The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Jo.. You are right in every single word.. The problem w/my mom is she gets my attention through her health issues.. and I often feel as though it is like the story of the boy who cried wolf.. One day it is goin to be something so serious and I wont take it serious.. She does have at least five seperate issues going on that can be serious if not paid attention to and cared for.. But I also know often she exaggerates her health issues.. so If I dont react to her every ache and pain I may miss something and it will be my fault if something were to happen.. I have stopped catering to her every desire that doesnt include her health.. but now as Im sure is expected of someone like my mom her health issues have become non-stop.. We have at least four Dr. appts lined up one tomorrow and three next week.. and I know as Dr.'s do they will set up a series of tests that will draw me to have to do even more.. Its a tough spot for me.. because I live with the what if.. what if it is something serious and I dont address it.. I even thought of asking the Dr. to admit my mom into the Hospital.. run all the tests as an inpatient and then I dont have to run back and forth and fight with her to take medicine that he will prescribe that she will refuse to take.... At first I will admit I felt very guilty having this idea.. but now.. I do not.. I only hope the Dr. will agree to it.. So Jo.. say a prayer that the Dr. works with me on this.. And Jo.. thank you.. you are a very wise,compassionate lady.. and I know you have been where I am..so I take all your advice very serious.. and I am going to google the daughters of narcissistic mothers... this is very new to me.. but it sure is right on target.. and it kills me to say that..truly it does.. I always made excuses for how my mom is w/me.. and I have used every excuse to validate her actions.. I see that now.. I never even knew there was such a thing as a mother being narcissistic towards her daughter.. but it really is and has been my entire life w/my mom.. It all makes sense now.. sad to say.. but it does..

Thank you, JessieBelle! It is some better now...after lots of meds.! :-)

Sending healing vibes your way, ucant, to try to ease the pain. Poor hon!

Hi everyone, today my head has decided to have a migraine! Ugh! I've been plagued with them since I was seven. Bad news is...I get them with auras too! But, being the responsible adult, I am still expected to press onward with all my duties. :-(

(((((Isabella))))) Your mum wants all your attention and all your energy to be spent on her. That is how narcissistic people are. They can't help it. But that does not mean you have to do it, especially to the point to harming your own health, and possibly not having energy for your son. You need some of your time and energy for you. The biggest problem is not because she wants all your energy, but that you have decided that she needs it, and that you are allowing her to manipulate you. What if you get too ill to give her this attention becasue you are not looking after you? I think she will survive. Will you? Studies have shown how hard caregiving is on the caregiver and that those with repressed anger, get serious illnesses - you already have that.
I will go back to the cooking episode where you took a little time for yourself. Your mum, knowing ahead of time what effect it would have on her, phoned your sister, got upset - predictably, and used that to call you away from your time for you, to take her BP, talk her down etc, Izabella, don't you see that she arranged this to be sure that your attention was centered on her? Narcissists will drag you into their world using whatever means possible, This is called emotional blackmail. Consider how else that could have been dealt with. Spend 10 mins with mum over whatever the problem is - remember they do not want to solve the problem often, just use it to get your attention, and then tell mum, firmly, that you need time for you - whether it is to cook, or as right now, to heal, and go to your quiet place and ignore all calling out etc from her. Tell her you will be back to check on her in an hour, or whatever you decide and be firm, and do not cave in to her need for attention. She has you believing that she would not survive without all your attention centered on her. I doubt that is the case, Wean her off this continual attention which is not doing either of you any good, Think of a spoiled child and how to deal with them, I have had to ignore multiple emails from my mother as she would have me emailng her 20 times a day, solving little problems that really don't exist etc, or that she brings on herself thus taking up all my time. Apparently you have no boundaries that your mum respects. Then you have to establish them and keep them firm. No one can do that for you. Be aware that when you take time for yourself, your mum's demands will increase. That is how narcissism works, it is as if she is addicted to your attention, and in a way she is, and you keep giving her her "fixes". That is not healthy for either of you. I would think that some counselling would be helpful for you (or anyone else dealing with a narcissistic person) to set some boundaries and get your life back in balance. I say that having gotten counselling over the years for myself and having found it very helpful. The last time was a few months ago in the summer, over a particular situation.
Perhaps a social worker can help you to deal with all of this. Considering your surgery and your son's condition, surely the doctor or hospital has some resources for you, if you tell them how things are at home.

