notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
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tg - so glad you are having some time away frim dad. Hope there are more times like that in the future.
talboots - do want is good for you and don't be bullied into anything. Let go of the guilt. You are not dong anything wrong.
yoda - good idea.
duck - I have found that being thankful for the scraps of positive interaction with my mother was helpful. Also it was helpful realizing that there weren't many, and when she was alive the chances of getting more were small. It was just reality. I got my mothering from other people and eventually learned to mother myself. Always take care of you,
I have been on inositol for a while now. It increases dopamine, which is deficient in CFS/FM and I am feeling brighter. Recently I read that Vitamin B1 (thiamine) can help people with my condition by increasing energy so I am taking it too and I think it is helping. I need to get my thyroid checked to make sure it is OK as high thyroid has a similar effect.
My dd has had two shots now -a little sick with the second one, and she will book her DH, DS and DD for their second ones soon. Good to get that done. My poor grandson who lost his dad a couple of weeks ago has been long time fostering a cat for a friend and she went mussing a few days ago. I hope he finds her. They were so good for one another.
My last remaining long time friend has dementia and it looks like it has progressed, I sent her an ecard for her birthday and it hasn't been opened. I also sent her flowers as I knew she would get those and I got a simple "thank you" email but no news so I suspect she can't do it any more. Between that and losing my ex silm some grief has been triggered the past few weeks.
Trying to get a little sun some days, pluck a few weeds, bring stuff downstairs for trash or give away,. That and keeping my kitties happy and well and normal housework etc keeps me busy enough.
(((((hugs)))) to everyone!
I am so sorry for your loss. Your sister is toxic! Let it go. She may never change. Some people with mental health issues never seek help and they are miserable to be around. Take care of yourself.
The dysfunction in our family hasn't abated over the years. My husband called my estranged sister to notify her of our father's death and was met with yelling, hostile language, name calling and narcissistic behavior. No sympathy. Just screaming and "no one cares about my feelings!" As if she is the only one suffering the most right now and everyone else is the enemy. (This language coming from someone who ignored every update I sent about our parents, never engaged in a discussion for their care and was always hostile or passive aggressive in person.) Sad to say it was all expected. Had I been the one to make the call, I expect I would have been met with much of the same.
My therapist suspected, based on the stories about my sister, that she may be suffering from some sort of Borderline Personality Disorder and I wonder if that's true. It would explain so much.
I wish I could just grieve in peace. It's so hard to handle. I feel like I'm constantly pushing back at impending panic attacks.
I'll just continue to breathe, appreciate the support and love from others that we have received and focus on the better memories. I can't hang onto my sister's toxic behavior. As badly as I would like to ease her sorrow as well as my own, I can't go setting myself on fire to keep others warm anymore, so to speak.
My heart goes out to anyone else out there going through the same. I hope we all have the strength to guide is through.
I have wondered so many times what happened to my self preservation so very long ago that I continued to need and yearn for that little thread of love from my mother.
I found a letter I wrote to my son dated 6/14. I was trying to explain the hatred and ugliness I finally realized from my mother and sister. I wrote that I did not like my mother but I loved her.
Then I realized that for what ever reason, she didnt like me either but kept me fooled and programmed me with guilt and fear to become her emotional slave.
I look at my family and its so deeply sad, how mental illness and jealousy and family chains flourish not just in my immediate family but other relatives also.
Sometimes I feel so sad and broken but thankfully I maintain a piece of hope and a lot of faith in God.
No try I agree that we should keep trying to find ways to release the painful memories.
Shoot! I had a flashback of my father calling me ugly one time as a child and immediately the memory of him squeezing my hand so tight that it hurt badly on the night before he died.
I wish we didn't have to go through this menagerie of pain and hurt and brokenness. I also wish I didnt feel responsible to help fix brokenness when I see it.
I wish I could fix myself.
I have started taking Krill oil. Its great I feel good. Sad thing is when I feel good I feel like its not going to last.
