurts to deal with. My last session with a counsellor over my mother was just a year ago and I am 75. I have gone when I need it, Emotional detachment from dysfunctional family members helps. Also helpful is building friendships for support when your family is not supportive, rather than being hurt when they continue to behave as they have been doing. It is not easy but can be done. Coming here and venting helps too. (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))). Let us now how you are doing. Joan

Today is Labor Day. Mom is in a nursing home now but it doesn't stop there. How do I have a brother - that's all who hasn't seen Mom since mother's day? he's an alcoholic who has 11 days sober today. The hurt of him not seeing my mom - devastating to me. Why?

Catching up here
sharyn – how is the detaching going? – love the sunshiny day song. I can see that you don’t want to contact APS unless absolutely necessary. Hope you are working thing out with your sis – not always easy I know. When is your mum taking the test?
margeaux – you had quite an adventure and a good meetings with your cousins. I know a couple of people who have used the free trial with ancestry.com and they got a lot out of it. I see your sis continues in her narcissistic ways. Did your cousin decide to do some caregiving for your mum? That’s quite a story about your dad and his first marriage.
cmag – good to see you here again – glad you have the tax business out of the way
u565425 – I can see why you are upset seeing your dad like that. I am not aware of any way you can get permission to get info about him and his treatment
mom29 – the games these people play! – lose-lose – How frustrating! Yes deep breath and keep laughing is good, as is stepping back. She sounds narcissistic – everyone else’s fault! Glad you are standing your ground. I know about wanting support and not getting it though being expected to give it unconditionally – doesn’t feel good. Yes, it is hard for you too. Vent away!
needanswers – how did you dad do with the driving test? Sounds like he shouldn’t be driving, I know it is hard for some to give it up.
JLR – sibling problems are painful – you need some support from them . I am sorry that your friends have bailed out too.- Glad you mum appreciates what you are doing for her.
Ladee – the only thing that came to me was “sisters”
QuechuaCare67 – there are a few threads about narcissistic parents -seems like quite a few of us have them – and narcissistic sibs too. It is very frustrating.
MIssSassy – how are things going – I think I read that you were trying to get your kid’s father placed. Hope some changes happen soon, so your life is improved.
CG1963 – hi again – sorry you were feeling kicked in the stomach. You certainly are doing what is needed – at least - but I know a narcissist will want you to give up every moment of your life. Glad you are maintaining your boundaries and keeping some time for yourself – it is necessary. Families do get burnt out caring for their seniors. I have felt devalued and underappreciated for years, - by my mum – for years –probably all my life. But I have learned to parent myself and value and appreciate myself. I know I will never get it from her – she is not capable of that. If you could detach more it would help you. ((((((hugs))))))
Sadinthepacific – I hear you how your immediate family suffers from the demands on your husband – hopefully it will improve once they pass –cold comfort, I know. Did you feel taken for granted before the caregiving started, or is this new? Would counselling help? Couple counselling would be ideal, but even to go yourself would help. I hate feeling taken for granted and tend to give some heavy –even loud - feedback when that happens. My sig other tends to want a happy home to come home too as well, but without putting that much into it, until I really point out what I am needing, in very definite terms. It can be hard work, but worth it. You are not his servant, you are his helpmate, and a person with feelings and needs too. Being that he is so occupied with his parents, and sister, which as we know is a hard job, is there any way you can get some of those needs met another way. However, I know that nothing can replace the feelings of closeness that you two should be having as husband and wife. There is a good Christian book called “Love Busters” – things that negatively affect marriages and there is a workbook to use with it. Another book is called “Hold me Tight”. I think you would recognise yourself in them.

