The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you gershun and gladimhere. Thank you so so much for hearing me.

gladimhere--I am also the oldest. Sister is two years younger and brother is 13 years younger. He never had to step up and do a thing in his life. Now he's 50 and still does nothing. "Don't tell him--he's fragile and will get upset. It'd be too much for him." What? But it's not too much for me who is a cancer survivor, all alone with no kids or support and lost my husband to suicide? Sister has always been this way--hates that she was born second. UGHGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Anyway, thank you both so much. You really made me feel so much better this morning because it is so good to be heard and so good to have someone take your feelings seriously. Best to you. x

Like a fart in a windstorm?! LOL!!!!😅😅😅😅😅😅

Thanks for that! That is a new one for me.

Jean, how many siblings are there? Just you and narc sis? There were three of us, I am the oldest. Twisted sissie #1 is a malignant narc, bipolar (I believe that woman can cry at the drop of a hat), drama queen, was mom's fav; TS #2 is also a narc, but less than TS#1.

Consider Burnt's letter addressed to you, from me.

jeanelf, I get what your saying. I think people get put into these roles growing up. The good daughter, the apple of mom's eye son, the super achiever, the middle daughter, blah, blah, blah.

In my family we had all of the above and then some. My mom is deceased but when she was alive it was kind of expected of me to be mom's caregiver cause I was childless, wasn't working etc. etc. And don't get me wrong. I adored my mom. I would have done anything for her. What galled me was my siblings response to it all. When my mom became elderly and sick none of them seemed to really care. They all assumed that I would do everything but piped up when they thought it wasn't done right. Brother would visit mom, all shiny faced, like here I am, the golden boy, what more does mom need. I think he came by once with frozen pizzas and a bag of tomatoes for her. Then he'd phone me and say, "mom looks like she hasn't brushed her teeth in weeks, what are you going to do about it" Or say things like "well, it's obvious I'm mom's favorite" then laugh like he was just kidding when I knew he meant it.

When it came to the decision to stop all life saving measures guess who the only sibling out of 6 siblings was there to make the decision with no input from anybody. Yeah, you guessed it. Me!

This is not acceptable behavior anyways but given the fact my mom was a saint, who brought up 7 children all by herself after losing my dad to cancer, after having breast cancer herself, with nary a complaint and still my sibs did nothing.

The resentment lingers but I need to remind myself on a nearly daily basis that the resentment is hurting me. They could care less. They go on their merry way.

I wish I had great advice to offer. All I can say is give yourself all the recognition you don't get from your sister etc. I believe in karma. She'll get what's coming to her in the end or maybe even sooner.

Ojrenee, I understand what you're saying. I came here tonight crying because I feel the same taking care of my 90 year old mom. Siblings do NOTHING. And my mom is cognizant and I'm totally burned out from not really having a break in over a year, and working full-time, too. I barely leave the house. I spend like $150 of my own money a month on extra bills here and on her now. I can live without my siblings (Psychiatrist says I should have family canceling--no way. I KNOW after 63 years of **** from my sister that she will NEVER EVER change. She is a narcissist and doesn't have a kind or loving bone in her body. He doesn't get it. Years of abuse, gaslighting, stealing from me. Why do I want to go to counseling and hear more lies?)

What really pushes my buttons tho is my mother. She KNOWS all this. When I get angry that I get no help, that I am burned out and they do nothing but come and go like a fart in a windstorm, (after they promised two years ago to help if I did this at least one day a week and never have yet but cause trouble instead like threatening to "report me" for not giving them 24/7 access to my house), she will never say anything remotely true like, "I don't blame you for being angry;" or "your sister is selfish" or "she treats you horribly and always has." That's the truth. That's what makes me mad. I sacrificed so much for my parents and now ruined my retirement for mom and she can't even ever acknowledge that I do this for her. And before you get all "It's your choice, no one made you do it," consider that everyone needs to be treated like a person and then more importantly, certainly doesn't need to be gaslighted--like what I say is not the truth. Thank God my extended family sees my sister for what she is and so does my psychologist who knows me (not psychiatrist who is new for anxiety meds and insomnia). But my mom, for whom I've always been there -- nah, it's just expected of me because I'm the "good daughter." The bad daughter gets away with murder. My mom takes me completely for granted and treats my horrible sister that shows up once every three months for 5 minutes like does no wrong. THAT's what drives me nuts. I'm so loyal to her, do so much, and what do I get back? Nothing but more gaslighting. She says, "that's how some people are" or "What do you want me to do about it?" I've heard that my whole life. I want what I've NEVER EVER GOTTEN FROM YOU: VALIDATION. That I'm a good person, that I do right by you, that what I say is the truth. I want to be respected enough to have the truth acknowledged. Instead, I'm supposed to just take it, be the good slave and keep quiet about abuse. Well, you know what, it's not okay. She's stolen from me, my mom and asked for 1/3 of the money when mom sold her house (in which case there'd be no money for caregiving now--what makes her think she's entitled to mom's money while she's alive?) She and her husband just retired early--bought a camper. Wanted to be reimbursed for spending $3.99 for water for my mom. It's just maddening. I really think this aggravation is going to kill me. I don't know how to make it stop. I try to rise above it but I can't make it stop. I'm SO RESENTFUL now. I'd like to place her somewhere but they wont take her in AL because of a colostomy and there are no decent long-term nursing homes around here.

