notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Great news and hang in!
Sharyn, so sorry for you loss. Midget RIP, I hope she is in heaven with your mom.
I have been off line for quite a while. This forum is always in my heart. So many things I shared in my mind the past few weeks.
Although the only thing that has changed in the craziness is that we got homecare. They came on the 3/05 and then again on last Friday. MG the guardian manager says she called my twisted and she said she could not make it even though she was home. She called her twice after that with no answer. So she revealed her true self and intentions. I broke down last friday when I heard this because of a life time of the unfairness. I am so glad I did not try and retaliate on so many wrongs. the flying monkey DN I dont see and the oldest one is still cordial.
I cant explain how it feels to finally have help. For some reason my mothers 90 year old friend of many years came by and he said my energy was much younger than my age. I am feeling stronger. Much wiser, and a work in progress. Finally some help after all these years.
Meanwhile its seems my mother took well with the aide. So far so good. Please keep us in prayer.
Stay well and safe. Rays of love and healing.
Golden, yes it is like losing my mom al, over again. It is not the same but very similar. I will move through it but it is different than losing my kitties. Part of it is because I know cat health well enough to recognize the signs. I’ve never had a dog before so it was very unexpected. Yes we have a 3-1/2 year old golden retriever. He is my hubs dog primarily, but he loves me too. He has to go outside with me every time I go out in the yard. If I don’t acknowledge him,he cries until I do.
pam, yes midget was a character. She stole my personal belongings and hid them between the couch cushions and under pillows. Socks were her favorite. She never destroyed anything, just hid them.
Send, yes Midget is a big part of my and my moms story on here. That little dog got into my heart.
I started having ear pain last week but with everything going on with Midget I did t go to the dr plus it wasn’t severe. It did go in today. It’s all sinus inflammation related. I have to use a nettie pot 2x a day, Flonase once a day and a humidifier at night. The climate here is very, very dry.
Thank you everyone for understanding about Midget and the connection to my mother. It means a lot to me to know that so many get that connection.
That connection to your mom makes it even harder I know. My mom took care of my kitties when we travelled and I know I'll always think of that when they leave this world.
My heart goes out to you.
I remember Midget.
She is so much a part of your Mom's story, and your story.
So sad for your loss. 🐶
NHWM, yes, they are a part of our family. It is so hard to put them down, but all the years of love and companionship they give is worth it for me. It’s a personal choice.
countrymouse, you are so correct, she is chasing socks for eternity.
Our dogs become part of our family. It’s terribly sad to lose them.
I miss having a dog so much. My mini schnauzer and greyhound lived to be 13 years old.
We are never ready to say goodbye to them.
I miss having a dog but don’t think that I can go through losing one again so I haven’t gotten another one.
They bring us so much joy and all they want in return is to be loved. I can tell that you loved your pooch with all your heart.
So sorry for your loss. Midget sounds like she was a special little dog.
Take care.
I also have a poodle, a mini poodle, Sandy. She helped save my sanity during the most difficult times with my mom. I love her so much. I dread the day I have to do what you did for Midget.
So sorry Sharyn. Have a good cry and think about the good memories of Midget.
in April of 2013, we moved our mom into assisted living. Memory care would not have a room available for a couple weeks. mymom had her dog Midget with her since she could still take of her
i had gone over to the factory get my mom a shower. I put clean clothes out on her bed, turned on the shower. When I returned to the bedroom, my moms socks were gone. Midget had taken her socks and was stuffing them in between the couch cushions. I got the socks back , came back, came back in the bedroom, my mom had put away the clothes. This placed out 3 times repeating until I shut the bedroom door. It was like a Laural and Hardy movie. Finally my mom got a shower.
sadly I had to put Midget down today due to kidney failure. She would have been 13 in July. This is a normal life span a small poodle.
this is my best and favorite memory of Midget and my mom together. Losing Midget has been hard because of the connection to me mom. She had a great life and was very loved.
My wife and I have had ours a week and they are great. My physical therapist likes them, but her husband who has to work all day on the computer finds them to be very helpful. Here is some information that I found online plus a link to an article.
"An overabundance of blue light from ever-present computers and cell phones can cause daytime fatigue and upset our natural rhythms. While there’s no strong scientific evidence that blue light from digital devices causes damage to your eyes, there is a growing concern that blue light can have long-term effects on our health. "
https://wexnermedical.osu.edu/blog/blue-light-and-vision
How long have you used the glasses? Do they help much?
I am just checking in. I used to be able to say I am not updated but it seems there are much less posts and members.
My update is I am scared to say but good, I got so much accomplished last week and felt so good. I was scared to push in fear of a set back. I dont know what was wrong with me but it was physical spiritual and mental.
I left my mother in a tearful mode like when I found her on floor. I hugged her and told her not to cry, not to worry dont be sad because it makes me sad. she asked for candy. I promised to bring her a nice piece of cake which I have bought.
Dont know what I will find when I get home. But I am so thankful to feel good inside and out. aside from the hip.
This forum is a life saver for me in so many ways, thank you all for sharing.
Happy Easter. Love and healing to all.
Ali you've been doing a lot of growing. I'm proud of you too.
