Steph here again, for those of you who don't know. My new husband and I just moved into his 91-year-old grandma's house so we can provide care for her. My husband's uncle was previously living with her, but he is now in a hospice situation and isn't doing well. He was verbally and mentally abusive to Grandma, so it sounds cruel, but I'm glad he's out of the picture. It's difficult because she asks about him a lot, but I always seem to know what to say to ease her mind, at least for a little while. Yes, I'm new to the caregiver thing and I am stunned that so many people told me not to do it. Yes, we're being smart and responsible with everything, we have a lawyer and we have a caregiver agreement signed. We're going to be paid for the care we give her, so relax everyone! Lol. Grandma is doing great and loves having our company. We think she's in the early stages of dementia, because she knows who we are, but she just always asks the same questions over and over. She's a peach and a real joy to be around. She gets up at 8am every morning, puts half a bagel in the toaster oven and makes herself instant coffee. I bring her her pills. She's really easy and usually doesn't need or want company or help until around noon. Even then, all I do is check her blood sugar, if it's too high I give her insulin, then I sit with her for a couple hours and she repeats old stories to me like she's never told them before, I love it. She's able to make her own food, use the toilet on her own and everything. I'm mostly there to keep her company and make sure she doesn't wander or get too confused. She goes to bed around 8 pm and with my husband and I living in her basement, we can hear every creak in the floor above us. I love my new role, I feel like I've found a new sense of selflessness and commitment and I couldn't be more thrilled to help our grandma live as happy and healthy as possible in her final years. Shame on all you naysayers!
HOWEVER, when I read the tagline, about negative comments, though, I have to say I do agree to an extent. I have read some really bitchy, rude, passive -aggressive posts on this site directed at OPs. I think we are all here for nonjudgmental support and most of us are honestly trying to do the best we can with what we've got. There's no need for some of the cattiness I see on some threads.
I actually don't know why you posyed the question since you already planned, already caregiving and living in your husband grandma's basement. If you were looking for fake high fives, I don't know why?
An experience is what it is, subjective and personal. Saying something is negative is a good way to deny something exist. We were only trying to help by not sugar-coating our experiences. This is what I like about this forum, it's raw and not a cover-up, nobody is perfect -- we all are dealing with our own issues. This is in the trenches sort of stuff - a war with casualties and survivors with survivor guilt, PTSD, sickness, anxiety problems or even death for the caregivers. This is no joking matter, this is serious stuff... you seem to have everything under control, just keep planning and preparing. You have time so that is the good thing.
I hope the caregiver agreement includes gma paying into social security so you don't lose out on your contributions
Totally out of the blue this happened.
You just move forward. She didn't realize what she had done, of course.
Then she began swearing like a sailor- that lasted until the time she passed.
I am hoping your caregiving journey is smooth sailing but realize you may have periods where the waves almost take down the ship.
I hate to say it, but this IS the honeymoon stage of life with Grandma, as she begins her journey down the rabbit hole.
Eventually, those same stories she's ALREADY told you several times over, will have you pulling your hair out! What is sweet and amusing now, will become your biggest irritant, and so on, and so on.
Having had my (NOW 87) FIL in my home for the past 13+ years, and yes, before I became aware of his Narcissism, it was all peaches and sunshine! I was also still working outside the home, having a social life, and had been with my spouse for 20 years, had raised our 4 kids to adulthood, and so had a much bigger foundation under us, but things have changed DRASTICALLY, and will for you too! I just hope that after reading all of the responses to your 2 different posts, you have opened your eyes to the potential possibilities down the road, and are better equipped to make good decisions for you, your Grandma, and your marriage, when/if the times comes.
Please don't negate what everyone here has tried to tell you, based on their long term experiences, as it is real, painful, and life changing!
Getting the heads up, on what life is likely to become in the future, is a good thing, and gives you food for thought on how to manage her in the here and now, and the future. Good luck!
There is no question, that many find the caregiving role incredibly satisfying at times, but in the long run, it is incredibly difficult, and as part of the majority her, I would hate to see you in so deep with it and so very difficult to get out of, if you had any other viable options from the start.
But clearly you are ready to take on this task, and I wish you well! Please do come back for support and friendship, as it does get lonely, this caregiving role you have taken on. We are a special breed!
Well, cabin is done, he knows it, and is ready to come back home to it!