Sorry for the rant. I just can't take much more. Been gaslighted and guilted into sacrificing everything for my parents my whole life. Didn't even get married until I was 57 and then my husband killed himself two years later because he had PTSD from Vietnam. I had two good years with him, when I was free. And now I'm right back into the "good daughter' role. I hate it. I need to find a way out of this but the guilt trip I get from even considering it is hard to overcome because I've had 60 years of being brainwashed..

Burntcaregiver, your letter to gladimhere was epic. Thank you for writing it.

Thx Burnt Caregiver, something to consider.

@Gershun,

Your feelings of resentment are not your inner child rearing its ugly head.
Your inner child is showing all the pain and hurt it lived through and in. Little Gershun deserves some validation and there's nothing ugly about that.

@burntcaregiver

'I'm done with being treated like less than a piece of garbage. With actual garbage, it's simply thrown away and that's the end of it. No one bothers to torment or abuse it. No one berates or bullies it either.'

Never thought I'd ever envy a piece of garbage, but you make a good case for it :(

Some heavy posts recently. I do intend to respond, I am still processing the effects of the memories brought up by family photos. Battling my personal demons, you could say. It means more healing is needed and that involves getting in touch with the pain. ((((((hugs)))))) everyone.

Oh my goodness Stacy. My heart and prayers are with you. I wish I could offer sound advice. I am sure in this plethora of wisdom and tribulations you will get guidance and a light bulb that will help. Just keep posting somewhere somehow someone will relate or happen upon your posts and give you a God sent message.
I am so grateful and cannot express my appreciation and love for the profound blessings that have saved my sanity through the wisdom and pain and progression of the journeys of others. The awesome effect and beauty of God working through such beautiful wise souls.
I respect always the awesome input that triggered and saved my sanity. So many special folk who were able to break through my secure insanity sometimes painful but an awesome experience of God working.
A painful journey so amazing to witness God working through such beautiful souls using their natural gifts moved in a way that blesses us with perspectives that truly enhance our growth and understanding in such a profound way.
I am no ways perfect. Have so Many issues. A gift of seeing certain things is painful.
Hang on there gurl and guys. God is standing by with so many angels right here in this forum and in our lives. ((((HUGS TO YOU ALL))))

Some days are ok and some days are absolutely stressful and down right depressing! My moms husband passed away 3 months ago- my mom fell down the stairs 2 years ago and refuses to try and walk even at the rehab facility. So my brother and I take care of her: grocery shopping, preparing her meals, laundry, feeding her 4 cats, changing cat litter, getting her mail newspaper making sure her doors are locked each night etc etc
I lived my entire adult life in another state and moved back 6 months ago to help my mom and her husband (he was really sick for one year before he passed away). Since her husband passed my brother who has been addicted to heroin for decades and actually overdosed 7 times and almost died twice (I learned about that recently) is back on that drug and has been taking over $5,000 out of her account each month. My mom kept wondering why that one account was getting lower each week and I highlighted the ATM transactions on her bank statement. She doesn’t believe that he would do that and is in total denial! Meanwhile she complains about her electric bill and continues to purchase items from qvc. She doesn’t see her problem by not moving - not even to use the bathroom - the house smells awful as she sits in urine for hours at a time and she doesn’t see my brothers drug problem! She is also a hoarder (seriously can’t get rid of anything!) and a shopaholic! Buying numerous things like makeup even though she hasn’t left the house for 2 years except one time to go to rehab. And buying pots and pans etc etc the house is full of boxes that are unopened. Why open boxes no one will use??? But it is her money she went to work every day until she was 74 years old - she’s now 76. I recently found documents from when some of our relatives passed away 5 to 15 years ago and they left “my mom and her children” money - about $400,000 total. My other brother and I never saw a dime of it but our one brother addicted to drugs - his drug dealer got just about half of that! This stuff is so crazy so dysfunctional that I’m telling you I can’t make it up!!
I have been getting upset with my mom recently because I think my brother has a problem and should go to rehab - but she disagrees and makes excuses for him and thinks he can do no wrong! He sits around all day while my mom pays his house bills and says he’s sick or hurt his leg and can’t mow the lawn - day after day!! One day every 2 weeks he actually will mow! Meanwhile I go to work each day Monday thru Friday all day then come home at night and do her housework and yardwork until it gets dark. And now she wants me to pay my brothers electric bill because she is so worried about money and will never have enough money to survive(which is totally exaggerated) Trying to take care of 2 houses is really hard by myself - I’m mentally and physically exhausted! This is true dysfunction!! No help and no acknowledgement or appreciation that I’m actually getting things done. Just complain complain complain and of course denial!! I’m 56 years old my husband left me 4 months ago - right when I needed him the most - and I’m sad I’m lonely and just trying to survive each day. I wish my mom was in a home where she’d be taken care of properly but she doesn’t want to go and my brother is afraid they’ll freeze her bank accounts so he won’t let her go either. I know she’s sad and mourning her husbands passing and gets lonely too without him. My mom needs to be bathed - she’s diabetic so she needs better nutrition- my brother gets her junk food candy bars and fast food during the day when I’m at work. She needs proper care!!
that’s my messed up family story… so much more I could tell you- maybe another day.

