SORRY IF THIS IS CONSIDERED A RANT. I am super stressed out about one of the clients I take care of. Im currently working for 2 different caregiving companies because one pays better than the other but I stayed with one of the companies to care for my client Diane. She was my FIRST ever client and we had a special bond but lately she has been really stressing me out. She has me do chores nonstop & it has always been this way even when I first started working for her. After working for other clients I figured out what it's like to actually be a caregiver, and working for Diane is not it, she even calls me her housekeeper. I try caring for Diane as requested by my company & her children but Diane refuses and rather me clean all day. She needs more help than she leads others to believe. Shes malnourished & dehydrated mostly everyday but when I offer her water or to cook she refuses and says she can do it herself and asks me to do another chore instead. As much as I love helping her around the house, she pushes it to the point where she will purposely make a mess so I can clean it when I have finished all I had to do. I set boundaries but she still crosses them and it's really stressing me out because the bond we had is not there anymore. Also whenever she breaks or loses something she will blame me even though I watched her put it away the day before but then it goes missing all of a sudden (nothing of value). She lives alone and has hallucinations and she truly believes they are real, this is undiagnosed. SO I try my hardest to be a professional CNA/CHHA, but all she makes me do is clean. This is what I do everyday (I see her 5 days in a week but this is everyday); laundry, fold, put away clothes, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, polish table, hand wash, dry and put away dishes, clean counters, thread sewing machine, clean toilet, sink, mirrors, bathtub, med reminders, clean fridge, organize drawers and cabinets. When I finish a task, she will go over to see how I did and make me go over it again if she doesnt like how I did it. Also, most of the time I'm cleaning, she's hovering over me or "assisting" me, but she's really just there to see if I'm doing it right. I never get to sit for a second or use the bathroom during my shift. Our bond stopped after her daughter asked me to write a progress report on how her mother has been doing medically so she can show her doctor. The daughter was pleased with the report because it was well written and she finally had evidence proving what she would tell the doctor. Diane was not happy with it at all and said I exaggerated. After this, she has not trusted me and keeps more to herself and has even become more critical and angry towards me. She even goes as far to criticize my looks and I can't defend myself. I really dont want to become more uncomfortable to the point where I stop caring for her but she's really been pushing in anyway she can. She even goes as far as to make me work past my shift, make me late for other clients, and I dont get paid for it. Or she makes me drive around 100 miles+ a week with errands she makes me do. And I say MAKE because she doesn't take no for an answer.
Bad news: You're in a toxic work environment. You're being abused and asked to provide work that is outside of your job requirements.
Good news: It's a job and you can quit! Imagine how difficult this would be if it were your mother or a close family member. But yes, you can and should quit unless you don't think you can get get the same number of hours elsewhere.
In summary, your client is exploiting and abusing your kind nature. You allow it to continue by not enforcing boundaries. The best boundary of all is to put yourself first for once, by walking away to a better job with better pay.
Please don't let nostalgia of better times keep you in an abusive situation, you deserve more. In the meantime, your client can hire a housekeeper or whomever she likes, but it's not your problem. From one codependent to another, please quit as soon as possible. If you give a notice, she'll really let you have it. Just decide on your last day and don't go back.
Everyone is an indentured servant, hovers over them while they do simple tasks to berate them so she can feel smart and make the caregivers feel stupid.
The early stages where you feel you had this bond is also a part of the grooming, later you’ll stay when they become abusive bc you have this bond.
I would remove yourself from the situation, my mother is the most toxic person you’ll ever meet and it sounds like you have something similar
Quit your job with Diane and call her if love has something to do with your relationship. Here's a poem to help you sort out your relationship:
Reason, Season and a Lifetime
By: Brian A. “Drew” Chalker
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason,you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilleed; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…..
My guess would be you were hired so that someone was in the house with her. If she needs lunch, you would prepare it. If she chooses to believe she can still manage her own care, that's just part of her decline. You have a relationship with her even if it has changed lately. She is familiar with you. You are familiar with her. I say, keep going. Keep the pay check coming and just do whatever you can do to stay busy.
As for going to the bathroom - just go. Don't ask. I doubt she is going to physically stop you from going. If your contract with the agency says you get a 15 minute break between certain hours (or a lunch period, etc), then take the breaks. If you're only there, for maybe, hrs a day. A 4 hour worker wouldn't get breaks. Look at your contract. If it's in there, then take the break. Don't call it a break to her - just say I'm going to sit for a minute or so. Or, I'm eating my lunch and will get back to the dishes in just a bit.
If she's malnourished - don't ask what she might want. Just take her something. And be sure to let daughter know how little she's eating....or keep a calendar/chart of meals, snacks, drinks. That info may tell daughter that even in home care is no longer working and it's time for a 24 hr watchful eye.
Your other option is to ask agency to reassign you. Or quit this agency and get another client with the other agency. Let daughter know that you will be leaving and tell her why. She needs to understand other caregivers may feel the same way about what they do at your mom's house.
You said you will quit if she refuses to respect what you really do. She has already shown she is not going to respect what you really do, that ship has sailed yet you are still there.
You said, " Ive been really thinking about what i can say without making it seem like im complaining about her mother." You should complain about her mother and you should quit, do you know how weak you sound.
I hate sounding harsh, but you need to quit that job and get some counseling on why you are so enmeshed with this woman.
Okay, I just saw your reply to CountryMouse wherein you stated "it is a side effect of Alzheimer's pills." Again, resign.
Put limits into place on the care you provide. You need to "remind" her that you have been hired as a caregiver and not as her house cleaner. "Remind" her to eat by making those meals and providing those snacks and drinks. Do not stay past what the time you are contracted for. You may have to let her go as a client if she will not abide by the terms of your contract with her. Please advise her family of this fact before you terminate the relationship.
If your contract(s) doesn't include all the extra work she expects you to do, then tell her "it's not in the contract" and tell the daughter too as well as the agencies. STOP taking her c****! The relationship has changed b/c of dementia, don't feel you have to keep jumping thru hoops as some form of loyalty-Stand up for yourself or things won't change. There's other jobs out there that are less stressful.
Take care of yourself 🙏.
What's next? She accuses you of stealing or of elder abuse? Nothing is beyond the possibility. She is not your friend.
If Diane was capable of being reasonable, I would say that I'm here to basically take care of you and the messes you make while I am here. But as Diane is now used to your running around, I would say this would be a useless conversation even if she doesn't have dementia yet.
Cut financial ties with Diane. Exchange cards sometimes. Have phone calls once a month if she's actually a "friend." She's not family and she's not you--and you need to prioritize your salary and gas toward people who will pay you for what you are set to do, which is to see to their physical care including cleaning up only the messes a client makes when you're there. Other than that, it really is not your problem. Diane or her family can retain housekeepers who will come weekly and take care of the rest, but it's not your job.