The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I’m hoping this is the right thread only child here, 3 years ago my father pretty much dropped my mom off at my home because he couldn’t care for her. It was a total surprise when it happened. At first it was supposed to be 3 days but never came back. He provides 0 financial support even though they are still married. My husband and I cover all her cost. Recently she has started to fall, her legs give out. I was lucky someone else was home to pick her up. I know that eventually she will need to be in a care facility and I have been trying my hardest to put it off by modifying our home to accommodate her needs, but even I know it’s inevitable.

Today she fell, then it turned into the oddest tantrum that included flaying her feet, tossing her head, soiling her bed, and when she realized that I wasn’t going to give in to her tantrum, she changed bed pad, clothes, undergarments and tossed all the soiled items on the floor. The concern I have is that this might be an indicator of maybe something new that I’m just not equipped to understand. I don’t have the $$ to cover that kind of care she will eventually need and dad won’t cover it. I’m feeling stuck and want only the best for her. I’m just not sure where to start.

Sharyn l am so sorry for your loss. Stay strong and beautiful.
Just checking in.

All the best to you Alli! You are always an inspiration for me.

Golden you already know! So wonderful and strong. Godspeed and prayers for you and your DD.

Much love to the 3 G's Booklover and Barb.

Life is throwing hard balls as usual. I had a very hard moment a few weeks ago after watching a series welcome to eden. One scene a mother slapped her daughter and it triggered such deep emotions that I had subconsciously buried in my youth. I cried for days realizing how I buried my pain in so many moments in my youth. I actually reacted to something I buried and it was another frightening revelation of who I am and the things I did not know I didn't know and how on earth I didn't see. So I am still stuck in so many ways and bewildered as I acknowledge and attempt to overcome and address so many issues. I turned to God in that young age. Throughout I have always been aware of my blessings and Grace.

Its awesome to see my blessings and how and when they come.
When I worked NYC EMS many years ago it was amazing how when I was overwhelmed with the pressure of seeing the worst we do to each other and crazy weird instances so tired of seeing death and ugly. Then I would get a delivery. One of the most beautiful things in the world and it would erase everything. It was amazing how these incidents occurred.
So in the midst of not having employment off and on the past few months I have been experiencing the same kind of blessings through my loved ones. My cousin got married beautiful. My son got a promotion. And another cousin won election for Senator.
I have been out of work for weeks at time. So very scared as the hip issue flares up the disappointments with authorizations of cases. Not taking cases because of the danger of traveling late. Cases being closed because client moved.
A few weeks ago I took case that was 16 hours and long travel time. It was very difficult especially with the client mother issues. I broke into sweat with work which I hadn't done since resuscitation in EMS. Not to mention the dynamics dealing with unrelentful but understandable essence of a mother's irrational hope need and motivation toward a complete recovery of a beautiful son who was resuscitated after a deadly car accident. Maybe in some since I am violating HIPPA. Anyways I felt like I was in an ICU unit and I was also uplifted in my professional tkills as well as the gifts I have been blessed with and a skill for difficulties. I was only filling in. So I felt accomplished after the 16 hours shift. So I was out of work for weeks. My reserve diminishing. Depressed with the lack of work on top of trying to work through my emotional issues and dysfunction. So anyways waiting for authorization for yet another case I get call with query about case. I communicate the difficulty and physical demands and I am offered a raise if I take case and agree not communicating the issue with the mother. Feeling I can get past that. Inspired by the mothe and sister reaction and surprise at the client's calm after my first time. So I agree and work again agreeing to start regular shift The next week. So that night I realize no one worked since I was last there. And realizing the offer was because of difficulty filling in the case. The morning as I am preparing to get off the mother threw a clean balled up quarter of a paper towel on floor and told me to put it in trash. I ignored this as I was organizing and preparing to leave. Then she threw the other half on floor and gave same command. I again ignored it. In my mind I was shocked. Eventually as I am about to close trash and dirty laundry she again told me to put the things she'd thrown on floor I respectfully told her that I didn't throw them on floor and I don't throw things on floor I put trash in bag. As I left the Father was smiling saying goodbye see you next week and I was felt bad

Sharyn, I hope you keep getting better. (((Hugs)))

Sharyn,
Correct, not sepsis. But watching out carefully because of what could happen. The things that could happen can get scary-they don't explain that the bad things happen if it goes untreated-and you are treating it.
I had something on my foot as a child and a red line started up my leg-everyone was concerned. The antibiotics took care of it. In those days, they called it a blood infection.