So sorry about your brother Sharyn.

And Duck..........you keep on posting. It helps you and all of us as well.

We are all in this together.

I just want to say to everyone on board. And my 3 Gs Barb Book Ali Sharyn.
THanks for sharing and reaching out in the mist of your pain or after a hard road of betrayal and pain.

Its not the sharing only but knowing some have been through so much turmoil and comevout of the storm with beautiful harts and full of wisdom to help others. I just fill grateful.

Then wondering why I'm emotional and my father Birthday is tomarrow and my cousin who passed from cancer was on the 12th.
Its amazing how deep love and even pain touches us forever. 40 years my father passed and I still miss him.
Looking at pictures......
Well
Rays of love and peace and healing to us all

Gershusun, I totally get what you are saying. I have a lot of resentment. If is very hurtful when the person denies having said something even 1 week later. There is no resolution to if. I believe it’s convenient for a person to say I don’t remember or I did not say that. I learned I had to detach from that person (which is not easy either). My heart goes out to you.


my sil in Montana contacted me today. She had to place my brother in a facility the end of June because he was getting too aggressive. If is best for both of them. My brother has had Alzheimer’s 2015-2016

I understand the struggle overcoming resentments over the way I've been treated in the past by my sibs. I can't seem to get past the memories and the feelings those memories bring up.

I guess a psychologist would say it's my inner child rearing it's ugly head.

I pray God shines his grace on all of us and helps us to love ourselves enough to drown out those thoughts.

Peace to all of you.

Well that was error at least I didn't lose the book. But basically I am struggling with how to live with outmy mother
Working with chronic pain
Acreating my limitations
I have so much to learn and I'm kind of scared because of things I did know or see that scares me that I misses.
I struggle to stop trying to control things. It's hard to let go and let God but I see the truth and grace that it's best to do.

Anyways rays if love and light to us all.

Burnt, way to go with that letter!
Glad, it's so sad to have to deal with one twisted, but two!
Anyways I admire your strength and wisdom arisinging from these unfortunate life issues.

Just this week I sought of accepted that my mother really doesn't need me to survive. I don't know how to put it. But then I also thought of all the ugly wrongful deeds towards me and trainingvmy sister. I mean deep deep stuff.
I won't ever understand the depth or reason for the hatred. But it came to me that when I was near death in hospital I heard from a family member and friend that my mother was freaking out for lack of better words. I think this may have felt like betrayal to my sister. Any way I never felt the concern and in fact things escalated. I felt alone and guilty for stressing everyone. But no one came or called. I could not walk and talk at same time. Then I think of my dumb a cooking meals trying to make everyone comfortable in the episode of distress.
Not for nothing but this week in my struggle thinking of how she treated me and how those memories are triggered just from natural situations or routine. Anyways for one time it eased my guilt.
Uplate I'm still in a cloudy space. Hip issues make it even harder to fin

😥😥

Signed,
The twisteds 1 & 2

Hey Gladimhere. I'm 'glad' you're still here too. You already know that there will not be any validation for all you've done caregiving alone, and there will certainly never be an apology of any kind. So please allow me to apologize for your twisted sissies and give you the validation you deserve.