Know my heart goes out to you, as I have been where you are at in terms of thinking that I was chained to my circumstances and could not change anything, had to put up with it, and yet was getting to a point where I could not any more as tthe effects it was having on my physical and mental health were too negative.

Change can heppen, Izabella, but it has to start with you.We are rooting for you!
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Again, I recommend anyone to google daughtersof narcissisticmothers to find some very helpful explanations and suggestions, You need to now what you are dealing with, before you can deal with it successfully.

First.. Nancy.. Your post sounds so much like me.. Desperate for any kind of answers.. But unfourtunantly there are no perfect answers.. But one thing you will get from this site is support.. and I have found many days that is the best answer.. We are all in this battle alone w/very little or no help at all w/the caregiving for our loved one.. And everytime I come to this site it really feels like a hug.. and as we all know many times all we need is a hug.. And often w/that hug comes some advice that we have not thought of because we are to numb some days to even think.. My advice to you is use this site to vent all your feelings..(it really helps).. and I dont know your situation..but since you are dealing w/ Alzheimers w/your moms care maybe some longterm assistance is what you need to see about.. My mom does not have have alzheimers.. honestly if she did..I do know I could not be her sole caretaker.. and Im not ashamed to admit this.. I have learned through this journey w/my mom.. I am just as important as she is.. and your well being is also important.. remember that!

I appreciate the advice given to me about placing my mom in another living situation... I have looked into assisted living, but I cannot afford it.. I do think she would benifit greatly from an assisted living type of enviornment.. because she is so very needy.. and she would love to have her own place to do things her way and yet still have the care she needs..but everyone I have looked into is to exspensive.. and as far as a nursing home well that would kill her..I already know she would be calling me daily crying to get her out of there.. So I do feel so stuck.. Last nite I just broke down.. I cried enough for a whole year.. I am in pain from my surgery.. and my mom is not feeling well.. so I have to get her to the Dr.. and not one Dr.. she has several..one for each aliment..and then tests need to be done.. I just cannot recover properly from any of my surgeries because I have to take care of Mom.. All day yesterday and Im sure today will be no different it was non-stop nursing my mom.. so needless to say by the time I got her to bed I was physically and emotionally drained.. And through this all my one son is sick.. he may need brain surgery.. so I have to be there for him first and foremost.. I ask God to please reach his hand out to help someway make something easier.. but Ive been asking for so long I have given up on that.. They say God helps those who help themselves.. well what if you cant help yourself? I hope today brings peace and happiness to us all..

Burned I hope for better for you-you will do ok in the future.

I am back and doing better having finally fought the bug but what gets me is that no one else will take in my SIL and she calls and calls....I would have her over but she will bum smokes and maybe ask for money..then my own sister on the other hand hasn't responded back to me since I told her I do not want my dress UPS to here I want it COD....btw does it seem the whole world is falling to pieces...I know its not the sky but I mean the govt sucks and I am tired of doing the footwork...I can't wait for the kings and queens to come out when my husband passes...Ill have authority around to remove them...I am trying to save my family from the same curse that has befallen both of ours ...as much as you can u cannot never truly breed out dysfunction its there and its invisible plus there isn't any vaccine that i know of yet ...but on the upside I had a decent V Day...staying strong and praying lots:)

This has been a hectic last few days. I've just now been able to read the posts. Izabella and Nancy, my heart goes out to you, because I can feel the pain you're in. I wish it was easy to fix. It is hard to be the one who is being used up. And even harder to make changes that are needed for your own health. I find that just talking about it to someone who cares helps so much.

Izabella, I agree with others that you need to reclaim your life. You need a few years without stress to beat the cancer. Stress is terrible for the immune system and you need to concentrate on yourself and pulling you nest of children and husband back in. It is not selfish to do this. We can take care of our parents without having to be there all the time. There are so many options. Right now you need to take care of you. The family meeting sounds like a good place to start.