I hope everyone is in good spirit and health. Father's day is a hard time for me, I miss my father so much. Here I am 60 years old and missing my daddy but I do. When he died my mother's crazy was really unleashed.
The Guardain supervisor called about the rent arrangement wanted to come to an agreement out side of court and wanted income information. I was like no way just do what the judge said. I am so tired of the disparity in reposnibility and caring as well as expenses for my mother. We needed court intervention and we still do now I feel I have to beware not only of my sister but agency agenda also. She started out mentioning the going rate for rent in the area. I just shut that down saying the house is paid for. You all just need to do as the judge said during the hearing. Split the gas, electric and water. My mother would be responsible for taxes and insurance. They can break that down in any way and I have no problem as long as its before a judge.
They are working on changing the cable. My sister must have accidently took off the parental blockage. Next day it was on again. So I reminded Guard. about switching cable in my mother name. Now after they called about rent its been two weeks. I just realized that suddenly my sister was buying snacks and orange juice and soda for my mother. I was like wow what happened, who schooled her, no I realize it only started when the issue addressing rent came up and also now so far the cable has remained unblocked. Now if she left it that way and didn't feel a need to use parental control as a power tool they wouldn't have to use my mothers money for cable as it is my nephew who pays the bill. I still haven't seen him around at all.
Also the repairs are still in question as far, there is question about structural damage and also money issue around repairs and paying for nursing home care. I told them to check home insurance and was surprised that they had not considered that option for the initial repair to the sewer line. I thing a lot would be covered under the insurance.
My mother is doing so much better with the aides and Seroquel is working nicely. She is not too sedated but it seems to ease her communication. There are times though that she is almost in a stupor tracing designs or something repetitive and it breaks my heart. She is 100% better since the true intervention. We still have a long ways to go and I am not looking forward to it but hope next year this time we will all be settled.
Rays of love and peace and healing to us all.
1. Some memories are to painful to emerge until much later like when a parent's decline has put her on the dying category.
2. These memories are hard to talk about and even harder to share with the associated feelings because they have been burried for so long and learning to bury your emotoins anyway.
3. While writing like in a letter to them or a poem about them may put the emotions on paper, they can still remain inside. That is true even when you read them aloud.
4. Until the emotions are set free any written forgiveness attempts are cut off from real feelings.
5. From a discussion recently, the idea came that I could go to the pictures that I first used to communicate to my therapist about my mom with captions about her actions and captions of her statements. Along with that came the idea of saying those captions aloud and let my feelings flow as I read them. The person that I was talking to thought this was a great idea.
So, with being all alone for two weeks with my wife gone to visit her identical twin sister for two weeks, I went up to my Man Cave and proceeded to do what I described in 5. While it was not a mighty flow of emotions, it was a start. That's better than before and good. I'm going to tell my new therapist about this tomorrow and see if he wants me to keep doing this on my own or just weekly with him when I see him again.
So, if your emotions are dammed up like mine by all means try various ideas to get those feelings freed up.
I feel like I work two jobs, still even though the aides are there. I cant complain because they take care of my mother. I am often cleaning out old stuff from vegetable bins. I just do but I realized that the older one makes a lot of requests while she sits on her butt. And at first was adamant that they give meds and then started getting used to me pulling them and mixing them for her to give. She called me one morning on my day off and asked me to come give my mother her meds and I told her just give her the green one.
Given that I dont have much trust sometimes I feel a tad of trickery in the back ground with her, the oldest one. So this is all new and both are great with my mother. Today after I came up from work the repair woman called me saying she had knocked on door for me because the aide told her to ask me to open the door, I told her the aide had the key. This was almost twelve and I get up for work at 430 and I was haveing a hard time getting to sleep.