Austin- you might be interested in these books too. I wish I had seen them at the beginning of our relationship. We are loking at them now, but some bad habits have crept in. I tend to not speak up about my needs until I have built up anger - he tends to be too independent. We all have areas we need to work on. When people have been hurt, they do guard their hearts. I agree that actions speak louder than words. Glad you got over a bump last week. You are a cookie monster are you? lol rain here which is welcome, but the cooler weather isn't. Winter is too long in this part of the world.
Love (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and prayers for all.
Joan

Thank you Eemjo My girlfriend from across the street is comming -at least being on a diet I had cookies in the freezer - I was keep frozen ones in the freezer but I would bake them and eat them all when alone-nurses learn to live on cookies which was our lunches most times while working cookies still are not long for this world when I am around. You are right I need to establish some wants of mine when we get together again-we talk better in person-we got over a big bump in the road a week ago when we had lunch-I think he is guarding his heart a little too much his actions speak a lot for how he feels. We are finally getting cool weather actually a little too cool-we are getting the end of the hurricane the next two days.

(((((((austin)))))) I am alone on holidays too - have been for years. I do have Gary but he goes away most weekends to look after the horses.I am told it will not always be like this, as when we move south the horses will be closer. I am not holding my breath. To him a holiday means one more day to get work done, and I am lucky if I hear from him, though we are working on that and it is improving. You can get the boy out of the farm but you can't get the farm out of the boy, and farm boys know work, work and more work. However, other than wanting him to make more contact when he is away, it does't bother me being alone on holidays. Like bookworm, I gave them up years ago. I do agree that you need to be able to make phone calls too - only him it is too controlling, Ah, Proverbs 31 - don't get depressed, It doesn't mention friends does it? You should be pleased you have lost 20 lbs. That is no small feat! Hope you find just the right new dress for the wedding. It should be fun.
Life is full of compromises - and decisions. Just listening to a lady preacher who says decide when you get up to be happy today.There is something in that.
Hope you have a good one. Coffee with a girlfriend sounds good, and stick up for yourself with that guy - don't let the bad habits creep in.:)
((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Book thank you for your kind words. I emailed my neighbor and invited her to go for a walk with me but she suggested comming over for coffee -so I stoped the housework and got some goodies out of the freezer and will work on my lesson for Bible study of our church womens group we are studing P roverbs 31-if nothing will cause depression in us women reading Proverbs 31 will really get to you-when we read it is our group a while ago -I said I wonder how many friends she has? I will be better tomarrow because I have to get a new dress for a wedding I am going to and time is going fast-I did lose 20 lbs. but hate clothes shopping but did force myself to go into Goodwill and try on some dresses and yeasterday stopped into another store and tomarrow will go to a mall to see what I can find then the rest of the week I have activities so I should be alright and if my friend does not call by SAT evening I will call him-another thing to get worked out between us if we are going to continue to be good friends and maybe more.

Bookworm~What a stressful day for you!!! I am glad you stuck up for yourself with your dad. You do need to get help and I am glad your sister is pitching in for a caregiver on Sundays. Your brother and SIL should pay for one on Saturdays as well. If you have to leave for a couple hours on the weekends do it. When your SIL gets tired of having to parent sit, then maybe she will put pressure on your brother to pay for a caregiver to help on Saturday. Hugs to you!!!

Bookworm...thanks for your words. I do realize time is far and few between more so nowadays. I have felt greatful for years....yes, years. I've suggested helpful things to spouse - counselor, priest...answer is always "we'll see". I am busying myself with son's school so I have positive things to do. Thanks.

Oh, Austin...I'm a loner. Since I was in my early 20's I have stopped celebrating holidays. But, just because I don't celebrate it doesn't mean I would not miss it. Holidays means for me: FOOD. But lately, my fam don't do it anymore. They now do their own thing - no longer including extended family. It may not be the same situation as you, but...it does get a bit depressing knowing that others are celebrating while you're stuck at home.

I wish I was into those internet games. Then, I'd hook up with you and we can play against each other. But, I'm not into games - whether it's chess, checkers, etc...Although I do love to play SORRY! with the kids.

I wish I'm into instant messaging and we can "chat" that way but...I've tried that. I'm so uncomfortable talking to people on the phone (even with sis). I feel the same way with "chatting online." I prefer to talk to people by email, this site or in person.

