Yes. I know we need to try and care for ourselves since we are the caregivers but does anyone else get upset when people, most of whom have NEVER cared for another adult, preaches to you about taking care of yourself ...”oh you just need to take some time away ... an hour here or there to take care of you...” YET never offer to come sit with her so you CAN do these things?
They make these comments safely from a far KNOWING that you have no one to help you.
My time away right now is when I get to go to Walmart ... whoo hoo ... and then I’m trying to make money stretch and do so quickly so I can get back home.
I CAN get a stranger to come in ... a volunteer... if I plan ahead BUT unless I pay someone money we do not have I can not get someone qualified and bonded.
Just wondering if I’m just getting old and bitter or if others feel that way when people make these type of comments yet offer no help what so ever.
I have recently retired and now help my sister take care of our mom (we all live in the same house) and even sharing this responsibility, I find it very challenging. I will describe this to friends and get that same advice. Only the ones who have been in the same position have offered practical suggestions. Stick with the people who have something to share with you that is useful and just ignore the rest. All the best to you!
I turned to in home caregivers. Reliable and I have the added bonus of spending the inheritance of the selfish family members of those who won’t help. I was angry and bitter until I began to think like that.
My break time is in the bathroom when I can do a Sudoku puzzle or 3. I sit down in front of my computer and maybe get through 3 or 4 emails and I hear her knocking on the wall.( our signal that she needs help).
My favorite one is when someone sees that I am tired and say " why don't you just take a nap?" Yea right! That's when the mess hits the fan.
I could sit and write a 300 page letter sounding off about this, but it would do no good.
Just remember:
There is no such thing as a bad day, bad things can happen during your day, but don't let them make the whole day bad.
I believe you are new to the forum? I am only here myself since March. But some are here for literally years now. In fact some were caring for a wife or husband who has passed, or a parent, and remain here only to help others with what they have learned. Some work in legal offices. Some do Estate Settlement. Social workers, Nurses (OLD nurses--that's me), facility workers, CNAs. There are even a few Lawyers. And just about every other type of person you can imagine, not only from the states but from around the world.
No one suggested that you should place your Mom, though certainly many have been forced finally after many years, to do that. And there are some few now--three I can think of, who at least weekly make long posts absolutely full of unsolvable pain.
People are overall so kind here. Once I was UNKIND, and wow, was I taken quickly to task on the private message board. I almost left with tail tucked between my legs, but I like to talk too much...............so.................
Please do stick around for a while. There is so much to share openly with one another about pain. Sometimes even a joke or a recipe thrown in. We do get to "know" one another. I think it is a great support.
I can only hope you will stick around. I see all sort of comment below that indicate we DO know how hard it is to see platitudes when what you need is someone to make you a casserole.
As to placing or not placing an elder, we each must make our own decision on that. I am late 70s now so no way up to it, but I will admit I would not have been up to it my youngest strongest day on this earth. I don't have it in me. I might wish I were a better person, but I am not, and I know my limitations. We each must assess for ourselves what we can do. No one here will judge your decision either way, though you may occ. hear a bit of advice more blunt than you would like.
Hope you stay. Will say no more.
In your profile you wrote you're mentally and physically exhausted. One person mentioned a care facility and two others mentioned other arrangements. You're desperate for some relief and posters are just trying to support and help you.
I hope you're able to find people who'll give you the help and respite you need.
They are just words that people say thinking it will help you in some way.. hollow words. The best thing they can say is.. you need to take time for yourself.. let me know and I will come and sit with your mom so you can get out... in our dreams anyway.
There are lots of posters here with different perspectives... but always lots of support as well. .. hope you stick around.
my mistake thinking this was a place
to just ask if it bugs people when they say that ... there is absolutely no reason for my mother to be left to die in a nursing home.
My comment was about the people that constantly remind you to care for yourself but make no effort to help you do that. Maybe no one else gets that but me.
Not sure how everyone gets me being “so angry” from text ... but hey I know not to ask questions.
I would NEVER not care for her because I don’t get a break ... but I will stop talking to friends and family who keep pushing me but do nothing just thought it was a common thing in caregiving and thought just getting it out here was a safe thing to do... again my mistake.
Have a nice life guys .... such quick judgements aren’t going to get any of us very far.
If you're now at your limit, make some permanent changes. There may be hard choices (& maybe some people will be ticked off at you.)
But it doesn't make you a failure for realizing that things have become too much. Get control of your emotions first, & things will go easier during the changes.
What is often really needed is to change the living arrangements so that the elder is no longer living with the caregiver.
I was near emotional and physical collapse - and if one more person told me to go get my nails done I likely would have assaulted them! As if a manicure could possibly have made the slightest bit of difference in the anguish and desperation I was feeling.
I mean - SERIOUSLY?!?
"Now, what are you doing for YOU? What plans do you have for making YOUR life better"
I figured if someone said that to me at that particular time I would happily throttle them, hee hee.
I know. People don't know what to say, so they say something. But you are correct, they are not there to sit with your elder for four hours. Likely you would worry the entire four hours, but it would be worth a try, huh?
Here is another pat phrase for you: from me: "I am so sorry it is such tough times right now." I mean. We try.