Thanks for keeping us updated.

I’m using a prescription ointment for the oozing called Mupirocin twice a day and an oral antibiotic called Keflex 4 times a day. Like I say it is getting better, but when I go back on Monday June 13, the dr will most like give me around 7 day course of antibiotics using Bactrim. I am very concerned and it is so strange how this just erupted so quickly.


thank you everyone. I will keep you updated.

Ali, I am concerned about and am watching it closely. I have a blue circle drawn around the redness so I can compare it daily to watch for red streakiking, vomiting and fever. So far it has not gotten that bad and appears to be getting better but on 7 day course of antibiotics is not going to be enough. It actually just blows me away how something so simple as a blackhead could erupt into something this serious.

thankfully I slept this afternoon for about 2-1/2 hours as a result of only maybe 4 hours sleep each night.it has been throbbing when I lay down. I go back again on Monday.

Sharyn, I was generally aware of cellulitis. Bed sores can lead to cellulitis. I'm sorry you're going through this; it sounds awful. As others have said, I would be vigilant about monitoring this. If it doesn't resolve, I'd be asking for additional testing to determine the bacteria strain causing this. NOT that this would happen to you, but I have a girlfriend who has had a heck of a time trying to get a handle on a prolonged MRSA infection that started off minor last year. Google tells me that staph skin infections commonly cause cellulitis, and they also cause MRSA infections. One more scary thing to be aware of... 😑 I'm glad you see improvement and I hope it keeps going that way. 💐

sharyn - I have heard of cellulitis and know it are serious and can turn into sepsis. Hopefully the antibiotics will clear it up. Other wise, as sp says, it is IV antibiotics. Take care!

Cellulitis is very serious. If the antibiotics cant get a handle on it you will have to go to the hospital for IV antibiotics. It can cause blood infections like sepsis. You cannot cure it topically. Do a Google search on it.

First of all it s not sepsis and hopefully will not become that. I have never heard of celulitus infections.

@ SharynMarie,
Can antibiotics cure sepsis?
Antibiotics alone won't treat sepsis; you also need fluids. The body needs extra fluids to help keep the blood pressure from dropping dangerously low, causing shock.

Cellulitis is serious and only antibiotics can get rid of the infection in the body. For your sores that are oozing you nay want to consider mestrain Manuka honey it is mefical grade and may help the secondary skin sores heal.

I have an infection that has been diagnosed as celulitus infection on my stomach. It resulted from a blackhead pore and after I got home from California on June 2 it got much larger but is deep in the stomach cells where lancing it will not be productive to get rid of the infection. I shower daily but this nasty thing is deep in the tissues.


im taking Keflex 4 times a day since I’m allergic to penicillin. My follow up yesterday show improvement but I have to go back on Monday and will most likely be given another round of 7 day antibiotics, most likely Bactrim (sp?). I’m also using a topical ointment antibiotic that is a prescription twice daily…..unfortunately the area has become oozing and so gross. This all started from a blackhead in a pore on my stomach that I have had for over 20 years.

I have to say I. Frustrated by it, never heard of celulitus infections. I have to be careful of red streaking, ,fever, vomiting.

anyone know much about this type of infect?

Golden, no, my sister is moving across country. I won’t be able drive it as it’s 28 hours to drive there (3days).

louise4 - how are you doing. I hope you have filed a complaint and are pursing guardianship. Caregiving is hard enough without all that nonsense. Have you considered placing mil in a facility Sounds like it is getting too much for you and hub.

yoda - not too early at all.

sharyn - so glad that the service went well. Your brother sounds like a great guy who will be missed. Is your sister moving closer to you?

I enjoyed the time spent closer to dd and her family but it also showed me how sick she was at times which was hard to see. She just has her last chemo of this session and we all are glad it is over. Now I have to get back into prep-for-moving mode. Time to get the new dishwasher installed. Couldn't really do it without any water.