So here is the cream of my post. The supervisor called about them charging rent. She stated that they look at the going rent, and could we work this out with out going to court and also if I would be willing to give them record of my income so they could determine what to charge us for rent. I was too trhrough! No I will not be willing to provide my income, I make more than my sistewr and there has always been a disparity in what we each do for my mother and we are both doing the same we have always done. I made very clear my question of how do you think you can make this discision between us when we are in this situation already needing intervention. Also that my sister looked sweet paying the bills or her so called portion of the bills while she had charge of my mothers money but that stopped after the transfer because she was using my mothers funds. Also that I repeated request for many years for and investigation of an attempt to transfer 5,000 which was never addressed and also the fact that they held back some of my mother money during the turnover process and who knows how much money they have taken while in charge of the accounts as neither APS or the Guardians or the Lawyers address my request to investigate that attempt. The account had my nephew name on it and that is probably why. He had the address changed to his own. And I only got my mothers mail during that unusual attempt to transfer the $5,000 and when they closed out the accounts. I also made it clear I had one room where she has one entire floor. That I am still during repairs and addressing issues that my sister has no clue about.
I also made it clear that my mothers home is paid for and if they even try to charge going rate I would be leaving. I also demanded that they go with what the Judge at the guardianship hearing said to do. Which was split the gas electric and water between the 3 and my mother pay the insurance and taxes. I explained I would be willing to increase things as needed but I need court order for everything.
I have had an unfair load from childhood and its time to stop. I said I dont even watch tv in my room I work and when I'm off i spend a lot of time with my mother I buy groceries and needed supplies, I take her to md, I cook and clean and do her laundry.
.
Last week was the first time my sister bought snacks for my mother I looked up and see an entenmans cake some lorna dune cookies and some chocolate chips In one of the storage containers I bought I asked aide if she bought and she pointed upwards. Surprise.
So anyways I also want to share another outlet that helped my stress and journey. Derek Prince on utube again I just happened upon this and its been very helpful. I know religion is not everyone's cup of tea. There is a lot of teaching that brings understanding and it has helped me.
I will try anything to help me through this sad place in life.
But due to past history of my mother not wanting me to watch her tv from time I moved back in and her and my sister on mission to block me from watching tv I have vowed in my heart to not be responsible for my mother's tv or cable. I was unable to get cable service or pay into my mother's service that was being paid for by my nephew who was living in the room I have now. My sister had her own service and kept getting over due notification and at some point they took out the cable box from my mother's kitchen and any remotes I left were taken then eventually the channels were blocked. It's so very sad the results of my sister's sickness and quest of narcissistic power and control.
Barb, still I rise.
I also want to share something that uplifted me in my struggle and tears. I understand the preferences in spiritual guidance and strength. I have appreciated deeply all input and feedback greatly. Last weekend I happened upon this song and it was a beautiful inspiration in my heart. God's Grace utube. I pray it moves and inspires your heart and strength in spirit.
Rays of love light and healing to us all.
Went out and bought 5 pillboxes to put all his meds in so someone else won't screw it up. Sealed in vac bags for each week and his med list. He doesn't appreciate all the work someone else has to do so he can go away. Oh well, off for a 6-hour drive tomorrow to deliver him.
Yay! Enjoy your time off from caregiving! Forget about everything and concentrate on yourselves. You deserve it!
I get a few weeks of my house and my wife by ourselves. Long overdue. Burnout has been huge lately so looking forward to quiet time!
Barb, my mother has to get evaluated for assisted living which I doubt she will be eligible for and then the option is temporary placement in a nursing home. That decision has to be approved by a judge.
Meanwhile I took her for medical apt last Friday and the doctor says its to late to start her on meds for the dementia or Alzheimer's we dont know what because she has never been tested and that is another reason why I am pissed at my sister. Thank goodness her pressure is down and good.
Also I was surprised at what the aides report. She murmurs and babbles but she told one very clearly she didnt need nobody to take care of her and yells out orders in nasty tones like she did with me. The other aide says she came in once and my mother told her this is myhouse and I am going to beat your a. she says she kicked off her slippers and started hitting her with the shoe. So I feel uplifted to see she is quite aware and she is also funny with them. She gives one a big hug and I dont think I ever got a hug from my mother in life. Now I say that and that is one of things that make me tearful. She is aware of whats going on and I am glad she is still here in mind. I have to let what could have been go but I am still pissed.
