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My husband and I are caring for my 84 year old narcissistic mother with terminal bladder cancer and cognitive decline, who now lives with my husband and I.
She is hypercritical (has always been), never really cares if she hurts someone else's feelings, in fact she doesn't understand it when she hurts someone's feelings. Asks what's your/their problem...
It's hard to stay compassionate and empathetic with someone like this even though you know they're dying.
I know things will never change as far as her personality and our relationship but can anyone share how they deal with this?

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I have to ask why you would even consider having your narcissistic mom move in with you knowing how she is? Surely there were many other good options that didn't involve her moving in with you right?
Well the good thing here is that she still has those other "good options" including moving into a nursing facility available, where she'll be looked after and you can get back to just being her caring daughter and not have to put up with her nonsense. And you can leave when she starts to get on your nerves, and go home to peace.
That sounds like a win win to me...how about you?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to funkygrandma59
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You spend less time with her. Create a little more separation. And continue to remind yourself that the hurtful things she says are not real! By all means, do not attempt to engage with her to reply, explain, defend, or argue with her. It will only frustrate you more and get her more agitated and ugly. Learn to "let it go". And remove yourself from her space when she makes you uncomfortable. No explanation needed, simply turn and walk away. She may eventually become conditioned to see that her unpleasant behavior has a negative consequence.
She may not. A narcissist with cognitive decline, who is dying, and probably uncomfortable, will probably complain loudly until her last breath.
This is not the time to "heal" your relationship with her or expect any meaningful kindness from her.

Remember that it is ok to let her spend her remaining days in a skilled nursing facility when you can no longer manage her care in your home. It is not a prison. It is like a hospital with lots of trained staff totally devoted to meeting the needs of their residents. Some can even be quite pleasant and attractive like a luxury resort. Check out a few in your area so you know what your options are. An admissions director will gladly give you a tour and answer questions.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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If you don’t already have help, please get it and don’t attempt this on your own. I have a sibling with lifelong undiagnosed mental illness that some in the family believe narcissism is part of the issues. Though I care about him, I also know there’s no way I could be his caregiver. He’s far too demanding, mean, and just cruel. If mom doesn’t have hospice help, please add that. The hospice agency my dad used maintained a list of people, not employees, but mostly CNA’s looking for extra work. I hired several, they were great help to give me a break. You need regular breaks. It may also help to shift your thinking away from her being your mother and view her as just a fellow human in need. Obviously that’s tough, but it’s helped me, just to take away the connection and treat someone with the compassion and kindness any human might need. I’m sorry you’re in this tough spot, don’t hesitate to change the plan of it gets overwhelming. Protecting yourself is always wise. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Look into a LTC facility that also offers hospice. You've done more than you ever needed or should have done for her. Now you need to let professionals provide her care and you can visit and leave as much or little as you want. And, for your husband's sake, she should be moved elsewhere.

FYI if your Mother doesn't have resources to pay for facility care, look for one that is good but also had Medicaid beds. Have her begin on private pay and then when her resources are reduced enough, apply for Medicaid. She needs to qualify both medically and financially. With terminal cancer she should surely qualify medically. Be sure to research how Medicaid works in your home state so that you manage her affairs in a way that won't delay or disqualify her. Please never attept to pay for her care yourself.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Its called the "grey rock method". You pretty much ignore them. Not sure if it works with someone with cognitive decline though. Hire someone to watch her and get out of the house for a while.

Do you have Hospice in yet? You may want to consider it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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