I got home yesterday after being in California since Saturday. I helped my sister pack things on Monday since she is moving to Kentucky
by the end of the this month.

my brothers celebration of life service was great. He received military honors with a 3 gun salute. He earned it and deserved it.
David was always very special to me as he was my only brother who played with me and my sister. He would play Barbie’s with us as long as he could be Ken, lo,!

I could go on with the things he did with me. He earned his masters degree and became a manager at the defense depot he retired from. During a
l this, he was there for his family, the children, his wife. They spent so much time together. I envy such a family and marriage.

NTDY, I think you have done the right thing. Is this all in a trust to avoid probate? I only ask because of I for I have learned to avoid probate.

a question

My wife and I have our Medical POA documents and living will plus our Will all in good order. We are working toward getting a springing durable POA written up for each. She is so afraid if our youngest gets all of this authority that he will sell the house beneath us and put us in assisted living. That's not reasonable because I'm first on her list of durable POA.

Also, she wonders if her being 67 and me being 65 that we might be too young to do this. Not from what I've read.

What do you think?

This day has been a real challenge. -- I've had it with crazy "recovering addicts" and narcisistic siblings.

They showed up at the house on a Saturday am, before MIL even wakes up telling me "I'm here, so Grandma needs to get her "@$$" out of bed so I can see her."

Today, I had to call the police. - That same niece was angry that I would not take her cat and give her the kittens when they were old enough. - I became a "c***" and "b*tch".

My SIL (her mother) now screaming how much she hated me, - both going on about - I was keeping them her from them, I was monitoring calls, not allowing MIL to give them money, I was controlling her, I was lazy and didn't want the responsibility of her cat, now her baby (due in a couple of weeks) was going to be smothered, she was going to be evicted because shes not supposed to have a cat and I didn't care..

They jumped from one subject to another so fast mom couldn't keep up. Everything MIL started talking they cut her off saying "No Grandma, I'm telling you, "exactly" what is going on. This is what is happening and this is what "we" are going to do."

I am sitting right there trying to work - my WFH job, I'm on video and now -THIS! I start getting screamed at, so I finally called the police, kept the phone on the table where they could hear every word. I didn't hide it.

MIL got upset, went with them outside and took their side. -- Telling them they could come over whenever they wanted, she'd take the cat, she would give them money whenever she wanted to. --- It was so frustrating to listen to.

Hubby had to take off from work to help deal with the situation.
The police were on an attempted suicide call and couldn't make it out to the property.

I'm still upset....because
now, she's been up most of the night - wandering the house looking for her dogs which are in her room - then for a third one which does not exist though may have existed more than 5 years ago.
She's been hearing things, keeps looking out the window looking for thieves.

She doesn't walk well. She shuffles. I have to help her back into bed.

I am filing a elder abuse complaint against both of them. I've called MIL Dr. to start the process for guardianship.

@Sendhelp it's in May, and thank you :)

Let us all support Cleobird until her 18th Birthday.
When is it? (Not the actual date, month/year is ok.

Gladimhere, I'm 17 and thank you Yoda :)

Cleo, how old are you?

Cleobird,

Spread your wings and fly to freedom or as the ancient song of my gyration said, slip out the back Jack. Take your phone away from your mom so she can't read your text messages and get the h out of dodge, dam the torpedoes, take no prisinors and don't look back like Lot's wife.

I'm feeling a lot right now. My mom and I don't have good communication. That's putting it out there plain and simple. But it's not simple. Recently, my friend and I created a doc for us to talk on because my mom reads my texts and she can get back the deleted ones and so I don't have much freedom when it comes to talking to my friends, which is why my friend and I created the document so that we could talk about stuff.

I am being honest here when I say some the doc is just inside joke friend stuff. But there are parts of it that are venting about my mom because a lot of stuff happens and I can't really tell her because then she'll say I'm too sensitive, or I'm ridiculous or she'll say it didn't happen like that so I feel like I'm trapped and stuck there all the time and it just feels hopeless. Of course she found the doc and she decided to scream at me, and let me tell you, I mentioned on the doc that her words make me want to go to sleep and never wake up because they do and she told me I was her worst enemy after reading that.