Here goes:

Dear Gladimhere,
We are very sorry and apologize most sincerely for the horrendous way we treated you and for the outrageous and hurtful lies we told about you.
We are despicable trouble-making a$$holes and no mistake. We didn't even have enough respect for ourselves to be ashamed of how we treated you.
Indeed we are bent low with shame and remorse for it today though. We can't even begin to make amends for the 7 years of turmoil we put you through. We did nothing to help and we are sorry. Let us begin to make amends and heal.
You were a wonderful caregiver and a hundred times better than either of us could ever have been because we're sorry losers.
Please accept these two checks for $25,000 apiece from each of us as a small token of how much we love and appreciate you. This truly is the very least we can do.
We hope and pray that you can forgive us even though we don't deserve your forgiveness.


With Humble and Penitent Sincerity,

The Sissies

This should be the apology and validation you deserve, Glad.

Wow! Glad that post hit deep bought tears.
Ali same sentiment.
Sharyn I hoping the best

THanks Golden I feel like that wounded hurting child in me is overriding my life. Still learning still hoping for what I guess genuine natural acceptance. But the one I long to accept and embrace me are gone.
Losing my big girl strength after a few surpise dips and hip issue I just stay in prayer and hope.
Not crying so much feeling better. Got paperwork for retirement although it's greatly reduced by outstanding loan I just lost track of. 2000 is now 10 and growing. Never knew I was outstanding until I was yrs ago but irs and penalties was the priority.
Crazy choices bad decisions ignorance.
BUT still I rise.
I pray you are all well and strong. Rays of love and healing to us all.

Ali, I know what you mean.

I was invited to auntie dearest's lake place this weekend. She even reminded me that she isn't getting any younger! What i.would have given for her to validate me when I was in the family battleground of caregiving all by myself! I even told her once an apology would even help. NOTHING! it still hurts. Twisteds never apologized either.

For those that don't know, I was reported to APS by twisted sissies at which time I decided I had better lawyer up. APS could find nothing amiss. Then court appointed guardian and conservator found nothing amiss either. Twisted sissies never believed the pros either! I eventually won in court.

It got very ugly one twisted I haven't spoken to in 6-7 years, the other only on rare occasion. Still I hope one day for an apology, it will never come. And quite frankly, an apology will never be enough for the seven years of turmoil I went through just hoping they would do the right thing.

Sad, isn't it? Without the support from this group, I never would have made it. I have been here ten years now and listen to me I still need you all almost as much as I did then.😙😙 and mom passed five years ago!

Just a rant, prompted by someone else's post today on another thread.

The other day was my older bro's bday. I texted him a bday greeting. Then I did something stupid and "got in my feelings." I texted again to say briefly how, on his bday in 2011, I went from LA to Chicago to look in on our aging grandmother, and told him how finding the paid return-flight receipt (a flight I never took) in my files earlier this year made me reflect on life. And I tied it into a short inspirational bday message about stopping to celebrate life along the way because it goes fast. At the time I convinced myself, "Hmm, this is a nice message, yeah? Heartfelt. Personal." 🙃

It clicked tonight when I read someone else's post that OF COURSE the biggest motivation for my sending that second text is because I've always wanted to convince him that he's wrong about me. He thought I went to our gm's house in 2011 because I had nowhere else to go. I was hapless, or manipulative. He misrepresents and misinterprets my behavior because of some trope he has in his head. And years later, I'm bringing up stuff in a bday text -- while all true and *possibly* relevant, haha -- to try to show him he's wrong about me.

I will never accomplish that. And I need to give it up and let it go for my own sake.

Do we ever really learn emotional boundaries when it's family, and there's some (imaginary) chance of a loved one saying, "Geesh, I'm wrong, you're right, let's hug it out"..?

Why do I care so much about what he thinks? Why do I treat him like he's the boss of me since I've been trying all my life to show him that he isn't?

I know there's no surprise validation coming from the same old failed sources, and yet I still catch myself trying for it. Dang it.

duck I am relearning all the time - and seeing the world through different eyes. It's a slow process. Progress is all any one can hope for. I rely on the God of Love to keep working it out in me.

sharyn - I too hope he isn't developing it. My father had falls, poorly managed diabetes type 2 and high blood pressure. Hope your hubs BP is good. You say your hubs is like his father. What was his old age like? You are wise to establish yourself on a sound financial basis. I am glad you have attorneys to consult.

good summer Saturday to everyone. I just want to add regarding my hubs, my nephew’s wife works with older people, she helps them navigate Medicare, living trusts and DPOA. She takes them to dr appointments but is not an in home caregiver.

my nephew called me this morning, after telling him about my hubs stopping the insulin, he turned the phone over to my niece in love. I’m thinking of getting a living trust and having medical DPOA written up even If it’s for a short term situation. She agreed it was best to do this because we just don’t know what will happen in the next two hours we decide to drive somewhere. I did not want to jump tge gun, so to speak, being too hyper vigilant.
Golden, I agree I can’t follow him around to be sure he is taking the insulin and I know enough about detaching with love but being aware. I have a couple of attorneys here in Idaho to talk with. I can’t do anything now, but when I get my mandatory IRA distribution in January I can set up appointments to have medical on both of us.

thank you everyone for info and support. I truly appreciate it.