Although I hate crying, why don't you first cry yourself out. Other than waiting for your friend to call, what do you love to do? Any hobby? Any "wish list" that you've always wanted to do but never did?

Before I became a caregiver for mom, as a teen, I've always wanted to volunteer for the hospital. Needless to say, I have absolutely No Desire to do that! But I still love reading. Anything you can think of?

I don't think doing yard work and house work on a holiday is productive for you. If I remember, tomorrow, I can Google for ideas. I just love surfing the web....I say tomorrow because it's about 11:15pm here. If you're having a bad time with this holiday, how will you be in Thanksgiving and Xmas!!! Maybe someone on this site who does celebrate holidays and have experiences can give you some tips.

Sometimes, I wish I live in the states. Then, I can just hop on a plane and meet with those who just needs some quality time with friends. Not family but friends. Wouldn't it be nice?

I wish I can brainstorm or tell you a funny story to cheer you up but I think my brain is getting foggy. I had an exhausting day and I still need to clean mom's trache. Would you like for me to tell you a true "scary" story? Oh, maybe not. I don't know if that's good since you live alone. I have LOTS of true "scary" stories. Forget that....I'm sorry Austin. The computer is now wobbling. I'd better quickly stop and clean mom's trache. My body is shutting down whether I want to stay awake or not...

You take care, okay. We do care for you a lot Austin. You have given us a lot of very helpful advice. I scrolled thru my AC Words of Empowerment file and I see your name on it. You hang in there. Maybe also post on How are YOU thread too? Have to go....HUGS!!!!

How about right now you take say 24 hrs away and stay with your good sister and do not go back for the duration of the 24 hrs if there is an emergency anybody can 911-Dec is too long to wait for help. Guys I am in the black hole-holidays are so hard and my friend wants to be the one to call me so I can not really call him -I am trying to do yard work and house work but all I want to do is cry holidays are very hard for me being alone.

Beating yourself up is called guilt, bw.I think you have evry little to feel guilty about, even if you take a break. Having a caregiver paid by your sis for Sundays should help.
Having sis move in in December should help too. Wlll the paid caregiver come soon? I hope so. Looks like there is a little light on the horizon, or in the tunnel. ((((hugs))))

Joan, the family drama unfolded under the Caregiver How are YOU thread. It seems everyone agreed that I shouldn't be a fried bookworm. A wet or soggy bookworm is better than a fried one - I totally agree. This is what I have concluded on that thread which I did not include here....but just because I decided below doesn't mean I will not think of yours and Cat's and others. I have not yet reached the end of my rope where I can walk away from parents without my conscience beating me up.

Decision: Oldest sis is moving in in December. If I can just last long enough for her to move in. Next argument in December, I can pack up for the weekend and spend it with sis or at a hotel using local rates. I won't worry about finding someone to cover since Oldest sis will be here.

I will also take my sis' offer to pay for a caregiver for Sundays.
I can't believe I was actually looking forward to caregiving parents after a hectic week at work!!!! Be careful what you wish for....

(((((((((bookworm))))))))
I seriously think you need a break. What would happen if you just walked away and stayed away for a while? Let your family know that you cannot do this alone anymore, and that you are going away for e.g two weeks. and you expect them to take responsibility for your parents while you are gone, and if they are not looked after, it will be their doing, not yours., So far they hardly help at all. The electrical problem should be fixed by your brother, and quickly. I have found for people who do not listen, or seem to care, that at times I have to create a crisis to make an impression on them, because all the reasonable asking and explaining hasn't worked. I don't mean you have to "throw a scene" though if that works for you fine, but simply tell them that you are going away for a while and it is up to them to take over from you. They can figure out among themselves who will do it. There certainly are enough of them, and they are taking advantage of you, and that should stop. Maybe this makes no sense to you and that is OK. I am concerned about you, and hate to see you get to this point. I am so thankful that you are not suicidal any more. You said that your thinking used to be that killing yourself was the only way to get away. It isn't the only way. You can walk away. The result to your parent's care is the same. Someone else has to do it. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, someone else would have to care for your parents,