When I first started posting about this I had numerous comments telling me to absolutely not let him come back. My first reaction to some of the comments, I have to admit, kind of hurt my feelings and surprised me with WHAT ALL "the filling in the blanks actually mean"!!! Oh boy, were they right!!! I thought maybe my dad is different, he won't decline, I can do this. All the changes are only starting with my dad!!
Everyone here has helped me and guided me so much!
Wishing we never rebuilt his little home and trying to avoid the subject of moving back...... his friends bring him home to visit the cabin to see the progress and I think it makes it worse for him.
Just want to say that this community of friends here really know what they're talking about!!!!!!!!! I will be forever grateful to ALL of them, they are my rock and support and always someone is here to listen to me vent or tell me like it IS and IS going to be!
Good luck and enjoy these precious moments you have with your grandma, I do really hope she stays peachy for you, please keep us updated.
💜Bella
Some of us on the forums are senior citizens ourselves who are/were taking care of our own parents who were in their 80's and 90's. Believe me it was quite a surprise as I was aging myself that I was having my own age decline. I was in my late 60's and now am 70.
I never thought I would face age decline like I did. It would take me twice as long to do something that I could have easily done quickly when in my 30's and 40's. And lack of sleep hits us senior aged caregivers much harder than a younger person.... it takes days to recover :P Now I know why my parents were napping so much... I am doing the same now.
As for paid outside the house employment, you would still have a chance to get back into the market and find a good job. I know for myself, I thought I would be helping my own folks for a couple of years.... NOT.... I've read where some senior caregivers were doing this hands-on caregiving for over a decade. Forget finding employment later on for those who are seniors themselves... jobs are really far and few between, plus so many of us hadn't been able to keep up with new technology.... [sigh].
I remember when I first came on the forum a few years back, someone had written that I was now too old to be a caregiver.... really? Boy, that person was sooooo right. If only I had listened, and realized the more I enabled my parents to remain in their home, that it was only going to hurt my own physical and emotional health... and it did.
"Do I sound like a selfish brat? I'm quitting my full-time job so I can provide her with 24/7 care and I really feel like this will take a huge toll on my personal life and even my marriage. Any advice is appreciated!"
You were concerned that caregiving would take a huge toll on your personal life and even your marriage. So that is the advice and warnings you received, Stephanitely.
Now, please take that unappreciative finger of shame and point it back to you.
The big thing is people do need to vent and this is a good place to do that because many of us can relate.
As for me, I'm happy to do what I do even though there's many days when I'd love to just get in the car and drive away. That doesn't make me a bad preso., it just makes me human. Fyi I never did leave.
Im happy to do what I'm doing as long as I can and I try to not let the negativity get to me and that includes my own negativity, and that's something I thing every cargiv
The big thing is people do need to vent and this is a good place to do that because many of us can relate.
I try to avoid the negative people because they will pull ya down and it's already hard to keep spirits up.
So, stay positive as long as you can and enjoy the time as much and as long as you can because it can get harder.
I know I had sticker shock when it was time to place my parents in senior care. Glad I was fugal all my life. And glad my parents were fugal, too.
Many of us here gave up full-time employment, thus losing out on years of fully time salary... company sponsored health insurance... company sponsored life insurance... matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp.... paid vacation days... paid sick days.... tuition reimbursements... higher amounts being placed in Social Security and in Medicare. Those item could be equal in monetary value to your salary, thus it is like losing two salaries.
Oh, I just remembered one thing, your hubby's Grandmother would need to have a "workman comp" rider on her homeowner's insurance, just in case you get hurt on the job. You are now an "employee" and most homeowner's insurance doesn't cover that.
Your post above went unread and unacknowledged.
You said:
"I'm just starting to go through what my sweet Moma went through and I'm scared to death because I know what to expect even though I know I won't know what's coming. So they say............."
Sandy,
There is way more to your post than meets the eye. So I want to welcome you to the forum. I want you to try to ask your own question so people can easily follow your progress. You are someone who is going to need a few supportive friends, imo.
I will be looking out for you, and want you to know:
IT IS NOT OVER YET.
You make a good point, since the OP has moved on to other posts. And what is happening now is a new poster will be trapped and ignored here, needs to ask her own question so others on the forum may try to help her.
Then I start taking care of my father about that time. A different story. He doesn't want a caregiver so I take care of him. He is able to do some things by himself, thank G-d. But needs help with some things. He has a temper and is depressed that he can't drive to places like he use to. So I try to take him places sometimes. There are good days and challenging days. I try to make time for myself and my husband.
Make sure that you are your husband make time for each other, in order to keep your marriage healthy. May you and your family be healthy and happy