I came home from a walk the other day and the house was full of smoke, a burnt pan on the stove, and burnt corn. This is the third time this has happened in a year. I've been taking care of my mom for 16 months, and it has nearly destroyed my health. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I've been begging my family members to help me, but they find it no big deal. I finally found an assisted living facility nearby that we could all agree on. This was a family battle all in itself that caused massive symptom flares for me that I'm still dealing with, but we all finally agreed. But my mom's best friend came over yesterday begging and pleading not to make her go. They were both upset and crying, my mom not wanting to go at all. I feel so guilty, but I've posted before, continuing this pattern will kill me eventually, leaving no one to care for her. I was up all night, contemplating if I'm making the right decision. My mom has cognitive decline but not full-blown dementia. Am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling selfish and heartbroken for her.
Her friend is expressing that she will miss having your mom next door. Give her friend contact information and address of her new "home." Encourage mom's friend to go visit her there.
Best of luck to us both!
My mother was a volatile, angry, yeller and screamer - then a sad, apathetic cryer the next minute. She also had a lovely, smiley, pleasant side. I helped her for years. Because of her emotional needs, I ruined my health and my emotional stability. The guilt needs to be understood. Why was it that I couldn’t just hire someone for her care and walk away? I think it’s because, after years with her, I essentially became her mother.
Guilt, I think, overtook me because I knew I could keep helping my mother, but I didn’t want to. Right there is the catch. It felt like I didn’t want to, but the truth is that my entire psyche was telling me that I had to stop. Guilt told me that I must help. Reason told me to stop.
Emotion always hits first. Guilt is emotion. I had to get myself to a place where I knew that it was actually an emergency to get away from my mother, since I was falling apart and I couldn’t fix anything for my mother. She would continue to get worse because all people get old and begin to fall apart. There was nothing to fix. It’s sad. It’s nobody’s fault.
who can tell what any facility is actually like until a person is living there but quite honestly im looking forward to living someplace where im cared for and my room is cleaned, my meals are fixed for me, and entertainment is provided if i am interested.
cant your moms friend visit her there instead of your house ? Maybe shes jealous ?
maybe your sibs just dont want to pay for something for your mom that youre doing for free ???
I am going through the same thing. I've been caring for my mom, 24 hour care, PEG, hoyer, full ADL's with a malignant pathological narcissistic husband for 1.5 years. Gave up everything & it's finally taking a toll on me. My life or hers; I see it clearly now. You and only you can make that decision; the breaking point, when you know, for the last time, when you've had enough, when you've weighed all of you options and you know that any option will cause you pain, but which pain will be more freeing. I am trying my last and final option now and then, I too will have to make that decision, not only because I'm unable to work, depleting my savings account to keep her (and her healthy savings, which will go to her husband) alive but because it's depleting me mentally and physically. I was once strong as an ox, and while I'm still strong, I feel that I'm half the person I once was. I'm not happy and that reflects on the quality of care I am providing her. I want better for us both and I know you feel the same way.
Guilt is the thief of life ~ much easier said than felt (TRUST ME). I've learned over the past year and half that our parents become selfish in their old age; heroes that once made their children a priority above all, now put themselves first, and not maliciously but almost as a warped safety mechanism. They still love us unconditionally but something changes, like you said, not dementia but they're not the same. I realized when my mom lost her 'motherly instinct', that it was time that I get serious about my life; it was a game changer.
You see the light, and at your pace, you will make the best (not right, there is no right) decision for you and your mom.
Stay strong (for us both) and for mom!
Best of luck to you!
The actions one may consider "to be expected without question" of a friend to one person may be "not important at all" to another.
I wish more people had the honor & virtue you describe...it would be a much better world. However in my limited experience, the majority do not. And have no conscience about it.
Thats life : )
If the answer is no then it is to the old folks home she goes. There is no need for the guilt trip.
So ignore your mother's BFF's opinion... she is not there taking care of your mother. Your family is on-board with your opinion so get your mother tucked safely away in a nice Memory Care Facility and your mother will adjust... probably quickly and she have activities and friends she will enjoy. I used to worry that my Mom would burn my house down, too! The near-misses are very scary!
It has been 9 months since my mother died, and I am not yet fully recovered from the lack of sleep. My own memory is shot and my health is very bad. My doctor just told me 2 weeks ago that I will never be the same person I used to be. If I had know what caregiving does to the caregiver, I would have politely refused and been happy visiting my mom in a Memory Care facility.
You are not abadoning your mother, but you might be abandoning yourself. Listen to that gut feeling... I wish I had paid more attention to mine!
