The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Greetings everyone. Happy birthday Golden and all the Virgos.
I am not caught up. So many times I have wanted to post. Just know that you are all in my heart and prayers.
So good to hear the progress of my heroes.
I am still struggling and fighting the good fight.
I relate with posts about reliving the ugly wrongful deeds of our loved ones.
One of my prayers is to let these memories and pain go.
How do I do this!! It's who I am even recognizing the programing that I accepted in a need for love acceptance and appreciation and acknowledgement. I am learning at this late age the things I didn't know that I didn't know. I struggle to process my ignorance or my need to not know. I recognized a while back how my subconscious understanding was working in my way of harshly imposing independence on my son. I didn't want him dependant on my love as I was with my parents. Many times I felt I did this so well that he ended up feeding into the manipulation of my mother and sister who are narcissists in their attempts to use their knowledge of his pain and my issues against me.
There was jealousy that he was a handsome beautiful child. Of course I did not deserve this. I didn't want him to be stuck on stupid and stuck on beauty and color.
Although this did affect him it could not touch our love and our bond. I later learned of the tactics in our indepth conversations after he had a child and around and after he settled down with his wife and daughter.
We have always been upfront and honest with each other from day one. I did not nor did I know how to express my issues with my mother and sister as I had had blinded myself for a lifetime. It was always An issue that I accepted and made excuses for. My every focus was proving my love and making my mother happy to no avail. It hurt that my son was exposed to subtle means of attacks witch were validated from my lack of perception and my ardant honorable and programed acceptance and subconscious understanding of retaliation and manipulations.
AnywAys I am still holding on.
Words can not express how this forum and the beautiful angels here have impacted my growth and understanding sometimes there were times I didn't acknowledge my faults in understanding. But my heroes were so admant and persistent in my journey that I was finally able to perceive and accept my truth. I learned about narcissism which I could never grasp in college but wasn't a necessity to understand. My heroes shared information about this which gave me clarity on what I was dealing with and my truth and the affects on who I am today.
My life and my profession is a cumulation of hold in my feelings and response to maintain an environment to save lives or not expose disfunction pertaining to family.

I pray and hope everyone is preparing for this return of c19 and the possible inadvernt events. Stay in Prayer and stock up on necessities I don't think this will be a joke.
In some ways I am glad I didn't get the surgery and that it will be awhile coming. I think of having issues from when the first surgery was scheduled and having to possibly have admission from complications down. The line or even having surgery in the mist of a pandemic and being exposed in danger of the circumstances.
Much love to all.
May love peace a d healing shine upon us all!

Hey, all. Just want to say hello and welcome to the new posters.

Hasta, I was reading your post and appreciating your succinct perspective on the impossible nature of caregiving in dysfunctional families, and toxic positivity, and then you said, "Way down in my Google search page was the title of a post that said something like 'Am I a bad person if I wish my elder parent would just die?' And I felt such relief."

I laughed way too hard at that! :) Dysfunctional family caregiving can be emotional torture with no clear way to get out of it. All the well-meaning advice in the world can't help in those situations, but commiserating with others in similar situations at least helps people feel sane, imo.

I'm glad you found this thread. Vent/post away and find support.

Update on me: I'm in a master's program for behavior analysis. I'm not in any hurry to start working with local services (was supposed to start last fall, but then I had the low sodium episode, was very sick, and I put everything off). I start practicum hours next year as part of the curriculum. All is well on that front.

I threw my back out today. I tend to get this painful spasm once a year or so, and I'm laid up for the day and took a muscle relaxer -- so I'm a little dopey atm. The back will heal soon enough, and it's given me time to get online and catch up a little.

I've been ruminating about my need for professional therapy for a while. I reached out to a local counselor today to set up an initial appt. The expense of therapy could be a barrier in the future but I feel I have to at least try to better recognize my emotional/mental habits that don't serve my best interests. I developed panic disorder around 2013 (12-18 months after caregiving started) and it's never fully subsided. It'd be good to gain some tools to help with that.

I reached out to a male therapist. But now I'm wondering if I should select a woman therapist. Thoughts on this? Those of you who have therapists now or in the past, do you feel same-gender is important? Thanks. Much love to all of you.

Hmmmmmmm. How am I? I feel orphaned but managing quite well. I am filing major paperwork for moms future alternate housing…Mom will go broke within the year and may not be able to stay in her assisted living. Virginia medicaid will not pay the rent. My only sibling….... has managed to get keep a big emotional detachment the past 4.5yrs with moms caregiving. He now claims he “never bonded” with any of us as a child. He claims no real love for family. Our mom was a good mom who was raising a CF child who died at 10 when we were teenagers. Her hands were full. This nonbonding status allows him to criticize my level of emotions while navigating her care facility. It also allows him to visit mom 1.5 hrs a week. When her money runs out in 12 months it allows him to refuse her a bedroom at his home {he has 2 homes} and it gives me the potential job of full time mom care in a small apartment. As Poa I do the heavy lifting for moms life. Moms 90 and healthy all but her moderate Lewy Body which causes mobility issues and some confusion that varies daily. She can not be left alone. To stay sane I see a counselor and maintain many friendships. Sadly family is very disappointing indeed! Thanks for asking..

