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I was the problem child. After many years of my mom and I getting along okay, I think she might be reverting to thinking of me as the problem child (the dementia seems to be lowering some barriers). My older brother was always the golden child, and he remains so to Mom. I usually visit Mom with my sister, who appreciates my company. I visited Mom by myself on the weekend, and she either didn't recognize me and was scared by the appearance of a "stranger" or did and thought, "cool, I can show my true feelings about you, problem child daughter."

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In my case neither of my parents ever stopped viewing me as the problem child. Ironically I was the least problematic of their children. But, yes, now that Mom is deep in dementia her views of me as the problem child, the one who is obligated to please her, has never ceased and in many way intensified.
I, personally think, being the youngest, my parents relied on me to be the one that redeemed them as parents but because I wasn't PERFECT, that made the their biggest disappointment. Not because I did anything particularly disappointing, especially compared to my siblings. But because I also never did anything SPECTACULAR that they could claim responsibility for and public acclaim for.

With Mom, largely because I was the only if the 3 who stood up and took charge of what happens next with Mom. And honestly sometimes I think they had it right. To wash their hands of it and let the facility handle her as they would anyone without a "caregiver" or family member to call in.
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Interesting to see this post pop up again. As many of you know, my mom died this summer. A few days before her death, when mom was declining but hospice staff hadn't said, "come today or tomorrow if you want to see your mom while she's alive," my sister said something to me with the goal of getting it off her chest. I won't go into the details of what sister said. I can tell you the effect on me: It reminded me that I was not as close to mom as sister was and conveyed to me that not only was I the problem child but also everyone else in the family was perfect and did not contribute to my problems. I was devastated; my memories of a recent event (a family celebration) were tarnished, and my final time with my mom was ruined.
I haven't told sister how I feel. She and the rest of the family still seem to think mom and they were perfect and I'm the problem.
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My parents did not like me,dad is in care now and we seem to be ok. I dont hold the past at all,it's been let go so we both have peace. It was the best thing to do,we are both happy.
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I like you talked about filters. My mothers filter is turned off a lot.
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My mom’s favorite was my brother although he was the problem child. I was the older one, my dad’s favorite, and I was the good student who played by the rules throughout my life. My dad died first followed a year later by my brother. She used to call him every day - drove him crazy - and happily gave him money and indulged his bad habits. He wasn’t good in school, smoked a lot of pot, was resentful, and didn’t get serious about a job until his 30s, died late 40s with no close friends or kids. Needless to say, it isn’t great for me. Even though I’ve been doing literally everything to manage her life for over 6 years, she only calls if she needs something, acts irritated when I call her, and rarely asks me how I’m doing or offers to help with or pay for anything. I was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and she’s maybe asked me how that’s going twice? She’s much happier when my husband visits in my place, asks how his brothers are doing but almost never asks how our kids are doing? She also manipulates him, treats him like an errand boy, if I’m not there. There’s definitely gender issues involved.
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My mother didn’t like me much at the end of her life. She did not have dementia . She seemed to think I was going to swindle the family out of their share of the family home. She referred to me as “That one over there”. I limited my alone time with her.

Glad those days dealing with her are over. I don’t miss her.
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If she does not remember who you are you are free to stop visiting period. Make sure her needs are met, but you do not have to put yourself in the position to get hurt again.
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Thank you, lealonnie1.
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Rose, I wouldn't dwell on that issue with you feeding mom at all. I'm sure she was scared, that's all. As far as the males go, our mother's generation worshipped men. Period. Men were "better" than women, that's how they were taught, so males in the family were always "golden". My mother worshipped my son and her nephew, neither which did a damn thing for her 😑
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Thank you for the responses. I have adjusted to my status as not-the-favorite child (I had the lightbulb moment when I was 17; now I'm 64). However, it was rough when I was visiting Mom by myself and she accused me of trying to hurt her. She asked me to feed her, I fed her a few bites successfully, and on the third or fourth she looked alarmed and said, "Why are you pushing down on my lip?" I know that this was dementia speaking (she had forgotten what a fork approaching her mouth signified), but it hurt nonetheless.
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You can't know the correct answer so why spend any time circling the drain on this issue? I know it feels awful but there's never going to be discussion or healing unless you choose to move on. We can't choose our relatives but we can choose how much or little we interact with them. I'm sorry for how your relationship is with her. Forgive her and go on living a spiritually healthy and peaceful life.

P.S. My eldest was such a problem that we signed over guardianship of him to the director of a behavioral ranch program for 5 months when he was 15. It was a long 15+ years with him but he righted himself and now is a good man, partner, employer and son. However, his guilt of those years are just below his surface and it pains me and his Dad because we are very careful to never look back or dwell on them. I pray I never revert to remembering those times in our relationship. Dementia makes the sufferer say all sorts of awful and often untrue things. Choose to believe it's not real feelings so that the rest of your time together can be as good as it gets.
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I never visited my mother alone. The one time I did, she was horrible. Told me a story about my father she'd been bursting at the seams to tell me for years, apparently, but she'd had filters in place before the dementia set in. She was trying to pit me against a dead man and make me hate him.

My husband was furious. I never went back to see her alone again because she always managed to remain more civilized when someone else was present. I was an only child who never lived up to her expectations, so.....when she was cruel and ugly I never knew if it was her true feelings coming out or the dementia talking. In the end, it doesn't matter. I was disappointed in her as a mother too.

Don't go see mother alone. It's not worth the potential heartache.
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