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I live a comfortable distance from my parents' small farm surrounded by land that they own, so the aging stage is sort of 'call (me/us) if you need anything' and much denial on their part as they lose their mental and physical powers. We respect their space, but seeing more and more confusion/arguing/accidents (minor). My mid-70's mother is entering her 'party animal' phase. Dad gives her free reign and does not have the will to fight her on it. She is very cruel to anyone who gets in the way of what she wants. I work in community, and this week a local came to me and remarked that she was out two nights in a row at local bars dancing and drinking the night away. He was chuckling about it (she's very cheeky and funny in this mode) but I find it very serious and unfunny--she has significant health issues, poor vision. She takes meds to pull this stuff off, and she's adding alcohol to whatever meds she takes for daily pain management. She is also driving dark country miles to do this. My dad seems to have minimized the habit for my benefit (and to protect her)? So, I was under the impression it was once every other weekend. No. The Party Girl is doing back to back late nights and I'm sensing that my Dad is just relieved she's happy and occupied. During the days, she will whine about not having energy or stamina to keep up their home and property. My question is how to track this respectfully, frame it up emotionally so I do not lose even more sleep, and how to brace for the fallout that seems to be looming. I see so much physical and mental drop-off, each of them diving into their compulsive habits of choice to cope (both seem to need to physically exert themselves past the point of fatigue, then drag along, rinse and repeat)...I know this is not an overt problem yet but all the markers are there for future trouble. Mother has stretches of weekdays where she is bedbound or cannot stand up straight for very long. She stoops a lot through the week, is either overcleaning, out shopping (another compulsive activity), or sleeping, then magically she is out doing her thing on weekends with fresh energy and good posture. They have the resources to do this as long as they care to or until something stops them. Very stressful. Anyone else dealing with "free range" behaviors that seem like an omen? She stays FAR away from appropriate social outlets for "old people."
Mom does sound like she's having manic episodes. Could be bipolar or the borderline you already suspect. And your dad chose her so he's probably got some personality disordered tendencies to match hers.
I'm not clear on why everyone is telling you her driving is your responsibility. She's got drug and alcohol problems along with mental illness, none of which give you the legal right to vandalize or steal her vehicles. Do check in with the local cops and find out what they suggest. If you let them know when she's out and where they absolutely can pull her over once she gets behind the wheel loaded. If she loses her license then the cops can be called any time she leaves in the car, if they're available and willing. Your dad is going to be no help, again he chose her and chose to stay.
Do read up on boundaries, do get therapy or some kind of help to understand what's called the "three C's". You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Well, I'm glad your mother is enjoying this time of her life. But, the responsibility rests on you to STOP her from driving! Yikes! Please, take away their keys, take away the vehicles, or disable the vehicles they have. Set her up with an Uber or Lyft account so she doesn't lose her freedom, but driving under these conditions is dangerous not only for her, but anyone in her path!
Is this new behavior for her? Or was she always seeking a party and social activity? If it is a new behavior, it could indicate a form of dementia and she could be totally unaware of her abilities or inabilities.
My 85 yr old dad has a wife who is 20 years younger. She needs a social activity EVERY NIGHT! She finds every party, dinner out with friends, concerts, Thirsty Thursday, events at a local bar or the country club they belong to,..... That's not for me, but I guess some people just don't like to sit still and need to go out. Of course, he loves tagging along with her to most of these things. It makes him feel young and hip. I'm just glad he has a young, healthy wife to take care of him, so I don't have to worry about him.
Thank you. Part of me is glad for her but having to sort out the red and orange flags, ugh. Yes, the same "I just can't sit around/need to go out" factor here. Glad your Dad has a vivacious gal around, that would be a relief to me as well. And like you, it isn't my preferred lifestyle. Something about the weeklong blues bookended with the party life is really frustrating as well as my dad minimizing the frequency.
The problem I see here is mother driving while impaired on pain meds and alcohol. Whomever is her POA should prevent her from this "party animal" behavior by disabling her car before she kills herself or innocent people, God forbid.
THANK you. This is what I'm losing my s*** and sleep over. *Other* people who could be harmed because she is having a second adolescence. I work with and for vulnerable populations and it just makes me sick to consider her carelessness. FWIW, I am the POA after my dad. Being wealthy has buffered them from consequences forever. She is a terrible driver to start with, so they just buy fancier cars with more 'safety' features and a higher seat for her. Like its always the fault of the car. Another thing is that she has a 'partner in crime' who she hangs out with who has little to lose, and spurs her on. My dad's jokes about it all are falling flat. Next time it comes up I need to state my disapproval, even though in our family that means I will be the 'turd in the punch bowl'.
Your Dad is a full grown man. Him not wanting to deal with it is going to impact HIM the most. When they call you to help, you politely remind them that they had the energy to do all sorts of OTHER things except the important ones. Tell them you aren't going to be their Rescuer or back-up plan. Then hang up.
At the end of the day, unless you are their PoA, you have no control over this situation. You can let them know that "someone" may start reporting them to APS if they let their home and health become neglected so that they can party. It is NOT your responsibility to keep up the farm, unless this is also about inheritance. I'm not going to judge that, but money -- or the hopes of an inheritnace -- can cause family to make some pretty poor care decisions.
