My husband and I are caring for my 84 year old narcissistic mother with terminal bladder cancer and cognitive decline, who now lives with my husband and I.
She is hypercritical (has always been), never really cares if she hurts someone else's feelings, in fact she doesn't understand it when she hurts someone's feelings. Asks what's your/their problem...
It's hard to stay compassionate and empathetic with someone like this even though you know they're dying.
I know things will never change as far as her personality and our relationship but can anyone share how they deal with this?
Well the good thing here is that she still has those other "good options" including moving into a nursing facility available, where she'll be looked after and you can get back to just being her caring daughter and not have to put up with her nonsense. And you can leave when she starts to get on your nerves, and go home to peace.
That sounds like a win win to me...how about you?
She may not. A narcissist with cognitive decline, who is dying, and probably uncomfortable, will probably complain loudly until her last breath.
This is not the time to "heal" your relationship with her or expect any meaningful kindness from her.
Remember that it is ok to let her spend her remaining days in a skilled nursing facility when you can no longer manage her care in your home. It is not a prison. It is like a hospital with lots of trained staff totally devoted to meeting the needs of their residents. Some can even be quite pleasant and attractive like a luxury resort. Check out a few in your area so you know what your options are. An admissions director will gladly give you a tour and answer questions.
FYI if your Mother doesn't have resources to pay for facility care, look for one that is good but also had Medicaid beds. Have her begin on private pay and then when her resources are reduced enough, apply for Medicaid. She needs to qualify both medically and financially. With terminal cancer she should surely qualify medically. Be sure to research how Medicaid works in your home state so that you manage her affairs in a way that won't delay or disqualify her. Please never attept to pay for her care yourself.
Do you have Hospice in yet? You may want to consider it.