How am I doing today?
Better than yesterday but the day is young! lol I am so glad someone made a thread on this.
It is a constant struggle to maintain healthy boundaries, provide care for your family member, work through daily life struggles and maintain chores, provide care for yourself, etc. It is all to much for one person and the layer of dysfunction definitely adds a layer of spice that leaves marks.

It's a coincidence that when I mention I have plans out, there is a fall. Or is it?
Not my first rodeo ride. I still went out.

I'm so glad to find a place that acknowledges the differences between caring for parent(s) when your family is dysfunctional versus when you have a long and loving bond with them. Initially when I googled I would see an article that would mention something about the extra level of difficulty caregiving in a dysfunctional family but the article would be short, never offering any valid solutions besides "communicate with your family." Now if we could sit and respectfully and constructively communicate would we be dysfunctional? And worse of all most had a toxic positivity spin that would enrage. me. Then I found this place. Way down in my google search page was the title of a post that said something like "Am I a bad person if I wish my elder parent would just die?" And I felt such relief.

I think why I am having such a hard time is that I am being TRIGGERED and perhaps having what I have recently learned are called EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS. My emotions are crazy. I think being back in my childhood home for a few days a week, being in constant contact with siblings about our father, I have just lost that space needed for sanity. Anyway, grateful to vent. Today my main feeling is rage. All day over a very small comment. That is how I know it is a trigger. So I did some journaling. Kind of got to the bottom of it. Told my inner child she actually did/does have every reason to feel this way. Just waiting for my heart to stop beating and the feelings to dissipate enough to maybe catch a couple hours of sleep....

Jens
I feel your pain!! My brothers did the same crap to me!! They only got involved after my Dad was gone. They knew then that they could manipulate my Mom, take over everything, cut me out of the family finally and make sure that I got nothing that my Dad left for me. They don't care about Mom. All they care about is money. Which those two idiots still haven't realized there isn't any, because they bled them completely dry!!

Random thoughts on my mind:

Some people are just bad people. You’ll keep thinking, “Why can’t they see my point of view?”…They do. They just don’t care. Some of them not only don’t care, but they get great satisfaction that you’re unhappy, or your life’s not going well, or they contributed to making your life miserable.

Some people just aren’t good people. One sign is that the conversation will go round in your head, because you keep trying to make them see your point of view.

Sometimes it’s confusing: we think, “They’re not that bad. They’re not a bad person. They haven’t murdered anyone, they’re not a gangster, criminal…”

But you know what? Someone can still be a bad person, even though they’re not a murderer, etc…

And if they’re super “nice” to others? So what. They’re not nice to YOU. That means they’re not a nice person. And they probably get some benefit from being “nice” to those other people. If there would be some benefit for them being “nice” to you, they would do it.

Don’t think a bad person will become a good person. They don’t change. You’ll keep getting mad, protesting against them, doing all you can to change them. It’s literally like banging your head against the wall.

When you’ve identified a bad person (many of them are IN OUR FAMILY), then if possible avoid them. Bad people don’t change. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Jens, let us know how you're doing!

Advice for anyone surrounded by dysfunctional people: Stop stressing over sh***y people.

BarbBrooklyn, Beatty, and Need Help With Mom: thank you so much for your support and kindness. A military friend agreed to let me stay with her if I need to, so at least I have a place to go initially. My brother will likely hire a nurse -- he has control of Mom's finances and, is also doing way better than me financially. She also has great insurance. However, a home might not be the best option for her...I will have to explain in another message. Going to try to sleep a bit.

Jens, thank you for your service!

I think the sooner you move out, the better. There is NO reason for you to be caring for your BROTHER!

Jens, there are those that just don't get it. Don't, won't or can't.

Not lift a finger - evem when they see someone else woth a full load.

Nevermind. Use your energies towards finding others to assist instead. Build a good team for your Mom yourself. Needs blow out past family sooner or later (even if you had 5 siblings). A common hurdle can be arranging 'non-family' help.

Jens,

Has your mom considered living in a facility? Then she wouldn’t have to depend upon you or your brother.

I am sure that you are exhausted caring for your mom. I was exhausted during my caregiver days. It’s a daily grind.

Best wishes to you.

I am struggling with caring for Mom who has mild dementia. I know I am burnt out. I currently live with my Mom and brother (I just moved here recently). My brother doesn't seem to care about my needs. I am expected to give up everything (financially) and take care of Mom, his dogs and him. My Mom had a fall last year - guess who took care of her (shots, vitals, exercises) while cooking, taking care of the dogs, shopping for the household, etc ? If I mention needing to go to the Doc, I get an annoyed "Why?" Lastly, we are not working together - he doesn't share his appointments/schedule. If he did, I could plan my needs around it. I asked him before to talk - he avoided me and went and hung out with his friend for the better part of the weekend. I just don't know if it's even worth trying to talk to him again. In the past, I have traveled multiple times to where they lived to take care of Mom - while he worked. I am looking towards just moving out - I don't want to leave Mom, but my mental health and future are important too.