Nancy, you sound like you are being worn down by having so much dumped on you with no support from the outside. Don't you love these families we're in? When I read what you wrote, the idea occurred to me that caregiving doesn't have to be all or nothing. I wondered if there was some way to provide some temporary care for your mother, maybe even turning it into a permanent situation if she is happy with it.

I realize that it is a lot easier to type these things than it is to actually do them. Sometimes I think that it is cruel that elder care typically falls on the shoulder of one child. (cmag, it gives me heart to see there is the occasional male.) I would not be surprised that within dysfunctional families, the care falls on the shoulders of the one that was treated the worst.

cmag, I adopted names for the roles played in my family some years back. My oldest brother was the black sheep, the next brother was the golden boy, and I was the kicking boy/sacrificial lamb. My Johnny-come-lately little brother was "the last hope." He was like a separate family. My mother favored the black sheep, which is what probably destroyed him. She let him so whatever he pleased to the sacrificial lamb to placate him. She even admitted this later. She said that the brother would get so mad that it just seemed easier to let him tear me down daily. When he drank himself to death 6 years ago, the only thing I thought was that I wished he had died a long, long time ago. Growing up with him was terrible.

It is difficult to fathom, but our parents cast up into family roles, often for their own convenience or satisfaction. In my case, it was easier for my mother to let me deal with my brother than it was for her to deal with him. To this day she feels no guilt. It was just convenient. (This reminds me of something she said the other day, that I would be the one to bathe my father because I was convenient. She doesn't realize yet how inconvenient I've become.) If it becomes too hard for me, I'll be out the door in a minute. There are too many options.

I guess my thinking about this made me know what you are going through. We are not the only option for our parents. We might be convenient for them, but this convenience thing goes two ways. Often in dysfunctional families, caring only goes in one direction, so we have to care for ourselves.

I didn't mean to write such a book. All of these things are just on my mind tonight.

what a great topic. I'm doing terrible thanks :)
my Mom just passed away after me living with her for 5 years as a non medical live in caregiver. I never asked Mom for a dime. and now that she is gone, the inheritance comes to around $150,000.00 to be split 4 ways. nobody wants to give me a PENNY for my 5 years, much less a dime. perish the thought. I have an appointment with an attorney next wednesday. we'll SEE how much they are gonna pay me, now that all the brotherly love and acts of kindness are shown in their true light, as in non existent. I'm gonna suggest 300 grand to my lawyer. I will write back and keep y'all abreast of theis dysfunctional family and it's sordid shenanigans

I'm googling on this subject tonight, and have focused more on being the only child (son) of a dysfunctional single mom which my mother was during my early childhood up to when I was into my pre-teen years. Her second husband was more like her dad, an alcoholic which after some time she became also. Basically, he was her escape ticket from being a single mom and she never accepted my step-dad's children, plus she continued to hang on to me very much.

cmagnum, Codependent only child...that's me too! Thanks for the post! Very informative! :-)

I know that when I got stronger and set boundaries the husband's behavior became worse but my therapists had told me ahead of time this would happen-so I was able to understand when that did indeed happen.

An only child in a dysfunctional family, like with the presence of alcoholism, may take on parts of all of these roles, playing them simultaneously or alternately, experiencing overwhelming pain and confusion as a result.

The sad thing is that we become as addicted to playing our role(s) as other family members become addicted to us playing that role(s). Thus, when we stop playing our "role" the family dysfunctional balance is thrown off and people become angry at the person who now has some boundaries in their life.

There are several roles which people in a dysfunctional family might have more than one of. 1. Family Hero who become very responsible and self-sufficient plus have the least insight of their own inner needs. 2. The caretaker or placater who takes on responsibility for the emotional well being of the family unit with a self-definition so focused on the needs of others that they don't know how to get their needs met. We often call this person codependent for how happy they are depends on how happy others or one specific other in the family is. They often get involved in abusive relationships in an attempt to rescue the person. 3. The scapegoat who acts out the tension and the anger that the family ignores. Often they are the first person to go into or needs to go into some kinds of recovery program and thus are the one the family feels ashamed of. 4. The adjuster or the lost child who escapes by attempting to be invisible. 5. The opportunist who capitalizes on the other family members' faults in order to get whatever he or she wants. My role with my mother was the codependent only child. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional_family

