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Blickbob hi. You are deeply entrenched and enmeshed in mom's life to the point you can't imagine her surviving without you. This state is not easily undone. You made a great first step by having the talk with her with your neighbor friend. She had excuses, she was resistant. Don't give up on this!!! You will need to keep at it and not accept her excuses. Next time perhaps you present two or three options for the days/times you'll be going out or away (neighbor stays, adult diapers, hired help via agency or care.com and she picks one she would prefer, much like you would a toddler "which outfit today, this one or that one"

You most definitely as Burnt noted in another thread I believe need a strong counselor who will help you with behavior modification to find yourself, see your own worth again, problem solve and take the necessary steps via homework assignments (like this one day away that she has "granted" you) to reclaim your life. And it will take many steps. Doesn't matter what childhood issues led you here, rather what you can do to make changes to this pattern of behavior which truly is resulting in your loss of life basically.


Of course your mom is worried about what will happen to her if you are gone. You should worry too. When you have a heart attack from this stress she will be alone at the mercy of the state because you've put no other supports in place.
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M “has given me the green light for a day trip”? What nerve!!! “She's scared if I go alone, something could happen to me”? Like what- you might order a coffee without sugar or something? NO - the reason she’s scared is not for you, it’s because “if something happens, she's nursing home bound”!!!

Why on earth are you putting up with this?
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@Beatty

It's been 8 years and 1 month since I had a vacation. At the time, my mom was 2/3rds of the way through her chemo treatments, less than a month away from trading her walker for a wheelchair, and 2 months away from starting radiation and herceptin treatments.

She has given me the green light for a day trip. However, she wants someone to go with me and I found a couple of friends to tag along. She's scared if I go alone, something could happen to me and if something happens, she's nursing home bound. She's long since forgotten I drove 3 hours to my college town by myself for 4 years.

I'm really starting to wonder if she's showing early signs of dementia or Alzheimer's or had a mini-stroke at some point that was small enough to go unnoticed and did just enough to effect her, but not to the fullest extent.
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Bob - I'm glad you have a supportive family person and that both of you had an honest chat with your mum. I hope that happens again. You need that support and you definitely need some time off.

You have decisions to make as regards your future. That's not your mom's to decide - that's up to you, You decide if you go out and about more, that's not up to your mom. If she has panic attacks then she needs meds and /or counselling.

Your mom is using her illnesses to control you and keep you tied to her apron strings. She is not going to change as she is getting what she wants. You are the one who has to change if you want your life to be different/better.

She will have an answer for every solution you find because she wants things to stay as they are. She will get angry if her applecart is upset, but that's OK. Her feelings - anger or tears or whatever are hers to deal with.

Your feelings are yours to deal with. Let them guide you to a healthier path in life, where you are not tied to your mother and where your needs are being met. Your mother wants your tied to her side but that is not a need it's a want, She could be cared for by others.

Healthy relationships have give and take, ebb and flow, concern of each partner for the other, Your mother IS totally self absorbed. She has no concern for your welfare. And you are enabling that by catering to her whims. It's not healthy for you or for her.

Keep getting support, but don't expect a change in your mother's attitude to be the solution.
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Bob, when did you last take a holiday? A weekend away with friends?
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😉 when you're part of a dysfunctional family (part 3)...

narcs be like:
"Stop whatever you're doing and finish this thing I don't want to do."
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😉 when you're part of a dysfunctional family (part 2)...

narcs be like:
"I'm going to miss having you around to blame."
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😉 when you're part of a dysfunctional family...

"Why did the narcissist cross the road?
He thought it was a boundary."
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Blickbob, you will wait for ever for your M to let you off the hook herself. She “doesn't want to be in the nursing home”. Adult diapers? She “didn't want to do it”. You are “not okay?” “It went over my mom's head”. You must decide if you want to GET YOURSELF off the hook.

If you do, give her some phone numbers, don’t answer your phone, and walk away. Stop your slavery being her best choice.
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blickbob,

I don’t think after 7 years , PT will help her . I would think her muscles have atrophied beyond chance of recovery.
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Blickbob, Agreed, you don't stand up to your mother, and you do not create boundaries. You let her manipulate you and dictate your life. So no you do not have anything to offer a wife. It is good that you realize that and won't be destroying someone else's life. You will be tied to your mother's apron strings for a very long time. Hope it's worth it.
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2 days ago, me and the family friend had the conversation with my mom. She didn't blow up, but she was crying on and off for over 3 hours and is dealing with on and off headaches. We were calm about it. There wasn't any yelling or screaming from us. I even told her my college roommate, who does PT and is currently in med school, told me literally the day before that time off is crucial for me and that it'll take a toll on me.

