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Something I've noticed after speaking with hundreds of families caring for aging parents - the adult child who lives farthest away worries the most. Distance turns ordinary concern into constant low-grade anxiety. Has anyone else experienced this?
Obviously you speak to far away adult children who care about their parents for you to come up with this idea . The ones that don’t worry aren’t coming to you or your business , so your assessment is skewed . The responses here mostly let you know that many far away siblings are not involved or worried.
I had a different experience from others who live close. I live in another state from my aunt. My cousins live in the same state as my aunt. They were taking a passive aggressive stance with me because I live out of state. I would come when I could, but they acted like I what I did was nothing and what I was doing, they criticized. Let's not mention that they were the closest, (literally 55 minutes away to my 3-4 hours away) and they were trying to dump aunt on me. They were trying to make it my problem, while they skate off on to their lives. I asked for a family meeting, and they did not want any part of it. It was just, "you take this on and leave us out of it". While I wanted to help and I was, physically and financially, and mentally, I realized what they were trying to pull, and yes, I backed out. These cousins didn't want to all come together and help. All they were doing were barking orders at me. Back seat drivers, if you will. They called themselves helping by pulling me. They just wanted me to take on all of the burden, and that just did not sit right with me.
Distance does not cause anxiety unless the parent has no one near them willing to help . The far away sibling knows the capable and willing sibling with proximity has all the worry , and the far away people live their lives . My sister used to tell me she was glad it was me stuck with the mess and not her and literally laugh and then tell me about her latest cruise. I don’t understand what kind of metrics you use to measure who worries more but it’s not accurate.
Sorry but I’m calling BS on this. If they were that worried they would be more involved. My siblings couldn’t care less until I started spending Mom’s money on Assisted Living. I wouldn’t call that worry.
The siblings also weren’t the ones worrying the phone would ring in the middle of the night that a parent needed to go to the hospital AGAIN . I had high anxiety for years . The person doing the work has the most worries and life interruptions. My siblings’ lives were not affected . The siblings were not taking days off from work to take Dad to chemo . My retired siblings were cruising .
What you're describing isn't really about worry at all, it's about abandonment. And that's a completely different and far more painful thing. Siblings who showed up only when money was involved, who kept cruising while you took days off for chemo appointments, who left you with the 3am phone calls for years, that's not a difference of worry levels. That's a fundamental failure of family responsibility that fell entirely on you. You're absolutely right that the person doing the work carries something the distant ones never will. The anxiety you're describing, years of it, waiting for that phone call, that lives in your body in a way that no amount of retrospective worrying from a sibling could ever equal. I hear you. And I'm sorry you carried that all alone, but still you did all this and that deserves utmost respect and recognition.
The OP is here to promote her company, which people can hire to call their parents for them on a schedule. Nothing wrong with such a service, I'm sure it's beneficial. But marketing is not the point of this forum.
I appreciate you sharing your perspective. For clarity, I haven't marketed anything in this thread or anywhere on this forum. My company is listed in my profile the same way many members mention their professions, blogs, and affiliations. Everything I've posted here has been purely to help and is based on my experiences and knowledge I gathered over the past few years.
That's not fair to the children who live close by or with the parents and are doing the actual work. Looking at your profile, you have a product that is geared for distant, not-hands-on adult children, so I would say your perspective is skewed by that.
I know my siblings didn’t lie awake at night , but I did . I think your thread is meant to drum up your business . When in fact what you mostly did was annoy the actual burned out caregivers . Good job . The mistake you made was saying that the far away sibling worries more . That is so far from the truth if they aren’t taking on responsibility . Now if they are long distance managing a parents care and there is no other family or friend to drop by and check and report to the far away person who has taken on the responsibility that is different .
