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Nothing wrong with having a Platonic friend to social with. I had such a relationship that lasted 15 years and was going to pop the question when I learned she came out of the closet, announced that she was a Lesbian and married her girlfriend. I have another friend who was once a room mate of the last one and I've had a platonic friendship with her for 20 years. She's a RN and has been a caregiver for over 10 years. I never refer to her as a girlfriend unless I want to hear her raise her voice. So I treat her like one of the family, my sisters like her as does my mother. She is up north now in Ohio assisting a relative with a 99 year old Aunt and won't return till October. Romance will never come, she says I'm too old. I'm 68, she is 54.
People try and line me up with dates and that is how I met my 2nd wife and lost her to another man. After the 3rd marriage went bust, I quit. But had hope with the bisexual friend, it didn't bother me but we were like two peas in a pod and she 46 and I was 59 when she got married. I was going to share a home with a past love, 2 years ago. She was looking forward to returning to Florida when her doctor told her that her breast cancer had returned after 8 years and she died 2 months later. She was 63.
I guess I'm just Snake Bit. But Ma'am, go with your heart, if you are still young enough, you MUST socialize or you will go NUTS. I spend 4 nights with my Mom then I spend 3 nights where I live with a male friend. If you like dancing, take your friend and go dancing and have a ball. The most I get from my lady friends is a hug and I give her a good squeeze. Live it up, you are only young once. Remember Hugh Hefner, he was in his 90's and had a 20 something girl friend, of course, it helped that he was rich, LOL. Good Luck!
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Dont let him go. you'll regret it and be resentful. yes it's difficult to do both, relationship and care giving. But you need to have a life. My husband and I live with my father. While it's sometimes difficult, it's nice to have some one.
Make time for each other. Take care of yourself besides others. All the best
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Wow everyone! Thanks for the support!

Well... I have definitely kept the communication lines open and this guy said he's willing to take things as slowly as I need, and that we will figure out how to spend time together

...so Sunday he took me to brunch. This wasn't just any brunch. It was brunch at a FANCY restaurant (did I mention he's a sous chef), and he and the executive chef prepared me a meal!!!! It was so great!! When I tried to give him the speech about how I didn't want him to spend a lot of money on me, his response was "Are you kidding? This was a chef's special! I used to work here!!!!!"

He made so many of my favorite foods. I didn't realize that over the two years that we've interacted (he works at my part time job), he's been paying attention to what I liked, so the meal was great!

I'm still a little afraid, but the fact that he's not rushing or pressuring me is a big plus. He knows that I am about to face a huge transition with moving in with Dad, but he said he's willing to take it one day at a time

I'm cautiously optimistic... and we're going go kart racing next weekend (daytime dates are working well).
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gdaughter Aug 2018
Ahem....so like, we're all going to be invited to the wedding, right? LOL. Tell us now, because I need time to find something to wear!
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Whoop whoop!! Yay!! 🍰🎉👏🏻!! Oops! I forgot. We’re gonna keep it all cool and take it slow...Great news! I’m very happy for you. Enjoy! Don’t let your fears ruin it all for you but keep your EYES WIDE OPEN. Good luck.
Charlotte
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Good for you!!! I'm happy for you. Go have fun. You'll be a better caretaker to your dad if your truly happy.
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Riverdale Aug 2018
So wonderful to hear a happy, positive story from a caregiver. I had a nice day with my mother today. I hope you continue to feel special.
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UPDATE... we weren't able to do the go kart racing yesterday due to a mishap with my Dad. I took the day off from job #2 in anticipation of going out, but the date didn't happen.

He seemed very understanding about the whole thing, but my own fear reared its ugly head. I was reminded of how caregiving contributed to the breakdown of the relationship I was when I first took on caregiving.

This situation mirrored that. You make plans. Dad gets sick. You have to cancel. You make it to the date. Dad gets sick. You have to cut the date short. It made me think a LOT about what this nice, unsuspecting person may be in for... and it's probably going to get more challenging after moving Dad in.

I didn't take any action yet. I'm trying to stop and breathe, but the "quit while you're ahead" cliche is ringing loudly in my codependent brain.
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CaregiverL Aug 2018
Maybe it prevented something worse...go karts can be dangerous!
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so what is the update on the date? I hope you’re able to find time for a couple of hours out w him every week
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Have you considered group or individual therapy?
Or a caregiver support group? You are not alone.
This is not about him (as you know); it is all about you. Well, that is certainly true for all of us. We don't want to get hurt, we protect ourselves with all kinds of strategies and reasons to run the other way. It is often hard to experience what we feel, esp when it is all mixed up and confusing. It takes a kind of fortitude and courage to feel through whatever is going on.

This IS an opportunity for you to open your inner-can of worms-with, as so many psychological models say "with curiousity" (not judgment). If you feel a need to step back - examine your fears/feelings - do it. There is no set time table for a relationship. And Mr. Relentless will be there if he wants to be there. He may not and that is certainly his choice. You want to move forward based on YOUR grounded gut-head decisions, not based on fear of him leaving. This could be your practice guy to work through all this - the only way you'll know is by honoring your inner self and being where you are emotionally and psychologically. And, work from there. You might be 20 in development. I don't know. We shut down when we do and we unfortunately still get OLD. I'm 67 and still feel 17. Well, sometimes I feel like 92. Gena.
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anonymous262233 Aug 2018
This was really helpful.

I KNOW I hide behind caregiving as a protection mechanism. Thankfully, Mr. Relentless is giving me the time / space I need.

He checked on me but then left the door open for me to contact him when I was free. I only shared a little about Dad's current state (don't want to scare him off), but it was nice that he at least asked.

I keep wondering if he's being genuine or just getting information to use against me later.

...man that Narcissist ex really did a number on me (the jerk I referred to in my initial post).

We're supposed to go out on my birthday this week, but Dad still isn't doing well. I don't want to let him or Dad down so I'm trying to figure out how I can balance both...
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Can you hire someone to be there on your date night?
So even if things come up, you can still be or go out?
Have you considered this or asked someone - do you ever get a night off?
Gena.
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anonymous262233 Aug 2018
Once Dad and I get into the new house with the caregivers (that I trust), I most likely will be able to plan a bit better (hopefully the lack of spontaneity won't turn Mr. Relentless off)

...and I'll be able to quit the second job as Dad's income will be enough for him to cover his own expenses.

17 days and counting...
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Happy Birthday Gal Leo (me too 8-6).
You are very aware of your triggers and strategies. That's a huge start. Next step? Do something different to get out of the repetitive thinking-behavorial mode. Often that takes focus - tenacity. (Listen to Rick Hanson, Ph.D. - he speaks a lot about this in Resilient - his newest book).

Consider to reframing though: 'not letting someone down' by taking care of yourself - that is how to NOT let them down. You can't be there for another on empty. You gotta fill you up! Gena.
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Oh wow! I’m going to use your want list as a model and make my own! Though I’m probably 20 years older than you, and not looking for love, I don’t think there is much to revise. It’s perfect! (Except for the jobs. My work is here. And it’s more than 2 jobs. BUMMER!)
Now, do you have any idea how to get what you want? When you do, plz share....
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Tiny, I read someone's post today about the necessity of letting go as the primary caregiver when we move our parent's into a care home. This person said something along the lines of, "we have to be willing not to be the main person in our parent's life anymore." I think that is what we do when we send our kids out in the world.

That really spoke to me. I've been pondering your situation and just read back over the more recent posts. I've often wondered why you want to take over your dad's care in the situation that you have described here so many times. You are finally seeing that bringing your dad home really does leave you no time for yourself.
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