Asked sibs for some help, answer was NO. I did not ask for reimbursement for caregiving, but $4,000 (out of $10,000) for work I'd had done on my moms house to get it ready to sell. We would be doing these repairs now and all paying for it. I am feeling very depressed and vulnerable, being down to $3,000 in savings, plus $25,000 in credit cards. I quit my job 2 years ago to take care of my mom. I am now looking for a job but am 57 y.o so it could take awhile. While caring for my mom, I developed high blood pressure and am on medication for that. I also need to lose 30 pounds and am working on that.
My siblings in charge of my moms estate said that "everyone has pitched in for mom over the years" and so this might open up a can of worms if they pay some to me. I said, but nobody else was out of a job for 2 years and used up all their savings. I feel like I need some therapy, but it's expensive and they won't take credit cards. I just feel so depressed that my siblings, who I've always been close to, are acting as though my contribution of taking care of our mom for almost 3 years does not count for much and that they would not support me when. I am at such a low point. I fear that I will never fully trust them again. We are all inheriting about $25,000 each from our mom, so they tell me to just wait for that to get to me (could be months).
After all I did, I will have no money left after I pay off my credit cards. They will all have $25,000 from my moms estate. All I asked for was $4,000 to help me out right now (it would come out of my moms checking account so wouldn't affect the $25,000 inheritance. What do I do to get rid of this anger, hurt and resentment?? It's really eating me up and all I can think about at times.
I think this is what 97YearOldMom referred to when she suggested that the OP might consider this if she had "sufficient proof."
For a non-governmental "creditor" to file a lien against property, there has to be a basis for that property lien, whether it's based on an "account stated" situation, work done but not paid for, mortgage, etc. The parties have to have agreed that one party would pay the other party for work. And the agreement has to be documented.
If I understand the poster correctly, none of these conditions existed before the work was performed.
Therefore, I don't think either the requisite agreements of documentation were in place, and therefore there is no basis on which to file a lien against the property.
I just wanted to clarify this in the event that others might think it was an appropriate avenue to sue and get remuneration for work that hadn't been agreed to and/or documented.
my mental triggers are touchy .
And then she got dementia the house sale was not in the picture. Why? Did the house sit empty? Was it rented out? Who paid the upkeep those thee years.
Mom moved in with you. She obviously had money -- there is even some left as an inheritance. So why on earth wasn't she paying her own way? OK, you didn't want to charge her for taking care of her -- what what about room and board? What were you thinking to spend $90K of your own money over this period?
If you were thinking that your sibs were going to reimburse you for some of the costs you should have verified that and worked out the details at the beginning. To expect them to honor an agreement that was never agreed to doesn't seem appropriate to me.
If I were your sib and you'd asked me to pitch in financially my answer might very well have been, "Mom has more cash and assets than I do! Why don't we just spend her own money on her care?"
In other words, different well-meaning and sincere people can look at the same situation and come to different conclusions about what is the best way to handle it. You made your decision. Being resentful that others didn't make the same decision or didn't decide to pitch in financially is really only hurting you.
I think you've made some good and honorable decisions about caring for your mother and along with that you made some poor financial management decisions. I've made LOTS of poor financial decisions in my life. I'm not proud of them, but I don't consider them a moral failing either.
I think you need to accept the consequences of your own actions, and to not make it worse by becoming estranged from you family over it.
I'm sure there are things you could have done differently, but remember, you were up to your ass in alligators. There wasn't a lot of time or emotional energy available for strategizing. As you suck it up and move forward, give yourself a big pat on the back for doing right by your mother.
If I was 20 years younger, I would have had the energy to do manage the remodeling myself, do some of the work myself, and sell it for more than the cost of remodeling. But that ship had sailed... there are days I am too tired to replace a lightbulb :P
On average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary over those years... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into Social Security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]
They may not trust you to move out and feel they would be enabling you to remain in the house and not sell it. Try to see it from each siblings perspective. They get to decide how they spend their money just like you did. And know that you will need time to heal from the last three years and may be making decisions that aren't in your best interest long term. Get a good exercise program. Even a 30 min walk will help you think more clearly. You have to gird up and fight for your future. Once you start walking (do it today) you will increase your success with lowering your blood pressure and your weight loss. It will all start coming together fairly quick. Pray for understanding and replace the resentment with love. Shift your focus. Determine your rights. Take care of yourself and allow your siblings the right to their own feelings and decisions. I may have some of this wrong. I only have limited information but recognize that you created your situation and it wasn't all wrong. You just can't see around the corner right now. This is just a little bump in the road. You are made of strong stuff, you'll see. If you measure and weigh and record and journal you will see that you are moving forward. Stay focused. Don't forget to breath. Let us go on this journey with you. You'll be an encouragement to us all. People start over every day. The momentum of starting will carry you forward. Stop pushing against your siblings. That will keep you stuck. Invest in some good walking shoes. Your new energy will be contagious and make future employers see a woman who isn't afraid to get things done and wants to contribute. Don't doubt your higher self. Good luck and Hugs. Do it today And tomorrow And the next day.
Family dynamics like this are all too common. Family members show up a few times during a crisis, or not at all, do little to nothing to help and still inherit equally. It isn't right and it isn't fair, bit in my experience, being angry with them is pointless. You work yourself into a tizzy and they sit then and go "what's the problem?"
You COULD try a family council and show them how you spent your own money on mom's care and perhaps they'll help, but don't count on it.
And yes, I am wondering how you depleted a sizable savings and added $25K in debt in 3 years. Maybe you can share that with us...up to you.
I'd also sell the house as-is. You'll all get less of an inheritance, but it may sell faster and you can move on.
Bless you for stopping your life to care for mom. I am sorry about the siblings--you realty can't change them, and while you are consumed with anger, my bet is they are completely oblivious to how you feel.
Focus on moving forward, w/o your sibs. How can you get yourself out of the financial situation? Start with a part time job if you have to, even if it's not in your field and isn't a career position. At 57 you're still young; what did you do before you quit work to care for your mother?
I'm not glossing over the difficulties, but the more focus is given to them, the harder it is to move forward. It's like a car being stuck in the mud or on ice - wheels just keep spinning and the car doesn't go forward or backward.
You might also contact your credit card holders and see if there's any way you can negotiate a settlement to reduce the principal balance. If the $25k was accumulated in the 2 years since you've quit work, and the $90K in savings depleted, take a very critical look at your spending habits and figure out ways to change them.
If you really want to get past the anger and resentment more quickly, do some volunteer work, such as at a soup kitchen. You'll see people who are far worse off than you, and may have even less of a chance to turn their lives around.
As for fixing up your Mother's house, now a days there are Buyers who will purchase a house "as is". My parent's house is on the market using a Realtor and it is being sold "as is". Thus, don't add another dime to the house.