Mothers day and pictures bought back so many memories. I was my mothers extention but she was my everything and I mattered after her and my father and my sister. So these moments how I kiss her and snuggle her I am getting that touch and closeness I never had and dont truly have now but as usual I have to make due with the crumbs and sometimes it hurts not mattering to anyone even if its a life long issue.
So I realize I have to slow down my chronic need to fix and do and keep focusing on me.
Golden, I try to focus on your theme of self care and I am getting better and bolder with putting myself firs even if the guilt beats me up. I even caught my self putting again someone elses needs before me on job and agreed to a schedule hours change and I had no problem makeing it clear it would not work.
Then I had the issue of the temp. going down and it being cold for my mother and my sister have key to the room where the themostat is. yes we are getting to summer but it pissed me off that she has no done anything about temporarily turning up heat. If i get some one to break the lock I would be wrong. I see temps going up slowly this week. I have not heard back from the guardian when I told her I need a key tomy mothers room to have access to the thermostat.
And on that note thanks for bearing with my crazy.
Happy Memorial Day, God Bless all the present and past Veterans always.
Stay strong, you are going through something I foresee in my future. I am definitely cut off from my sister and still getting pissed.
I can imagine the pain and also the happiness of reliving memories of your parents. Again I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
I think the fog is both brain fog and mental fog. I can't multi task at all anymore and it takes me longer to process information. I also have trouble dealing with noises and crowds. My energy level is so much lower. I get overwhelmed so easily now. Mentally, my anxiety is chronic. It used to come and go.
Another thing is I started losing hair about a year ago. Its so thin in places you can see my scalp. This has happened a couple times in my life, probably from stress but this time it's worse and not coming back. My thyroid tests are fine. I'll talk to my doctor again.
Little by slow I am going to get myself back on track.
Sorry for swooping in and making it all about me. I know everyone here is trying to deal with stuff. Hugs all around.
I don't know if you meant fog as in brain/mental fog or in general, but brain fog can happen, too. It's difficult to think clearly if you're under chronic stress. Good job in putting in boundaries with sis. It's never something someone wants to do with family members but it's necessary.
Love you, too! Big (((((hugs)))))) to go forward from everything and have a more peaceful and joyous life. 😊
Just recently I am feeling the fog lift a little. Underneath it all I feel sadness and loss but also relief. I am recalling good memories of my parents and holding them close.
The relationship with my sister has permanently changed, which is a good thing. Through all this I learned to set healthy boundaries and give myself permission to keep safe distance from her abuse. I wish her no ill, I just have zero desire to resume anything but a peripheral relationship.
There is still business to tend to though. Although Sis liquidated most of my parents possessions and property while they were alive she put Dads coin business, inventory into storage. Boxes and boxes of stuff that needs meticulous sorting.
The job is huge and my brother has the expertise so we are all involved. Sis is still the paranoid, controlling person she always was but I don't care anymore. Her control and leverage is only about "stuff" now, not my parents or my connection to them. Contact with her is still exhausting but I am pacing myself. It will all be over in time.
Meanwhile I have decided this will be my last year at the school. I can pick up enough hours at my other job to make ends meet and come March, 2022 I start collecting social security. These past years have completely worn me out. I need time to heal and find myself again.
Love you all.
Where is the guardian going to relocate your mom during construction?
ali - you too. You may be having a delayed reaction to the whole "N
" episode combined with the pressures of school and/or all the things you have mentioned
Definitely exclude as much stress as possible and ramp up the self care! 🛀 ☕🧀 🚶♀️🌻
I take my mother to doctor later. It's new to me getting her in and out dealing with her confusion. I have to fight her to put a pad or pamper on her incase of emergency like before.
Eenjoy Memorial day weekend. There was a time I I would pull out the grill and sit out having cocktails. I am low on energy.
Enjoy
Rsays of love and peace.