I came home from a walk the other day and the house was full of smoke, a burnt pan on the stove, and burnt corn. This is the third time this has happened in a year. I've been taking care of my mom for 16 months, and it has nearly destroyed my health. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I've been begging my family members to help me, but they find it no big deal. I finally found an assisted living facility nearby that we could all agree on. This was a family battle all in itself that caused massive symptom flares for me that I'm still dealing with, but we all finally agreed. But my mom's best friend came over yesterday begging and pleading not to make her go. They were both upset and crying, my mom not wanting to go at all. I feel so guilty, but I've posted before, continuing this pattern will kill me eventually, leaving no one to care for her. I was up all night, contemplating if I'm making the right decision. My mom has cognitive decline but not full-blown dementia. Am I doing the right thing? I'm feeling selfish and heartbroken for her.
My dad falls all the time and has early dementia. He was being rescued by family, neighbors, caregivers and 911 every few days. I decided he needs 24-hour care and must move.
The pressure and guilt-trips I got from him and other well-intentioned people was intense. They were interested in his happiness. I appreciate that. Moving out and loosing his independence makes him sad, resentful and angry at me. He won’t get over that.
But I am interested in his health. I don’t want him to continue getting hurt from falls. I don’t want him to burn the house down with him in it.
So that’s the choice. His health or his happiness. That’s your choice, now, too. I’m sorry you must make that decision.
Let me try to make it a bit easier. Let’s say you give in and have your mom stay at home. Tomorrow, you go grocery shopping and come home to find the house on fire and your mom’s charred corpse next to a fire truck. Would you say you made the right choice?
ALs are not prisons. They likely have never set foot in one. My mother was moved to MC in a facility that had IL, AL and MC, The place was VERY nice, had great food, wonderful caregivers and other staff, the people I met on my way to the MC unit were all very happy and content in the place.
As for their guilting you, shame on them. They dump on you, but don't offer to help, so stuff 'em.
Also, this best "friend" has no say. She isn't doing the caring AND there's nothing stopping her from continuing to be your mom's friend, visiting and chatting on the phone with her. Is ISN'T a prison!!!
Too many people have images of NHs and/or old people "homes" from the past. They need to get out and see for themselves instead of butting in.
Don’t let your mother or her friend make you feel guilty or destroy your life.
I am burnout, can no longer assure high quality cares as I am forgetting plenty of things at my job and at home.
I was told by a friar not to feel guilty for not being able to do it all on my own : I am just human, can't be a mom, a wife, an employee, a caregiver 24h/24 on my own. I do have a home aid when I go to work but still the mental load is on me and I am the one of the mornings before she arrives, the afterrnoons, evenings and week-ends.
My mum has been a great mum, I do not think she would be happy knowing I am no so bad.
As far as the friend is concerned : I have decided that if someones does this with me I will answer with a "hard" answer like : ok, we have 2 choices : a facility or you take my mum with you and provide 24h/24, 7d/7, 365d/year yourself in your house... and with the same standards of a nurse/doctor.
A person with dementia who burns down the house is not 'making a mistake'. They are putting lives at danger. There is cause for alarm. Things will get worse, not better, and the adult child will continue to feel more and more stress. That's no way to live. That's not a way to take care of ones' self or a parent.
I hope we both find peace with our decision and embrace the fact that we need help ❤️🙏
You're going to give a compassionate and caring answer because this is your best friend. But you've also taken a step back and removed yourself from so much of the emotional strain, or the weight of guilt of the situation by this not being about you or your own mother. Whatever advice you give, it will be thoughtful, and you'll be able to see the short and long term pros and cons of any decision that needs to be made. Your friend's health is of utmost importance, not just her mother's, forcing her to care for her mom just because of the guilt is NOT helping either of them in the long run.
Nobody likes change, and even with the best advice, decisions are going to be hard to make, you can't make everyone happy all the time (and it's not your job to either). But as other people have said on these boards, it's not the end of the world, and mom will be cared for by people who are trained and up to the task. Friends can visit, as can you, without giving up your own health, including your emotional and mental well being.
You obviously love your mom, but you're at the end of your rope and you need help. If your sisters think it's so easy, let them take care of mom for a couple of months.
On your side.
Good luck to you and everyone else going through this. It's very difficult to deal with!