Izabella, It sounds like you are the "Leader of the Pack"...the "Captain of the ship!"...Everyone turns to YOU, follows YOU, waits for YOU to decide! It's hard to be responsible for everyone, and everything, and I know, you probably don't want to let anyone down...right? I am the same way! I am 49, with husband, and kids, and I am the primary caregiver for my MIL. I am an only child. My husband's siblings, who should be involved in their mother's care, AREN"T! I agree with 195Austin, maybe you should have a "family meeting"...lay it all on the table...maybe mom would like being in assisted living (if she is able) where there are activities and others to talk to. Where will you be when the continue to spread yourself so thin? At some point, we have to think of ourselves!...And not just in the shower! PS. I hope you continue to do well! (after your surgery) ..Take Care! :-)

Izibella -maybe it is time to think of placement for your Mom-she is taking your life away from you and your husband and children-after she passes if she has not killed you what will you have if you lose your husband and children. Maybe you can sit down with your husband and children and ask them what they want and then make a decision about your Mom. When I was caring for my husband I kept waiting for others to tell me he needed to be placed and my therapist said I was waiting for someone to rescue me and that was not going to happen then I decided he needed to be placed and everyone one came to my defence-but I had to be the one to take a stand.

Nancy, have you been on this site long? People here are very caring and knowledgeable...(I know I have said this repeatedly). I haven't been on long, but I find it helps me cope, everyday, to read and post on AC. I have the "duty" of almost all the care of a MIL, and 2 out of 3 of my husband's siblings live within 25 miles! I am an only child, and thank God MY mother is still healthy! My father passed away 7 years ago. I have had a SD for the last 26 years though, and he now has Alz.! His own kids don't help him! Needless to say, I have been depressed quite often too. Why is it that some of us continually get "dumped" on? I feel quilty saying this, but it is the hard fact! We are ALL too caring! I think everyone here on AC fits into this catagory. We all have "those feeling" at times...it's only human. And, yes, stress will take it's toll...I know first hand too...I am 49, and falling apart! So, my only advice is to take a deep breath, and continue to visit AC where it is comforting to know there are many other caring people dealing with the same types of issues! Take Care of yourself! :-)

I am searching for answers. Coming from a dysfunctional family makes caregiving extremely difficult. I am very depressed as I have been the only one taking care of my mother the past 5 years when she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. She is 79 years old. Both siblings out of state. No emotional support whatsoever. My mom has suffered from depression, suicide attempts all of her life. Being the oldest all responsibility fell on me since I was a young child. My father was always absent emotionally. Poured himself into his work and outside interests. He passed away 2 years ago. I have plummeted into depression. I feel as if I will never have a life. I am a kind and caring person but feel guilty for feeling this way. I'm having health issues of my own from all of the stress. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks! Nancy

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! May you all have a chance to have at least a few special moments today, in whatever way you feel you need! :-)

I havnt posted on here for a while.. I had another (reconstruction) surgery a few days ago (due to breast cancer).. So I am now recovering from that.. and this one was pretty rough.. but I had to take a min. and post on here..everyone on here has been my leaning post through this time in my life... So.. today I am feeling very torn.. I feel like I am being torn in different directions.. Besides taking care of my mom,I also have my sons who need me,and my husband I know feels like I have put a wall up between us.. But I honestly feel some days like I have nothing left to give to my sons or my husband.. My mom as I often decribe her is like I had another baby.. she depends on me for everything.. from constant questions all day regarding her meds..her aches and pains.. she also gets lonely so she likes to talk ALL day.. then I am the one that does all her Dr appts... bottem line.. I am all she has..And mom is VERY needy.. but then I have my kids who need me..and I have to take all extra time I have and give it to them..I feel very guilty because I know they often see me stressed out w/mom and I dont want them to not come to me.. so I make an extra effort to reach out to them.. and my husband is the type who if he sees me stressed he will just leave me alone.. and that has built a wedge between us.. I have completely forgotten what me time feels like.. I had to stay in the hospital after my surgery and even then I was on the phone w issues regarding my mom.. At times I will admit I get a little resentful.. My mom had her time.. to live..raise her kids..ect.. and I dont have that.. my days revolve around everyone elses needs.. the only real thing I do for me is shower.. I miss my home being what it use to be.. I miss the time I had w/my family and I know I wont get this time back.. soon they will be gone living their lives.. and this makes me so sad because I am missing time w/my kids.. And I know the only soulution is for me to continue to try distribute myself around.. not much of a choice.. This is why when I saw this "how are you doing" thread it grabbed my attention right away.. because no one ever asks me that..