What I see from what you wrote is that your sil and sis are concerned for you - so that you will go back and keep doing the caregiving - not that they are concerned for your parents, or someone would have changed diapers. That is appalling to me and the biggest kind of "using". Is there no social services where you are? I think you have answered that before, Would the church help? Anyway, bw, you need to help yourself as this is too much for anyone to bear alone, (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) and prayers - Joan

CG, I feel Devalued and Unappreciated. Just today, at 6:15am, I got up to do daughterly duties. Father decided to lecture me that I MUST sleep early so that I can take care of them better. He went on to say that I was a BAD DAUGHTER and that I HAVE to take care of them. I have since age 23 volunteered to help dad care for Alz mom. Last year, he had a stroke and is bedridden. I have 7 siblings. Only 1 is here helping Mon-Fri while I work. I had a very stressful weekend cuz sis left Friday and did NOT tell me that there's something wrong with the power outlet. I investigate why it's not working. Seems the wall power surge protector and the cord attached had burned. It was black and melted plastic. I informed brother (electrician) about problem. On Saturday, after work (got off at 2pm) I went to Home Depot and bought a replacement wall protector and extension cord. Bro did not fix it. So on Sunday we had tuna sandwich for lunch and dinner. I can't drive to get food cuz I care for 2 bedridden parents. I knew bro will not fix the outlet on Sunday cuz him and whole family will be enjoying the Labor Day picnic parties at the beach. Monday, today, father decides to say viciously that I'm a BAD DAUGHTER. I reacted badly. I was seriously suicidal in June and this site has helped me A LOT. I refuse to go down that deep dark tunnel ever again. So, I told him that I am NOT a Bad Daughter, he has 8 children and only me is here with them. Does he think anyone can do a better job of caring for them than me? He said yes. He will use his money to hire. I said fine. You go find someone, and I will pack up and leave. It just got vicious, I started crying (rarely do-sign of weakness.) I called sil of next door that I'm dressed up and walking out. Send someone NOW to care for them cuz I can no longer handle this and if I don't get help, I will kill myself. If that's the only way I can get away from them, then I will. I was just crying on the phone, all the way to the car, and driving to sis' house.

I'm home now. I came back at 3pm and SIL and daughter did not change father's pampers since lastnight. I walked in and the livingroom was stinking of his overnight urine smell. I didn't care. I sat down while sis came too for support. I finally changed them at 5pm. He was really soaking wet. And I had no feelings at all for him. He tried to talk nicely to me. But, his words this morning was so vicious that at the moment, I'm still numb. I'm really really sad right now. I think it's the depression trying to pull me back down that tunnel. I AM NOT SUICIDAL! I just feel so, so, sad.

Sis felt so bad. She tried all day to cheer me up. Went shopping but I was so quiet. Tried to get me to eat lunch but I just wasn't hungry. Still not hungry. He keeps trying to talk to me, I just can't talk to him. I just make the TV louder to drown him out.

Just venting. Actually, I wasn't go to comment until I read your post CG.

Sadinthepacific, I hate to say this to you while you're feeling at a loss on where you fit in the scheme with the inlaws. But, Please Just be Grateful that your husband has not invited them to live with you! Or even worse, to decide that you all move in with his parents! Count your blessings. Trust me, I've read enough on this site about those situations..... I believe that by the time your husband comes home, he's too tired to spend time with you and your son? I'm not a parent and it's kind of difficult for me to give you advice. But the only thing that keeps popping into my head is: can you and him put aside - even if it's once a week - time just for you and your son? May it be eating out - like MacD or Dennys, etc...? Or go to a movie? Or rent out a video that you all can enjoy (or pretend to enjoy since most males like violent shooting movies.) Maybe find a 30min TV show that the whole family can watch,laugh, etc??