I hear you, and I agree with you, Beatty. Continue your approach!

“I'm limiting contact left right & centre with those that present danger to me right now. Those that either drain my emotional resources, attempt to control or manipulate.”

That goes for online people, too.

Draining people have a huge effect on our health. Keep away.

One might only see the effect years later. Better safe than sorry: preventative approach: keep away.

I'm limiting contact left right & centre with those that present danger to me right now. Those that either drain my emotional resources, attempt to control or manipulate.

I find there are some situations I can avoid altogether. There are others it would appear rude not to attend but with 'a good reason' I can still limit time spent or leave early. Using a Grey Rock Lite approach. Keep to safe topics. Keep my guard up at all times.

It's tiring. Wearing a mask to hide my disdain. Feigning friendliness.

Just walking along.
Trying to see the holes in the road ahead before I fall in one. Choosing each step wisely so not to be thrown off balance.

To all those travelling on our own roads today - be of good cheer & remember to look up now & then! See how lovely the sky can be. Whether sunny, cloudy, stormy... The sky is always changing.

Hey Sharyn, good to see you on here!

hello everyone, I pray you are doing well considering the dysfunctional family. I haven’t posted in a while since having pt. It’s been a busy summer I hope everyone is well

This is a great place to vent and learn.
Like a lot of people here, I don't know of any family that doesn't have issues, no matter how great they look on the outside.
I came to AgingCare as my narcissistic father's health started to decline.
What I notice here is a lot of the "scapegoat" children end up as carers and the "golden child" is far away, too busy, too important to help out.
Is this because we hadn't learnt boundaries or because we wanted one last chance to prove our worth or is it because we are more than the sum that made us and we couldn't help but care?
I don't know, I'm still learning here.
What I can say is I learnt about setting and keeping boundaries from the advice I received here, I found books such as "The Body Keeps the Score" here, I realised that how I was portrayed in the family wasn't true, it was just a dynamic and I sought help from psychologists and therapist after my "Ah ha!" moments.

Duck, hope all is well. You have insurance now?

Just checking in.

Rays of love peace and healing to us all.

verystressedout,

I refer to people like you are describing as energy vampires. They drain all of your energy and they become energizer bunnies!

So sorry that you are dealing with this.

Interesting. Someone on the internet wrote: “Narcs probably all live to their 90s. They save a lot of energy being so selfish all the time.”

And: “I hate my dad. I hate all abusers. I hate all your abusive parents. None of us deserve this.”

And: “Nmom is now 94. It's true. I think the fact they don't have anxiety and worry like normal people, or guilt, extends their lifespans.”

And: “It’s because horrible people externalize instead of internalize. They use people to purge out toxic stress out of their bodies, unlike a person who turns it inward through self-destructive behaviors that wear out their bodies.”

Duck,

Happy to hear that your health insurance kicks in soon. Take care of yourself.

My mom had a bed sore too. She sat in the recliner all day long. It was treated too but never completely went away.

I hope your mom won’t have ongoing issues with bedsores. Their skin becomes so fragile as they age. My mom lived to be 95.

Rays of love sent back to you.

Greetings everyone!

I just had a terrible scare. A call from the nursing home about my mother having a bed sore and it was resolved.

The fear and relief sent me into a crying spell.
Its weird I was in that rare space where I'm not reliving ugly and negative self talking. I've prayed and plan to fight the possibility of going into that dark place of sadness.

TRuth be told it is here where I get its going to be alright. I not asking just sharing this realization. Which is why I thank God for this entire forum and angels.

Good news is my health insurance kicks in this week so I'm looking forward to getting help with my issues.

I hope you are all well and in good spirit. Fighting the good fight.
Rays of love, peace and healing to us all. (((HUGS)))

"The problem with being empathetic
is that you feel sorry for jerks/narcs/toxic people, too."

a toxic person's apology:
--sorry i got caught...
--sorry you won't let this go and put it in the past...
--sorry i have to pretend to care i hurt you...
--sorry i have to spend time fixing my reputation...
--sorry the attention is not on me right now while i have to stop and comfort you because of what i did...
--i said i was sorry, can't you stop talking about it?...it's all your fault we can't get past this.

🙂🙂❤️

"BREAKING NEWS!
You’re super cute.”

I always miss my dad and my mother's father - the one grandfather I knew. They are never far from my thoughts.

Duck, I am glad that you are coping well despite there being issues. There always are issues for us to deal with. It's a matter of dancing in the storm! 💃🌦

Yes, the Father is always near us -as near as we are to Him.