Dr Christophers Relax Eze (amazon) ..I take the powder, they sell the caps also. Has helped me with sleep & steadied my burned out nerves from caretaking more than anything else I tried (I tried many things)
Distilled water only for cooking & drinking is essential
If you are a reader buy "The choice is Clear" by Dr Banik on amazon..This will explain the importance of the distilled water in a clear simple way better than I can
Only a few dollars, and the herbal products are less than $20 each.
I agree with your thoughts on self sacrifice ongoing....When I have abandoned myself to help my grandfather (& others) I thought I was strong healthy & young & no problem..Honestly I don't think he appreciates all my work...As my dad has told me "a lot of people are happy in their misery". I didn't understand that statement ...now I do
.However it all caught up with me in a crashing wave.
Now I am much more careful how I spend my time and energy.
Keep your head up
With different details, I'm in your shoes.
I did move my mom out.
The feeling of abandonment hasn't gone away altogether, it's just been 94 days. But the relief of looking forward to my life has shown bright like a beacon shining the way for a captain on a tumultuous sea. And I can honestly say.....Whew.
Just explain it to mom and mom's friend
The best thing that you can do for your mother is make sure that she is well cared for. That is your job. By making sure she is in the right place, you are doing the right thing. In Assisted Living there is round the clock care, provided by people working shifts.
You've already destroyed your health-- I hope that some of that is reversible. And what if next time she actually burns the house down, with you and her in it? Then there'll be no one to care for, in either direction, and much grief for the rest of the family.
As you may know, the cognitive decline will get worse, not better. It may only reach a certain point, but she will get older, and whatever issues she is having will worsen. As that happens, incrementally, she'll be in the right place for professionals to help her.
What are you doing while all of this is happening? Restoring your health, resting, getting your life back. And, then you can visit your mother, as much or as little as makes sense for your life. So too can her friend and your other family members.
Be strong. This is hard and I know you feel guilty, but there is nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you'll get to that point in your thoughts, soon. Get some therapy for yourself if it'll help you through this.
You are doing exactly the right thing. Hang in there.
PLEASE consider alternatives ...you can get help to come in to help with her care. There are programs that will assist with finances. In Wisconsin there is IRIS which will help with in home care expenses. Not only with people coming in, but with whatever assisted living accommodations she may need. There are different programs available in every state.
That said, safety is the most important concern. If her mother has inadvertently started fires in the home, NOBODY is safe.
Please don't add to her pain by writing, "If you love your mother you will not force her into one of these death camps!" when you have no idea what the facility is like.
a man & his wife were on a long journey..walking together beside their donkey on a winding dusty road to visit the wife's family
It wasn't long before a man called out to them "how can you be so selfish to make your wife walk when you have the donkey ...let her ride & you walk"
The man heeded the mans words & soon his wife was riding along beside him on the donkey as he walked beside her & the donkey
Another few miles along the road another man called out to them loudly
"sir, why are you walking on such a very hot day when you have a strong young donkey & room for you to ride alongside your woman. It doesn't make sense"
"Maybe he's right husband, you can ride here with me and rest your feet that must be tired and sore"
The husband clambered up onto the donkey and they proceeded again on their journey
Night was approaching & the lights of the town that was their destination twinkled in the distance . Only one more big hill to go
They stopped to fill their water containers outside an inn.
An older woman with a small child glared at the man as he stood filling his containers at the well.
"Both of you riding that poor little donkey?" the woman asked sharply
"So cruel" she snapped without waiting for the man to answer
"No-one should be riding that lovely little creature."
"You should be carrying the donkey.
" There are two of you strong enough to walk yourselves..The donkey is suffering because of your selfishness. Cold hearted people"
The husband and wife agreed that perhaps the old woman was right...and they were hurting the donkey.
So it wasn't long before the man and his wife were struggling up the last hill to their destination carrying the donkey..that was of course, quite able to carry the couple quite comfortably.
You see everyone has an opinion that they will give on how another should live their life.
Animals know from instinct what is best for them and Nature
Man knows from intuition.
"The still small voice some call conscience . So small it could almost be missed.
So clear it can never be mistaken"
Mahatma Gandhi
Send her to the AL. She's not safe at home.
Abandon definition:
1. cease to support or look after (someone); desert, leave,
turn one's back on, cast aside,
break (up), leave stranded
2. give up completely
Now finding an AL close by, where I image you will still be very much involved in Mom's life, visiting her, supporting her & being an emotional support.
This does not describe *abandon*. This describes helping your Mom move home, to receive the level of supervision she now requires.
Allow me to re-phrase your question: "Am I HELPING my Mom?"
I would say YES.
I am happy to spend time and go places she enjoys but not all the time. If I do bring her to things with friends she complains . I caregive at least 28 hrs every week beyond this in housework yards shopping and doctors. How do you draw the boundaries without the tears.