Marge what you said about your youth was the same as me I was 7 when my sister was born and was expected to care for her and clean the house then 2 yrs. later as a9yr old take care of them both and clean the house and start supper when I got home from school. My sister was the golden child and I was the one who was not going to amount to anything. I have given up any relationship with Mom I do call her often but when visiting I stay at my sister's home-she has seen how Mom picks on my at 71 -me she has me in tears.

UCantcare2much, Thanks again, coming here and reading the posts are great, and I truly appreciate the encouragement.

Emjo, Thank you also, I'm right now trying to go w/gut instincts, because you know when we can get past some of the b.s., then we can honor our own truth!

Margeaux

WOW! Cmagnum, I was backtracking this thread and read your post about dysfunctional families, and how we do this dance of not standing up for ourselves I did this for a very long time myself, as I was the eldest of four siblings. When I was a kid, I always felt as if I had to figure out everything myself, as I was from that generation, from remember "latch key," kids? Maybe for some of you that don't know what this is, it means basically the kids came home to find the key hidden under a door mat, or a plant. It meant being home alone, usually since our parents were at work. So I just got so used to being in charge, not being emotionally equipped for this job, of being three other siblings mommy. My sister, who always was acknowledged by both my parents as being smarter, more capable. So for all of my input during childhood, it somehow didn't get validated. My mom also while my sister and me were very young, placed unreasonable demands that we do all the cleaning of her house. Mom had a real weird relationship w/her sister (who was always in our lives) she was narcissistic. There were no boundaries w/respect to her. But anyway, mom used this as a guilt trip w/all of we, her children. e.g., of course my aunt would buy us things. But at times there would be some verbal abuse by this aunt. Mom never put a stop to any of that. So because of mom missing in action as a real parent, I feel that now that my sister is POA, MPOA & living w/mom, she feels somehow I guess she's trying to make that last ditch effort to get some of what a genuine parent should be to a child. I love my mom, but I let go of that illusion a very long time ago. Thanx for writing about this, I'm trying to learn more about this. I realize that at least in my family the boundary thing seemed non-existent. Good conversation! We're really on to something on this thread! Have a great evening to all! Margeaux

I am sorry I misselled your name.

Dory I am so sorry for what you are going through-I do not know how you stay there-is there a possibily your husband would go for counsuling with you.

dgrey63, What terrible living circumstances! I'm wondering just how long you will actualy be able to put up with him! You are taking on way too much stress for YOUR well-being! I wish I had some advice here, but thankfully I haven't had to deal with this type of problem. Hopefully, someone here has something for you! I know I'd be running-from-the-house-screaming!...But, I'm sure that is not an option for you! Read all you can here...my sympathy to you, Beth

I find myself getting more frustrated everyday. I am the caretaker for my father-in-law ( my husband and I moved in with him last year). He is a 78 year old, O2 dependant ( severe copd/emphysema ) , and alcoholic. He is also never wrong, very rude and stubborn.
I know from what my husband told me, that my FIL was abusive to his wife ( who has been deceased for 35 years ), and never emotionally there for his children.
Since my husband and I have moved in, we have had to deal with a sister who is a drug addict, who we had to evict and serve a no contact order and another one who moved in that is mentally ill.
I sit back and watch the dynamics of a dysfunctional family at work. There is drug addiction and alcoholism. There is dishonesty, denial and shame. No one is happy.
I do not like my father-in-law and I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. Everything is a battle; from getting him to change his urine stained clothes, to washing his hands. Anything I suggest, to enable him to feel better, he argues against. So, here I am, watching a sick, old man drink himself to death and adult children that are unhappy.

cmag, I also LOVE dairy! How cruel this IBS diagnosis is!!!!

OK...my bad...It's actually this topic too! :-)