Saw your about me. Hats off to you. The every-other-month trips across the country, that level of commitment says everything about the kind of person you are. And losing your mom while your dad is still there needing you, that's such a particular kind of grief that doesn't get talked about enough. I hope you're taking care of yourself too in all of this. Keep it up. 💙
My 3 cousins were in charge of caring for their elderly parents. One moved away so he didn't have a thing to worry about. The 2 living nearby did all the boots on the ground work AND all the worrying. Sounds like you're speaking to people who want you to THINK they do all the worrying while others do all the caregiving.
I think you're totally right here. Been seeing a lot of guilty people recently, I guess lol. But still, they have some sort of grief there, as why would they feel guilty if they don't worry about their loved ones.
I haven't. I have three siblings. Two of my siblings and I live in the same state as our mom, who is now 97 1/2 years old and lives in a memory care assisted-living facility. The sibling who lives far away (my younger brother) worries the least. The sibling who lives closest to mom (my sister) worries the most. My older brother and I live about the same distance from mom. I see her frequently, and I don't worry much about her. My older brother used to seem to worry about mom sometimes, but that has gone by the wayside as he and his wife have tried to distance themselves, physically and emotionally, from mom and the rest of the family.
I would think it would be the complete opposite as often being out of sight means out of mind. And the child or children who are actually the hands on caregivers if they so opt to be, are under way more stress and have many more worries than one who isn't doing the actual caregiving because of distance. Why in the world would the one living farther away have the most worries as they have the easy job of just checking on their parent whenever they feel like it? I'm confused.
I moved to the Bay Area in 2013. My sister told me that at a family gathering shortly after I left someone asked my mother if she missed me. According to my sister she said “out of sight, out of mind”. Kind of cold hearted but I’m sure that is exactly what she said because she had a very cold heart and never did wax sentimental.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The ones that don’t worry aren’t coming to you or your business , so your assessment is skewed .
The responses here mostly let you know that many far away siblings are not involved or worried.
I live in another state from my aunt. My cousins live in the same state as my aunt.
They were taking a passive aggressive stance with me because I live out of state. I would come when I could, but they acted like I what I did was nothing and what I was doing, they criticized. Let's not mention that they were the closest, (literally 55 minutes away to my 3-4 hours away) and they were trying to dump aunt on me. They were trying to make it my problem, while they skate off on to their lives. I asked for a family meeting, and they did not want any part of it. It was just, "you take this on and leave us out of it".
While I wanted to help and I was, physically and financially, and mentally, I realized what they were trying to pull, and yes, I backed out. These cousins didn't want to all come together and help. All they were doing were barking orders at me. Back seat drivers, if you will. They called themselves helping by pulling me. They just wanted me to take on all of the burden, and that just did not sit right with me.
The far away sibling knows the capable and willing sibling with proximity has all the worry , and the far away people live their lives . My sister used to tell me she was glad it was me stuck with the mess and not her and literally laugh and then tell me about her latest cruise.
I don’t understand what kind of metrics you use to measure who worries more but it’s not accurate.
The siblings also weren’t the ones worrying the phone would ring in the middle of the night that a parent needed to go to the hospital AGAIN . I had high anxiety for years . The person doing the work has the most worries and life interruptions. My siblings’ lives were not affected . The siblings were not taking days off from work to take Dad to chemo . My retired siblings were cruising .
Siblings who showed up only when money was involved, who kept cruising while you took days off for chemo appointments, who left you with the 3am phone calls for years, that's not a difference of worry levels. That's a fundamental failure of family responsibility that fell entirely on you.
You're absolutely right that the person doing the work carries something the distant ones never will. The anxiety you're describing, years of it, waiting for that phone call, that lives in your body in a way that no amount of retrospective worrying from a sibling could ever equal.
I hear you. And I'm sorry you carried that all alone, but still you did all this and that deserves utmost respect and recognition.
The mistake you made was saying that the far away sibling worries more . That is so far from the truth if they aren’t taking on responsibility . Now if they are long distance managing a parents care and there is no other family or friend to drop by and check and report to the far away person who has taken on the responsibility that is different .