Tell them they have enough funds to hire help to get things done. And do not offer to manage this for them, either. They are either willing and able to do what it takes to age in place a little longer without assuming others into this orbit, or they aren't.
Tell them that if they continue to call you for help you will assume that the farmstead is too much work for them, and for you, and that maybe they need to consider downsizing and moving somewhere manageable.
Don't pander to your Dad being a passive-aggressive ManBaby. Most importantly *you* need to decide your boundaries with this situation. You aren't responsible for their lifestyles and happiness. If you aren't their PoA, or they don't have one at all, please inform your parents that this puts them at much higher risk of needing a court-appointed legal guardian who will then be making ALL the financial and medical decisions for them and family will not have much say. Maybe this will wake up your Dad. But only if you don't confuse them because you're unsure of your boundaries.
Read Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries" or talk to a therapist to figure out what they should be.
This is so appreciated, thank you. Very grounding. Mom comes from extreme abuse/adversity which she chose to pass on to us instead of deal with. No dx. Refused to be evaluated even after head trauma, but she presents many BPD and NPD traits. She 'married well' and my stepfather (the ManBaby) always adored her childishness and vanity. But, over time this has made her a nightmare for all of us. I am the 'runner-up' POA after him, according to their records.
My sibling and I have lowered all expectations re: inheritance. The in-joke is that anything they do not burn through will be left to domestic animals lol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I'm not clear on why everyone is telling you her driving is your responsibility. She's got drug and alcohol problems along with mental illness, none of which give you the legal right to vandalize or steal her vehicles. Do check in with the local cops and find out what they suggest. If you let them know when she's out and where they absolutely can pull her over once she gets behind the wheel loaded. If she loses her license then the cops can be called any time she leaves in the car, if they're available and willing. Your dad is going to be no help, again he chose her and chose to stay.
Do read up on boundaries, do get therapy or some kind of help to understand what's called the "three C's". You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
But, the responsibility rests on you to STOP her from driving! Yikes!
Please, take away their keys, take away the vehicles, or disable the vehicles they have. Set her up with an Uber or Lyft account so she doesn't lose her freedom, but driving under these conditions is dangerous not only for her, but anyone in her path!
Is this new behavior for her? Or was she always seeking a party and social activity? If it is a new behavior, it could indicate a form of dementia and she could be totally unaware of her abilities or inabilities.
My 85 yr old dad has a wife who is 20 years younger. She needs a social activity EVERY NIGHT! She finds every party, dinner out with friends, concerts, Thirsty Thursday, events at a local bar or the country club they belong to,.....
That's not for me, but I guess some people just don't like to sit still and need to go out. Of course, he loves tagging along with her to most of these things. It makes him feel young and hip.
I'm just glad he has a young, healthy wife to take care of him, so I don't have to worry about him.
Being wealthy has buffered them from consequences forever. She is a terrible driver to start with, so they just buy fancier cars with more 'safety' features and a higher seat for her. Like its always the fault of the car. Another thing is that she has a 'partner in crime' who she hangs out with who has little to lose, and spurs her on. My dad's jokes about it all are falling flat. Next time it comes up I need to state my disapproval, even though in our family that means I will be the 'turd in the punch bowl'.
Your Dad is a full grown man. Him not wanting to deal with it is going to impact HIM the most. When they call you to help, you politely remind them that they had the energy to do all sorts of OTHER things except the important ones. Tell them you aren't going to be their Rescuer or back-up plan. Then hang up.
At the end of the day, unless you are their PoA, you have no control over this situation. You can let them know that "someone" may start reporting them to APS if they let their home and health become neglected so that they can party. It is NOT your responsibility to keep up the farm, unless this is also about inheritance. I'm not going to judge that, but money -- or the hopes of an inheritnace -- can cause family to make some pretty poor care decisions.
Tell them they have enough funds to hire help to get things done. And do not offer to manage this for them, either. They are either willing and able to do what it takes to age in place a little longer without assuming others into this orbit, or they aren't.
Tell them that if they continue to call you for help you will assume that the farmstead is too much work for them, and for you, and that maybe they need to consider downsizing and moving somewhere manageable.
Don't pander to your Dad being a passive-aggressive ManBaby. Most importantly *you* need to decide your boundaries with this situation. You aren't responsible for their lifestyles and happiness. If you aren't their PoA, or they don't have one at all, please inform your parents that this puts them at much higher risk of needing a court-appointed legal guardian who will then be making ALL the financial and medical decisions for them and family will not have much say. Maybe this will wake up your Dad. But only if you don't confuse them because you're unsure of your boundaries.
Read Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries" or talk to a therapist to figure out what they should be.
She 'married well' and my stepfather (the ManBaby) always adored her childishness and vanity. But, over time this has made her a nightmare for all of us. I am the 'runner-up' POA after him, according to their records.
My sibling and I have lowered all expectations re: inheritance. The in-joke is that anything they do not burn through will be left to domestic animals lol