Today has been tough! It started last night when a nurse from my dad's facility called and said he wanted to go to the hospital because his stomach was hurting. He has done this before a few months ago. During that time the nurse said they tried to get him to take something for his stomach and he refused. The nurse also said if he went, they would probably send him right back because there was not anything wrong. So I convinced him to take the meds and he felt better. Last night they gave him some medicine but he kept saying he wanted to go to the hospital. So the nurse told me that she would call back if he did not feel any better after the meds and still wanted to go. I did not get a call back last night but a nurse called this morning and said he was still talking about going to the hospital. He did develop diarrhea and she said he vomited some, So the nurse consulted with the doctor and she recommended he go. Well then he changed his mind and even ate breakfast. So long story short, he called me twice while I was church and started talking about the hospital again. So I called the nurse and he changed his mind again. Now he says says he will wait until tomorrow. I know there has been a virus going around and I'm not trying to say he is not sick but he often does this especially when he knows I'm about to be off work for a holiday. I also know he is declining cognitively. I now have a migraine.
I know that the perfect family does not exist and that often what seems like a perfectly happy family is not the case. Having suffered years of emotional abuse and watching him mistreat my mother has had a very negative affect on me, even as an adult. Only after I began therapy a few years ago ( I still do off and on) did I realize the magnitude the abuse had on me. Fathers are supposed to pour in to their children with positivity. I know that there is nothing I can do about it but yes, I cry because of what I have become because of it. All I can do is try my best to move forward because we never know what lies ahead as far as life goes. You are right, I need to Cheer up but every time I'm feeling pretty cheerful, he comes up with another situation. For example, he called yesterday because he said he thought I was coming to visit. He was confused. Then he called again and started talking about he wants to come home and that his neighbor lives alone. I guess he thinks he can too but he can not. I told him he has everything he needs at the facility and he said he knows that but there is no place like home. I realize that but he can not come home. He is really good at trying to make me feel guilty. I know that this is common with aging parents.
I have definitely been a better parent to my daughter. I'm learning to ignore the things he comes up with. I have finally learned that his behavior is not my fault.
IM received. The Buckingham Palace made me giggle as well! Thanks for that lealonnie1.
I agree. I have told him many times before that he is not the only resident at the facility and they can not cater to him only. I think I cry because of the way I wish things were. I wish my relationship with him was a normal father/daughter relationship. We get along better than we used to but when he was at home, he picked arguments with me often. It is also hurts me that I know he has some of his good friends thinking that I "put him away." He has made my daughter and I look like the bad guys. He does not look at me as a daughter but as a servant. Often times when I visit, he literally wants me to do things in his room like I work there. He complains constantly and is never satisfied. I think he creates situations for me to have attend to but I have learned to just tell him to tell the staff there or I call and tell them. It seems to upset him when they quickly take care of situations and then I do not have to. I think they know how he is and I really think they try to help him so does not try to hand everything to me.
I'm just picturing my mom at Buckingham, complaining about everything and everyone. 😆
I sent you a quick IM, I forget to look sometimes. So figured I'd tell you
This makes perfect sense. It has taken me years to realize how he is and now that I know, it is easier for me to offer myself some grace because I know that I did my best to care for him despite how he treated my mom and I. It is because of his treatment of me, that I think I need to fix everything and everyone.
Perhaps if you get a long term picture of an F who had all these traits, it will help you to cope with the situation now. You “hate that he can not do the things he used to do” – but perhaps he really is doing ‘the things he used to do’. If you find you have a broader picture of these traits, it will stop you worrying so much about not being able to ‘fix it’, and you can stop crying. I hope so.
Yours, Margaret
I have told the staff that I trust their decision on whether he needs the hospital. He likes attention. He is now out of the hospital and feeling better but now he is complaining about the staff at the facility and says he liked the staff at the hospital better and he wishes he were back at the hospital. I have learned not to say anything and just listen but I have got to do better because all I do lately is cry.
My therapist said the same thing. I'm a fixer and I have just come to terms with the fact that I can not fix everything.
I agree. I guess I'm just used to doing everything. But I'm learning.
@faithbeauty,you need to give up control and give it to the facility. I think your trying to hold on to a little control. Letting go is not easy, but really feels good
I wonder if you could knock this on the head by coming to an agreement with the staff that you will accept their judgement about whether he really needs hospitalisation. And that you will accept the situation if F dies a little sooner in the unlikely case that instant symptoms aren’t faked. After all, if F had no family, the staff would have to make up their own minds, not always give in to patient whims. You might like to think about who else is involved who might need to be included in the agreement.
Clearly what is happening is silly.
I have also been working on my happy place. I agree, it does take time. I hate that I waited so long to work on finding mine. Sometimes my happy place is just watching a good movie and having a favorite snack.
I'm trying to not let anything ruin my happy place. I'm sure I'll have my share of bad days but I'm doing everything I can to keep these good days. You can do it too.
My mom's knee is bothering her a lot today, all she says is her knee hurts, then in the same sentence she says she doesn't want to go to the doctors. Which leads me to believe she does. So I'm going to have to deal with that this week.
It's very hard watching them struggle, everyday.
I just work very hard to not let my mind wonder to the what ifs, and when, where, how. Because we know they won't be here forever.
It's work for sure, but we have to put are selves before then and let those nasty thoughts go.
We deserve to be happy! Healthy, physically and Mentally!! Believe that, hold on to that.
I have found that the quicker I can get rid of those feelings of dread the easier and easier it gets.
Hugs
Might be nothing or a lot of things. Diverticvulitus, no clue it thats spelt right, but that's something that comes to mind, causes stomach pain
Sorry for the confusion. My mind has been all over the place. He did not go to the hospital but he is still saying he might have to be admitted. He told me yesterday that they have not read the X-Rays yet. He says his stomach still hurts. He said that about 4 times during the conversation. He says he has been eating but not as much. Hopefully we will know the results of the test soon. I'm not saying his stomach is not hurting but I do know he likes to get me worried so that my focus will be on him.