Barb, I only discount it because him changing his story is something he has always done. His understanding of my question is not what I’m asking. Either we both have communication problems or one of us does. It has always been hard for me to not get confused by him….if I ask him, how long have you not been taking insulin. His first response is 6-8 weeks, then 4 days later he says he only stopped for 3 weeks and started it again 3 weeks ago. I don’t know which is right, smh.

Kellse, vascular dementia is a possibility as he has already one stroke. Yes I called the dr office and told the receptionist but this was before we signed hippa rights. I don’t know if she told the dr. Now that we have rights to each other’s info, I can call and talk directly to the dr. He is on Medicare so his meds are not closing him too much.

Golden, I hope he is not getting vascular dementia. I will have to research it and the symptoms.

Ojrenee, you are truly not alone. So sorry for your loss. I relate to everything you posted.
The thing that I truly know in my heart is that God is working even though it may not seem so. This pain and hurt in our heart hits hard and through the tears and tribulations we become stronger wiser its very subtle.
Just keep God in your life and focus.
I am still struggling. It scares me that I didn't perceive the truth in certain things. Still trying to resolve the effects of programming and truthfully mental and emotional abuse. But I hold on to the love in my heart and my belief that there is still such a thing as love and that God is love.
You hang in there and don't let go!!!! We gonna be alright!!!!!!!!!

Golden (HUGS)

I am realizing these tumultuous sad moments won't ever go away. Hiding tears trying to blinking them away in transit in public. So glad for the partial anonymity of city life. Yes I look at and appreciate the love and blessings I have experienced and I know that this is part of my strength.
I lost what I was posting my usual novel.
I was moved by a post and was responding it hit home and heart.
So many of you mean so much in my heart because in all your trials and pain you have been a source of inspiration and strength and sentinels at the door of love and grace.
I realize so many issues in my brokenness and my journey to adress the pain in my heart.
I am so grateful for God's Grace part of which imminates through this forum in such a poignant way in my life.
Thank you all.

burnt - placement sounds like a good idea, You are experiencing a lot of abuse. That's not good for you. You deserve a better life. Please do what is good for you. Your mother will never be kind nor appreciate you. That's a very hard environment to live in. We can try to ignore it but it still takes a toll.

dck - sorry you are going through such a hard time these days but very happy that you are getting counselling. It has helped me a lot. The WTC trauma must be awful. I pray you meet some people IRL who will uplift you.

Ojrenee - welcome to the forum and to this thread, Many of us here understand where you are coming from. I am sorry for all that you have gone through. I hope it is over and you can start to heal now. Recovery is a long journey and communicating with people who have been there helps.

sharyn - reading your posts my thoughts go to my father and his decline into vascular dementia. He did not look after his type 2 diabetes or his BP and that contributed to his decline. My father was very intelligent too. It doesn't prevent the effects of untreated diabetes. I gather that your husband has signed his form dictating that only he can see his medical info and you have allowed him and your dd to see yours. Am I reading that right? Is his doctor aware of his falls, his diet and his failure to take insulin? The only thing that will help him is complying with his doctor's advice. Mother went through a some difficult years with my father while the VaD was developing. Please look after yourself - eat right! (((((hugs)))))

The 20 year anniversary since my Gordie died is approaching too rapidly. He would be 43 this year - hard to believe. I am feeling it more probably because I am going through stuff (photos mainly) and also preparing to leave this house which has so many memories of him and the times when we were all together.

Dd has seen the radiation dr. and will be set up with 6 days of radiation in a few weeks - much better than the 6 weeks we thought she needed at the beginning of this journey. She also has some continuing chemo which is not bothering her at all PTL.

I am slowly coming back from my thyroid meds being too low. That did not help. I hope I am on the right dose now.

Take care, all. You matter too.

Sharyn, why do you discount the idea that your husband is having cognitive problems?

Maybe not taking your insulin can cause mental confusion SharynMMarie

Maybe he is trying to save money somehow?