I cannot express to you how much that hurts. It makes me feel like I should leave cause why would anyone want to be with their worst enemy? Am I really that much of a monster? It just really hurts me what she says to me and I feel so unloved and alone.

Barb, I'm not feeling suicidal. I'm just saying that my awesome sister in law has pulled me out of that pit in the past. Actually, we are so close, we are more like blood siblings than like mere inlaws. I've never heard of such before, but it is possible and others have told me of the same kind of relationship.

Yoda, if you are feeling suicidal, please get yourself into emergency care asap. I was in that headspace many years ago, and admitting myself (and admitting that I needed help) was the best step I ever took. You can do that more than once. (((((Hugs)))))) Barb

This weekend was uncalled for and toxic. Something about my being in trauma therapy for the last several months and preparing to retire next month has caused a disturbance in the force and it is not happy.

Something must change to stay on this healing path according to my new friends in a private trauma group. I sent my therapist several emails over the weekend and called him today. He agreed that I need to come in more often and will see him in the morning.

He also said with this toxic drama going on that we will change out game plan which he will explain tomorrow.

Also, I've had a heart to heart discussion with my SIL whose noticed the same dynamics. She has some ideas that might work, but for the whole thing neither she not I am sure. We have been like Luke and Leah from Star Wars in this toxic extended family. She's even been able to keep me from killing myself. She told me some things from the depths of her soul that have not been shared before. We have these sort of conversations occasionally.

I look forward to my session in the morning!

UPDATE AITA for walking out of the Airport when I saw my husband's mom standing there with her luggage?

It's an interesting real life story of enmeshment relationship between son and mother, and the third wheel wife who just now sees the light.

Here's the link to the article in Reddit.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ur2l3s/update_aita_for_walking_out_of_the_airport_when_i/

UPDATE

"Hello!.
I don't know where to begin...it's been an absolute nightmare recently. And I feel like I was losing my sanity.
So for more details about my situation. I have to admit that my husband's mom favors him over all his siblings. this affected his relationship with them and me as well. He's never seen an issue with how differently his mom treats him, it bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable. The whole dynamic made me feel uncomfortable. Going Low contact has never even been an option. Like he has to see her or call her everyday.
Most of his siblings don't talk to him and I 100% believe it's because of his mom's favoritism like I said. He does bare some blame for not seeing how wrong this is til this day.
In many instances I found myself making excuses for his behavior. Even in my post. I did it spontaniously and I don't know why. But I guess it's because of how much I love him and because I really really wanted to be able to work things this type of things out without letting them affect our marriage.
regarding what happened with the trip, He tried to have a talk with me and most of what he said came from place of blame, Blame towards me. I just couldn't continue with this argument. I told him I needed space and that I would be going to stay with my sister for a while. He didn't take it well, he literally got up from the couch and opened the door telling me to go right then. In that moment and seeing how he was still not even anywhere near understanding what he has done just....made things perfectly clear to me. I just had pictured years and years of my life being lived like that and I was like no...I can't do it, Can't take anymore of it especially when he keeps focusing on being right every time. His mom can do no wrong. I'm always the aggressive, crazy, jealous, pathetic, overreactor.
All these people's opinions, advice and concerns were like a spark...like the wake up call I really needed. Though I wish that it didn't get this far but what's done is done.
Right now I'm staying with my sister (I brought my dog with me as well) He sent me his last message telling I'm the one choosing to end what we had together but I believe it's the other way around, especially with how he keeps making his mom the victim in this situation. It's become clear now that we keep going in circles with no end in reach and I'm just so exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm not mad at him and don't expect him to change but...at least I'm given options to decide what's best for me and my future even if it's seperation and divorce.
A big thank you to those who reached out with resources that I feel very very lucky to have come across. Just wanted to give you an update since many of you asked for it."

Hey WoodyAllenMovie, I would start a Question thread and post it. You'll get more feedback/input that way. There's nothing wrong with posting here, but it's an ongoing support thread, and I don't think it will appear in the new questions.