There is always a way out, it is the courage to completely change our lives, leave what is familiar and create an alternate route, that is difficult to muster up. Many of us have worked through this.
Congrats to all that developed the way! We all deserve a peaceful life without conflict. But, we have to choose it and make it happen. We need to do it largely without help in our lives. But here, you will find the support.
Giving up only allows the dysfunction to continue to suck us in, over and over and over.
I gave my daughter a copy of this poem when she was in school. I also think it can apply to caregivers, really anyone that needs confirmation of their strength. Plus, the oak tree has always been my favorite tree!
The Oak Tree
Johnny Ray Ryder, Jr.
A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the Oak Tree’s leaves away
Then snapped it’s boughs and pulled it’s bark
Until the Oak was tired and stark
But still the Oak Tree held it’s ground
While other trees fell all around
The weary wind gave up and spoke
“How can you still be standing, Oak?”
The Oak Tree said, “I know that you can break each branch in two
Carry each leaf away
Shake my limbs and make me sway
But I have roots stretched in the earth
Growing stronger since my birth
You’ll never touch them, for you see
They are the deepest part of me
Until today, I wasn’t sure
Of just how much I could endure
But now I’ve found with thanks to you
I’m stronger than I ever knew.”
Don’t we all feel ourselves swaying at times, as if we could snap in two?
It’s good to remember our strong roots that lie underneath.
I know that I need my roots to hold me steady right now as I visit my mom in the end of life hospice facility with end stage Parkinson’s disease. She’s 95! She’s completely bed bound now.
It’s hard for me to go through this last chapter with mom even though I have been through it with my dad dying in 2002.
My brothers and I have had our ups and downs but are remaining civil with each other for all of our sakes.
I don’t post on this thread a lot but I read it. It’s a nice group of people that meet here.
I used to get that sick feeling going into the house when I was taking care of the place and my dad. I would get really angry sometimes, too. Either way, it isn't good. Your brain is telling you to RUNNNNN, RUN AWAY! But I very much get it that it isn't that simple.
Life is complicated and caregiving situations to dysfunctional family members are super complicated at times. Extracting ourselves from the layers that keep us in a place that makes us feel sick is a process. Keep going, hon; keep working on it as best you can. Everyone deserves a peaceful life if you're a peaceful person, you know? It's taken me many years, too, to figure out how to limit the dysfunction and drama I inherited and grew up in. It helps that some of my closest family members also seem to have changed... grown... through the years, and civil interactions are now the norm and not the exception. I've learned to do my part to keep them that way, too.
Ali that walking into the hole poem was awesome. Seems even though I find another street the hole is still there waiting.
Golden it is absolutely true no matter how much couseling and advice is given nothing will change. This is why I found it useless to speak up and cry out about all the issues and insidences that have accumulated over the years.
For me its like the hole in the street. The same old stuff for years. I see myself slowly truly accepting things. This truth has been obvious all my life I dont know why I find it so hard and painful to witness or accept.
The toll of the stress has scared me. It felt like my life force was drained and I couldnt hardly build it up.
I cry reading Ali's post about the weakness and diziness. Very similar and scary, I am still not up to parr but getting better. I must say that sometimes when I enter the house or know I am on my way home my stomach gets sick.
Its good to hear post from people who know this and been there. Its almost like I am growing up temporarily. Because there are times that the stress builds up so much that my demeanor at work is much less tolerant and no nonsense. Its weird.
Being a scapegoat so long is almost fierceless in certain situations, now even when the stress has decreased my intolerance of certain things I used to let fly by gets stronger.
I thank God for being my strength and my shield. It a lot worse when l forget this.
I miss my grands, I miss inticmacy and love. My life is my mother and this dysfun ctional environment of deterioaration of the house and those of us inside. The account is in effect no after they clear some invoices the care will start so its right around the corner and not years. its all I have been waiting for and I am hoping its not an aide who is open to my sister's beautiful maze of manipulation. Even if it does get revealed.
So much to do and I need to get personal things accomplished before this heat sets end.
I pray everyone is safe in spirit and health. I have much love for you all. MUHH
I've had mixed results with roommates in past few years. Most are great, or if they're annoying it's very minimal and stuff you'd experience anytime you're sharing living space with someone else.
If I want to save money each month, and pay for my school as I go (trying...), then I have to rent the extra bedrooms. Most of the time, I enjoy having the company. Structuring the lease as month-to-month gives me a lot of ability to stop tenancy of people who are bad for my mental health. Seems like both extra bedrooms will be open for a bit around mid-April and I'm ok with that. Would be nice to clean everything out. Seems everyone who moves in leaves a little something behind in freezer, pantry, or bathroom shelves.
My daughter has had roommate issues in the past and it caused anxiety for her too.
Hoping you will have harmony in your life soon.
I have a bad roommate situation that's come up in the past few weeks and I think that is contributing to my extreme anxiety, but I don't think it's responsible for all of it. I'm just amazed, I guess, that this level of anxiety is still there under the surface after some years of feeling much better each day.
The roommate situation will resolve (I've given her 30 day notice to move out already) and my physical funk will get better, but today... I can't do much of anything. I remember this feeling. It isn't good and I'm just hoping it's gone in a day.
I have cut & paste a copy to keep. Thankyou 🤗