The rest of the day and early that night, she was telling me she doesn't want to be in the nursing home, has panic attacks when I run errands and that I don't understand that aspect and kept insisting she's better. She wants to be told "attagirl," but there have been few of those moments. She felt discouraged when she told her she wasn't getting better. I told her she technically has the money for the nursing home, but she continues to put off getting my grandmother's bank accounts in order.

I pitched the adult diaper idea to her and that it would allow me to be out and about a little more often and it would allow trusted friends to come and help out and she didn't want to do it. She shot it down even further later that night by noting adult diapers can cause people to have UTIs and that it was a UTI that lead to the death of a colleague of hers. Her motto has always been that if you haven't battled cancer, stay out of it and don't give her cancer-related advice. I told her that you can make an exception for doctors and physical therapists and she responded by saying her former primary doctor didn't find the breast cancer via the blood work he did for 3 straight years.

I told the family friend everything that happened after she left as it happened and she noted that when she told my mom that I'm not okay, it went over my mom's head and said my mom was self-absorbed. I told her yesterday not to contact my mom for a short time to spare her from my mom's wrath. I didn't tell her that my mom was wanting to choke her yesterday.

I'm now starting to accept the notion that I'm never gonna get married or have kids, unless my mom were to pass away a lot sooner than expected instead of roughly 25 years from now as I'm predicting.

She's more turned off by solutions to her lingering problems than her lingering problems. Talk about a head case.
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🙂
"Life has its ups and downs.
We call them squats."
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...a skeleton, sitting at a cafe, with an empty coffee mug:

"Don't mind me, I'm waiting for a narcissist to change and apologize and validate the pain they caused."
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Bundle, that was exactly my day today! 2 coffees then visit my Mother with kindness ☕️☕️💖
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❤️🙂
my goals for today:

"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
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🥰 today’s words of wisdom:

🙂
“Do you recharge yourself as much as you recharge your phone?”
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🥰 today’s words of wisdom:

Today’s a good day to start making a difference in your own life.
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this is a good one:

🥰 today’s words of wisdom...

”Stop hurting yourself
because you're angry at someone else."
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i am son #1 in BC canada most expensive cost living
i am 67yo retired and no savings and no income
my wife will stay and work pay rent expenses and pay daughter expenses

i will go to my dad's 90yo and do his landscape, house maintenance, cook, clean, take him shopping whatever i need to do...do i also pay for everything...eat out, groceries, misc shopping...he gave banking privileges to son #3 wife as brother 62yo is in FT care. so she will ensure bills are paid on a mort.free house

i cant even afford to go, i told dad i was having car troubles in hopes he would offer some help. i asked to visit over the last 25yrs, but wasn't welcomed

son3's son is moving out of bsmt suite in a couple months, so i said dad i will visit he said ok, next week when we spoke he said he wanted to prepare house for sale, his car for sale, board up bsmt to save on heat, i said i thought i was visiting, he sd oh i thought you had car trouble - meaning i have no money
he asked how get there, how long staying, i shud see a shrink my life is upside down from ave.joe

so i did say i'm flying and it doesnt cost much these dayz, i dont know how long stay and if he wants me gone no probEither...good grief

like Basil Fawlty "The Builders," Basil Fawlty responds to O'Reilly's statement "Just remember, Mr. Fawlty, there's always someone worse off than yourself" with the line, "Is there? Well, I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh,"
funfit55 at gee
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today’s words of wisdom:

🥰
Always aim for peace, but if you can't get peace, you should aim between the eyes.
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today’s words of wisdom:

🥰
When someone treats you badly, stop thinking something’s wrong with you. Start thinking something’s wrong with them.
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today’s final words of wisdom:

🥰
It’s not what we have in life,
but who we have in our life
that matters.
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❤️ To whoever needs to hear this right now:

You're incredibly beautiful, and that's the least interesting thing about you.
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more wise words:

🙂 No matter who it was that caused the problems in your life, it is ultimately going to be you who has to fix them. Might as well start now.
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more wise words: ❤️

Be around those who feed your soul,
not eat it.
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today’s words of wisdom:
🙂

❤️
Waste no more time arguing
about what a good man, woman, should be.
Be one.
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🥰 more wisdom...
🌟🌟🌟🌸🌸🌸

Just be
happy
and a reason will come along.
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🥰 more wisdom...

"If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like."
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SO TRUE:

🥰 also today's words of wisdom...

"Life's as kind as
the people you fill it with."
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